I am a bit of a Hollywood insider, as previously mentioned. However, last week I totally blew my predictions-- I completely missed the movie that turned out to be the number two moneymaker, the imaginatively titled "This Christmas." I believe I was too enchanted by the enchantment of the number one movie, "Enchanted," which I would like to point out I predicted would be the number one movie. Anyway this weekend I did some extra research so that I won't be caught unawares by another "sleeper" hit, so this week's predictions should be extra insightful:
1. ENCHANTED: How, I ask you, can moviegoers resist this enchantment? There is a cute girl in the title role, and McDreamy from Gray's Anatomy (a show I do not watch myself but that my male servants never miss). There is animation and live action. There is talking animals. There is a talking car. There is a race-to-the-finish ending involving a chase through Manhattan's extensive sewer system. This film will make another $1 billion.
2. THIS CHRISTMAS: The movie that snuck in under my radar has it all: the maudlin and the saccharin. I still have no idea what this movie is about, other than comedy and drama, which is what Americans want, I guess. I expect it to finish well above my expectations, which are for a $555 million weekend.
3. A GRANDPA FOR CHRISTMAS: Academy Award-winning actor Ernest Borgnine stars as a seven year old boy with a rare and factitious medical condition that causes his body to age at an abnormally accelerated rate. He only has a few more months to live, and what he'd really like before he dies is to have a "Grandpa." He gets his wish in the form of an old man, also played by Ernest Borgnine, who befriends his Grandmother. The twist is that the "Grandpa" is actually the boy's biological grandfather, who'd been stricken with amnesia after spending a night in a drunk tank 49 years before. This touching film is a Hallmark Channel movie, but I still expect it to make about $400 million this weekend.
4. BEE O WULF: Jerry Seinfeld stars in this animated take on the classic poem, as a heroic warrior who is half human, half bee, and all warrior fun. Though surprisingly violent, adults and parents alike are swarming like bees to this film, so I expect it to make an additional $98 million.
5. THE FRED CLAUSE: When Santa takes too long recovering from a night of drunken debauchery, his dim-witted but good-natured hillbilly cousin Fred is forced to take over for him. After delivering toys to children all over the world, even Hindus, he wins the big NASCAR race. The combination of Santa and NASCAR is helping this film make it big in the "red states," so I expect it to take in an additional $178 million, brining its cume to an impressive $179 million.
6. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS: In this Hallmark Channel original film, a little boy being raised inadequately by a single mother dreams of getting a father for Christmas. The boy (and his mother) gets more than he bargained for when over 100 male suitors respond to the personal ad the boy placed on his mother's behalf. I'm not sure what happens next, but it probably involves bukake. This holiday charmer should bang its way to about $478 million this weekend.
7. AUGUST RUSH: The progressive rock titans Rush in their first concert film, filmed in August, I guess. I hope they do the song about the Libertarian trees. I'd expect this to get an impressive per-screen cume of $98,912.73.
8. AMERICAN HITMAN: When Denzel Washington is hired to assassinate a presidential candidate, it's up to Russell Crowe to stop him. But it turns out that Denzel Washington is actually -- spoiler alert!-- an Angel, and the presidential candidate is actually the bad guy! Audiences are loving this dazzling display of filmakery, and I expect it to pull in an additional, and dazzling, $789 million.
9. MR FLUORIDE'S MASTICATION STATION: Always brush your teeth is the message behind this dazzling and fanciful film that marks the big-screen return of the Cavity Creeps. I give this movie two teeth up! A modest cume of $99 million for this weekend.
10. HEARTSTRINGS: This Hallmark Channel original features a star turn by Steve Guttenberg as a mentally challenged concert violinist who falls in love with a local television station meteorologist, played by Valerie Bertenelli. Can a man with a 78 IQ and a habit of urinating uncontrollably when forced to look someone in the eye win the heart of a sophisticated television personality? If you guessed "yes," then you've probably already seen the film, because these things are usually pretty unpredictable. But did you also realize that this film will make about $300 million this weekend? It will.
There they are. I think I really redeemed myself with this list-- there's no way these films won't make the top ten!