Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

There was much impatience, borne of anxiety, as the romantical journey on which Daisy and the gentlemen had embarked reached its ineluctable conclusion. The just-ended elimination, in which Chi Chi was bid farewell, had left a taste of bitterness, for London still remained.

The four gentlemen gathered in the kitchen parlor, where Flex told him, pointedly, “Unlike Daisy, I am not blind to the impropriety of your behavior toward her.”

Dave continued the criticism. “Indeed. Do not suffer the misapprehension that any of us have been so fooled by you.”

London nodded. “I understand your anxiousness where I am concerned.”

“I have found a way to drive every other gentleman from the estate,” Flex said, with the confidence of one who knows he speaks truly. “And I shall do the same for you.”

Dave took a more conciliatory tone of voice when he exclaimed, “An initiation back into our good graces would a long way toward earning our trust. Perhaps we can tempt your palette with a drink of hot tabasco sauce?”

“I am here not to make friends with the other gentlemen, agreeable as they might be,” London thought. “I am here for Daisy’s estimation, not theirs.” Nonetheless, London agreed to the hazing ritual, and a shot glass was retrieved.

The drink was not so bitter as the thought that he might lose Daisy’s affections.

The gentlemen walked the causeway out to the garden’s fire pit, where, much to their delight, they were joined by the object of their affections. Smiling, she strode toward the stone wall where the gentlemen sat. “You look unenthusiastic,” Daisy said, to London.

“I have just drunk some tabasco sauce,” London admitted.

Daisy nodded. “You deserve the hazing,” she said. “The three other gentlemen have admirably displayed the depths of their affection for me. You, however, walked off the estate, and therefore have much to prove.” She positioned herself on the wall between London and Sinister.

London, seeking to earn something in Daisy’s estimation, sought to express to her that his absence was as difficult for him, as it must have been for her. “My being away from the estate has deprived me of the opportunity to be with you. For that reason, I am hoping that you might be able to spare for me a few extra minutes for some alone time.”

Sinister placed a comfortingly needing arm around Daisy’s shoulder. “That must be earned,” he said.

“My statement was directed to Daisy, not you,” London replied. Then, he turned his attention back to Daisy. “Please join me on the grass for some quiet reflection and frolic.”

Daisy acceded to his request. The two sat together, staring longingly into one another’s eyes. “I have feelings for you,” London said- although the sentiment could just have easily have been expressed by Daisy. “I could not shake those feelings.”

“If that is what you felt, why then did you leave the estate?” Daisy asked.

“On occasion, I succumb to the effects of my ill-humor and confusion,” London conceded. “This is a problem on which I continue to work- but in all honesty, it is a struggle.”


London and Daisy share an attraction, a temperament, and an IQ.

“This is intolerable!” Sinister muttered, watching them from the stone wall. A plan formed itself in his mind, and he made his way to the garden that skirted the edge of the estate. There he found the most exquisite example of a lilac- a flower he believed to be a symbol of longing. He reached down and plucked it from the ground. As he stood, admiring the soft silkiness of the petals that reminded him so much of his beloved’s fair and plump lips, he realized that one of his rings was missing.

He counted again. Yes, where Sinister usually had fourteen rings on the fingers of his right hand, he now had a mere thirteen. And, much to his chagrin, the missing ring was his most prized- the ring that had been a gift to him from his beloved grandmother, or some other relative to whom he’d felt a special connection.

Frantically, he scoured the ground around his feet. Alas, in the darkness, he could not see, and there were no torches or camera lights, or cell phone lights, or estate lights, or any lights of any kind that might have been used to illuminate the ground where he stood, that he might locate the ring in question.

“Well,” he rationalized, “the ring is certainly in no way so precious as the affections of Daisy. I shall present her with the hard-won flower.”

When he joined Daisy and London, the two were sharing a tender kiss. Sinister pushed the flower into Daisy’s face, and stated, “Freshly picked, for a one so ripe as you.” Daisy, wistfully, placed her head upon London’s shoulder as she gratefully accepted the token of Sinister’s affection.

Once Sinister had rejoined Flex and Dave, Daisy confided to London, “Sometimes when we speak, my positive feelings overwhelm all my confusion.” She, she playfully pulled away from him and said, “Prove yourself to me.”

“How?” London smiled. “I will do anything.”

“The gentlemen hazed you- now I shall, as well.” She handed London the lilac that had been presented her by Sinister. “Eat this.”

Eagerly, London ate the flower. “The taste is bitter,” he said.

“No more bitter than I!” Sinister exclaimed. “At the sight of the object of my affection, so hard-won, being consumed as part of a hazing of another by my beloved!”

Sinister’s drink went into the swimming pool. Sinister went into the house.

Flex and Dave, for their part, had been content to merely talk casually as gentlemen do, only occasionally stealing glances at Daisy and London, as they shared kisses. When either man deigned to comment on the proceedings, it was merely to remark, with studied nonchalance, that there was no reason for to be concerned over the return of London, for clearly the kisses he shared with Daisy lacked in intensity.

They joined Sinister within the house. Sinister spent a few minutes sulking in each of the house’s 18 rooms, before Flex informed him, “Worry not over London. He is our lesser.”

“She wants a musician!” Sinister called out, grabbing one of the guitars that served to decorate the walls of the house. “Let me show her how a tough, punk rock musician behaves!”

He walked outside and shouted something to grab his beloved’s attention. He then promptly smashed the guitar against the cement, and threw the shattered remnants into the pool.

Oddly, Sinister felt unfulfilled by this show of emotion. To that end, and in the search of fulfillment, he returned to the house, where he destroyed a candelabrum.

“You’ve destroyed the chandelier!” Flex exclaimed, in a playful jab at the ineffectualness of Sinister’s outbursts.

Sinister then retired to the billiard room, where he metaphorically threw billiard balls in all directions. When one of the ever-present cameras was destroyed, Sinister came to realize that his enthusiasms were running away from him, and not for the first time. Not at the estate, nor in his life before meeting Daisy.


Sinister without his shirt and, coincidentally, not throwing a tantrum.

His malaise turned to guilt over night, and Sinister woke feeling he should have found a better way to express himself. However, he could not deny- a certainly neither could Daisy- that a gentleman must express himself.

Tellingly, it was London who located the diary that Daisy had left unattended in the greatroom, in the hopes they would find it. He read,

Dear DIARY,
I am inviting the gentlemens’ previous romantic partners to the estate.
Love, DAISY

A shadow of nervous anticipation fell over the gentlemen. Dave, especially, had reason to fear. In one of his previous televised romantic competitions, an ex romantic partner had revealed that he’d spent time as a dancer in a club for men with inverted interests.

This turn in the journey did not bode well for him.

Daisy and her faithful manservant, Mr. Rachtman, gathered the gentlemen together in the greatroom, where they awaited the arrivals from the gentlemens’ pasts. “Prefatory to our meeting your previous romantic partners, I feel compelled yet saddened to tell you that only two of you will be joining me for the finale of this romantical journey,” she stammered, nearly overcome by sensibility. “I care about each of you so much.”

Finally, she was able to compose herself, and she said, “Now, let’s meet Sinister’s ex romantic partner, Ashley.”

As she walked into the greatroom, Sinister was overcome by nausea. Not at seeing her again, but at seeing her in this context. For, while Sinister had been completely honest with Daisy about his past, he had been imprecise at times.

The next to enter the room was Dave’s “old flame,” Cathy. Dave had known Cathy since his youth; and as a result, she knew much about him. He hoped that she would not let drink loosen her tongue.

Flex’s ex romantic partner Kia then entered. Upon seeing her, Flex appeared unhappy, a fact that Mr. Rachtman articulated when he leaned toward Daisy and said, “He doesn’t look happy.”

Indeed he was not. “My heart is on the floor,” he thought. “Of all the many ladies I have known, why did they bring her to the estate? Our relationship was amazing, but she still has some compromising information about me.”


When I googled "Flex Kia" I got pictures of the Ford Flex, so here it is. The pic source describes the vehicle as "a large, powerful, comfortable, and stylish people mover capable of hauling seven adults (along with a built-in refrigerator) in comfort." The same could be said of Daisy herself. Not really, but why else am I showing you a picture of this vehicle?

London’s friend Natasha was the last new visitor to enter. Surprised, London involuntarily ejaculated a vulgarism that elicited a tension-breaking laugh from the assembled. But the vulgarism was not spoken out of fear or agitation, but rather of relief. London, charmed as ever, would be represented by a friend, not an ex romantic partner, as seemed to be the case with the others.

Mr. Rachtman took his measure of the women and found them to be all quite attractive.

Daisy took her measure of each based on how much they resembled herself. Sinister and Flex both rose in her estimation, as their lady friends most closely resembled her. Dave’s friend was attractive, but in a more common way. She could be a school teacher or accountant. London’s Natasha seemed a strange mixture of London and herself; Daisy was unsure as to how to feel about that.

Immediately and with great haste did Daisy and Mr. Rachtman bid the newly-arrived women follow her outside where a lunch had been prepared at a table overlooking the garden. Casually and without realizing it, Daisy stepped upon Sinister’s lost ring, driving it further into the dirt. “Thank you all so much for coming!” Daisy exclaimed, instructing each of the women to take a seat.

The conversation moved in fits and starts before Mr. Rachtman said, “I want honesty, please, for Daisy’s heart is on the line, and that is important. “Do any of these gentlemen currently have romantic partners?”

The silence was broken by Natasha, who equivocated, “He might be dating someone, but I am unsure as to the seriousness of that relationship.”

Mr. Rachtman sat back, satisfied that he had once again demonstrated London’s unfitness as a romantic partner. When he gazed upon the dazed expression on Daisy’s face, he felt he had evidence of the effectiveness of his demonstration.

Indeed, if he had been able to crack open Daisy’s skull and gaze upon the thoughts encircling her brain, he would have been all the more amply pleased. “I am just starting to trust him again, and now this?”

But Natasha had not yet completed her statement on London: “I am unsure as to whether I should mention this at all, but London suffers from priapism, and therefore requires the companionship of a woman at all times.”

Now, Daisy could feel intrigue mixing with her previously-felt irritation.


I couldn't find any pics of the remaining contestants' exes, so I figured I'd post another picture of the prize the contestants are fighting for. Here she is. Why these guys don't go running back to their exes can be explained with two letters: TV.

Kia, explaining her relations with Flex, reflected, “Our breakup was hard for me. He was my first love. He broke my heart.” Tearfully, she pressed on: “Several months ago, we made one last try, at his urging, but he again broke it off.”

Everyone at the table could see the depth of feeling put on display by Kia, and were so moved that they then turned their attention to Dave’s friend Cathy. “How do you know 12 Pack?” Mr. Rachtman asked, still unable to bring himself to call him Dave.

