Oh geez here we go again. I'm a real Hollywood insider, with my finger onthe pulse of Hollywood, and of America. Tonight, moreover, I am slightly inebriated from an evening of debauch that is still ongoing. I want to get my weekend predictions in as quickly as possible so that the Hollywood community can look them over and plan for their weekends accordingly, and so that I can get back to the trapezing in the next room. Okay? Okay!
1. I AM WILL SMITH: Will Smith takes on his toughest role ever, when he plays himself as the last real man on earth. Everyone else is just a mindless zombie, except for Will Smith, who is charismatic as usual. I expect audiences to flock to this picture to see what it is really like when a real man like Will Smith is left to take care of all the mess that is left behind when a bunch of people who are not Will Smith abandon earth with only zombies left to populate it. Americans love this kind of entertainment, and they will not be denied this week, as it opens to what I'm expecting will be a healthy per-screen average of $28,764.18, for a fanciful total of $903 million this weekend!
2. I AM ALVIN, OF THE CHIPMUNKS: In this fanciful family film, Jason Lee plays the guy who owns three lovable, singing rodents. They spend much of the film signing record deals and trying to avoid Richard Gere (although that part might not have made the film's final cut). While for myself, I find the premise of singing rodents disturbing, in particular the clip in which one of the rodents sits on the guy's face and pees on his face, I know that families love to flock to this type of fare, which is supposedly appropriate for the entire family. My gurus are predicting big things from this film, and a $765 million opening weekend isn't out of the question.
3. I AM ENCHANTED: I wrote "I Am Enchanted" because I am. This enchanting film is still using its power of enchantment, which is frankly a little disturbing if I'm being honest, to enchant audiences all over the world. My gurus tell me that the overseas numbers are also striking, in the high hundreds of millions of dollars, except in countries where they use the barter system rather than currency (some countries charge admission in the form of chickens, or hamburger meat). A $444 million weekend should have Hollywood saying, "Wow! I don't believe it!"
4. THE PERFECT HOLIDAY: This film is aimed at families, who rule the box office in this magical time of year. It is important to be with your family, even if you can't stand them, or especially if they can't stand you. Maybe they say to you, "No, that's okay, you can just stay at your own home this year, don't go to the trouble of coming to visit." And then you can say, "Okay, that makes it easy," and then you hang up the phone and cry and cry and cry because you wanted them to want you to come to see them. I predict this film will make lots of money from the family market, and maybe if it makes $400 million this weekend Hollywood will take notice.
5. THE GOLDEN POMPOUS: Nicole Kidman plays this woman from a fanciful world in which each human is assigned an animal companion. Her animal companion is a singing rodent named Alvin. Next, Daniel Craig, who played James Bond, comes in with a big bear. The bear eats the rodent, and everyone is enchanted! As I said last week, this movie has made God angry, so go see it at your own risk. $345 million Friday to Sunday should be a big number, but I expect the Sunday matinees to make up the difference.
6. THIS CHRISTMAS: Everyone loves to be with family for the holidays, especially if it's not your real family, but a fanciful family of the silver screen. My gurus are telling me that this film has "legs," and that a $45 million Friday, $87 million Saturday and $65 million Sunday would add up to a very large number.
7. HUCKABEEOWULF: Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee is surprising everyone with his star turn in this half animation half live action all fun piece of enchantment especially aimed at older families. When the dragon at the end turns out to be a metaphor for AIDS patients, you know that only heroic Huckabeeowulf can save humankind! $325 million this weekend? More like $354 million!
8. THE KITE RUNNER: Small children figure prominently in this story of a kite competition, where the children build their own kites to compete against the other children! It's fun on top of fun as each of the children overcomes some kind of serious challenge, like mental retardation and hunger! Who will win this kite competition!? Only people who go see this uplifting and upbeat film will know the answer for sure (it's the retarded kid)! I'm betting it will take in at least $645 million, because who doesn't love kites? Only evil people, that's who.
9. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: In our youth-obsessed world, what is to become of our old men? That is the question raised by this provocative Coen brothers film, featuring Tommy Lee Jones as an old man who is looking for one last turn on the wheel of life. America loves stories of redemption! Take the children to see these "old men" in action! Hollywood will be stunned by the $576 million weekend I'm predicting!
10. ENCHANTED: This film is so enchanting, it will actually appear twice in the top 10! That's how enchanted it is! That old Disney magic works its enchanting spell for $34 million Friday, $578 million Saturday (thanks largely to the fact that the kids have the day off), and a whopping $978 million Sunday that will have this film barely making the top 10!
So much for this weekend's predictions! Now I'm counting on you, the readers, to make these predictions a reality by going out and seeing the films! Myself, I have a trapeze to get back to!