Kim Kardashian decided to get a divorce after a session with "psychic" John Edward

Kim Kardashian, who should know better, sunk to brand new depths when she invited psychic pscumbag John Edward to appear on one of her ten (?) television programs. Apparently, he helped her realize that the phoneybaloney marriage she concocted for publicity purposes was breaking her heart. Apparently, I was irritated enough to draw a cartoon about it.

The great Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close whitewash conspiracy

I have written extensively about the plague of the ampersand. In general, its presence in a title is a big squiggly warning that the work in question is not worth your time.

In the case of the new film Extremely Loud Ampersand Incredibly Close, this is doubly true. This might very well be the worst film ever made. It is a precious, cloying slog through treacle, designed by cynics to appeal to dullards who fancy themselves "intellectual," who filter their emotions through the prism of artifice as opposed to art. It's the type of corporate art that most people pretend to like because they think they should, and then they congratulate themselves for claiming to like it -- because that somehow proves how sensitive they are.

They feel like they've accomplished something, and they get to spend the rest of the day wrapped in a warm coccoon of moral superiority. All they've done is gone along with the lie.

There is more genuine emotion in the "Two Girls, One Cup" video. The original version of "I Spit on Your Grave" has more sensitivity. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is less insulting toward the audience.

How such a film can be made in our post-Todd Solondz film world, is beyond me. He's already parodied this film at least three times, and satirized the pseudo-emotions behind it.

What makes it so uniquely awful is that there are actually some talented people involved. The director, Stephen Daldry, crafted Billy Elliot, a manipulative in the best possible way film that is genuinely moving. I've seen that film twice and I cried both times I saw it. Of course, he also made The Reader, a morally retarded film about a sensitive Nazi pedophile who learns to read. So there you go.

Tom Hanks is a talented actor. Sandra Bullock is a talented actress. Yes, both have found themselves in bad films, but how could both their judgments been so spectacularly bad?

Extremely Loud Ampersand Incredibly Close is that special work that fails as only the most talented people can fail, when they mistake sentimentality for sentiment. Of course, the ampersand in the title is a fair warning. This movie will be quite awful, it says. Aggressively awful, even. And yet, there has been a concerted effort to keep people in the dark about the ampersand warning that appears in the title of the film. Here are some screenshots taken around the web, in which the ugly, irritating sqiggle is replaced by the much more palatable (and, therefore, dishonest) "a-n-d":

The IMDb page misrepresents the title.

So does the metacritic page.

Even wikipedia doesn't get it right.

What's Box Office magazine, an industry trade publication, trying to hide?

San Francisco Chronicle is also apparently trying protect the film.

That last screenshot, taken from yahoo movies, is perhaps the most interesting. It deliberately misstates the title of the film below a poster on which the title is clearly visible. As if that wasn't bad enough, it features a prominent advertisement for the film, which also features the actual ampersanded title. Clearly, they have a vested financial interest in misleading people about the actual title of this film. How much did the studio behind this film, Warner Bros, pay yahoo to look the other way on that ampersand?

This is clearly a conspiracy to whitewash the ampersand right out of that title, to mislead people about just how goshawful this film really is. When will the people wake up?

Credit where it's due: Stunningly, Rotten Tomatoes is calling it by its true, rotten name.

It's not "Liberalism" that's hurting comic book sales -- it's lack of imagination

Over at Bleeding Cool, someone called Darin Wagner thinks he has hit upon the primary reason that comic book sales have been steadily declining. And as it turns out, he has actually hit upon the primary reason that comic book sales have been steadily declining, and he stumbles into it in the second paragraph of his essay:

You pick up a superhero comic book featuring a childhood favorite of yours, hoping to reignite some of that magic you felt way back when and you see that the opening sequence in the comic deals with an oil rig disaster. You immediately and disappointingly know what’s going to be said, either by your childhood favorite or by some other character given credibility within the story. You turn the page, and sure enough, your childhood favorite grumbles about his/her country’s dependency on oil or how inherently dangerous oil drilling is to the environment and how it’s not worth it or simply mutters to him-or-herself briefly about the evils of corporate America. That’s when you put the comic back on the shelf and your local retailer loses a sale. (Sound familiar? Brightest Day #5 contained a similar scenario featuring Aquaman.)

Mr. Wagner claims that it's "Liberalism" that is -- or, per the title of his piece, "may be" -- hurting comic book sales. He claims that it's Aquaman's grumbling about oil drilling and the dangers of said practice that represents the "liberalism" that's turning off readers.

But that isn't it. Re-read Mr. Wagner's description of the opening scene of that particular comic book. This story takes place in a world in which there is a S.T.A.R. Labs. There exist dozens of geniuses in any number of fields. There are dozens of alien devices and elements and magical items to which they have access. Why, in a universe such as this, are they still using oil?

You're telling me that Ray Allen Palmer*, who used "white dwarf star matter" to create a means of shrinking himself to microscopic size couldn't come up with a better, cleaner, more efficient way to power the cars that they drive in the DCU? Doctor Fate can't just magically create a fleet of cars that run on magic stardust, and then create an unlimited supply of magic stardust?

Comic book creators have been resistant to introducing real-world implications into their stories for as long as comics have existed. They could not care less about what would happen to the average person-on-the-street in a world filled with supergeniuses and magical figures. They have ignored the rich storytelling opportunities opened up by exploring what a world of superheroes would really be like. (What would housing look like in a world where you can create structures that are bigger on the inside than outside? What would security be like in a world where people can level entire cities with a thought? Would we all have jet packs? Would we have had them 50 years ago?) What they care about is re-telling the same stories over and over and over and over again, over and over.

But let's say, for the sake of argument, in this DCU in which there are supergeniuses and magicians, they are still drilling for oil in exactly the same manner we do here in the real world (which features a distinct lack of supergeniuses and magicians). The DCU features Atlantis, a continent that fell into the sea following a skull-shaped meteor strike on the earth. Rather than just pick up and move to a continent that hadn't sunk into the sea, the Atlantis scientists instead figured out a way to turn themselves into aquatic mammals that could breathe ocean water, and withstand the intense pressure of the ocean. In this world, the surface dwellers would have to deal with the Atlantisians ("Atlanteans"?) in order to get permission to drill in the oceans in which they live. That opens up an entire new set of potential stories. How do the two groups of people get along? What do the Atlantisians get in return for using their seas in this manner? Could the Atlantisians mine the surface for some power source? Would "radical Atlantisians" throw water bombs at surfacers?

And what would the oil rigs themselves look like? How would Ray Allen Palmer* design one? Would it be made of Nth metal, and therefore indestructible, making oil rig disasters all but impossible?

The creators of mainstream corporate comics today do not care about any of this (and by "creators," I don't just mean the writers and illustrators -- I mean the people who work in licensing, merchandizing, and promotion. they're just as important to the process, if not moreso, as the people doing the actual "creating"). I've said it before, and it's so depressing it bears repeating: Comic books as they exist today are nothing more than advertising pamphlets for movie and television properties. That's all. The people creating them don't care about what's actually going on in them (or if they do, they do a fantastic job of hiding it). They don't care about exploring the implications of the worlds they create. They care about licensing and merchandising.