Cathy explained that they had known each other since middle school.

“And has he had a lot of romantic partners? He must have,” Mr. Rachtman goaded.

“Lately, yes,” Cathy conceded. “But he hasn’t allowed it to affect his personality. He is still Dave to his family and his friends. An affable and moderate temperament, and one with whom I can easily pass an idle hour.”

“This is boring,” Mr. Rachtman thought. Perhaps he would get something out of Sinister’s ex romantic partner?

Ashley stated that she and Sinister had shared six romatical months together, before their affections began to wane. “He didn’t do anything wrong,” she said, almost defensively, “which is why we’re still friends.” Then she said, to Daisy, “What do you think of him?”

This attempt to gauge her assessment of Sinister caused Daisy’s suspicions to rise. Clearly, the lady was holding something back.

“I’m still learning about him,” Daisy said, vaguely. She turned her attention back to Natasha. “Tell me more about London,” she said.

“When he likes someone, he leaves and then comes back. When he left your estate, I did see him on occasion, and I definitely noticed a change in his affect. He did say that he liked you.”

Mr. Rachtman interrupted. “He did say that he liked Daisy?” This was unsurprising, for Daisy was of lovely temperament and beauty, and intellect to match. Nevertheless, somehow he did find it surprising.

“Yes, he did,” Natasha said. “He told me several times- before he fell asleep on my couch- just how much he missed the estate.”

Upon completing the meal, Ashley pulled Mr. Rachtman aside. “I want to speak to Daisy alone, away from the others. Is that possible?”

“Of course, but the cameras must remain,” Mr. Rachtman said, in a heightened state of anticipation over what revelations Ashley might provide.

Later, only Daisy, Mr. Rachtman, and Ashley were at the table. The three sat in silence, while Ashley endeavored to build her nerve. Finally, she opened: “Does Sinister get kind of rough?”

It was with little effort that Daisy cast her mind back over the myriad occasions in which Sinister had thrown, broken, spilled, hit, or kicked various items around the estate.

“We were out once,” Ashley continued, “and he hit me in the face. I don’t know if it was an accident, and it only happened once.”

Daisy was shocked. Sinister seemed so sweet, but he was given over to tempestuous moments. This was something that would weigh heavily upon her mind, but for now, she wanted to meet with each gentleman and their lady friends alone. And she also wanted her personal psychic, Laurie, to join them.

It is not the object of this work to expose the charlatanism inherent in the “psychic” profession. Nor is it the object of this work to promote such a thing. Suffice it to say that each of the gentlemen et al were introduced to a “psychic” whose services Daisy had employed for years. She had spoken to this psychic about each of these gentlemen prior to their having met.

The psychic seemed to read from the aether itself their personalities. Of course, she was a charlatan who was merely parroting that which she’d already heard from her client Daisy.

London was Daisy’s best fit, the charlatan informed her. If Daisy chose him, it would inevitably lead to more frequent and expensive sessions.


We were told that Daisy's been seeing the same psychic for awhile, so we can be reasonably sure that this psychic knew all the men before doing their readings, and knew what Daisy felt about them. It must be really easy to give psychic readings for people when you've already been told everything about them. (I think the "Laurie" from the show was this Laurie Johnson who according to her website, charges $25 for a 15 minute phone consultation- and $20 for a 15 minute in-person consultation. I guess there's more demand for people to be ripped off over the phone than in person.

That nonsense having been dispensed with and Daisy’s one and only oddity of spirit having been indulged, everyone gathered near the fire pit for one last mixer. The gentlemen were joined by their lady friends, and spent an agreeable few minutes in avid conversation. Most especially did Kia and Flex engage in intercourse, sharing laughter and, finally, a secret:

“During the lunch, Natasha told us that London is currently dating someone.”

Flex was indignant. His beloved, Daisy, was once again being made a fool by London, who was clearly his inferior. This could not be tolerated. Immediately he took his leave of Kia and found Dave, who was seated a foot away.

“This you will not believe,” he whispered into Dave’s ear. “London has a girlfriend!”

“No!” Dave exclaimed.

The two men stared hatefully at London, who had brought shame upon the entire quest for love represented by the journey they’d all agreed to. They would bide their time, and await just the right opening, at which time they would expose London’s duplicity.

Finally, Mr. Rachtman asked, by way of pretense, “I want to hear from the ladies- why should your friends stay?”

Sensing the perfect opportunity, Flex interjected, “Why indeed, when London already has a romantic partner?”

London, fearing things could get out of hand if someone who knew only half the story were allowed to control the dialogue, stated, “Stop that!”

“Are you becoming indignant?” Flex asked, incredulously. “How dare you portray the wounded gentleman when someone points out your flaws!”

“I am not indignant, but your facts are incorrect,” London said. “The woman you call a ‘romantic partner’ is merely a close confidant.”

“Euphemism!” Flex shouted, accusingly. “A close confidant with whom you share a bed!”

“Just because they share a bed, that does not mean they are romantic partners,” Natasha pointed out.

“You’re a friend, of course you would say that,” Flex said. “But I want London to tell me, on his honor as a gentleman, that he does not have a romantic partner.”

“Do you wish to challenge me to a duel?” London accused. “That seems to be your true goal, based upon the confrontational attitude on display!”

As the temperature of the gathering increased, Dave could not help but to feel happy. “Let the others argue amongst themselves,” he thought. “For I am a romantic, not a fighter.”

“You challenge me, if it’s a duel you seek!” Flex said.

“You’re larger than me!” London pointed out. “I do not wish to duel with you!”

Finally, the tension was broken when Kia fell across the table, nearly causing the alcohol to spill. Laughter broke the tension, and Daisy, ever the attentive host, decided that there was little more she could learn from this gathering.

“I fear, as enjoyable as this night has been, that we must call and end to the proceedings.”

However, before the ladies were taken back to the horseless limousine, Daisy pulled Kia aside and asked her, “If I sent Flex away from the estate, would you want to return to his arms?”

“No,” she slurred. Being that much in her cups had made her feel an excess of sensibility. “The way he looks at you now was the same way he once looked at me. When we were in love.”

Daisy was moved to distraction, and now saw Flex through Kia’s drunken eyes.

The ladies having taken their leave, Daisy asked Flex, “Flex, which of the remaining gentlemen would you select to join you as my final two?”

“12 Pack,” Flex said, pointedly not referring to him as “Dave.” “He is a man.”

When Sinister got the same question, he also answered “12 Pack.”

London gave the same answer.

Dave sat and watched, amazed. These gentlemen were telling Daisy that he, Dave, was Daisy’s perfect match. He was saying nothing, and all the while growing in her estimation-

Thanks to his romantic rivals!

Having gotten answers from three of the gentlemen and receiving a consensus, Daisy saw no need to ask Dave the same question. “Dave, you’re coming to the finale with me,” she said, before taking her leave to prepare for the night’s elimination ceremony.

Dave did a manful job of hiding his enthusiasm, even as his rivals sat in stunned silence and wondered at the gift they had just given him.


Dave AKA 12 Pack is a veteran of VH1 reality shows. Unlike that other VH1 reality show veteran, Frank the Entertainer, Dave seems to have learned from his previous experiences, and he's cruised all the way to a free trip to Maui. And he's made it look kind of easy. All you need to do is impress a silly twit, and have great abs.

An hour passed, and the elimination ceremony began. Daisy and Mr. Rachtman stood before the four remaining gentlemen, as tension hovered over the room like the chandelier that Flex joked had been broken by Sinister only a day before.

“Dave, how do you feel about joining me for the finale, in exotic Maui?”

Again, were the men stunned by Daisy’s casual revelation. None of the gentlemen had any idea that the finale of their romantic journey would take place on such an island paradise. Again, did Dave struggle manfully to control his enthusiasm.

“Incredible,” he understated.

Satisfied, Daisy turned her attention to London. “Now, I have but one more ticket to that island paradise, and I have a difficult choice. London, I have to believe that you only have room in your heart for me.”

“Sharing hearts and sharing beds are two totally different things,” London said. “I am here for you, and most enthusiastically so.”

“I have strong feelings for you, but I fear you’ll hurt me.” She paused for ten minutes, to let the importance of her words sink in. “Nevertheless,” she continued, “I am taking you with me to the finale.”

In a rare moment of self-awareness- or a somewhat less rare moment of rationalization- Daisy decided that, while London might have been seeing someone else, she herself had been seeing 19 other gentlemen while on this romantic journey. Plus, her charlatan “psychic” told her that London was her perfect match.

Flex and Sinister both felt they were being torn apart. Each had stayed and fought for their beloved, while, it appeared to their eyes, London had not even tried.

Then, Daisy’s voice sounded an alarm of mercy. “There is but one more thing to do, though it contradicts what I told you earlier.”

Could it be that Daisy would spare all the remaining gentlemen? Perhaps they would all be luxuriating in an island paradise? Sinister felt his heart leap when Daisy called him down to her.

Then, he felt his heart smash, like his ring in the garden. “I have less connection with you than with the other remaining gentlemen,” she said. “Forgive me, for I fear that in my effort to not break your heart, I have kept you here far too long. I probably should have sent you off the estate several weeks ago.”

Sinister tearfully embraced her, then left the estate. “I know there must be someone out there for me,” he thought earnestly. “And I know I shall find her!”

But, alas, on this night was his heart broken.

Flex stood in a torment of wonder. The last thing he wanted to hear from his beloved was a speech of similar temperament to the one she’d just given Sinister. “If ‘tis over, ‘tis better ‘twere done quickly,” he thought.

Daisy’s met Flex’s. “Flex, you have me spinning with your passion,” she said. “I am not ready to end this, and for that reason, I want you to accompany me, as well.”

Flex felt as though he’d discovered the cure for cancer. His entire body trembled with excitement and pleasure.

“Never before have I had a man fight for me the way you have,” she said. “It is most flattering to my sensibility.”

The remaining gentlemen, Flex, London, and Dave, all agreed that never before was one woman so worth fighting for. They were willing to sacrifice all to continue that fight- in Maui!


No man's ever fought for Daisy the way Flex has. It helps that he has such a compelling look.

Laurie Johnson pic source.
Ford Flex pic source.
London and Daisy pic source.
Dave loves money pic source.
Flex pic source.
Shirtless Sinister pic source.
Daisy pic source.

Ryan Reynolds to Appear in Every Comic Book Adaptation From Now On

Ryan Reynolds appeared in "Blade Trinity," which was based on the Marvel Comics character "Blade," and this summer he appeared as "Deadpool" in the Marvel Comics-based "X-Men Origins: Wolverine." Then came word that the Deadpool character would be spun off into his own franchise. Now, it has just been announced that Reynolds has landed the coveted role of "Green Lantern" in the film adaptation of DC Comics' "Green Lantern," which is tentatively titled "Green Lantern."

