I am a Hollywood insider with lots of insight into the comings and goings of the Hollywood lifestyle and system. Everyone waits for my predictions, they wait with trepidation and etc. Well I am back here today to make my predictions for the new weekend.
Last weekend's grosses were up, and ensured another up year at the box office. Will this trend continue? Only by reading the below will you get the answer.
1. NICOLAS TREASURE, BOOK OF CAGE: Audiences were in love with this sequel in the "Nicolas Treasure" franchise, as my sources tell me they were delighted that this "four quadrant" picture (appealing to the different races and sexes) that was a bonanza for the marketing people. (Check out deals they struck with McDonald's for Happy Meal toys, and The PlayPen for dildoes and merkins.) Star Nicolas Cage, who dabbles in comic book scripting, is said to be looking for another sequel to do, and I'd love to offer him a look at my spec script for a sequel to "Breakfast at Tiffany's" entitled "Lunch at Tiffany's," set in a postapocalyptic wasteland in which gasoline is a scarcity people are willing to kill for. Anyway, just a thought. This film should pull in another $893 million, as it is tracking quite well.
2. I AM STILL WILL SMITH: Awareness is actually at over 100% for this film, which is a dream for the marketing people (see above). (I say "over 100%" because it's tracking particularly well with fetuses.) No one doesn't like Will Smith, and if they do, they are jerks. He is the only star who appeals to both women, men, black people, white people, Hispanic people, and Asian people. This film should continue to outperform all expectations, particularly difficult because expectations are being adjusted upward by about 15% (accountants!). A $934 million weekend wouldn't be out of the question.
3. CHIPMUNKS! THE MUSICAL: The lovable Chipmunks return in their first and best big-screen adventure. Haven't gotten around to seeing this one yet, but I'm told the kids today love their talking animals, so look for this one to continue to perform well (it also has the benefit of being a "three quadrant" picture, appealing as it does to the young and old alike. The ending, in which the three lovable 'munks are put to sleep after they become rabid, is controversial, to say the least. Nevertheless, expect another $523 million from this heartwarming picture!
4. THE MASTER DEBATERS: Challenging film probing the exciting world of high school debate teams. If you love to watch high schoolers stand at podiums and talk, then this is definitely the film for you! Look for about $569 million this weekend, for an impressive cume, helped by the recent Golden Globe noms, which have got people talking in Kansas and Nebraska.
5. SWEETY T, THE DEMON DANCER OF BEAT STREET: Johnny Depp plays a man who seeks to get revenge on the people who killed his family by becoming the best breakdancer in the world. Although period pieces don't track well, this film's awareness is through the roof, thanks to its incredible star power. Unfortunately, the people who know about are only 43% interested in seeing it, so I'm expecting a modest $963 million this weekend (thanks to it playing in only about half the theaters of Will Smith's film, the per screen average will be an impressive $amount).
6. WATER CLOSET, LEGEND OF THE BATHROOM: A giant monster attacks from people's toilets. Or does it? Perhaps it's just a legend cooked up by inbred hillbilly redneck yokels to drum up interest in their otherwise uninteresting backwoods "holler"? It turns out that it is (spoiler alert), but the police shoot the child who discovers the truth, and everyone sells t-shirts and lives happily ever after. A tough sell, especially in a Holiday season when awareness is what counts (awareness on this film is, pun intended, in the toilet), so my gurus are expecting a lower-than-expected $412 million, although my sources tell me the studio is lowering expectations even more, down to the mid $410 millions.
7. CHARLIE WILSON VS ALIEN VS PREDATOR: Tom Hanks tackles his toughest accent yet as he plays a real-life Senator who used his political clout to arm the Aliens in their fight against the Predator. The ending of the film, which suggests that the Aliens then turned around and used those very same weapons to attack US citizens, is highly controversial, especially with the real-life Charlie Wilson, who claims to not even believe in Aliens. The controversy can only help, as can the casting of Julia Roberts as the Alien, and Philip Seymour Hoffman as the Predator. Look for an impressiver-than-average $678 million this weekend, for a new cume of $679.4 million.
8. ENCHANTED!: Yes! Finally! This is the film that sends me into fits of ecstatic fancy! Oh my gosh I cannot stand this enchantment! And the new commercial, with the poem, is so endearing that audiences are flocking to return for second and third steaming helpings of enchantment! Pants are definitely optional on this one, and a $345 million weekend would bring its cume to a well-deserved $8793395 billion with a b.
9. THE FUCKET LIST: Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman play a couple of elderly men who are diagnosed with cancer, and only have a few months left to live. Wait, don't turn away like that. It's actually very uplifting. They each makes lists of women they'd like to sleep with. Then they go out and sleep with them. At the top of Jack's list is Lindsay Lohan, whom he meets in rehab. Morgan goes after Amy Adams, the enchanting star of Enchanted. Later, they have a four-way, and finally come to realize that they were in love, not just platonic love but actual romantic physical love with each other, and end up in bed together, and then die in each others arms. Oh shoot, sorry spoiler alert there. Anyway, although it's a tough sell, audiences love Nicholson and Freeman, so look for about $432 million this weekend, for a per-screen average of whatever that number is divided by the number of screens it's playing on, and then you do something else to the number. Dammit I'm not an accountant.
10. JUNO: As this film expands into more theaters, it will continue to do better and better. Eventually it will be the number one movie in the world, but for now it will have to settle for number 10 this week (I think it deals with the subject of teenage sexuality in a frank and erotic manner). Look for about $3.4 million Friday, $67 million Saturday (matinees), and $45 million Sunday, thanks to a great radio ad campaign in cities like Chicago and San Francisco.