How little imagination to they exhibit? Here's a page from that same issue referenced by Mr. Wagner in his essay:

Aquaman was dead -- and then came back to life! That's so... typical. But then, on the very next page we get this *cliffhanger* ending:

(Both Brightest Day scans were swiped from the lovely Aquaman Shrine.)

Aquaman has already established -- on the previous page! -- that he's been dead and come back to life, and somehow the fact that someone has been sent to "kill" him is supposed to create breathless tension that will compel us to pick up the next issue.

But it was his wife that was "sent" to "kill" him! Who sent her? Will she actually do it? And if she does do it, how long before he comes back to life yet again? I gotta pick up the next issue!

DC's treatment of Aquaman is so fantastically pathetic, and an object lesson in everything that is wrong with modern comics, that I wrote a long essay about it here. They've made him into a PoMo joke, a commentary on the reaction to the character by people who don't read comics at all, rather than owning him as character with the potential to be the most important and powerful player in the DCU. Over 80% of the world is ocean, and Aquaman rules the ocean, for crying out loud. But what are the creators doing with him?

Heroes will be tweaked and aged down to showcase them not as established titans but as strivers who "have to sweat to fight the bad guys," [Jim] Lee says. For example, Johns' new take on Aquaman -- here THR offers an exclusive sneak peek at pages 5 to 8 of issue No. 1, with art by Ivan Reis and Joe Prado -- retools the underwater-breathing hero so he is no longer the king of Atlantis and now plays off his second-banana status.

"Geoff has dived into the grandeur of the character while addressing that he's been a running joke," Lee says. "It's going to have humor and majesty."

If Aquaman were a real, actual, living being, he would be regarded as one of the most amazing people on the planet. I bet you that he would be one of the most -- if not the most -- popular superheroes, if for no other reason than our ever-present worries about climate change. Aquaman would be a fetish figure all over the world.

DC -- or, rather, the "creators" at DC -- don't care about any of that. They're trying to "optimize brand appeal."

In his introduction to his story collection Strange Wine, Harlan Ellison (a sometime comics writer himself) wrote, regarding the dinosaurs,

"They lived 130,000,000 years and vanished. Why? Because they had no imagination. Unlike human beings who have it and use it and build their future rather than merely passing through their lives as if they were spectators. Spectators watching television, one might say."

That is just about the best explanation of what is happening to the mainstream comic book industry today. A bunch of dinosaurs with no imagination, not trying to build a future at all, but continually re-writing the past, and keeping their eyes on television, movies, and video games, where they hope to license the properties they caretake.

And that is what's hurting comic book sales.

*Corrected Jan 13, 2012 @ 8:332 PM PST. Special thanks to "Bruce" for pointing out my error.

PCMR Hero of the Month for January 2012: Sydney Spies

Sydney Spies is a high school senior from Colorado who is fighting a campaign to express herself through the use of her senior picture. She is being thwarted in this by a group of mewling, timid, bluenosing quislings who "edit" said yearbook.

Durango High School senior who had her yearbook photo yanked has her peers and not the administration to blame, the yearbook’s student editors said Thursday.

“The administration really had nothing to do with it,” said Tevan Trujillo, a student yearbook editor. “It was us.”
...
The editors – Trujillo, Erin Edblom, Paige Shacklett, Alyssa Spencer and Brian Jaramillo – said they unanimously came to the decision not to run her submitted photo as a senior portrait.

Oh, aren't they just so thoughtful and grown up. Making such an important decision all on their own.

Those editors -- Tevan Trujillo, Erin Edblom, Paige Shacklett, Alyssa Spencer and Brian Jaramillo -- deserve to have scorn and shame heaped upon them. They are ridiculous parodies of our modern, reactionary environment that punishes uniqueness and any self-expression that doesn't fit comfortably into accepted norms. Ms. Spies's photo makes them uncomfortable, and that's enough for them. The Durango High School yearbook apparently doesn't belong to the students -- it belongs to the five delicate little jackasses who currently edit it. Their sensibilities must not be offended.

Or, maybe they're just trying to extort money from someone they don't like. See, it turns out that those brave, important-decision making editors aren't opposed to the photo appearing in their yearbook. They just want Ms. Spies to pay for it:

They said the picture could still run in a section reserved for paid senior advertisements. Those ads usually feature “shout-outs” from friends and family and are located at the back of the yearbook.

So, far from being rock-ribbed fighters for decency and rightness, these little cretins -- Tevan Trujillo, Erin Edblom, Paige Shacklett, Alyssa Spencer and Brian Jaramillo -- are nothing more than cheap thugs blackmailing a fellow student by holding her yearbook picture hostage.

By the way -- here is the photo that has these little darlings of moral rectitude so scandalized:

Really. That is the picture that is at the heart of the first great First Amendment fight of 2012.

How much of a prude do you have to be to find that picture too scandalous for a yearbook? Actually, as I've already said, they don't -- they're just trying to get money out of her. But the little sleazes are trying to take the moral high ground by saying things like,

“We are an award-winning yearbook. We don’t want to diminish the quality with something that can be seen as unprofessional.”

That charming bit of self-aggrandizing nonsense was spouted by Brian Jaramillo, who puts his own "wants" above his fellow students'. He's not worried about protecting the other students, or even the school. He wants to protect his yearbook, and is attempting to block something that might take away from his reputation. After all, they might not get a mention at the Durango Colorado Knights of Columbus paper plate award ceremony.

What's really irritating is that this stupid story is just how stupid it is. These editors -- Tevan Trujillo, Erin Edblom, Paige Shacklett, Alyssa Spencer and Brian Jaramillo -- look like moral cretins for attempting this extortion. They are bullies attempting to impose their ideals on fellow students, who aren't people to them, but merely the contents of their "award winning yearbook."

And because they're in charge, they have the power.

The silver lining is that their asinine stunt is backfiring beautifully. Ms. Spies is now famous, at least for awhile. She'll have some doors opened for her because of this (she's already made it to the Today Show!). While Tevan Trujillo, Erin Edblom, Paige Shacklett, Alyssa Spencer and Brian Jaramillo will always be nothing more than the petty little sleazes who feigned moral outrage while trying to extort $300(!) from another student who submitted for publication a photo that could be of any given Disney channel star.

And the editors will have to live with the knowledge that no one who picks up a copy of this thing will be the least bit interested in all the amazing! award winning! work they put into it. Everyone's going to be turning back to Ms. Spies's "senior ad," to see what all the fuss was about. And laughing at them over it.

The best movie of 2011: "Attack the Block"

Over at the Thrill Fiction blog, A.Jaye already wrote a very good article about why this movie works so well. Here is a small sample:

In August a police death squad shot and killed Mark Douglas¹². Two days later rioting began and spread throughout England. The media response was more savage than the prior student protests¹³.

12 Since 1969 British police have killed an average one black person every 15 days. No police officer has been charged in over 1000 deaths.

The media have hijacked the riots as a ‘looter’s day out’. They have ignored the evidence of police terrorism and pointed the finger at young as opportunistic criminals. The British public who can’t think for themselves agree.

You should read all of A.Jaye's essay. He's over in England, which is where the film is set, and so has more expertise than I on what is happening in that country. But one of the things that makes "Attack the Block" not just a fun, entertaining science fiction action film is the fact that it uses the tropes of the SF and action film genres to make an important, almost painful statement about the world in which the viewers now live. It's universal. The issues raised in the film are just as relevant and terrifying here in America as they are in England.