But my sources tell me that Reynolds' deals to appear in these superhero franchise films extend farther than that.

I can report- exclusively- that Ryan Reynolds has been cast in every upcoming superhero film!


Ryan Reynolds, walking casually and shirtless to his "The Incredible Hulk" screen test.

Reynolds will take on the role of "Thor" in director Kenneth Branaugh's upcoming adaptation. He will also appear as "Captain America" in "The First Avenger." But perhaps most surprising is the fact that Robert Downey, Jr. has just been replaced in the upcoming "Iron Man" sequel by- you guessed it- Ryan Reynolds!

My sources reported that director Jon Favreau was none too happy about the change, but shrugged his shoulders and got back to work. "I've got some reshoots to do," the affable director said.

We're still waiting to hear anything from "The Dark Knight" director Christopher Nolan, about having to recast Christian Bale as Batman.

"It will be interesting to see how Ryan handles playing every one of the Avengers in the same film," my source continued. "He's a talented actor, so I know he can pull it off- but will audiences tire of seeing him as all these superheroes?"

I'm also getting word that Reynolds' willingness to participate in every single superhero film has put the "Wonder Woman" adaptation back on the fast track. This troubled film has been in development since before Reynolds was born- but now, with Reynolds set to star, the movie should be hitting theaters next year.


Ryan Reynolds will have his acting skills tested as he dons the satin tights of "Wonder Woman" in the upcoming adaptation of that classic DC Comics property.

So what do you think, readers? Is Ryan Reynolds a good choice to play every single comic book character ever? Or is it just too much of a good thing?

Ryan Reynolds shirtless pic source.

Prediction: Marion Barry Will Have His Own VH1 Reality Show by the End of the Year

The former mayor of Washington D.C. and current city councilman Marion Barry has been accused of stalking an ex-girlfriend. He was arrested for stalking, but that charge was dismissed. Now, however, it looks like there's going to be an investigation into (alleged) payment of public funds to his ex-girlfriend.

But that's all fairly typical of politicians, and boring.

What's going to get Mr. Barry his VH1 reality show is the voice mail messages he left the object of his interest. Here is one (transcript taken from here, where you can listen to the original message):

Donna this thing’s gotten outta hand. That’s too bad. I don’t want to continue talking to you about anything and I don’t want to press no charges, I don’t wanna do nothin.’ I just want to be left alone and so you oughtta do the same thing. Don’t call me. [unintelligible] care about you. Don’t call me. I won’t call you. I won’t do anything crazy. I won’t call your mother. I won’t call any friends of yours or mine. I won’t do nothin’. Donna, watch right now. I’m gonna be off the radar screen. You oughtta take me off your radar screen. And you go about caring about yourself and you go about workin’. Put this to bed. You know. I’m not gonna pursue any charges. I’m not gonna talk to you anymore. I’m not gonna try and help save your life. That’s all gone. So let’s do that. Call me and tell me that that’s it and you’ll never hear from me again and, you know, never call me again, for any reason. So that’s what we ought to do. Because it takes too much energy to do this. I hated what I had to do tonight. That’s worked on my soul, that it would come to that, and so I’ve decided, I prayed on it since I’ve been [unintelligible] about an hour and a half. That’s not what we ought to be about. There’s too much love and having a history. So call me back and tell me that it’s, all over, that you’re not gonna do anything. I’m not gonna do anything. I’m not gonna badger you. I ain’t gonna leave no messages on the phone. Not out of fear. I’m not fearful of what you may do or what you may say because that’s the way I am. But I call upon your humanity and I call upon my own humanity to drop this and let it go and be busy about what you gotta do. Let me be busy about what I gotta do and we not talk to each other again. That’s all. Call me and let me know that you accept that and I will not ever call you and you shouldn’t call me and then we be alright.

Be honest: Who hasn't left a "don't call me again, but call back me so we can settle this" voice mail/email/text message at one time or another? That's relatable. But Marion Barry did it BIGGER. That's what you want from a reality star- relatability, and bigness.

VH1 already has a show that features the reprehensible "Hulk Hogan" family. They had shows featuring Danny Bonaduce and Tom Sizemore, and they have a new season of "Celebrity Rehab" featuring Sizemore and the woman he was convicted of assaulting, Heidi Fleiss.

The concept could be something simple, like just following the councilman around as he engages in his everyday routine of doing the city's work, and picking up ladies on the side. Or, it could be an "of Love" competition show, where the councilman gets to pick from among 20 or so typically attractive VH1 reality contestants. Competitions for the women could include having them drive him to public speaking events (whoever doesn't crash the limousine gets special "one-on-one" time), dividing the contestants into teams to see which creates the best "campaign commercial," or taking the contestants (who are most likely going to be strippers and, therefore, a little uncouth) to a "manners bootcamp" so that they can learn how to behave at all of those fundraisers that Mr. Barry attends.

Be honest: You would watch this show. I would.


"The Mayor Of Love," "Barry Good Love," and "Making Marion" are just three of the possible titles for VH1's new Marion Barry reality show. And those are just off the top of my head.

Marion Barry pic source.

"The Othersiders": Exploiting Naïve Children for Fun and Profit

After water, oil, coal, gold, and oxygen, and probably bread, children are our most precious resource. I don’t care for children personally, although I am related to a few that are capable of being quite charming, especially in small doses. That said, most people like children very much, or at least pretend to. For that reason, when I see children being mistreated or exploited, I become upset, or at least pretend to.

There is a new show on Cartoon Network called “The Othersiders” that is exploitive trash, representing a new low in entertainment, as it takes advantage of a group of very naïve children, for the cynical purpose of chasing ratings.

It follows a group of five kids from southern California who go around looking for “evidence” of “ghosts.” It’s sort of like “Ghost Hunters,” except these poor kids are still young enough to not know any better.

I believed in ghosts when I was a kid, but I outgrew it. For awhile, up until about my sophomore year of college, I believed that UFOs occasionally visited the earth. This is embarrassing for me to admit, but I actually once had a conversation with a friend of mine in which I made the statement, “Some crop circles are obviously caused by humans- but there are a few that have unexplained radiation around them, and are too elaborate to have been created by anything other than ETs.”

Oh, boy.

But I learned. I moved on. I stopped reading crap like “Fate,” and “Above Top Secret” and started reading “Skeptical Inquirer” and “Skeptic.” I discovered the work of James “The Amazing” Randi, Martin Gardner, and Michael Shermer, and I started reading the investigations into “hauntings” done by Joe Nickell. I grew up.

These poor kids on “The Othersiders” will hopefully meet with similar fates. In the meantime, Cartoon Network, the producers of the show, and, most importantly, their rotten parents, ought to be ashamed of themselves, for allowing these credulous children to be manipulated in this way.

I was only masochistic enough to sit through one full episode, in which the kids were inflicted upon the famous Queen Mary. This is a big boat docked in Long Beach that now serves as a hotel and a place for hosting parties and “paranormal tours.” Given the fact that the “paranormal” features so prominently on the ship’s website, you will I’m sure be unsurprised to learn that the credulous kids find enough “evidence” to call the place “haunted.”

But, the appearance of impartiality must be maintained, so the voice over asks, “Can the team collect the evidence they need to call this boat haunted? Or, can they find the evidence that will sink the ship’s lore?”

Just how impartial are they? During their briefing at “Othersiders HQ”, Riley, the “team leader,” impartially lays out their mission: To pick a “haunted” location “to find cold, hard facts to help us decide if the place is haunted or not.”

That kind of open-mindedness is important in any search for the truth.

Of course, this is typical of these types of shows. You gather together a group of credulous people who are in no way qualified to carry out an actual scientific investigation and turn them loose with flashlights and “EMF detectors” and let them find anything, and then call it “proof.” The jerks on “Ghost Hunters,” for instance, are- or were when the show started- plumbers. In no way do I want to be perceived as disparaging plumbers- they are necessary and do a great job. They perform a useful function and I am grateful for their service.

Plumbers, in essence, are the opposite of “ghost hunters.”

But as smart and as skilled as they might be, they are not scientists. You need only watch a few minutes of their show to see that this is the case.

And just as you start to feel a little bad for these kids, that they’re in over their heads and being exploited, KC, who is 16 years old, comes on the screen and says, smugly: “Some people in southern California like to go surfing, but we do something different. We go out and investigate reportedly haunted locations, searching for the unknown.”

We’re not doing anything frivolous, like going outside and getting exercise and experiencing nature. We’re walking around in dark buildings while being followed by a camera crew.

This is the same thinking that allows people like John Edward to say, with a straight face, that their exploitation of misery is actually a service- that they’re helping to provide “closure” to people who have lost loved ones.

Another "Othersider," Sam the webmaster, says he wants to meet a girl on an investigation, but worries she would probably be “invisible.” But don’t worry, Sam- I have a girl for you:



Anyway, while scouring the web in a totally unscripted scene, the team does some “research” on which “haunted” place to “investigate” next. The Queen Mary, they learn from one website, is very haunted. “Paranormal experts say there’s 150 known spirits lurking on the ship.”

I thought that the website from which they gathered this compelling information might be the official Queen Mary website, but I found a lot of websites that claim the “150” number.

And on the Queen Mary website, I found a page in which one “world-renowned psychic,” Peter James, claimed to have “identified more than 600 resident spirits haunting the ship- 150 he said he had spoken to personally.”

Since the number is made-up anyway and can’t be verified, why not go with the “600” number? Maybe this is yet another example of their impartiality and open-mindedness. The “600” number was only reported by one person (and he’s dead now, so they can’t consult with him- wait a minute…), and is therefore the less credible number.

Anyway, “the Othersiders” are after EVIDENCE, so they bring their “equipment,” and their senses. On the way there, riding in the car, they discuss how excited they are to get to the boat and see the over 150 ghosts. So they’re not exactly going in with the open mind you’d expect from a group of people who are dispassionately searching for evidence of the unknown.

In fact, it’s almost as if they’re actually expecting to see ghosts. To quote Joe Nickell:

The power of suggestion can help trigger ghostly encounters. According to noted psychologist and fellow ghostbuster Robert A. Baker, "We tend to see and hear those things we believe in."

To that end, they meet with “Queen Mary Historian” Dustin, who probably works in the Queen Mary’s publicity department (or perhaps he's Dustin Officer, described in this article as a "tour guide"). He gives them information that is in no way intended to influence them- it’s all merely for historical/research purposes: There have been “52 recorded deaths, not to mention hundreds of deaths of the soldiers as well…Quite a few real ‘hot spots’ on the ship, if you know what I’m talking about. One of them is the pool; they’ve got a vortex area there. Also, there’s a little girl who’s known to visit the pool…”

Well, now they know what to look for- and they’ve gotten this insight from a “Queen Mary Historian,” and we all know how sober and dispassionate historians are. They are seekers of the truth, not tourist dollars.