The premise is simple: A group of teenagers defend their neighborhood from an alien invasion. But the writer and director Joe Cornish uses this premise to make a powerful statement about the relationship between the police, and the public they're supposed to "serve and protect." About an hour into the film, after the protagonists have been chased by the aliens, who have committed acts of gruesome violence and destruction, the nurse character Sam implores the others to call the police. Moses, the leader of the teens, explains that going to the police for help is not an option for them. He says,

"Know what I reckon? I reckon the feds sent them anyway. Government probably bred those creatures to kill black boys. First they sent drugs to the Ends, then they sent guns. Now they sent monsters to get us. We ain't killing each other fast enough. So they decided to speed up the process."

A little later in the film, some figures are seen emerging from clouds of smoke. The stoner, Brewis, asks, "Is that more of the monsters?" To which Pest replies, "Sort of."

We then see the figures emerging from the smoke are police.

In America, we have been subjected to a War on Drugs which has escalated to the point that there are now more than 150 paramilitary style SWAT team attacks on peoples' homes every day. Millions of Americans have been subjected to illegal "stop and frisk" searches on city streets. A man can be arrested for "evading arrest" after being mistaken for a burglar in his own home. Even if the police have unlawfully detained you, according to the courts you are still required to submit to them. Knowing your rights is regarded as "suspicious behavior" to the police. Instances of police brutality often go unpunished.

These aren't soldiers -- they're police in Texas, posing with assault weapons and a drone.

And now some police forces are using drones -- those same unmanned devices our military is using to kill and maim people in the Middle East -- to keep tabs on the citizens they're allegedly protecting. Of course, the president just signed a bill which declares the entirety of the United States to be a war zone.

Meanwhile, several prosecutors have been caught withholding evidence in criminal cases.

Occasionally there is some pushback to all of this. Like, for instance, the "Stop Snitchin'" campaign. Basically, the idea is to not cooperate with a police force that has come to regard its employers -- the citizens -- as hostile enemies. As we've seen through the years, the police have become less a "peacekeeping" force, and more a "military" force. Yet, here is how CBS news characterized the movement to "stop snitchin'":

In most communities, a person who sees a murder and helps the police put the killer behind bars is called a witness. But in many inner-city neighborhoods in this country that person is called a "snitch."

"Stop snitchin'" is a catchy hip-hop slogan that embodies and encourages this attitude. You can find it on everything from rap music videos to clothing. "Stop snitchin'" once meant "don't tell on others if you're caught committing a crime."

But as CNN's Anderson Cooper reports for 60 Minutes, it has come to mean something much more dangerous: "don't cooperate with the police – no matter who you are."

As a result, police say, witnesses are not coming forward. Murders are going unsolved.

Anderson Cooper, the affluent, famous CNN anchor and daytime talk show host, is consistently shocked that people would have such an attitude. That is because his interactions with the police have been few and pleasant. Has he ever been stopped and frisked? Has his home ever been broken into by a SWAT team carrying assault rifles to serve a warrant to search for marijuana?

There is no attempt made to understand why it is that the "stop snitchin'" campaign might resonate with some people. But if every day of your life you are regarded as an enemy by the police, if you're constantly being stopped and frisked, if you're expected to submit to them regardless of the legality of their request, and you have no power at all to stop any of their potential abuses of power, then why would you trust them to help you under any circumstances?

Even, in the case of "Attack the Block," an alien invasion.

This hostility has led to suspicion all around. It's why the ideas that the CIA engineered AIDS, or that it introduced crack into low income neighborhoods to keep the residents there addicted and helpless have been able to gain so much traction. Again: If your everyday interactions with the government -- which is supposed to work for you (of the people, by the people, for the people) -- are marked by open hostility, why, then, would you trust that government to do anything in your best interest?

"Attack the Block" is a serious film about the consequences of more than 30 years of escalating tension between the police and the citizens they are supposed to be protecting. It uses the old science fiction alien invasion trope as a metaphor for the deterioration of relations between citizens and the government. In a life-threatening crisis, the people would rather try to fend for themselves than add to their troubles by going to the police for help. "Attack the Block" is entertaining, funny, exciting, and a bleak reflection of the world in which we now live. It asks us to examine the impact of the actions that the government is taking in the name of "protecting" us. Some of us, anyway. And to understand why it is that some of us feel so alienated from the government that we feel we can't go to them for help under any circumstances.

UPDATE @ 7:25 PST: Here is a graphic representation of the cavalier attitude that too many people in law enforcement have toward the use of deadly violence against the people they're sworn to protect:

Via Radley Balko's Agitator website, where he notes,

The glib sloganeering about how they apply violence is bad enough. But note that they chose the word use, instead of sell or deal.

Soldier police with drone picture source.

Explaining the enduring popularity of those "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" books and movies

Although it is impossible to ruin that which is already AWESOME, this post does contain information about the plots to the three Swedish "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" films. So if you don't want to know what happens in those films, don't read this.

This past weekend at the American box office, the number one and number two films each featured stars of the famous Swedish "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" films in major roles. And one of the top five films was the American version of the adaptation of the first book in the "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series of novels, which were written by a Swedish author called Steig Larsson. These novels are a worldwide sensation. Their movies and the stars of those movies are literally taking over the box office. So for those reasons I thought I would examine the phenomenon of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," just like it's already been examined about a million times already.

First of all, I should admit that I have not read any of the books. I tried to read one of them, but I got bored and distracted so I stopped. I then watched all of the first, most of the second, and some of the third of the Swedish film adaptations of the novels. They were tawdry and ludicrous, which are the two things that will always make your work popular if you're thinking of trying to make it as an international bestseller author writer. Anyway, now that I know all about them, here is my examination of them.

FIRST OF ALL, WHO IS "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO"?

"The girl with the dragon tattoo" is one of the main characters in the three books about "the girl with the dragon tattoo." Her name is Lisbeth Salander, and she is in her late teens or early twenties, or maybe her thirties or forties, I couldn't always tell. She is a rebellious punk hacker who plays by her own rules, which is why she is a ward of the state, and keeps getting stuck with these foster fathers who keep raping her. In Sweden, if you get sentenced to spend time in psychiatric wards, they let you out and you have to live with a rapist until you're 30 or 40 or something. The reason why Lisbeth got sentenced to live with rapists is because she threw gasoline (or, "petrol," as they call it in Sweden) on her abusive father, and then lit the petrol on fire and burned him up. You don't learn this until the second movie, I think. Anyway, her father it turns out was a big shot from Russia or something, and he defected to Sweden and started doing a bunch of bad stuff, like human trafficking or something, but a secret organization inside the Swedish government was protecting him because he brought a bunch of stuff from Russia, or something, which is why whenever he beat on Lisbeth's mother they never did anything to him. It's sort of like that group of people in the US government who assassinated Osama bin Laden, except instead of being grateful to them for helping keep the citizens of Sweden safe, we're supposed to think of them as villains just because they put Lisbeth in a mental hospital when she was a little kid. But if they were so bad, why did they let her out and put her with all those rapists? Also, Lisbeth sometimes sleeps with women.

WHAT IS "THE DRAGON TATTOO"? WHAT IS IT'S SIGNIFICANCE?