They set up their basecamp, in the dark, and then get to work. Cameras are set up in a few rooms, to catch any stray movements or light changes that might occur directly in front of said unattended cameras. These stray movements or light changes can easily be interpreted as “evidence” all on their own, but watching hours of footage of a dark room lit with eerie green light is boring, so the kids suit up with lights, microphones, and cameras pointed at their own terrified faces- everything a good ghost hunter needs. Then they’re followed by a camera crew.

The first room they enter is the Pool Room, which is supposedly haunted by the ghost of a little girl called “Jackie.” Supposedly she was murdered there. Since she’s a little girl (can the dead age? if you die while still a “little girl,” do you remain a little girl?) “the Othersiders” decide to leave her some toys to play with. One of them takes photos of the toys with a digital camera, another piece of their “equipment.” If the toys have moved in subsequent photos, then that’s more proof.

They also use a thermal camera, because temperature change could mean that there is a spirit nearby. It could also mean that the room is not the same temperature all over- a not uncommon occurrence in such a massive space as a room in which a giant swimming pool is located. The thermal camera does pick up a “hot spot,” but despite this amazing evidence the intrepid investigators press on. They need more evidence!

So they break out a voice recorder to engage in some “Call and Respond.” This consists of the living twerps singing “Ring Around the Rosy” and waiting for the dead twerp to join in. That’s compelling television, watching a couple of kids sit in the dark and sing “Ring Around the Rosy.” They get through at least two verses, too.

Someone supposedly died in the Engine Room, and on occasion one can hear “strange noises like the engine turning on, even though it no longer works.” Wow- that is strange. A room with sounds. In a working hotel, restaurant, and events hosting site!

Time to break out the “EMF detector.” We are told in the caption that this device “measures surrounding magnetic fields to detect a possible spirit’s presence.” You have to give it to the producers for slipping that “possible” in there. What they’re measuring could be spirits, or it could be- um, well, I guess it could be something other than spirits.

So why are they using this equipment to detect spirits?

When the investigators hear a sound like the engine turning on by itself (why would ghosts turn on the engine of a ship that cannot move, anyway?), they can take the eeriness no more, and flee for the safety of their basecamp.

Next they hit the Boiler Room, where supposedly people have heard sounds like footsteps and seen glowing eyes. The two kids in this room are Jackie and Riley, and they’re both scared, in particular Jackie.

I don’t blame them. It’s a big room, and it’s dark. Being in the dark is scary, even I think so and I know that ghosts are not real. But that brings up another trait of these shows- the “investigators” always do their “investigating” in the dark. That’s fine, I guess- maybe ghosts only come out at night, or something (since so many ghost sightings are just the result of dreams, that makes sense. again, from Nickell:

The experience is a common type of hallucination, known popularly as a "waking dream," which takes place between being fully asleep and fully awake. Such experiences typically include bizarre imagery (bright lights or apparitions of demons, ghosts, aliens, etc.) and/or auditory hallucinations. "Sleep paralysis" may also occur, whereby there is an inability to move because the body is still in the sleep mode.

), in which case, sure, have the “investigators” stumble around in the dark with terrified looks on their faces.

But then why not turn on the lights and see if you can find any explanation for the “unexplained” phenomena you’ve “witnessed”?

They don't want to see what scared them.

“The Othersiders” become terrified by any stray noise. Despite this, they use their last investigative tool, their senses, to make some powerful observations: “Maybe someone’s trying to get our attention.” “I don’t see a loose piece…I didn’t see anything fall.”

Finally, Riley breaks out the old, reliable “voice recorder” and says, “If there’s someone here with us, please show us a sign or do something previous that you’ve done before. If you could throw something up from above that’d be great.”

That is a verbatim quote. These kids are so scared, they have barely retained their powers of coherent speech.

Anyway, they decide to leave, because, they claim, they have a lot of “evidence” to go through. They do not remain to investigate the rooms with the lights on.

They do not consult with anyone like Michael Shermer, The Amazing Randi, or Joe Nickell.

Instead, they check out the thermal camera footage.

To their credit, they decide this “evidence” is “not credible,” since that hot spot could be anything- a pipe or a wire or something electrical (hey- why not consult an electrician?).

Next, they check out some of the “weird footage” from the cameras they set up in the rooms. They see shadows that seem to move in the dark! In big rooms, they see shadows and tricks of the lighting, so that “evidence” is called “credible.” Did they check their equipment (cameras and eerie green lights) for defects? Did they examine the rooms in the light to see if they could find anything that might have caused the light to change or a shadow to move (could there be rats in the Queen Mary? hope not- it’s a working hotel and restaurant and event center)? No, they did not. They just checked their footage- the camera doesn’t lie.

They didn't even check to see if there were any insects in the room:



Next, they listen to the sounds they recorded using their “voice recorders.” During the “Ring Around the Rosy” song, they hear something. That’s “credible evidence!” Although it sounds to me like the sounds of a party going on in another room of a working hotel, restaurant, and event center, the investigators insist it must be the murdered girl.

Then, they hear the words “Get out” on the second recording, the one made when the “team leader” asked the “ghost” to “do something previous that you’ve done before.”

Naturally, the investigators are spooked by this compelling evidence of ghostly activity.

Riley the leader comes close to reasonableness, when he states, “Who knows; it’s really old, it echoes, so it could have been coming from somewhere else…” But then, he gives in to peer pressure and goes along with the other four, calling the place “haunted.”

An old boat docked in Long Beach, used as a hotel, a restaurant, and event center. That has regular “paranormal tours” for which it charges, in some cases, over $100 to participate, is a location at which sounds are heard. That’s all the proof you need.

I wonder if anyone has told these kids that Barack Obama is Satan? They should really look into that next- since there’s so much proof of it. “Reverse Speech experts” have found it- caught on tape!

Sylvia Browne pic source.

A Short Story About Love Based on a Couple I Saw During My Recent Trip to Chicago

There was a time when certain of his habits had repulsed her, and she'd fought against them. He would scratch at some private area, such as his crotch, or go digging in his nose or armpit, then make a movement in her direction. She would scold him.

"That's gross," she would say.

He would apologize, and wash his hands.

Soon, he stopped washing his hands. Then, he stopped apologizing. Eventually- perhaps around the time she started to wear knee-high hose- she came to realize that scolding him was just a waste of breath that could be used for other purposes, such as breathing.

Today, she saw him place his finger in his ear, and vigorously scratch. In anticipation, she said, "Gimme," and opened her mouth, her tongue slowly moving over her bottom lip.

He removed the finger from his ear, the tip covered with a dark yellow film of wax, and placed it against her tongue.

They understood that true love was experienced only when you found everything about your partner delicious. And they felt sorry for anyone who did not recognize this.

Charm School 3 Episode 8: Thou Shalt Not Show Too Much Progress

A couple of weeks back, VH1 gave its viewers a great gift, by unexpectedly pre-empting the new episode of “Charm School.” My conspiracy theory- still unproven but that doesn’t matter with a conspiracy theory- is that they pulled the episode because of “Jon & Kate’s” “big announcement.” Whatever the reason, when I fired up the TiVo and found no new CS, I got that same giddy feeling that I used to get when I was a child, and I would awaken to learn that a foot of snow had fallen and school was cancelled.

The air outside smelled cleaner. I walked around with a disconcerting smile that worried my friends. When I went to the doctor for my regular yearly checkup, he remarked, “I have never seen you look so happy and healthy.”

I replied, “Well, this is going to sound stupid to you, but the reason I’m so happy is because ‘Charm School’ wasn’t on this week.”

“Oh, really?” he said. “And I set my TiVo for that, too. Say, who do you think is going to win? Risky?”

Naturally, I walked out. Ever since that day, I’ve been searching for a new doctor. I do not want the person who is giving me physical examinations to have an active interest in such a rotten show as “Charm School.” S/he should be reading the latest on prostate health, not rooting for Risky, for crying out loud.

That said, my former doctor is probably correct- I expect Risky does have the best chance of “winning,” for whatever that is worth (and it’s worth $100K, but nothing else). She’s shown a lot of “progress,” at least since Kiki and So Hood left, and she seems the most practical. Of the remaining contestants, only Marcia has a real chance against her (Brittanya has been trying too hard to keep her nose clean the entire season, out of fear of her impending jail term, and as a result hasn’t got enough of an arc). As long as she’s able to not be too obvious when smacking down Ricki, as she did last week, she should coast to a win.

Anyway, this week there was no new episode of “Daisy of Love,” and my conspiracy theory for that is, since very few people are watching the show, VH1 thought no one would notice.

But back to “Charm School”:

“Sometimes, you have to send home the girl who’s shown the most change and keep the girl who’s less charming and has further to go. That’s the hard part of Charm School and that’s the part that seems unfair. But in the end, it’s best for everyone.”

That is the powerful rationalization offered by the worst television host in history, Ricki Lake, after sending home this week’s expelled student. What can you say about a show in which Ashley, Brittanya, Bubbles, Marcia, and Risky are sympathetic, and the host is completely loathsome and arbitrary?

These “girls” are trapped in some terrible Franz Kafka story, in which the rules of the game are completely arbitrary, based on the unknowable caprices of some inscrutable force with the power to send them home, or keep them around, with the tantalizing possibility of a prize of $100K.


At the beginning of the episode, Marcia, shaking from alcoholic thirst, calls up her good friend and former Rock of Love Bus co-conspirator Maria for a "pep" talk. Can you believe that I have already forgotten who this woman was?

Show too much “progress,” and you’re sent home. Show not enough “progress,” and you’re sent home. Call someone “retarded,” over and over again, and…

The episode begins with Bubbles cleaning the toilets, to take her mind off last week’s debacle, in which Baybaybay’s transformation from “strong” to “completely destroyed by the felicities of Ricki Lake” was complete. Bubbles might be dumb, but she’s smart enough to understand, if only on a subliminal level, that this show is not “helping” these “girls” at all. It is hurting them. But she’s not quitting, so she is resorting to cleaning toilets to take her mind off it. Poor Bubbles.

Today’s commandment, which is totally meaningless, is “Thou Shalt Give it Thy All.” Because you’ve got to have determination to reach your goals. The worthy goals, such as those approved by Ricki Lake and Charm School. The guest is April Holmes, a “gold medalist,” “scholar,” “consultant,” and “motivational coach.”