The dragon tattoo is a big tattoo of a dragon on Lisbeth's back. It is supposed to symbolize that she is a rebellious punk hacker who plays by her own rules. Also, she sometimes sleeps with women.

WHO IS THE OLD GUY THAT LISBETH HANGS OUT WITH?

There is an old journalist called Michael Blomkvist, or something like, who is so European that he sits down to pee at a urinal. He smokes cigarettes and drives from one action scene to another in a hybrid, or on a vespa. At the end of the first movie, he doesn't want to kill the Nazi guy who has been raping and murdering young women for about twenty years, because that would make too much sense, which is why Lisbeth has to do it. He is such a careful journalist that when he studies important documents, such as Lisbeth's government file that proves that she was unfairly sent to the mental hospital and to live with rapists by the secret cabal within the government, and that her father is this big Russian guy or something, he just leaves them lying around his apartment so that when someone breaks in to steal the documents, they're laying right there on his desk, out in the open. At the start of the first movie he's been set up by this big businessman, and he publishes a story in his magazine, Millennium, that turns out to be based on information that is no longer available, or something. He goes to prison for libel, or whatever it is they have in Sweden. But he's still a virtuous, strong, virile Swedish journalist, which is why Lisbeth can't help herself, even though she's about twenty years younger than him, she still climbs on top of him for some rub-and-bump (that's what it's called in Sweden) when they're out at that farm investigating the Nazi family that rapes and kills young women. I don't know what is the Swedish equivalent of a "Mary Sue," but that is what Blomkvist is: Lisbeth gets raped a couple of times, has sex with Blomkvist, and has sex with a couple of women. In the movies, at least, her encounter with Blomkvist is her only consensual heterosexual encounter. Unless I  missed something

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO" BOOKS?

I don't know for sure. I haven't read them.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO" MOVIES?

That I do know, kind of. Lisbeth's first foster father has a heart attack or something, so she gets a new foster father who rapes her. Lisbeth makes a video of one of the rapes, and then ties the guy up and tattoos something like "I am a rapist pig" on his stomach, and then uses the video to blackmail him into giving her the money that she makes in her job as a hacker or something. Some people hired the company where she works (actually I don't think she works there very much, because I can't remember seeing her work there ever again after the start of the first movie) to investigate Michael Blomkvist, so she hacks into his computer all the time and looks at the stuff on his hard drive. He gets sent to prison on trumped up charges, and when he gets out this wealthy man from a family of Nazis who own a big corporation hires him to investigate the disappearance of his sister or cousin or something, about forty years before. It turns out that this guy's brother or cousin or something was raping his cousin or sister or whatever, and the cousin or sister changed places with the other cousin or something, and then ran away and didn't tell the police or anyone that her cousin or brother was raping and killing young women for forty years. She got away and moved to Australia and worked for a charity or something. Anyway, Lisbeth steals a bunch of money from somebody and goes to the Caribbean, then for some reason she comes back and a bunch of people start dying, and it turns out they're being killed by her half brother, who is this big giant blond guy who can't feel pain because he doesn't have nerves, or something. One of the people who gets killed is the guy who raped Lisbeth on video. She ends up fighting her father and half brother at a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and they kill her and bury her body in the back yard. Only she isn't dead; she digs her way out of the hole and then attacks them. Her father gets an ax in the head and her half brother runs away. Finally, after he's had a good nap and stopped for a few smoke breaks, Michael Blomkvist shows up after everything is already over, and Lisbeth's been shot a bunch of times and smacked around. She goes to the hospital and then the guy who kept her in the mental hospital when she was a child shows up and wants to take her back and put her back in the mental hospital. But he can't be too bad or too smart because why did they let her out in the first place, and why didn't they just kill her long before, if they were so evil and smart and wanted to ensure all these secrets didn't get out? Then this other secret government organization contacts Michael Blomkvist, and they enlist him to help them find out about this other secret government organization, the one that was protecting Lisbeth's father. Lisbeth's father, by the way, gets shot by one of the secret government guys, because they're tired of protecting him, so this guy, after all these years of trying to keep everything so secret and quiet, goes to the hospital with a gun and shoots the guy, then tries to shoot Lisbeth because that won't draw any attention, and then when he can't get to Lisbeth, he shoots himself in the head in the hospital hallway. This is apparently par for the course in Sweden, because hardly anyone bats an eye over this and I don't think it was ever mentioned again. Anyway, Lisbeth ends up being put on trial for I think killing the foster father who raped her, although I can't remember, so they play the video that she made of herself getting raped by the guy and then the guy who runs the mental institution turned out to have written his "I think we should commit Lisbeth to my hospital for life" report BEFORE he'd even officially spoken to her, because he kept that in a word document or something on his hard drive and it had a date stamp. Oh, and he also had a bunch of child pornography on his hard drive. So Lisbeth gets out of prison and she doesn't have to have any more foster fathers.

THERE SURE IS A LOT RAPING GOING ON IN THESE BOOKS, ISN'T THERE?

Like I said, I don't know about the books. But in the movies, yes.

SO, WHY ARE THESE BOOKS SO POPULAR?

Your previous question answers this one, don't you think? From cave drawings to the book of Judges to Moll Flanders to Maggie: A Girl of the Streets to random episodes of CSI to The Time Traveler's Wife to Precious to Winter's Bone, people love to see women get punished for, oh, you know, whatever.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT STEIG LARSSON TAPPED INTO SOME KIND OF PRIMAL INSTINCT THAT HAS EXISTED IN HUMAN BEINGS SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME?

Yep. He was kind of a genius. Also, I'm not sure if I remembered to mention this or not, but, Lisbeth sometimes sleeps with women.

SO, WHAT OTHER INSIGHTS DO YOU HAVE INTO THE "THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO" PHENOMENON?

I think I'm done. I have done a brilliant job of examining this worldwide cultural phenomenon, for which you are quite grateful.

She's so fierce.

Briefly Noted with Poodle Bitch: Should Poodle Bitch start listening to P!nk?; the power of Craigslist; Newt Gingrich's magnanimity; infernal cats

Poodle Bitch was deeply touched to read of the generosity displayed by the musical performer P!nk, who paid $5,000 to provide surgery and other medical care to a shockingly mistreated canine.

Sources tell TMZ ... P!nk was surfing the Internet recently, when she stumbled upon a story about a puppy that had been thrown off an L.A. overpass ... and suffered 3 broken legs when it landed in the L.A. river.

We're told the dog was in bad shape ... and required major surgery FAST ... or else.

That's when P!nk sprung into action -- contacting the Ace of Hearts animal rescue organization and offering to pay for any medical expense it took to save the dog's life.

In fact, Poodle Bitch was made dizzy by the whiplash between bizarre, unwarranted cruelty and kindness and decency contained within those few hundred words on TMZ's site. Perhaps it was this dizziness that explains her stumbling upon the following music video by Ms. P!nk:

"So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways."

Poodle Bitch at first thought that this was a song about "just being yourself, no matter what," the type of lesson that used to come from Afterschool Specials so many human years ago. But, a careful examination of the lyrics reveals that in fact this is a paean to P!nk herself, in the guise of a fan recruitment anthem. As long as you are "wrong," in a manner deemed acceptable to P!nk, you may join her. Those of you who are not "wrong" in the "right ways," which is to say, "correct," well, then, P!nk is passing judgment against you.

She, P!nk, makes the judgment for or against you. And if you make the cut, then you are one of her underdogs. And as for those underdogs, they,

will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks

Which obviously leaves out Poodle Bitch. She thinks it is fair to say that she will never be a nitty gritty, dirty little freak. She has, however, been known to get a bit "loud," especially when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund goes strutting down the sidewalk past her home. Poodle Bitch wonders if that would be enough to pass muster with P!nk. She rather hopes not; while she willingly raises a glass in honor of the musical performer's generosity toward a dog in need, she fears she has already heard more than enough of her music.

Poodle Bitch is happy to note that it isn't just composers of self aggrandizing dance music who are capable to showing compassion to canines. A human school teacher in San Antonio, Texas was able to buy a few more days of life for a blind dog named Stevie Oedipus Wonder -- and in that time, his human companion was found:

On Dec. 11, Stevie showed up at Animal Care Services. A collar and tag kept him alive for five days, Jeanne Saadi, the agency's live release coordinator, said. But with outdated information, the agency failed to find his owners and prepared to euthanize him.

That's when Brooke Orr, a high school teacher, saw the agency's ad seeking a home for the blind dog. She agreed to care for Stevie over the holidays, buying him a few more days.
...
"I thought that he must belong to someone. So I went to Craigslist and went to lost and found and I put in 'blind dog,' and there he was," she said.

Poodle Bitch will admit to some confusion after reading the entire story. Firstly, who would mistreat any animal, most especially a dog born without eyes? Poodle Bitch can't imagine what it must be like to be unable to watch certain reality television programs, view great works of art, and to have to rely solely on her sense of hearing and smell to know when a certain Deutscher Schäferhund happens to be walking past. And, of course, she loves to see the faces of her human companions. Such animals should be treated with extra care.

Secondly, why did Ms. Gutierrez's landlord tell her that Mr. Oedipus Wonder was deceased?

Thirdly, why wasn't the information on Mr. Oedipus Wonder's tag correct?



Regardless, Poodle Bitch is gratified that Mr. Oedipus Wonder has been reunited with a family that loves him. And, if she could, Poodle Bitch would sit through at least one of Ms. Orr's classes -- she apparently teaches English as a second language; English is in fact Poodle Bitch's second language.

Poodle Bitch does not follow human politics, for what she believes are reasons so obvious that she will not elucidate them here. Yet it happened that she came across an item about one particular candidate for human president of the United States, a man with the rather bestial-sounding name "Newt." Apparently, this human claims to have softhearted feelings toward animals.

The campaign said today that it will soon launch a “Pets With Newt” site aimed at Gingrich’s love for animals, intended to show a “lighter side” of the candidate. “As speaker I made it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets in 1988. I love pets so we’re going to have an entire project,” Gingrich said.

Gingrich doesn’t have any pets at this time, but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House, and it’s a friendly disagreement between the couple over what kind and size of dog. Callista wants a small dog and Newt wants a large dog, though he says dogs like a Great Dane are a little too large.

Poodle Bitch appreciates the obvious magnanimity that Mr. Gingrich displayed in making it possible for people in public housing to keep their pets. Obviously, such power should be wielded only by the most benignant. Perhaps that is why so many "pets" seem to be "with Newt," at least if the website is to believed. Poodle Bitch wonders if any of those animals knew that, when their companions were taking their photos, they'd end up as campaign propaganda for this human:



Poodle Bitch was reminded of the canine companion-related antics of another presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Apparently, Mr. Romney once put an animal crate on top of his car and drove some great distance. Poodle Bitch is unclear about the details, but at least one New York Times columnist has the story down, and mentions it at every opportunity:

Gail Collins loves telling the story of how Mitt Romney drove his family to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car -- and telling it, and telling it, and telling it.

The liberal New York Times columnist has mentioned the incident in print 19 times, by our count. She devoted a column to the incident in 2007 when Romney first ran for president. In another column, she suggested John McCain pick Romney for his running mate "so I can repeatedly revisit the time Mitt drove to Canada with the family dog on the station-wagon roof." And when Sarah Palin was picked instead, and Collins opined that "unlike Mitt Romney, she has never gone on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car."

Poodle Bitch has met plenty of dogs with a "sense of adventure" who might enjoy riding along on the roof of a car. That in itself does not particularly shock or disturb Poodle Bitch-- most especially considering that the alternative to the roof ride is to spend time in a motor vehicle with a politician. However, Poodle Bitch notes that dogs have nonverbal ways of communicating their distress with a situation. Apparently, Mr. Romney's dog did so:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

Poodle Bitch notes that, at best, Seamus required more bathroom breaks than he was being allowed. At worst, he was so nervous about his traveling situation that he could not control his bowels. But at least Mr. Romney got a chance to show his "emotion-free crisis management;" while the animal actually experiencing the crisis got to... ride on the roof the rest of the way to Canada. And then, presumably, back to Boston.

And what does Mr. Romney have to say about this?



"Shrug."

And now Poodle Bitch will go back to ignoring politics. However, she finds it impossible to ignore cats. She has often wondered at the humans who willingly keep these passive aggressive manipulators in their homes, and now she has even more evidence that the creatures are not entirely to be trusted.

Tempted by the playful antics of that adorable kitten in the pet shop? If you've never had a cat before you may want to think again, especially if you have other allergies, researchers warn.

And if you do acquire a feline, keep it out of your bedroom.

While having a cat as a child may protect against future allergies, getting one in adulthood nearly doubles the chances of developing an immune reaction to it -- the first step towards wheezing, sneezing and itchy eyes, a European study found.

The same study, which covered thousands of adults and was published in The Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, found that people with other allergies were at extra high risk of reacting to a new feline in the house.

Poodle Bitch notes that adult humans who are considering getting a cat should instead consider the delightful poodle. She is willing to concede, however, that the reader might consider her to be biased. So instead she will quote from a Mr. Malcolm Dupris at barkbytes.com, who states:

One advantage of the Poodle's coat is it is so dense that hair and dander do not easily fall off of the dog, therefore people with allergies are not as afflicted around Poodles as they would be around some other breeds.

But Poodle Bitch would be doing a disservice to the reader if she did not offer more from Mr. Dupris:

All Poodles are quick learners, are energetic, can be comical, and are natural born performers. Their intelligence is quite remarkable, some owners swear their Poodles are capable of reasoning, and they are very attuned to mood in their environment. The Poodle is also very versatile. This breed of dog has been used for hunting, retrieving, they have performed in circus' and as a war dog.

Poodle Bitch wonders why all humans don't have at least one poodle companion, given their remarkable intelligence. She also believes that "War Dog" is a fine title for a Steven Spielberg film. Or, perhaps, "War Bitch."

Stevie Oedipus Wonder picture source.

Poodle Bitch presents her new Christmas poem: The Merry Caniche de Noël

The Merry Caniche de Noël

She travels for peace and goodwill's sake,
Leaving chicken breast and tomato slices in her wake.
All good boys and girls know so well
That beloved and sweet Caniche de Noël.

One Christmas Eve night I filled up with eggnog,
And attained a warm glowing feeling, my senses agog.
I stumbled out of the pub and into the snow,
With no care for direction, for I'd nowhere to go.
There met my vision so hazy and blurry,
That Merry Caniche de Noël, in her red-fringed surry.