Stryker informs the students that her gold medal was in the 100 meters, and that she is considered the fastest woman in the world.

Someone who is crass might comment that the women of “Charm School” are pretty “fast,” but I’ll refrain, because I am not crass. Although later in the episode, when the “girls” go to the Saddle Ranch, a couple of them can’t help themselves, and make some crass comments about “riding” the mechanical bull.

See- I am showing too much progress, by refraining from making my snarky comment. I would get sent home, if I were a contestant.

April Holmes tells the “girls” that everyone falls. She asks them what has motivated them to get back up when they’ve fallen. They all answer, selflessly, that it was their child, or a family member. April says that’s great.

And then she removes her wooden leg.

April Holmes woke from a train accident short one leg. That is a shocking twist I did not see coming. I half expected one of the “girls” to pull a Manly Pointer and steal the thing. But, alas, it was not to be.


April Holmes' achievements in overcoming adversity were inspiring. Then, she ruined everything by appearing on "Charm School." Now she's not much better than Mark Edgar Stevens.

The problem is that they need to rely on “themselves” to “get back up” after they fall. Not some child, or other family member.

To that end, April passes out mirrors and instructs the students to look in the mirror and praise themselves. Again, if I were crass, I might point out that these womens’ problems probably stem more from narcissism than low self-esteem, but I don’t care if Ricki expels me, so I’m going to continue trying to be nice. So I won’t mention that getting these women to praise themselves could possibly be the worst thing you could do for them.

Risky: “I do see a strong person. I see a person that wants to help others…. You are a caring person, but you need to open up.”

Remember that. Risky herself says, “You are a caring person, but you need to open up.” Her fellow students remember it, later. Risky is taking the most minor of criticisms she’s heard about herself, and making sure to plant it in the minds of her fellow contestants. She is setting her own agenda, like a politician. “I am so caring, I guess my only fault is that I keep everything bottled up inside. Except when I’m talking about how caring I am.”

Later she interviews: “It’s really hard for me to look at myself on the inside.” That is what x-rays are for, Risky.

Brittanya: “I look like crap today…Am I supposed to describe myself?…I see someone that wears makeup…”

Bubbles jumps in. “You have a lot of potential.”


Bubbles thinks that Brittanya has a lot of potential.

Ashley, looking in the mirror, says: “I see a bitch.” For this true moment of insight, she is rewarded with an interruption by Bubbles: I see a person that has to lover herself more.”

Ashley shows remarkable restraint by not pointing out that Bubbles is being deliberately annoying and intrusive. This exercise is meant to allow each of the “girls” to praise themselves- it’s not so that the “girls” can praise one another.

Bubbles looks in the mirror and says, “Bianca, I love you!…You can rise above this!” I will admit for a moment I didn’t realize that Bubbles was talking to herself, and addressing herself by her REAL name. She is “Bubbles.” “Bianca” is the name of a supermodel, or a villainous female from a spy novel. Bianca, you’re Bubbles.

Marcia struggles: “I do love myself… You make me shake… You’re working on your faults…” She then raises her head and says that she’s shaking because she’s gone nine days without alcohol. She should be proud of herself, that’s quite an accomplishment.

And this exercise they’ve been told to engage in is meant to make these women feel better by having them compliment themselves.

So, Ricki, if Marcia mentions every couple of minutes that she has gone X days without a drink, you had better celebrate along with her- because you are encouraging her not to accomplish something, but to aggrandize herself.

Remember that, Ricki, when you become annoyed with Marcia for constantly mentioning her days without a drink.

Speaking of that great accomplishment, the producers think it would be a great idea to send the “girls” to the Saddle Ranch, the famous bar on the Sunset strip (and site of a couple of my own occasional drunken missteps) to help raise money for “PLAY,” which is some kind of charity for underprivileged kids. (I guess PLAY didn’t want to send a representative to the show to talk about themselves.) The girls have to mingle with patrons, to raise pledges based on the amount of time they can spend riding the mechanical bull. Cue the “girls’” cute double entendres about riding.

Bubbles: “She [Marcia] rode that bull like she was making love to it.”

Ashley: “I can ride anything better than Marcia can.”

Risky: “Well, I’ve never ridden an ANIMAL before…”


The Saddle Ranch is a famous bar with a mechanical bull on the Sunset strip. Can you think of a more charming place to take someone who might be an alcoholic?

Marcia is the winner, earning a total of $1,800. She is now safe from expulsion. After the “riding,” the “girls” gather to eat cheeseburgers and annoy one another. Bubbles talks some nonsense, and Ashley can take no more, telling her “I feel bad for you as a person out in society who doesn’t know how to function with adults.”

Bubbles says something about not liking Ashley’s “constructive criticism.” (Bubbles, by the way, does not even know the definition of “constructive criticism”- as we’ll see, she uses the term to mean any kind of criticism at all.) She says that Ashley needs a lot of constructive criticism.

Ashley says that Bubbles needs a lot of mental help.

Risky tries to change the subject. She mentions something about seeing Brittanya’s butt crack while she was riding the bull.

This might have worked on me, but Bubbles is undeterred. “I still think you’re a mean girl,” she says to Ashley.

Ashley: “Well, thank you, I still think you’re retarded.”

Silence falls over the table. This is the second time that Ashley has used THAT word, and the “girls” are worried that Ashley isn’t progressing.

Bubbles: “I’m gonna tell Ricki!” Bubbles doesn’t seem to be making much progress, either.

Ashley interviews that she feels bad for Bubbles, but, “she just kept talking back and saying the stupidest sh*t.”

This sets up the next assignment, in which each “girl” is to paint portraits of their classmates, painting them the way you see them on the inside, then pointing out one of their faults that they need to work on improving.

Ricki: “I’m hoping these paintings will give me some insight as to who should go home tonight.”

If that’s the case, Ricki, then I renew my call for you to eliminate YOURSELF. You are in no position to judge anyone, over anything.

Bubbles does herself no favors, by explaining that she has the upper hand in this assignment, since she probably knows more about art therapy than anyone else there. Why should Bubbles have such experience with art therapy? A crueler person than I might point out that art therapy is often employed when dealing with mentally challenged individuals. However, I will not point this out because I want Ricki to eliminate me from Charm School.

Ashley paints Risky as an angel who needs to open up more.

Brittanya paints Risky as a giant heart that needs to open up more.


Risky needs to open up more. Everyone knows this because she has told them so.

Ricki is impressed that everyone seems to think that Risky needs to open up more. Of course, the “girls” are merely parroting what Risky has already said about herself. And Risky was parroting YOU, Ricki.

You see how much they’re learning in “Charm School?”

Risky paints Brittanya as a mother who needs to be a better mother.

Brittanya says that Marcia needs to be less rude.

Ashley paints Marcia as a butterfly, because she needs to change, and needs to work on more than just her drinking. “I didn’t want to list all of Marcia’s faults, because it would run seven pages,” she says, helpfully.

Ricki: “Ashley makes a great point about Marcia. Her commitment to sobriety is commendable. But has she begun to get to the source of her drinking?”

Ricki, are you serious? You just had them engage in an exercise in which they were to look in a mirror and praise themselves. You just took them to a BAR, to ride a mechanical bull. Ricki, you are the terrible host of the most superficial, irritating, and utterly USELESS show on all of VH1, for crying out loud, and you’re afraid that Marcia, after NINE DAYS WITHOUT A DRINK hasn’t begun to get “to the source of her drinking?”

Are you trying to sound clueless? Are you trying to sound insensitive? Are you trying to make us hate you, Ricki?

I am serious about this. I want to know the answers to those questions. And here’s another: Was your goal to make this season of Charm School VH1’s worst show ever, even worse than the show with the venal and despicable family of the reprehensible Hulk Hogan?

Ashley paints Bubbles as bubbly, but inappropriately loquacious. As if to prove her right, Bubbles interrupts Ashley’s description by pointing out to Ricki that Ashley again said she was “retarded.” Naturally, Ricki is scandalized.

Bubbles’ painting of Ashley attempts to depict the obvious inner turmoil she must feel, then says something about how her “constructive criticism” is very mean and meant to break her and blah blah blah.

Bubbles, if the criticism is mean and meant to break you, then it is not, by definition, CONSTRUCTIVE. Please google “constructive criticism” and see what you get.

Ricki: “Some of these girls could really learn a lot from her [Bubbles], if they weren’t making fun… Bubbles has learned all the lessons there are at Charm School.”

The lesson is, Ricki, that you are trying to make us hate you.

Ashley meets privately with Ricki. As she interviews, if Ricki had to spend half as much time with Bubbles as she does, she would understand why she has such problems with her. Bubbles is irritating and won’t shut up. Ashley is okay with everyone else, but Bubbles pushes her buttons. Bubbles was supposedly in Charm School to learn to stand up for herself, but all Bubbles ever does is “stand up for herself.”

Ricki tells Ashley she’s proud of her progress. Blah blah blah.

Bottom two are Ashley and Bubbles. Can you guess who gets sent home?


Oh, La La, why couldn't you have been the head of Charm School?

“Sometimes, you have to send home the girl who’s shown the most change and keep the girl who’s less charming and has further to go. That’s the hard part of Charm School and that’s the part that seems unfair. But in the end, it’s best for everyone.”

Yep, the “girl” who keeps calling the other one “retarded” gets to stay.

To Bubbles, she says: “You already know the drill…I really believe, deep down, you are a really good person.” She has show too much progress.

To Ashley: “You have further to go here.” But, if that’s the case, shouldn’t they keep Bubbles, so that she can keep “pushing Ashley’s buttons”? With Bubbles gone, Ashley gets along with everyone else in the school. So where is the test?

Or, is it that Ashley is the most popular character from VH1’s successful Rock of Love Bus, while Bubbles was some drip from Real Chance of Love?

Next week, the remaining “girls” will be helping Katrina victims in New Orleans. If I were trying to remain in Charm School, I might point out that the people of New Orleans have suffered enough without having to suffer through the filming of this particular VH1 reality show.


Question: What should I bring with me?
Answer: A good book.

Maria pic source.
April Holmes pic source.
Brittanya pic source.
Bubbles and Beverly flyer pic source.
Saddle Ranch pic source.
Risky pic source.
La La pic source.

Is Alice Hoffman a Cyberbully?

Alice Hoffman is a writer of some standing, having authored some bestsellers including "Practical Magic," which was made into a film with Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. Her new book received a less than glowing review from an author named Roberta Silman, writing in the Boston Globe.

Alice Hoffman did not like getting a negative review. She took to twitter and posted some very mean things about Ms. Silman, who is a respected writer in her own right and "recipient of both a Guggenheim Fellowship (1979-80) and an NEA Fellowship (1983)".

Hoffman's twitter account has been deleted, but Gawker has some screenshots of some of the nasty things that she posted about Silman. Among the things she posted:

“Roberta Silman in the Boston Globe is a moron. How do some people get to review books? And give the plot away.”

“Now any idiot can be a critic. Writers used to review writers. My second novel was reviewed by Ann Tyler. So who is Roberta Silman?”

She also posted Silman's email address and phone number, and encouraged her twitter followers to call and harass Silman. For being a moron who just didn't get Hoffman's book.

According to the Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act, introduced in the House of Representatives on April 2, 2009, that makes Hoffman a cyberbully.

Sec. 881. Cyberbullying

`(a) Whoever transmits in interstate or foreign commerce any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.

`(b) As used in this section--

`(1) the term `communication' means the electronic transmission, between or among points specified by the user, of information of the user's choosing, without change in the form or content of the information as sent and received; and

`(2) the term `electronic means' means any equipment dependent on electrical power to access an information service, including email, instant messaging, blogs, websites, telephones, and text messages.'.

I'd say that calling someone a "moron" on twitter, and posting their email address and phone number and encouraging your followers to harass her, certainly qualifies as "cyberbullying" under the murky language of this proposed bill.

If only it had been passed back in April, some enterprising prosecutor could be making a name for himself, hauling Alice Hoffman off in handcuffs tonight.


Alice Hoffman, cyberbully.

Pic source.

Giving a Tattoo to a Consenting Adult= Possible Fine. No Seatbelt for your Child= No Fine.

A singer called Rihanna is being investigated because she gave some tattoo artists tattoos without a license:

When Rihanna tatooed a few of the tattoo artists at East Side Ink in New York on Wednesday night, she may not have realized what she was doing was illegal.

The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene confirmed to MTV News on Thursday (July 2) that someone has been sent to the tattoo parlor to investigate the incident. In a statement, the department said, "Only licensed tattoo artists can administer tattoos in the city according to the City's Health Code. We are sending someone to follow up on this."

The people who received the tattoos were themselves licensed tattoo artists. They of all people should be able to decide for themselves if they want an "unlicensed" person to give them a tattoo- in their own studio, and with their own equipment.

Apparently the event was not witnessed by anyone from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (is it the health of the person receiving the tattoo, or the "mental hygiene" that this department is worried about?), but there were photos taken, and those photos have appeared on the internet:



Naturally, this sent the intrepid New York Health and Mental Hygiene group into "protect the public" mode.

Back in 2006 another popular female musical performer, Britney Spears, was photographed doing something that violated the law- something that was slightly more disturbing than giving a small tattoo to a consenting adult.

She drove on the freeway in Los Angeles with her baby in her lap:



Her punishment for this, according to TMZ, was- nothing.

The L.A. County Sheriff's Department did not pursue the case against Spears, because the offense requires that an officer witness it and that didn't happen. The Department of Children and Family Services paid a visit to Spears after the incident but we're told no formal action was taken.

Even if she'd been found guilty of violating the law against not putting your child in a car seat- and clearly based on this photo that is exactly what she did- the most she would have gotten was a $100 fine.

Rihanna could be facing a full $1,800 in fines for the three small tattoos that she gave.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is, if you're going to violate the law, and be photographed in the process, do it in Los Angeles. And for crying out loud, endanger the safety of a small and helpless baby on the open road, not a consenting adult in the comfort and safety of his own tattoo parlor.

Britney child abuse photo source.
Rihanna photo source.

Weird, Slightly Disturbing Spam Email

This morning I got an email with the subject heading "wet." The full contents of the email were as follows:

for a more valuable holiday you need to choose some quiet places.at least i do like that.

What does this weird, slightly disturbing email mean? Who is this person and why does he feel compelled to tell me what kind of holiday he finds most valuable? What has "wet" got to do with anything?

What Is Coming Out of Johnny Depp's Crotch?

There is a new movie that opened yesterday called "Public Enemies," which features Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, the famous outlaw. Famously well-endowed outlaw. Take a look at this picture of Mr. Dillinger, taken after his death:



Was that massive "tent pole" caused by Mr. Dillinger's massive you-know-what? According to this site,

It is also worthy to note that his autopsy photo gave the public the idea that he had a massive penis since the sheet covering his body displayed a prominent "tent pole". However, these rumors were unfounded as it was merely caused by his hand's outstretched position from rigor mortis.

This has led to the rumor that Dillinger's penis is so remarkable that it has been installed in the Smithsonian. This is apparently untrue.

But that hasn't stopped the marketers of the new film "Public Enemies" from capitalizing on the legend. Check out the placement of Johnny Depp's name above the main title in the poster:



It's right over his crotch.

That of course isn't an accident. A lot of people vetted this poster before it made it into circulation- including, I'm sure, representatives for Mr. Depp. There's a reason they chose to place Johnny Depp's name right there, and the title just below that. Penis still sells, even after all these years. Now I'm sure there are millions of people out there who just can't wait to see this film, and they don't quite understand why.

It's because they are, as the kids say today, "dickmatized." What I don't understand is, why did they make Johnny Depp's name so small?

The legend of John Dillinger lives on.

Dillinger post mortem pic source.
Public Enemies poster pic source.

Charm School 3 Episode 7: Selfish

So KO did leave. Stryker tried to talk her out of it, but Stryker was unable to convince her that she shouldn't give up her chance at $100K. That Stryker is one compelling individual, clearly.

KO couldn't stand being called a liar, even though she is a liar, and quite transparently so. She tearfully reads a note she had prepared for Ricki, in which she reads (because, otherwise we the viewers might not have gotten a chance to know of its selfless contents) that it was "an honor to be here at Charm School to learn... and I hope some day I can be like you and inspire girls the way you have inspired me. Thank you."

Baybaybay is in disbelief. Here she was all set to be "selfless," and KO is ruining everything. Risky, also up for expulsion, isn't much better, pointing out that everything KO's been through, she has been through. But she doesn't want anyone to pity her.


Risky needs to be careful when calling Ricki out on her hypocrisy. She does it a couple of times in this episode, and if Ricki ever actually wises up, she might become offended by that "realness" and "rawness".

That of course is Risky's problem. You have to go for pity on this show. You have to "open up" about all the misery of your life. Remember Natasha got eliminated for not wallowing. Remember that Risky herself almost go eliminated for the same reason.

Risky is so mad she's crying, and now Ricki is moved, because she is so superficial she can only feel "empathy" for someone if they're crying. "I am completely moved by Risky's speech. She's being so raw and real."

Because she's mad, and she's crying. Those things Ricki can understand.

Ricki decides to take over more control, doing away with "detention" and leaving the matter of expulsion completely with herself and the deans, La La and Stryker. Can the show get any worse?

Yes, it can. This is the worst VH1 reality competition show of all time, worse even than Daisy of Love, and it is going to get even worse.

In the Lecture Hall, Stryker informs the "girls" that the commandment this week is "Thou Shalt Make Love, Not War." That's fine, I guess, but it has absolutely nothing to do with anything the "girls" "learn" this week.

Sometimes it's as if the show is put together by two rival committees working in different rooms, with no contact with one another. The producers then take everything from room A and combine with everything from room B, and mix.

Upon hearing the commandment, Brittanya interviews that she thinks Stryker is "hot." Either she has been stuck in that "school" so long that she has lost all perspective, or she is brown-nosing, because there is no way no how that doofus is "hot." As far as I'm concerned, Brittanya's comments are an expellable offense.


Brittanya thinks this thing is "hot." It is not.

Stryker introduces a couple of men from The Museum of Tolerance, Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal.

Zaal says "the best way to describe myself is I'm a former racist; skinhead." That might be true if you're living in the past- should the best way to describe yourself be in reference to what you once were? Assuming, of course, you've left all that behind, maybe the best way to describe yourself is "recovering racist".

Anyway, Zaal used to get together with his Nazi punk friends and beat people up. He kept razors in his boots for the purpose, displaying a level of commitment that Bubbles has trouble with: "No matter how much I hate somebody, I would never put razors in my boots to hurt them." Try to imagine any of the "girls" ruining a perfectly good pair of shoes like that.

It turns out that Boger was one of Zaal's victims, who was stomped brutally outside a hamburger stand on Santa Monica Blvd. Poor Boger was homeless at the time, because his mother kicked him out of the house for being gay.

Later, Boger starts working at the Museum of Tolerance, and who is working there as a consultant? None other than "former racist; skinhead" Zaal.


Mixed Signals: Read what is written on the chalk board. "Love overcomes compassion, tolerance, forgiveness." What does that mean? That you need love to overcome compassion? Love trumps tolerance? Love fraks forgiveness? Or is it actually just empty platitudes?

I would like to know, and I think this important: Was Zaal punished by the law for his actions? Why was he working as a "consultant" for the Museum? Was it community service? What evidence do we have that Zaal's transformation was genuine? I am an optimist and I believe that anyone can change, but watching Charm School has made me cynical about peoples' motives.

Boger says that he forgives Zaal, which is more important than any punishment he might have gotten from the law: "Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook, but regaining your power. When you forgive, it lets you gain back what they took from you. Otherwise, they continue to hold that power over you."

To which Ashley sensibly responds: "If somebody kicked my ass with razor blades I don't think I would ever forgive them."

Ever-sensitive Stryker can't help but notice that Baybaybay looks disturbed, and asks her, leadingly, if KO is on her mind? Baybaybay has been so cowed and manipulated by Charm School that she starts to cry and tells him she feels bad. "I'm sitting in the spot she should be sitting."

Ashley, points out the hypocrisy of the show: "It's hard for me to feel compassion for all these girls because this is still a competition and there's still $100,000 on the line."

Stryker, compassionately, sets up a meeting with himself, Ricki, and Baybaybay. Baybaybay says that she still feels that KO deserves to be there more than she does. "She has serious issues... something happened to her... I feel like I've come so far... I feel like my journey has ended."

Ricki: "You realize you're passing up the opportunity to win $100,000?" No, Ricki, she is not. You yourself have already said there's nothing more she can learn. She knows she has no shot at the money because you have told her as much. She "doesn't need Charm School," remember?

You put her in this position. She's leaving anyway, so her leaving has to be as meaningful as she can make it.


Stryker and Ricki team up against Baybaybay. Their collective manipulative powers are too much for her.

Baybaybay: "I can't be selfish."

Baybaybay is starting to sound smug, but she's going to get worse.

Stryker asks, What if you could bring someone else besides KO back?

Baybaybay says she would bring back Kiki, but it's a toss up. Both have serious faults. Both are irritating in their own ways, and both are equally deserving of coming back (i.e., not deserving at all).