Said I, "What brings you to this questionable boulevard,
Where shamble human detritus who find living so hard?"
At least, I believe that is what I mumbled,
For years of hard drinking had left my head jumbled,
And cold winter wind was biting through my clothes,
So I might have said nothing, for all anyone knows.

Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël understood what I meant,
For she laughed at the earnestness behind my lament.
Then she licked at herself, and shamelessly so,
As my fingers fumbled with a bottle of two week-old bordeaux.
Offended, I shouted, "How dare you come here,
Especially now -- at this awful time of year!"

After one more long draught, my tirade resumed:
"My silly species is wrecked! We're all doomed!
Yet for one too-long night we're forced to pretend
That this one's an ally-- that that one's a friend!
And all the while he keeps hidden from view
The stiletto with which he seeks to skewer you!"

I know not from whence sprang such corny indignation;
When I'm in my cups I am prone to high sensation.
Another human might have seen it as skylarking,
Yet the Merry Caniche de Noël responded by barking.
Although her manner seemed disconcertingly aloof,
Each word that she spoke was a gentle "Woof, woof."

"Every snowflake that falls is a reflection in the air,
Of the human compassion present everywhere.
It's simply so common that most choose not to see
All of the good contained within humanity.
It is possible that you've all been led astray
By the monster you've created in this holiday

"For only a species so simple and abstruse
Would use a yearly celebration as an excuse
To create yet another commercial event
That contradicts its own original intent.
Within you all, even you who stand before me,
Resides great promise and generosity!

"So listen hard," (she concluded), "to my gentle doggerel,
And heed now the message of the Caniche de Noël."
With that, the sweet poodle was off and away,
And I heard another voice from somewhere else say,
"My friend, you've clearly had one to many,
A public street's no place for a drunk to spend a penny."

The policeman was quite rough as he took me to jail,
But I just had to laugh, despite my travail,
For the words of the Caniche still rang in my ears,
And in my fraying old pockets found I two souvenirs:
Fresh tomato slices and pieces of chicken breast
Which I ate on that night I spent as the city's guest.

The politics of Bane's unintelligible dialogue in the upcoming Batman film

A new trailer for the upcoming Christopher Nolan-directed Batman film, "The Dark Knight Rises," has just been released to much fanfare and excitement. You thought that was just anticipation over the "holiday season," that you were feeling, but no-- it was the trailer hitting the web on Monday:



That's a bunch of stuff happening in there. Including, apparently, some political stuff. According to a headline in the Los Angeles Times, the film "dons an Occupy costume." You might not have realized this, but a film can wear a costume. An "Occupy costume," which is a reference to Occupy Wall Street. I admit I was unaware that there was an "Occupy costume." Were those people doing the occupying wearing costumes? Anyway, from the Times:

Over a haunting rendition of a child singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" (lest there be any doubt about his national themes), Nolan offers us a peek at his haves-and-have-nots preoccupation when he has Anne Hathaway’s Selina Kyle whisper in the ear of Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne a message from the 99%.

“You think this can last?" she says. "There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. And you and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you’re all going to wonder how you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

The Times (which is preparing to hide its material behind a paywall) has apparently been able to discern that Christopher Nolan has a "haves-and-have-nots preoccupation," based on this two minute trailer, and the Selina Kyle character is Mr. Nolan's Mary Sue.

And the "Star Spangled Banner," that irritating ode to war -- its use in the trailer is an alert that Mr. Nolan is making a grand political statement about the state of our nation. Then again, because the "Star Spangled Banner" is an irritating ode to war, he might be using it to set up some kind of violent action scene. Without having seen the actual film itself, I can't say. I don't have the same insight into Mr. Nolan's mind that the Times seems to have.

The Wrap has a bit of a roundup of more trailer reactions:

In particular, Catwoman’s (Anne Hathaway) warning to Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale)... struck some as evidence of distinct Occupy undertones.

“Even if Nolan decided against filming at Zuccotti Park, it seems he may in fact depict Batman as the 1 percent,” Slate's David Haglund wrote.

Asked Entertainment Weekly's Jeff Jensen : "Team Nolan has made it clear that 'The Dark Knight Rises' won't be going gently into the good night of franchise retirement-rebootment. But are you intrigued or alienated by the prospect of a potentially politically charged superhero epic, one that arrives July 20 -- about a month ahead of the Republican and Democratic national conventions?"

Mr. Nolan's previous Batman film, "The Dark Knight," was seen by some commentators as a "War on Terror" allegory:

In 2008, Nolan’s blockbuster and unqualified masterpiece, ”The Dark Knight,” was openly embraced by conservatives who saw the film as a thinly veiled, intelligent, and very welcome allegory sympathetic towards America’s and George W. Bush’s role in the War on Terror.

This of course was not how I saw it. In fact, I saw it as exactly the opposite-- a repudiation of Mr. Bush's -- and the US government's -- role in the "War on Terror."

Toward the end of “The Dark Knight,” it’s revealed that Batman/Bruce Wayne has been working on a secret project that basically turns everyone’s cell phone into sonar images. He can spy on everyone in Gotham City. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but it’s both ultra cool and scary as hell. Batman realizes that one person shouldn’t have this power- he rationalizes using it because he needs to track the Joker, who is undeniably worse than Batman.

This same Batman who, in “Batman Begins,” brought down the entire League of Shadows to save the life of one murderer doesn’t trust himself to only use the spying device once. That’s why he gives Lucius Fox, the head of Wayne Enterprises’ Applied Science Division, the power to destroy it at any time. And he does just that, once Batman has found Joker.

There are a few decent people in the government, but even those decent people can be corrupted, as happened to poor Harvey Dent. A recurring theme throughout the film is that Commissioner Gordon doesn’t know who on the police force he can trust.

Unlike Lucius Fox, the former Constitutional law lecturer, Nobel peace prize winner, and current president of the United States Barack Obama has not destroyed the machinery that Mr. Bush erected in his "War on Terror." In fact, he has done just the opposite, starting more wars, killing thousands of people in Pakistan, and claiming new (super) powers for himself -- including the power to assassinate American citizens without trial.

The repudiation of the government's assumed powers in its "War on Terror" was magnified by the scene in which the convicts throw away the detonator that would have allowed them to blow up the other ferry, therefore saving their own lives (sorry -- um, spoiler alert!). The citizens have the power to handle the situation on their own, making a deeply moral and righteous decision, even if it means risking death. This optimism about humanity is clearly not shared by the political class -- those who make the laws under which they prosecute their "War on Terror." That's why the government considers anyone who travels to be a suspicious character who must be frisked and/or x-rayed before getting on an airplane. Not even gun-shaped purse designs are safe from their purview.

So, it is my contention that "The Dark Knight" was expressing a sentiment that was in fact totally opposed to the official government "War on Terror" line. Obviously, some people didn't see it that way. But art is open to interpretation, so I'm not going to say that my interpretation is the only one, or even the best one, even though clearly my interpretation is both the only and the best one. And I'm certainly not going to speculate about the politics of an upcoming work of art based on a two minute advertisement.

Besides, the whole "Occupy costume" thing isn't even the biggest controversy awaiting this film. The movie might actually have a bit of a Bane problem.