Ricki wants to "empower" her, by letting her speak to both KO and to Kiki. She can choose which of the two to bring back, and take her place. "I really think the lesson on compassion and tolerance has had an effect on Baybaybay, and it makes me proud."

No, Ricki, she has learned nothing about compassion and tolerance. You have manipulated her into a position in which she is being selfish, not compassionate.

Anyway, the girls take everything they learned from the "former racist; skinhead" and the gay man he beat up, and clean dog shit.

I'm not joking. The "girls" are taken to something that was I believe called "Pet Orphans," where they are forced to show "compassion" and "empathy" for dogs by cleaning shit out of their cages.

Are the producers really equating dogs with gay men? Could they be that callous? Or are they just clueless?

Their cleaning style will be judged by the Pet Orphans crew. Risky points out that the cages are filthy, as the cages seem to full of shit that the dogs have been playing in.


Ashley learning empathy.

Who are these "Pet Orphans" people to judge the "empathy" of the Charm School "girls," when they don't even bother to keep the dog cages free of shit?

It turns out, they don't judge. Everyone's a winner today! The "girls" did a great job cleaning shit! Congratulations!

The real shit is to come, as Baybaybay is still struggling with her phony decision. Marcia says that if Baybaybay wants to leave that's fine, but why bring someone else back?

"Because I can't help the way I feel. I can't help my heart." She is egotistical and selfish, putting her own feelings above everyone else's, and thinking it's noble. She is Ricki's perfect student.

There's some more arguing before Baybaybay smugly calls all the "girls" for a meeting, where she announces that she is going to leave, and asks them who they think deserves another chance, KO or Kiki?

Risky: "Neither one of them deserve to come back.

Ashley: "I think Baybaybay thinks she's the new Mother Theresa of Charm School."

Risky: "What's the point of bringing someone back?"

Baybaybay: "To help them."

Risky: "We need help, too!...If that's the case, they should not have eliminated nobody."

Baybaybay condescendingly believes that the other "girls" haven't learned anything about compassion. No, Baybaybay- they just haven't been brainwashed the way you have. They are still playing by the rules.


Baybaybay uses all the manipulative techniques she's learned from Ricki to go after Marcia. "At least you know you're an alcoholic now," she says, helpfully.

Except Bubbles. Bubbles thinks what Baybaybay is doing is "very nice." If Baybaybay wasn't so far gone, she would realize that this is all the proof she needs that what she's doing is not nice at all. It's totally rotten.

She interviews both Kiki and KO. Kiki still believes her belligerence was just confidence misinterpreted. KO believes she's owed an apology for being called a liar.

Left out of all this is the fact that Ricki Lake is no "help" to anyone, and should be kept away from people at all costs. Kiki and KO are better off outside Charm School, despite the loss of the $100K.

It's all a big tease anyway. Selfish Baybaybay put the remaining students through an angry ordeal, and built up the hopes of both Kiki and KO, only to decide, selfishly, to not let either expelled student back in.

Risky: "Why did you put us through this?"

Baybaybay leaves, and good riddance. I was tired of typing her name (and I'm not sure if it's "Bay Bay Bay" or "Baybaybay;" I've seen it written both ways and I'm glad I don't have to worry about it anymore).

This show is terrible.


Without a word, Ashley tells you all you need to know about this rotten show.

Pics source.

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Daisy de la Hoya was of such an agreeable disposition, with a kind and generous heart and open emotions, that it was impossible for those who knew her well- and Mr. Rachtman, Daisy’s faithful servant and confidant certainly considered himself someone who knew her well- to not see the lugubriousness of spirit that had recently overtaken her. For this reason, Mr. Rachtman had endeavored to make his attentions toward her all the more overt and careful, with especial attention being paid to those moments in which Daisy displayed her heart at its most unguarded. It was in these moments that her tongue was at its most free, and it was in these moments that she was most often heard to remark,

“I wonder what London is doing right now?”

Since the departure of the gentleman known as London, Daisy had not at all been herself. There were those among the people of the town who, motivated by brazen jealousy, had been heard to remark that this was not so bad a thing, but to Mr. Rachtman, it was agonizing. It was owing to this state of affairs at the estate of Daisy de la Hoya that Mr. Rachtman was particularly receptive when he found, amongst his correspondence, an item addressed to his attention from the gentleman Joshua Lee, AKA London.

Mr. Rachtman did not dispose of the envelope. He dutifully opened it and therein he discovered a heartfelt letter, which he dutifully read.

DEAR SIR,

THE disagreement subsisting earlier, between myself and situation at the estate of the most lovely and gracious Daisy de la Hoya has been much on my mind. At the time of my exiting the estate, I began to feel toward the lady certain feelings that, in all honesty, distracted me with their intensity. As I am sure you are aware, the estate of the lovely Daisy is a place of extremity and intensity, and I am much ashamed to now admit that I did not trust the ardor I felt while ensconced in that estimable place.

Having been away now for several weeks, I can faithfully and in good conscience and candor tell you that, honestly and earnestly, the feelings with which I suffered while at the estate in my previous stay have not subsided. On the contrary, the passions I felt have only intensified.

I have felt compelled to address to you this letter, dear sir, owing to the skepticism you have shown toward my intentions in the past. I wish only to assure you that my intentions toward the young woman in your charge are true in the truest sense of the word “true,” which is to say very true indeed. I wish to impress upon you the fact that I am of one solitary mind on this subject, the subject of Daisy, and of furthering my romance with her.

For this reason, I humbly solicit your advice on how to proceed. I remain on this subject your most humble servant and eager awaiter of your kind and generous counsel,

JOSHUA LEE, aka “London.”

Upon completing the reading of this letter, did Mr. Rachtman retire to the servants quarters, where he engaged in a game of whist with the cooks who had helped the gentlemen to prepare their wonderful five-course dinner for Daisy’s benefit and entertainment. Distracted, he missed four tricks in one hand, and it was at that point that he decided that the letter should have been disposed of without being read.

However, having been read, it should now be replied to, if only to test the veracity of the sentiments expressed therein. For Daisy’s sake.


Ever since London left the show, Riki and London have been corresponding behind Daisy's back. The betrayal is breathtaking. Not of Daisy, but of us, the viewers. We should have been told of this before. Jane Austen would not have just "sprung" something like this on us.

Dave, formerly known as 12 Pack, having no inkling of the continuing correspondence between Mr. Rachtman and his nearly-forgotten rival London, felt little worry as he surveyed the remaining gentlemen who were his current rivals for Daisy’s hand. There was no question that, between himself and Flex, and Sinister and Chi Chi, he was the clear frontrunner. For one thing, he had proved himself able to wear a lady’s size zero pair of underpants. For another, he had not quit the show and left the estate.

For his part, Chi Chi had similar sentiments.

As did Flex.

If someone had thought to ask Sinister, he too would likely have agreed, most heartily, that he was the perfect match for Daisy.

Daisy, having grown tired of offering the gentlemen contrived challenges in which they would prove the level of their ardor by having to “fight” or “sing” or “dance” their way into her heart, decided that from this point onward, there would be only romantic engagements. To this end, she first called Flex and Chi Chi for an afternoon of frolic and gamboling in the sandy paradise outside the city.

Upon seeing the awaiting horseless dune buggy, Flex had a premonition of dire consequence. “Thus far on my quest to win Daisy’s heart,” thought he, “I have endured a sprained ankle and wrist, been burned, and punched. What could possibly await me in my dune buggy ride?”

For all his concern, Flex was brave when he and Daisy entered the dune buggy together. His driving was wild and carefree, with an eye more toward the excitement and fun promised, than safety.


It's always nice to see Daisy having fun. She works a lot, and her life is tough.

Daisy could feel herself getting wet. “Flex is crazy,” she thought, as the buggy bounded over the small sand hills. “Adrenaline is the same to me as that moment of climax during the act of intercourse.” It was apparent to her that she was feeling much in the way of adrenaline while Flex handled the wheel.

Chi Chi was the opposite. He was a gentleman given over to a more contemplative spirit, concerned for Daisy’s safety for, how could she have fun if the dune buggy crashed? There was little chance of that happening, the way Chi Chi drove.

“Chi Chi is sweet and attentive,” Daisy thought. “But his driving is not exactly causing a rush of adrenaline.”

One hand on her lap was, for Chi Chi, a move most bold. He smiled at her, as the dune buggy ambled along at a leisurely pace. “I will protect your lap,” he said, with a provocative wink that Daisy could not see, for the goggles he wore over his eyes.

Later, as Daisy drove both Flex and Chi Chi, Flex’s premonition of painful danger seemed to come to fruition, as she, taking a page more from Flex’s book than Chi Chi’s, caused the dune buggy to overturn.

“I must be injured,” Flex thought, laughing.

“This proves Daisy and I belong together,” Chi Chi thought, staring amorously at the back of his beloved’s head. “For she drives too much like my rival Flex. She needs a gentleman of a more contemplative and careful disposition. That is, myself. Someone to help her control those outbursts of enthusiastic passion.”

“I wonder what London would have said about this,” Daisy thought, as she was extricated from the overturned buggy.

Upon their return to the estate, Daisy walked past Mr. Rachtman, whose face was a mask of concern for her emotional well-being, on her way to her room to try on petticoat-less dresses, in anticipation of her evening date with Sinister and Dave.

Flex and Chi Chi went back to their respective sleeping quarters, where Chi Chi was surprised to discover that his dear friend and long time roommate, Sinister, had removed himself from their room. “Oh no!” he exclaimed. “What has occurred in this place?”

Flex, having no idea of what had transpired while he was away, inquired of Dave if he knew what had so befuddled Chi Chi upon his return.

Dave could not help but to smile impishly. “I poured poison into Sinister’s ear,” said he. “I asked him, ‘Have you and Chi Chi never fought over a lady before?’”

“’Never,’ was his reply.

“’This must be a most difficult scenario in which you find yourself now,’ said I.

“’Indeed,’ was his reply.

“’I know not what I would do, in your circumstance,’ said I.

“At this point did Sinister conclude that he must remove himself from the quarters that he had hitherto up until this point shared with his dear friend Chi Chi.”

Flex could no longer contain his laughter.

“Divide and conquer,” Dave said, using trite cliché to express the essence of the strategy he shared with Flex.


When Sinister moved out of the room he shared with Chi Chi, Chi Chi made sure his new room was well-stocked with toilet paper. Maybe Chi Chi was playing a parody of the doormat character?

As Dave and Sinister sat at the table recently set up in the estate’s exterior garden, the two gentlemen drank a toast to one another.

“To you, Dave,” Sinister said.

“I appreciate your calling me by my true name, Sinister. And what is your name, if I may be so bold as to inquire?”

Sinister told Dave his real name. Not being truly interested, Dave did not listen. Instead, he gave his prepared reply,

“I thought your name was Joshua Lee,” “he said, smiling.