...Warner Bros. is running into an unexpected problem, one which is causing some handwringing among executives and others who are working on the movie.

Some audience members are grumbling that they can’t understand what Bane, the main villain in the final installment of the Christopher Nolan-helmed trilogy, is saying. Bane is a bad guy whose super-strength comes from a drug that he continuously inhales. In the prologue, the character, played by British actor Tom Hardy, is seen with a mask that covers his nose and mouth; his speech is garbled and muffled.
...
Sources close to the movie say Warner Bros. is very aware of the sound issue. One source working on the film says he is “scared to death” about “the Bane problem.”

I for one think that a villain who is slightly unintelligible is even more menacing than one whose thoughts and plans are articulated with crystal clarity. How many times have you found yourself in a situation in which you're speaking to someone you can't completely hear or understand, and you've wanted to ask them to repeat themselves, but you've been afraid to because you felt awkward, or you didn't want to offend the other person?

Now imagine the person you can't quite understand has super strength and could break your back if he wanted to. You wanna ask him to repeat himself? Or are you just gonna nod your head to whatever it was he just said, and hope that he didn't say something like, "Do you mind if I break your back now? Just nod your head if you don't mind."

That is genuinely scary.

Or, perhaps Mr. Nolan is making a political statement with Bane's alleged unintelligibility? Something about misunderstanding the root causes of the rise of the Occupy Wall Street movement? Or something?

I won't speculate until I actually see the movie. I'm not the LA Times.

New Stumpy Claus film "Play With Me!" available online. The greatest Christmas film of all time? Or the greatest holiday film of all time? It's both!

I have finished a new animated short, just in time for the holiday season. "Play With Me!" features the mysterious and heroic Stumpy Claus in a tale of child selling, cruelty, fear, and healing regression. It also has two songs I wrote. It is the perfect salve for what ails you during this troubling time of year.

Stumpy Claus in Play with Me from Ricky Sprague on Vimeo.

The best Christmas movies ever? You're kidding, right?

Someone at Forbes called Mark Hughes (who writes "about films, especially superhero films, & Hollywood") has produced a list of the "Top Ten Best Christmas Movies of All Time," which based on that tautological headline might be hyperbolic, or possibly tongue in cheek; or maybe the author had nothing to do with the headline and the person who wrote the headline became enthusiastic and wanted to try and ensure that the readers understood that these were in fact the top ten best Christmas movies, and not merely the top ten Christmas movies, or the ten best Christmas movies.

Regular readers of this blog know how I feel about "top best" lists. If you're interested, you can read my post on the top best comic book-based movies here. I have neither the time nor inclination to do the same thing for Christmas movies, so instead I'll repost Mr. Hughes's list:

(10) A Christmas Carol (1951 version)
(9) Miracle on 34th Street (1947 version)
(8) Gremlins
(7) Elf
(6) The Bishop's Wife (1947 version)
(5) A Christmas Story
(4) 1941
(3) The Nightmare Before Christmas
(2) Brazil
(1) Die Hard

It's hard to argue with a list that calls itself the "top ten best," so I won't really, except to note that A Christmas Carol is a terrible story that has been made into several terrible films, I didn't once even crack a smile when I sat through Elf, The Bishop's Wife is dull, 1941 is about twenty minutes too long, and I never made it past the first fifteen minutes or so of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Die Hard is a pretty decent choice for number one. And this list gets credit for not including It's a Wonderful Life, a seriously flawed movie that is almost completely redeemed by James Stewart's amazing performance.

I would add Remember the Night, with Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck, directed by Preston Sturges. It is the top best film that any of those three people made.

Also missing from this list are the following Christmas classics, directed by the "celebrated" auteur Ricky Sprague (the first one might be a little not safe for work):

"Joyeux du Oignon et Noel (Christmas Rimjob)" - watch more funny videos

I'm currently working on yet another Christmas-themed film, which I hope to have posted by Monday, which will no doubt make it onto my own top best Christmas list, should I ever choose to actually make one.

Disturbing google image search of the day: Paula Deen nude

On Tuesday, someone found my blog by doing a google image search for Food Network celebrity Paula Deen nude. I was so scandalized, I took a screenshot of it from my statcounter:

My blog is about many and varied subjects, so it's not unusual for people to stumble upon it while looking for shall we say esoteric things. But Paula Deen nude?

Of course I am more than happy to give people what they're looking for. To that end, I present the following doctored image of Paula Deen nude:

I hope google is paying attention -- this should get me lots and lots of visitors!

(The image above consists of pieces that can be found here and here. The quote was taken from a video that can be found here.)

Poodle Bitch is sad to note the passing of Pusuke

Yesterday, Pusuke, described in the Mail Online as a "male cross breed," passed away. Pusuke's passing is notable because the authoritative collector of human "records," the Guinness Book, last December certified him as the oldest living dog on the planet.

Here is how the Mail Online story begins:

The world's oldest living dog has died in Japan at the age of 26 - the equivalent to more than 125 human years.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that a canine's age must always be presented so. Are humans so unable to comprehend that 26 is an extraordinarily ripe old age for a dog that they must have it spelled out that the "human equivalent" is, well, a ripe old age for a human?

Poodle Bitch would like for everyone, human and canine alike, to finally once and for all acknowledge that human and canine bodies age differently. Canines mature faster. While human babies are still making (pardon Poodle Bitch's language) "poo" in their diapers, most dogs have already learned to patiently sit by the door and wait for a human to let them out. And very few humans ever learn that the only proper, dignified spot in which to leave one's (again, pardon Poodle Bitch's language) "poo" is outside in a nice, shady spot, far away from the structure in which one dwells.

Poodle Bitch very much appreciates this reporting on the story, at something with the cutesy-poo name "Animal Tracks," in which Pusuke's passing is noted not in human terms, but canine:

Pusuke, who was listed as the oldest living dog in Guinness World Records, died on Dec. 5, 2011 in Sakura, Japan. He reached the ripe old age of 26 years and 9 months.

Unfortunately, the story is three paragraphs in length. The first paragraph, Poodle Bitch has pasted in full above. The second paragraph consists of two sentences noting the previous record holder was an American Beagle who passed away in 2003. The third paragraph is a single sentence containing a link to a "slideshow of the biggest, fastest, longest, weirdest and wackiest record breakers from the 2012 edition of Guinness World Records."

Hardly a dignified notice of the passing of a dedicated companion of more than 26 and a half years. Especially given what Poodle Bitch learned from an article which appeared in Business Insider (Poodle Bitch wonders if Pusuke was involved in business in some way?) back in July 2011:

But Pusuke came close to losing out on the prestigious Guinness title.

In 2008, the dog was run over by a car and several of his organs were crushed during the accident.

Leaving aside for a moment the casual indifference with which this information is presented, Poodle Bitch has to admit she gasped upon reading those words. Pusuke's organs were crushed when he was run over by a car three years ago. Appropriately, a website called A Place to Love Dogs has more:

The spry elder canine still enjoys his role as guard dog, but nearly lost his shot at the Guinness record when he was struck by a car in 2008, rupturing a number of internal organs. Emergency surgery saved the 28 pound wonder dog.