“What said you?” Daisy inquired, crossly.

“I apologize, my dear,” Dave said, smiling. “It was not my intention to hurt you, only to belittle Sinister as your ‘London substitute.’”

“He is not my ‘London substitute,’ as you so crassly put it,” Daisy scolded. “Sinister is his own person, and has remained at this estate at my leisure, as he amuses me on his own terms. I assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that he shares much in common with my former suitor, the very much lamented Joshua Lee, AKA London.”

“I wonder if my jest might have backfired,” Dave thought. “Perhaps her thoughts had strayed from London enough due to the length of his absence that my reminder was an unwelcome one, serving only to refresh her memory as to what she is missing.”

“I am here on my own terms,” Sinister said to Daisy’s lips. “I am here because I know what kind of man you want, and I know that I am just such a one as that.”

“That is quite the most assertive I think I have ever seen you,” Daisy replied. “And I this is the most attracted to you I have ever been.” At this point she turned her attention to Dave and asked, “Would you like to go back to my room for a nightcap?”

“Of course I would,” Dave said, placing upon her lips a tender kiss.

“Have fun,” Sinister said, earnestly.

As they left the table, Dave said, “I feel most privileged to be joining you in your private quarters.”

“You should,” Daisy said. “I might have left you at the table to share the company of Sinister.”

Upon reaching the top of the stairs to Daisy’s room, they encountered the awaiting Chi Chi. His look of concern would have been most touching to Daisy, were it not for the fact that her mind was distracted by engagements of an amorous nature, and her worry that Chi Chi’s attention was perhaps too ardent.

“Hello,” Daisy said.

“Are you enjoying your evening?” Chi Chi asked, as he shook the hand of his rival, Dave.

“We are most certainly,” she said.

“Well, I want you to enjoy your night,” Chi Chi said, as the two entered Daisy’s quarters. There he sat, awaiting the time when Daisy would ask Dave to leave. At that point, he would present himself to her, to show her the extent of his admiration which was, to his own mind, quite powerful and amazing.

“If nothing else, this is a most graphic display of the direct proportion of my happiness to my proximity to Daisy,” he said, placing his pillow against the door to her room and laying his head.

However, his intentions, pure as they were, elicited sneers of derision from his rivals.

“That is a most genius move,” Sinister said, mocking his best friend.

“I believe that is something I saw in ‘The Notebook,’” added Flex, in reference to a popular novel and film that displayed an excess of treacly sensibility.

The reproaches of his rivals did not deter him. However, having his head so close to Daisy’s quarters left him with an unusually clear mental image of the goings-on within and, being a gentleman, he removed himself from her proximity.

This was done with no small amount of reluctance. “I need to show her I am not immature,” he thought, carrying his blanket.


Then, Chi Chi camped outside Daisy's door, while she and Dave engaged in romantic frolic. This has got to be an act.

All the while did Mr. Rachtman continue to correspond with the gentleman that Daisy had dubbed London. Finally, at the culmination of this exchange, did Mr. Rachtman send his most insightful and heartfelt missive yet.

DEAR JOSHUA “LONDON” LEE,

Come to the estate. Daisy has continued to display an inscrutable interest in your charms, such as they are.

Yrs very MOST ADMIRABLY,
Mr. Rachtman

It was on this morning that Joshua Lee did make his presence again felt at the estate. Greeting him at the door was Mr. Rachtman, who warmly embraced him like the mentor and advisor he had become.

“Your positive sentiment and agreeable attitude regarding my return to the estate has had a very salubrious effect upon my troubled psyche,” London told him.

“I think you are wrong for Daisy,” Mr. Rachtman replied. “However, she is much distracted by the manner in which you left the estate.”

He led the young gentleman up the stairs to Daisy’s quarters, where the young woman was distracting herself with thoughts of her next personal appearance, at a dancing establishment in a small burg known as Chino. She answered his knock with “Enter, kind sirrah, whomever you are!”

Mr. Rachtman said, “I have someone I’d like you to see. But I am not sure as to how you will feel upon seeing him.”

“You are scaring me,” Daisy replied. “And not in a fun, flip over a dune buggy way.”

Mr. Rachtman pushed the door open, and admitted London to Daisy’s quarters. Daisy, shocked, recoiled in horror as he stepped toward her.

“Hi,” London said.

“Hi,” Daisy said.

The two then spent the next seventeen minutes in mumbling, monosyllabic conversation that was equal parts charming and more charming, before Mr. Rachtman finally took his leave.

“Clearly, you have much to discuss,” he said.

“This is both awkward and weird,” one of them said. They were both a swirl of emotion.


Daisy's reaction to London's return. They must have had monitors in her room, so she could check herself out as she looked "shocked." She doesn't seem to be looking at London in this pic.

“I want to save you,” London said. “I am sorry I made you cry. My leaving was selfish- I believed that everything was fake, and,” he handed Daisy copies of his correspondence with Mr. Rachtman. “These letter explain everything that I was feeling.”

Daisy took the 429 pages and placed them under her pillow. “I shall read them at my leisure,” she said, with a touch of annoyance in her voice. “I am glad you are here, but I am also scared. You have hurt me before, as you know.”

Mr. Rachtman returned. “Would you like to speak to me, Daisy?”

“Oh, yes, I would,” Daisy said, unrehearsed. “Please wait outside my door,” she said to London.

“What should I do?” Daisy inquired of Mr. Rachtman, once London had left.

“You should compare the recently returned London with the gentlemen who did not leave the estate,” Mr. Rachtman replied. “It is my earnest belief that you shall find him wanting.”

Daisy walked into a wall. Rubbing her bruised forehead, she said, “There is much wisdom in your words.” She then added, “Has anyone told the other gentlemen that London has returned?”

“No,” Mr. Rachtman said, solemnly. “I have left that for you.”

“Wonderful,” Daisy said, stumbling into the bathroom. “I need only to apply a dusting of makeup.”

As she placed lipstick on her eyelashes, she observed that since the return of London she had become much distracted.

Daisy and Mr. Rachtman called the gentlemen to the greatroom, where a shadow of fear and trepidation fell over the assembled. This sense of foreboding was only heightened by the stumbling way in which Daisy offered prelude to London’s return:

“Something unexpected, and overwhelming, and confusing has happened. Today I received in my quarters a visitor…”

“I hope it’s not yet another ex girlfriend,” Dave thought, imagining the most nightmarish scenario imaginable.

Most nightmarish, that is, until the gentlemen laid eyes upon the newly returned London.

“And now that he’s here, I shall return to my quarters, for I have much thinking to do,” Daisy said, elegantly returning back to the stairs from whence she came.

Dave, Flex, and Sinister did nothing to hide their displeasure.

“Why not bring all the gentlemen back,” Flex said, angrily.

“London seems like a fine gentleman, but he did pack his bags and leave Daisy,” Dave said.

“He is little more than a local cover band scoundrel,” Sinister said.

Abandoning his earlier, more measured response, Dave added, “I could have used a vacation at my own estate.”

“Daisy deserves someone who is not going to walk out, then return when he starts to miss the free food and servants of the estate,” Sinister said.

“Welcome back,” Flex said, with a tone of icy irony. “Perhaps Fox will return next week.” Finally, unable to trust himself not to challenge London to a duel, he removed himself from the room.

Sinister and Dave followed, leaving in their wake ill will and reproaches.

London took a seat beside Chi Chi, who had remained for the most part quiet during the troubling reunion. “I knew I would be walking back into a firing squad,” he said, wonderingly.

Chi Chi placed a comforting hand upon London’s shoulder. They were both gentlemen, both in search of the best for Daisy, and over this could they bond. This, and London’s shoes. “Let me show you where I put your shoes,” Chi Chi said. “When you left before, you forgot them.”

“You are most gracious,” London said, as they rose from the loveseat.

“I shined them for you,” Chi Chi added. Then, he realized that, with Sinister having left his room, he was now without a roommate. “Perhaps you would find it agreeable to bunk in my room?” he asked.


Chi Chi has London's back. I think this is the first time I've ever seen a reality show contestant play the doormat on purpose. It is kind of funny, I guess.

Having allotted herself a full fifteen minutes to process her reaction to London’s return, Daisy met him in the garden outside the estate. They walked along the lush pathway, pointing out mimosas and carnations; at first addressing their situation only obliquely.

“You see how that mimosa grows in that manner?” she said. “It is a perennial plant, meaning that it dies and then returns the following year.”

London did not correct her. “I see,” he said. She was making a point.

“The plant leaves, and everyone is most heartbroken that it has gone. Then, the following spring, it returns, and the gardeners know not how to react.”

“The gardeners should be pleased by the flowers’ return,” London implored.

“They should not be skeptical?”

“The plant doubtless did not mean to break the gardeners’ heart,” London said.

“But the plant did just that,” Daisy protested.

“I’m sure the plant will not do such a thing again.”

Finally, weary of metaphor, Daisy said, “You had better not,” and placed upon his lips a tender kiss. She then turned and fell into a rose bush. As she extricated herself, she fell into the mulberry patch. Next, she stumbled over the briar. Finally, she fell head first into a cactus.

London admired her graceful gait, as he watched her, slowly make her way away from him.


And the "winner" is-- I mean, Flex really has his work cut out for him now, doesn't he?

That night at the elimination ceremony, Daisy instructed London to stand apart from the remaining gentlemen. He was still not yet a full member of the estate; of this Daisy was seemingly determined. She walked into the ceremony room with confidence borne of being determined that London was still not yet a full member of the estate.

“London is standing apart from the rest of you because he is still not yet a full member of the estate,” Daisy insisted. “I wish to hear your opinions on the subject. Flex, I shall start with you. How feel you about London returning?”

Flex snarled. “I can take him,” he said confidently.

“Chi Chi?”

Chi Chi shrugged. “We need to take care of the ‘London situation’ now, rather than later,” he said.

“Dave?”

“It’s up to you,” Dave said.

“Sinister?”

Sinister’s face displayed the most determination. “I have fought to be here,” he insisted. “If you do not feel I am more devoted to you than London, then I deserve to lose your affections.”

London was allowed to remain.

Chi Chi was sent home.

“You are an amazing friend, and always there for me,” Daisy said. “Unfortunately, those are most undesirable traits in a romantic partner. I hope we can be friends.”

“Of course we can,” Chi Chi said, smiling softly. “It hurts because we could have been so much more than friends, and I would have treated you as a princess. But I am most happy to abide by the felicities of your wonderful, big heart.”

The two shared a tender embrace, and Chi Chi left the estate.


Poor Chi Chi never had a chance.

Last Chi Chi pic source.
Other pics source.