Poodle Bitch concedes that's not much more, but it does tell the reader that Pusuke had surgery. Also, Poodle Bitch can't help but note that while Business Insider (the place for canine-related news?) says that Pusuke's organs were "crushed," which sounds like something humans occasionally do to the delicious tomatoes that Poodle Bitch so loves before placing them in jars, A Place to Love Dogs reveals that Pusuke's organs "ruptured," which sounds much more like a medical term.

But which was it -- were Pusuke's organs "ruptured," or "crushed"?

Poodle Bitch also notes that Ms. Nagai is described by the website as Pusuke's "owner." Perhaps they should call themselves "A Place to Own Dogs"? Regardless, A Place to Love Dogs claims that Pusuke's human companion, Shigeo Nagai, gives him vitamins twice daily, but does not share exactly what vitamins he takes. This is information Poodle Bitch might like to have.

Perhaps the vitamins twice a day lifestyle is the norm in Japan. Poodle Bitch notes that the average human life expectancy in Japan is 82.9 years, which is apparently the longest in the world. Poodle Bitch is curious as to the average life expectancy of dogs worldwide, but was only able to find canine life expectancy information broken down by breed, not nation. So she has no way of knowing for sure if Japanese dogs live longer.

Still, Poodle Bitch has long maintained that is the quality of the years, not the quantity, that most matter to her. She is happy to have found companions in whose presence she feels safe and protected, and she is happy to have gotten plenty of satisfying chicken breast and tomato slices. And a nice place outside the house in which to (one last time, Poodle Bitch apologizes for her language) poo. She hopes that Pusuke could say the same.

She hopes that all dogs can say the same.

Pusuke and his human companion, Shigeo Nagai. Two very lucky individuals.

"Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs," and the baffling chef Alex Guarnaschelli

Alex Guarnaschelli is an unpleasant, scowling, foul, sour, insulting, annoying, repellent woman who for some reason continues to appear on programs airing on the Food Network. Considering this is the cable channel that has inflicted upon us Guy Fieri, Duff Goldman, Rachael Ray, Paula Deen, Sandra Lee, Robert Irvine, Troy Johnson, and Bobby Flay, you might think it would be difficult to decide just who is the least likable and most irritating human being ever to appear on its airwaves. This, however, is not the case. The owner of that dubious distinction, hands down, is the human equivalent of runny brie smothered in wasabi that is Alex Guarnaschelli.

For reasons that baffle me, this condescending, hectoring, supremely unsavory person has been given at least two of her own shows -- one of which is apparently still on the air (who would watch her? I'd rather eat a plate full of undercooked chicken smothered in raw eggs and possibly poisonous mushrooms than subject myself to watching her make that scowling face that somehow acts as her "smile" while she tells me about her favorite breakfast in bed moment for 30 minutes) -- and she regularly appears as a "judge" on the alleged cooking competition "Chopped." Someone at Food Network has a Chef Guarnaschelli fetish that is as mystifying as Spam wrapped in Fugu.

The only thing that's even remotely remarkable about her is unfathomable ability to get herself on television.

I've often thought that I must be missing something -- she can't possibly be as bad as I think she is, and moreover there can't possibly be some grand conspiracy to force her upon us. But now that Ms. Guarnaschelli is a contestant on the newest season of "The Next Iron Chef," (which is laughably subtitled "Super Chefs" -- what exactly is so "super" about Ms. Guarnaschelli?) I have irrefutable proof that Ms. Guarnaschelli is just as irritating, unpleasant, hateful, vituperative, nasty, and repellent as I've always thought. And that there is a conspiracy to force her upon us, no matter what.

On the episode that aired tonight, November 27, Ms. Guarnaschelli served the judges burned peanut shells in a bag. Literally. That is literally what she served the judges. She told them they were inedible. And she served them. Burned peanut shells in a brown paper bag. I am not exaggerating that.

And she didn't even land in the bottom two.

No, please do not ask me to explain the premise of this ridiculous show. It's bad enough that I actually watch, and it's bad enough that I'm actually blogging about it now. The remaining chefs had to create dishes inspired by New York City landmarks, and then tell stories about their food (shouldn't the food itself tell the story?). Ms. Guarnaschelli's landmark was the Empire State Building, for which she concocted some cockamamie story about smelling burned peanut shells -- it's street food! -- every time she walked past the Empire State Building to get to her first job in a restaurant.

Moreover, as for the edible portion of her dish, at least one of the judges -- Simon Majumdar -- complained that her potatoes were as rancid and hard to take as her personality (I'm paraphrasing). But no, it was Chef Elizabeth Falkner who landed in the bottom two because she allegedly didn't "sell" the story behind her Brooklyn Bridge inspired schnitzel, or something.

Maybe Chef Marcus Samuelsson deserved to land in the bottom two (the whole enterprise is dubious!), but there is no way that either he nor Chef Falkner should have gone home before Ms. Guarnaschelli because you know what? Neither of them served the judges in an Iron Chef "Super" Chefs competition a bag full of burned peanut shells.

A bag full of burned peanut shells!

During the final cook-off between the Chefs Falkner and Samuelsson, the Chef Anne Burrell (who is a cool refreshing drink of Mojito on a hot summer day next to Ms. Guarnaschelli) turned to her and said something to effect of, "I'm worried about that schmear on the bottom of Chef Falkner's pan. But I hope it tastes good." To which the backbiting scold Ms. Guarnaschelli replied, "No you don't."

Ms. Guarnaschelli, you see, wishes villification upon others, and she projects that unpleasant calumny that comes so naturally to her onto everyone else.

And I'm not even going to mention -- I'm too irritated! -- the incident in which she dropped her potatoes into the water and she overstated "There was nowhere in the universe I'd rather not be than in that kitchen at that moment." This woman has absolutely no perspective. Would she have rather been in Iraq at that moment? How about on the other side of Pluto?

Okay, I get it. Reality shows are supposed to have villains. But in a cooking competition, shouldn't the contestants -- even the villains -- actually serve, you know, edible food to the judges? Otherwise we might start to get suspicious.

She thinks that smug, condescending scowl is a smile.

Home improvement terms from DIY Network and HGTV that sound kind of naughty

Someone famous wrote a book about how you become an expert at something after having spent 10,000 hours doing it. Well, I have watched about 10,000 hours of HGTV and DIY network, so I feel I am an expert on home improvement.

One thing that I've noticed, as I've become a home improvement expert, is that some of the terms that we home improvement experts use sound kind of -- well, "a bit rude," as the Prince Regent put it in the third Black Adder series (having watched at least 10,000 hours of British television, I'm also an expert on British history). Here then is my list of home improvement terms heard on HGTV and DIY network, that sound a bit rude:

Angle-nail

Backer rod

Backsplash

Bottom rail

Buttjoints

Butt hinge

Caulk

Cupping

Curb appeal

Double glazing

Double hung window

Drywall

Easement

Extrusion

Flashing

French door

Furring strips

Girder

Grout

Hardwood

Headboard

Head track

Horizontal slider

Jack studs

King studs

Lag screw

Load-bearing wall

Nail

Nipple

P-trap

Packing nut

Pilot hole

Plenum

Plumb bob

Plumber's putty

Pocket door

Post-and-beam

Rake

Retrofit

Riser

Set screw

Sheathing

Sill cock

Slats

Spackle

Stud finder

Triple glazing

Underlayment

Weep hole

Wet wall

Bonus: Poetry first, then sausage: