Wednesday, December 31, 2008

LA Cops Kidnap Woman Who Had the Misfortune to Look Sorta A Little Like Jamie Lynn Spears

Members of the LAPD kidnapped a woman who looked like Britney Spears' sister and forced her to go with them to the baggage claim so that the Spears girl could get away.

Last September 11, when Jamie Lynn flew to Los Angeles, LAX cops tried to divert the paparazzi by using a decoy whom they escorted to baggage claim. The impromptu decoy -- Adessa Eskridge -- happened to be on the same plane as Jamie Lynn.

Eskridge's lawyer, Chuck Vernon, tells us one of the cops told Eskridge as she got off the plane, "You're going to help us with something." He says it was almost as if she was taken into custody. Vernon says cops told Eskridge to walk with them as they made their way to baggage claim.


"Almost as if she was taken into custody?" She was.

Actually, given what the police, security, and TSA employees can do to anyone who dares fly nowadays, being briefly kidnapped by the police so that you can act as a decoy for some spoiled trashy little twit is probably not all that bad.

I hope this woman is awarded $50 million and custody of Jamie Lynn Spears' baby.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

What Better Way to Memorialize the Sacrifice of Those Who Have Died Trying to Protect Our Freedom than by Using Force to Take Someone's Property?

Some of the family members of victims of United Flight 93 which crashed on Sept. 11, 2001 want President GW Bush to spend his last days in office seizing the land in Pennsylvania on which the flight crashed.

The effort to build a permanent memorial began with legislation signed by Bush in September 2002, leading to plans for a 2,200-acre national park site. The bulk of the memorial is projected to cost about $56 million, including $30 million from the private sector, $10 million from the state of Pennsylvania and the remainder from the federal government, according to federal officials and the Flight 93 group. About 1,400 acres would need to be bought by the government to make it work, according to federal officials.

But much like faltering efforts to build a monument at Ground Zero in New York, the Pennsylvania project has been dogged by delays and, most important, a simmering dispute over a 273-acre tract that includes most of the crash site. The quarry company that owns the land, Svonavec Inc. of Somerset, has rejected a $250,000 offer from the Park Service for the land, as well as $750,000 from Families of Flight 93, according to documents and interviews.


$750K sounds like a lot of money to me- but then, it's not my property, and I have no idea what it's worth. The government must think it's worth something, if they're planning on spending at least $16M on it (by the way, do you really think the final price tag will be $56M?).

The Flight 93 group thinks there is no use pursuing further negotiations with the Svonavec firm and accuses the company's secretary-treasurer, Mike Svonavec, of seeking as much as $10 million for the land. Many of the families are also angry with Svonavec for forcing the Park Service to move the temporary memorial off his land, citing security reasons.

"All that we have worked for is endangered," the Families of Flight 93 and a related group wrote in a Dec. 9 letter to Bush. "It would be an insult to the memory of the brave souls on Flight 93, as well as to the nation that demanded that their sacrifice be remembered, that inertia prevented us from completing our task."

'I've jumped through hoops'
Svonavec accuses federal officials of failing to follow guidelines for buying property and said that his only interest is in getting a fair third-party appraisal of the land, which had been strip-mined for coal before it reverted to an area of meadows and trees before the Flight 93 crash. Svonavec also denied ever placing a $10 million price tag on the parcel.

"All we've ever asked is that an independent appraisal be done on the property, and then let's sit down and work it out," he said. "I've jumped through hoops. I'd do anything I can to get it done. But when they're hiding appraisals, what can you do?"


One group wants to memorialize the victims of Flight 93, and the other wants a fair price for his own property. It's hard to imagine being in either situation- if I'd lost a family member in the crash I'd be inconsolable. If I owned the property where the crash took place I'd hate to have to deal with the federal government when they're interested in using their power to take the land.

What a terrible, depressing story this is.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Inspirational "Footprints" poem and poster


It's important to remember "the reason for the season."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Re: Bernard Madoff's Ponzi Scheme, or, Madoff Vs. Blagojevich

I suppose what Bernard Madoff did was a bad thing- I'm not smart enough to follow this too closely, and the only "screwing" is metaphorical so my eyes kind of glaze over when I read stories like this- but the following line from this story caught my eye:

"There is no innocent explanation," Madoff said, according to the criminal complaint. He told the agents that it was all his fault, and that he "paid investors with money that wasn't there," according to the complaint.


"Paid investors with money that wasn't there." How similar is that to the government's "bailouts"? Who's going to jail for those "schemes"?

Moreover, compare the reactions of Madoff ("there is no innocent explanation") to those of Rod Blagojevich ("I don't care whether you tape me privately or publicly. I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful."). Both are assholes, but which one is the bigger asshole?

I don't know the answer- I'm really asking! I don't know!

Old Witchcraft Secrets - Make Your Wildest Dreams Come True

I've been getting these witchcraft secrets spam scam emails lately. Apparently the problems with my spells and rituals aren't my fault- I've been misled by fakers and charlatans. The people who sent me this spam email are the real witches, who have the real secrets:


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I really like that line about "In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers." It's true- but only if I take this bullshit seriously.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Comic About Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's Impending "Resignation."



He will not resign. He will persevere, abide, and endure. He will earn an appointment to a cabinet-level position in Barack Obama's administration.

The Greatest Christmas Movie of All-Time

My humble choice for the greatest Christmas film of all time is the now classic "Joyeux du Oignon et Noel," (NSFW) an animation masterpiece about the loss of innocence during the holiday season, available for viewing below:



It's hit over 15,000 views, so it's to be congratulated!

Another of those "Kids Today!" Articles that make no sense.

Kids today! They're on the road to ruin. It's just so much worse than when we were kids. They've got the facebook, where they post their "unflattering" pictures of themselves; they've got their video games, which are just so violent; they've got their marijuana, which is just so much more potent than what they had in the 60s and 70s; they've got their underwear-exposing baggy pants; they've got their tattoos.

And now do you know what they're doing? They're "hooking up" without falling in love! Seriously, they're giving in to their natural urges and they're not even feeling guilty about it! According to this "op-ed" column in the New York Times, "The Demise of Dating,"

Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.


Hooking up, as the author Charles Blow (got to be a pseudonym, right?) describes it, is "a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment". Does that sound scandalous to you? Or does it sound ideal? Sometimes a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment is a good thing. Why would anyone want to limit themselves if they don't have to?

Blow, obviously a fairly hip guy who first heard about "hooking up" years ago (maybe when Tom Wolfe's book came out), "figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm."

Of course this is bad. Because the kids are having more sex, and we can't have that.

Oh, wait.

I should point out that just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research).


Okay, so then there must be some reason why Blow thinks this "strange culture" is so bad.

It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.


Ah, I get it. "When I was a kid, we didn't do it that way, so it must be wrong." He's jealous. But I don't think he's jealous of the fact that the kids today are doing it. I think he's jealous of the fact that they don't feel shame about it. He gets the straight dope on the strange culture from the totally plugged in "Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.”" She tells him that

"It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Now that’s sad.


First of all it's not true. "Hooking up," even as explained in this stupid opinion piece, is described as an action between friends. You're getting to know them and hooking up at the same time. And even if it were true-- that we as a culture were somehow losing the ability to get to know someone through holding hands and walking around the town square, or attending Sadie Hawkins dances, or sharing a chocolate malted at the soda shop-- for crying out loud would that be a bad thing?

Only to some old fogey pining away for an idealized memory world in which things were done the right way, goldarnit!

But Blow's concerns aren't only with the kids today losing touch with the idealized past of his youth. He's also worried about "gender inequity"

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.


You know how girls are. It's how they've always been, ever since Blow was a kid-- girls want to get married, and boys just want to get laid! That's how it is. That's how it's always been and there's no need to cite any statistics or anything to back it up. And while we're at it, let's also let people know that this "strange culture" isn't just a defiance of the old ways of doing things, it's also leading to sexual assaults because there's alcohol involved! And we don't need to give you any statistics about that either, because it's just so self-evident: Girls cannot take care of themselves, and boys are lust-crazed animals.

Why does anyone take these conservative, stasist old fogeys seriously?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Why is there original Steve Ditko Artwork Listed on eBay?







It seems suspicious that original artwork by Steve Ditko, the genius co-creator of Spider-Man and Dr Strange, and creator of dozens of other characters including The Question, Mr. A, and Static, has recently appeared for sale on eBay. It's difficult for me to believe that Mr. Ditko would sanction this, given his opinion about original artwork. It's probably not much of a stretch to assume that the artwork was stolen, especially given the shady nature of the original comic art market.

Links to the listings are here, here, and here. I took pictures of them and put them at the top of this blog entry as well. The dealer's eBay store is here. Here is the store's website.

I guess it's possible that the dealer's legitimate (the website seems so, but there's not much information about who runs it), and the artwork was obtained legally and with Ditko's consent, but that seems an unlikely reversal from the author of Avenging World.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Do you believe a Chinese woman really lost her hearing from a passionate kiss?

According to this breathless story, a woman lost her hearing from kissing too passionately.

A young woman has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss.

The twentysomething woman was taken to hospital in the Chinese city of Zhuhai, in southern Guangdong province, completely deaf in her left ear after the smooch.

'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.

The doctor said the woman's hearing would return to normal within two or three months.

'While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution,' the newspaper added.


That's the entire story, which can also be found here, here, here, and here. (This one adds the rather sinister sentence, "The incident prompted newspapers to dispense kissing safety advice." The authorities in China really want to control everything, don't they?) And here.

Every version is the same, with very little detail given. The woman's name isn't revealed, and the medical quote is from "a medic called Dr Li." We then get a short, hectoring quote from a Chinese newspaper about proper kissing etiquette.

I do not believe this story. It is just as true as this one.

Why oh why oh why do news organizations just blindly pass along this bogus information as "news"? Is it because of that great, irresistible headline "Kiss of Deaf" that so many of them used? That's part of it, sure. I mean, it's a great pun, and so what if you're just advancing a totalitarian attempt to control peoples' lives by demonizing a common activity?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ån "As Seen on TV" Christmas


A photo of your humble blogger using his new shamwow to wipe away moisture from his snuggie this holiday season. Both are highly recommended as gifts.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I Feel Bad for Virgins in General, Whopper Virgins in Particular

Burger King has a new ad campaign called "Whopper Virgins," in which people from remote parts of the world, places where they don't even have a name for a burger (I think the ad says something like that) are given a Whopper, and then a Big Mac. These people then choose which they like the best.

This is awesome.

Can you imagine living in a world where they don't even have fast food? No? Neither can I. And I don't want to. But there are people who live like that, and we should know about them. Why? Because it's important to, you know, know about other people and how they live. This campaign is the perfect opportunity. We meet these people who have to work 25 hours a day, have no indoor plumbing or running water, whose homes consist of three walls (two of which are made mostly from dung- and those are the sturdy walls), and watch their eyes light up as they try for the first time the delicious fast food that you and I take for granted. (If you're reading this America, anyway.)

Of course, as this article points out, there are some jerks who don't like the campaign.

"It's outrageous," Sharon Akabas of the Institute of Human Nutrition at Columbia University, told the New York Daily News. "What's next? Are we going to start taking guns out to some of these remote places and ask them which one they like better?"


If you can equate food with weapons, then there is no reasoning with you. You are a total jerk.

Marilyn Borchardt, development director for Food First, called the campaign insensitive.
"The ad's not even acknowledging that there's even hunger in any of these places," she told the Daily News.


The ad is feeding hungry people, meaning that you are the insensitive one, you jerk.

Brian Morrissey, writing on Adfreak.com, likens the campaign to colonialism and declares it "embarrassing and emblematic of how ignorant Americans still seem to the rest of the world."


The ignorant ones are those who don't even know what a Whopper is! In this case, Americans are educating the rest of the world.

"It doesn't get much more offensive than this," noted The Inquisitor blog. "If visiting poor people in remote locations, some who would be at best surviving on below poverty levels and throwing a burger in their faces isn't bad enough, it gets better, because they also ask the Whopper Virgins to compare the taste of the Whopper to a McDonalds Big Mac as well.
"It's hard to place exactly where this begins on the level of wrongness."


Which is the part you find so "wrong"? The part where hungry people are fed, or the part where their opinions are solicited? "Let them starve, and I don't care what they think," is basically what you're saying.

There is plenty to get worked up about, but feeding the hungry isn't one of them.

The only problem I have with the campaign is that it compares the Whopper with the Big Mac. I don't know anyone who likes the Big Mac better. But put the Whopper up against the McRib, or the McGriddle, and there's no contest. The gold goes to McDonald's, hands down.

Some Thoughts on the new "Star Trek" Movie Opening in May 2009


There is a trailer out for the next "Star Trek" movie that opens next summer. This version is a sort of "prequel," I guess, or an alternate history or "reboot," I don't really know. Most of the actors look really young. But you know what? None of them is Jean-Luc Picard, and that means I've got no interest.

I never particularly cared for ST, even after I developed my totally healthy interest in SF (which stands for Speculative Fiction, thank you very much), but for a couple of years, around 1994-95 or so, I did watch The Next Generation regularly. The characters were more interesting than the SF elements, but there were a couple of those elements I did enjoy.

For one, I really liked the holodeck, or at least the idea of the holodeck. Story-wise, it was probably a cop-out to set episodes on that thing, but it would be fantastic to have a big room where you could go and set a program to fully immerse yourself in another world. Picard himself went into that thing and played like he was a 1930s hardboiled detective. I think they set another in the old west (Worf was a sheriff or something- or am I thinking of that episode of "Red Dwarf" where the guys got stuck in a virtual reality video game?).

Now I like to think I know a little bit about human nature. And with TNG we're talking about a crew of maybe as many as a thousand or so living in the close quarters of a spaceship with only limited shore leaves. Eventually, somebody is going to want to use the holodeck to relieve some of his loneliness. And by "relieve some of his loneliness," I mean he's going to want to have sex with holograms.

Just program yourself into the middle of a zero-g space orgy and go wild. Or perhaps you'd like to make simulated love with the futuristic equivalent of Angelina Jolie or Eva Mendes? Just a few mouse clicks is probably all it would take.

Unless the bluenoses took over, the way they have here on earth, now. And this is why the new "Battlestar Galactica" makes "ST" in all it's versions totally obsolete. If there was a holodeck on BSG, they would do an episode about how everyone wanted to use it to make simulated love with the futuristic equivalent of Angelina Jolie or Eva Mendes, and everyone else wanted to stop them because it was "sinful" and "bad for their souls." I have a feeling, based on the way things are right now, that the holodeck would have some surf-control set up so that it couldn't be used for those kinds of things.

After all, there were lots of children on the Enterprise, and we do want to protect the children. Which means that the pornodecks would be left on "Deep Space Nine," probably being run by that libertarian alien (I think he was called a "Ferengi" or something), and therefore the Enterprise could remain "pure."

Maybe a captain like Picard, or one of the higher-ranked crew members could get some holodeck nookie (I think Picard did get some kissing in when he was playing that detective), but what is the lonely ensign to do? He's got no partner. His skeevy rep has spread to the few available females who now refuse to date him, and the ship is now full of temptations he can never have. Without the sweet relief of a pornodeck, what is this man to do? Masturbation will only do so much.

It's only a matter of time before, you guessed it, his you-know-what makes its way into one of those automatic food generators. Those were the other cool SF devices on the ship, the things that Captain Picard would stand before and say, "Tea, Earl Grey," and a cup of steaming hot tea would materialize (presumably Earl Grey flavored), and then the captain would drink up. They did episodes where they got all kinds of exotic foods, from all over the universe, from that thing.

So to satisfy his normal urges, Lonely Ensign sticks his you-know-what into that thing and starts pumping away, lustily moaning something like, "Oh that feels so good," which sounds suspiciously like "odatfilsogud," which just happens to be a Bajoran delicacy that is very, very hot, and that dish appears directly on his you-know-what, and suddenly he's all burned up down there and in the ensuing lawsuit he ends up owning the entire Federation. All because those damned bluenoses wouldn't let them use the holodeck to satisfy their normal urges.

So anyway, those are my thoughts on the new "Star Trek" movie.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Wilderness Gazette

I'm in Indiana for the holidays, and at the Community Closet out here in Nashville Indiana I discovered, for a mere ten cents, a creepy and strange little "newsletter" called "The Wilderness Gazette." It's full of highly questionable content, put together by an obviously deranged mind, with homespun homilies and ridiculous rustic history. It's the type of thing that would appeal to anyone who loves saws painted with images of mewling kittens. Of course I just had to scan it in and post it on my blog.

At some point, I might try to learn some of the history of the publication, and the people involved (Dirk Faroush, Troy Louden, Old Uncle Yoakam, Sappy, etc), but then again, it's probably not even worth it.








Sunday, November 23, 2008

Is Prince Really Opposed to Gay Marriage?


Prince is one of the greatest songwriters of all time. He's kind of a genius, or at least he used to be. Honestly, I haven't listened to much of his stuff since "Diamonds & Pearls." Anyway, The New Yorker recently ran a piece on him, in which

When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”


Early in the article we're told that Prince has been a Jehovah's Witness for about seven years. Jehovah's Witnesses have their own Bible translation, called the New World Translation. I've never read it, have you? How similar is it to the King James Version? There are a few stories of god sending plagues down upon the earth to clear things out; most famous is probably the story of the flood. Prince's non-sequiter doesn't really answer the question paraphrased at the beginning of the paragraph (and why don't we get the full question that the author asked?). I think it's possible that Prince, a bit of a trickster who once changed his name to a squiggly design that combined the symbols for male and female, was having some fun with the author.

After all, Jehovah's Witnesses are known for their practical jokes. How many times have they predicted the end of the world? 50 times? 100?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Not a Fan of the "Buddha Boy"

There's some punk hooligan in Nepal that claims to be- or maybe it's other people who claim this on his behalf- "the reincarnation of the Buddha."

(This is the same snot-nosed little jerk who foollowers (typo, but I'm keeping it) claim once meditated for ten months without food or water, but couldn't be examined by scientists to verify the claims because "his followers said it would disturb his meditation."

Anyway, back to today's story. This kid's big accomplishment is:

Believers say he spent months without moving, sitting with his eyes closed beneath a tree.


Why would anyone consider that a great thing? Who would brag about this? You're a lazy little twerp. At least play a video game or something.

I was a little irritated by this article until I got to the part that mentioned there were some who were skeptical:

But several Buddhist scholars have been skeptical of the claims that Bamjan is a reincarnation of Siddhartha Gautama, who was born in southwestern Nepal roughly 2,500 years ago and became revered as the Buddha, or Enlightened One.


Hooray for skepticism! Let's not take this cockamamie story at face value! But then there's the very next paragraph, explaining why they're skeptical:

Rakesh, a Buddhist scholar, told the Associated Press last week that being Buddha means the last birth and the highest level that can be achieved and there can be no reincarnation of Buddha, even though Buddhists believe in life after death.


He simply can't be a reincarnation of the Buddha, because the Buddha can't be reincarnated! But everyone else can.

Does this mean that if I'm not reincarnated, that I'm the Buddha? I think it does. That makes me the real "Buddha Boy." I expect to see a check soon.

(Aside: Why not send this scamp to China to help calm the terrifying attack Pandas they've got plaguing their zoo visitors? Surely a kid who can meditate for months without food should be able to soothe any savage beast.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

If Barack Obama Wrote The Ziggy Comic Strip

I took quotes from these websites that collect quotes and speeches by Barack Obama and put them into Ziggy comics from the last couple of weeks, to create a simulated glorious week of Ziggy comics. Enjoy!







Friday, November 14, 2008

Does Obama Have Sex The Same Way the Rest of Us Do?

We all know that president-elect Obama is "the messiah," and "the one," someone more than a man on whom so many of our financial crisised, paranoid citizens have projected their hopes. Even that stalwart of journalistic integrity, Chris Matthews, has said he'll do anything he can to help the administration of the man who sent a thrill up his leg.

Obviously a lot has been written about all the amazing things Obama will do as president, but there's one issue that I haven't heard nearly enough about: How does Michelle Obama engage in carnal relations with him? Personally, I've always found it difficult to sleep with anyone for whom I have too much respect. I have to have some, of course, but frankly, if I have too much then I'm unable to do all of the things that I like to do. And if I thought that person was the freaking messiah, for crying out loud? Uhm, no, I don't think I could "hit that."

Plus, for all we know, the man ejaculates butterflies or something. I mean, he really is amazing. It wouldn't surprise me.

Of course I've spent the last eight years thinking about what sex must be like for the Bushes. I have no doubt it involves cowboy boots and hats, branding irons and bridles. His silt is probably slightly acidic. It's easy to imagine because Bush is just an average human being. Possibly even a little below average. The same, obviously, cannot be said for Obama.

Here's to four great years, America!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Why Does Yahoo Think Elton John is Hillary Clinton?

I was checking my yahoo mail and saw this curious image:



"Senator Clinton eyed as Secretary of State," it declares. And it's illustrated with a photo (a rather unflattering photo, at that) of pop superstar Elton John. Why does Yahoo think Elton John is Hillary Clinton?

My Problem with the Anti Gay Blacklist

There is a website that purports to list the names of people who donated money to the campaign for California's Proposition 8 that banned gay marriage. It does strike me as a little bit creepy to list peoples' names in this way, primarily because I fear that someone might create such a website to uncover the names of donors to campaigns for state propositions to which I myself sent money, such as:

$7.34 to a proposition in New York that would have enshrined in law the idea that sex with a sexbot would not be considered cheating, if and when such a sexbot ever exists. (Based on the "vibrator principle," which states that a woman's use of a vibrator is not considered cheating- and what is an erotic, lifelike robot, if not a modern vibrator? At least in principle?)

Because the above proposition went down 50% to 49%, I sent an additional $2.89 to a fund to recount all the votes. Where is the missing 1%?

$4.53 to a proposition in Montana that would have legalized the hazing of children with freckles. That one's another close one, but we've just gotten word that several "misplaced" ballots were found in the northeast corner of the state, which is a hotbed of anti-freckle sentiment. Fingers crossed!

$4.21 to a proposition in Florida to ban humidity. I'm not sure how practical this one would have been- I think it was supposed to be more symbolic than anything else. Still, if we can get rid of humidity in Florida, I'm pretty sure we can take it out anywhere!

$5.68 to a proposition in Indiana that would have banned the use of the phrase "Hoosier Daddy?" in public places. Once we get that passed, we'll try to get it banned in private residences, too!

$2.46 to a proposition that would have banned the use of undercooked food in erotic acts in South Dakota. This one was intended to be a direct challenge to the Supreme Court decision in the famous State of Vermont V. Sashimi case, legalizing the practice. Seriously, people- it's unsanitary.

$6.54 to a proposition that would have required women to wear their hair up during an initial sexual encounter with a new partner in Arizona. I like a woman with long hair, but pin it back when we're going at it for the first time, you know? I like to get a clear view of what you're doing.

Anyway, I guess I hope no one reads any of this.

Oxford Researchers List of Tired Phrases- Two That They Missed

Stuffed-shirt researchers at the University of Oxford released a list of their top 10 most annoying phrases (because everyone loves top-10 lists- they're always sure to make a splash on digg!):

1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science


They missed two really irritating ones, in my opinion: First, I hate it when I have just told someone that he is an irritating douchebag and I do not like him, and said person then says to me, "Why don't you tell me how you really feel?" in an ironic tone of voice. Well, I have just told you how I really feel- I feel that you are an irritating douchebag and I do not like you (mainly because of that sharp wit you just demonstrated).

The second is when the woman you're dating tells you she's pregnant. Why the hell are you telling me that? It's not my problem.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Blind Items

(1) Which of my neighbors refuses to rake his leaves, angering his more conscientious neighbors (such as myself)? If you guessed the neighbor with all the rotting, foul leaves in his yard, you're right!

(2) Which of my neighbors was shocked- shocked, I tell you!- to discover that his son, captain of the football team, was paying a cheerleader to date him? Apparently he doesn't want it getting out that he's deep in the closet, and was using said cheerleader as a "beard", so that he could continue his escapades with certain offensive linemen! (Leaving him little time, apparently, to rake the damn leaves in his yard.)

(3) Which of my neighbor's wives has been receiving "special deliveries" from the postal carrier? Apparently this neighbor is about as effective in bed as he is at raking his damned leaves, which are getting into my yard, for crying out loud.

(4) Which of my neighbors should spend more time raking leaves and less time drinking? Because he has been showing up to work completely inebriated to the point of slurring his speech and being unable to stay awake for more than ten minutes at a time, his supervisor threatening to take him off the phone bank, and is planning on using the "bad economy" as his excuse to fire him?

(5) Which of my neighbors with an ill-tended lawn is trying to keep everyone from learning why his car is about to be "repossessed"? Although the car is completely paid off, his bookie is owed a lot of money, and will be taking possession of several of his belongings (the car's only the beginning) if he doesn't get some kind of payment soon!

(6) Which of my neighbors should expect to receive a strongly-worded letter from the neighborhood association because he refuses to rake his leaves? And which of my neighbors' inability or refusal to rake his leaves is a stinging metaphor for his inability or refusal to take control of his sad, pathetic life?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Supreme Court Takes Up Case of Use of Profanity on TV

The US Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether or not the FCC can fine broadcasters over the use of "fleeting" (one time) expletives.

Easy answer: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Case closed, right? But do you expect a group of people who are so immature, childish, and infantile that they can't even bring themselves to utter the "dirty word" in question to actually be grown-up enough to realize this?

"Why do you think the F-word has shocking value or emphasis or force?" Roberts asked. "Because it is associated with sexual or excretory activity."


The "Roberts" mentioned in the quote above is the "Chief Justice" of the "Supreme Court". Seriously, these people should not be in a position to decide anything important, if their "chief" can talk like that. And be taken seriously, no less.

(Aside: Chief Justice Roberts believes that "the F-word" is associated with "excretory activity." From this we can safely deduce that Chief Justice Roberts must be into scat sex.)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Really Bad News For Obama

First, there is this story, which shows that presumptive president Obama's elderly aunt has been living in Boston illegally for four years. That's not so bad. He probably had no idea she was here illegally. But it does get worse:

According to Federal Election Commission documents filed by the Obama campaign, Onyango has contributed $260 to Obama over a period of time. Under federal election law, only U.S. citizens or green-card holders are legally permitted to give money to campaigns. Onyango, who listed her employer as the Boston Housing Authority, gave in small increments to the Obama campaign. Her latest contribution was $5 on Sept. 19.


Election laws are ridiculous, arbitrary, capricious, and deliberately complicated. But, hey, the law is the law, right? Obama certainly thinks so, which leads to something even worse for him:

A statement given to the AP by Obama's campaign said, "Senator Obama has no knowledge of her status but obviously believes that any and all appropriate laws be followed."


Does that mean he wants to deport her? That seems like a cold, callous thing to do. Do you really want a president who's that cold and callous? If you had an aunt living in America "illegally" (sheesh) and you had a chance to help her, wouldn't you do it? Not if you're a real "law and order" type, like Obama.

But that's not the worst news for Obama. Apparently Garry Trudeau has created a "Doonesbury" comic strip predicting an Obama win.

I never thought I would say this, but it looks bad for Obama. So bad, in fact, that I have put together a picture of what President McCain will look like. Expect him to be wearing this outfit at his inauguration:

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Exclusive! I Receive A Major Award From the United Nations!

The United Nations, that august international body dedicated to social progress, human rights, and etc, recently named me the second-place winner of their 2008 Email Prize Awards! The exciting email notification I received is pasted below:

United Nations Trust Funds
Switzerland Department of Humanitarian Affairs
Palais des Nations CH-1211 Geneva 10
Switzerland.

:::YEAR 2008 EMAIL PRIZE AWARDS:::

Dear Winner,

We at United Nations (UN) global office likes to
officially congratulate you for the draw that was just held by our
organization which featured you as the second place winner.

Our organisation holds promotions each year just to promote our global
publicity and reputations as we plan to exploit more corners of the world.

This promotion is just one of various ways we are presently using to
achieve this global vision of ours. Your email address with Winning
ID............(UNO-154/4456/011) was luckily drawn to be this year's
second place winner a cash prize of $550,000 United States Dollars. This
money we believe will enable you make some impact in the society.

Ensure you contact Mr.Micheal Solomon who is our claims officer in Africa.
(Nigeria) for more information and can understand only english
languages.See details of him below


Name : Mr.Micheal Solomon
Email : unitednations_claimsdept@live.com
Tell: +2347031363348


When contacting the claims Officer you should include the following

*** Your Full Name:.........................
*** Address:................................
*** Phone number:.........................
*** Age:...............
*** Gender:....................
*** Occupation:......................
*** Winning email and Winning ID:......................
*** Marital Status:.....................
*** Country:...................

We know you must be excited and very happy about this news you have just
received from us and the truth is that we are doing this to put smiles
into homes and hearts of people worldwide. Special greetings from the
entire Staffs of United Nations Trust Funds Worldwide.

Signed,
Mr Ban Ki-moon
(UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL.)
________________________________________________________
*NOTE** You must be 18years or older to claim. Late response is not
accepted.Misconduct and non adherence to instructions leads to prize
termination


I'd better hurry up and contact "Mr.Micheal Solomon" right away to claim my prize! (I hope that posting this exciting news on my blog isn't construed as "misconduct and non-adherence to instructions"! I'd hate to miss out on that $550K!)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Twist Endings From My Top-10 Dreams of the Last Decade

SPOILER ALERT! What follows are the twist endings of ten of my all-time best dreams.

(1) I close the medicine chest and in the mirror I see the man who killed the dolphins, standing in the bathtub and covered in dolphin gore. He holds a long knife, and lunges toward me. Terrified, I am unable to move from the spot, and expect at any moment to be sliced to pieces. His body seems suspended in midair as it moves centimeter by horrific centimeter, ever closer to me. Tired of waiting, I leave the bathroom and travel back to third grade where I am expected to take a pop quiz testing my knowledge of the multiplication tables. All but one question is “4 x 3 =”. The answer to the odd question reveals the name of the killer (“George Clooney.” Not the famous actor George Clooney, but the dolphin killer George Clooney, who can’t help me get my spec script produced).

(2) Knowing that most cavemen hate the water, I stand on the edge of the lake and laugh at the caveman standing on the other side. Then, shockingly, he dives into the lake and begins swimming toward me in a relaxed but speedy movement that shows he’s been swimming a long time. Frantic and confused, I turn to run, and find myself in the hardware store that had been robbed by the religious zealots. The clerk who I thought was my friend turns out to be the brother of the “caveman,” who has just entered the hardware store, no longer wearing his caveman outfit. The two of them attack me with the same power tools that my father had once tried to teach me to use.

(3) The curtain rises and Carol Channing and Marilu Henner, in a pair of matching sequin-covered jumpsuits and top hats, take the stage. Their opening number is a rousing paean to their enduring friendship called “Carolu!,” which also gives the show its title. I am forced to admit that the show is good enough to save the theater, but for some reason the critic John Simon, sitting three rows ahead of me, disagrees.

(4) The bus driver turns toward me and I realize that it is my mother. In the same voice I’d heard emanating from the mysterious figure peeking at me and my girlfriend through my window on the night of the thunderstorm, she exclaims, “Why are you looking at me like that? Just pretend I’m not even here, like you always do!” Suddenly, she loses control of the bus, and it drives over a cliff-- falling, ever falling, seemingly never to land.

(5) My talk show is a failure in the ratings, and the organized crime boss who sponsored the show has called me into his office. Thinking I’m to be a “made man,” I step into the room feeling cocky, and I’m shocked to discover that I’m in the kitchen from the restaurant where I had my first job. I cannot leave until all the dishes are clean, and there is an infinite number of dishes. I ask one of my coworkers if this is just a dream, explaining that if it is just a dream, I’m not going to bother. He laughs and says, “If this were a dream, would I do this?” He then just stands there, staring at me, doing nothing.

(6) The man I thought was my best friend from grade school is actually a demon from hell, sent to torment me as part of a plan to steal my motorboat. When he steals the boat he laughs a laugh that echoes throughout time, and as the boat pulls away from the dock I see my girlfriend from first grade in the window, waving at me forlornly. She had stowed away in my memory, just as I’d asked her to!

(7) My girlfriend rescues her poodle from the burning house, leaving me lying helpless in the middle of the room with a heavy wooden beam covering my legs. As she passes me, she says, “You can save yourself, but my princess is hungry!”

(8) I slowly come to realize that the woman I see at the far end of the arroyo is a woman I once spoke to in La Posada at the University of New Mexico. Now that I am single, we are free to go out! Anxious to explain the situation- I’m sure she’ll be pleased- I start to run toward her, but the faster I run, the further away she seems. I decide that I should jump, so I begin jumping, each time rising higher in the air, but making no forward progress. On my last jump I can see that she is speaking to my mother, who is introducing her to the man for whom my college girlfriend left me.

(9) The comedienne Roseanne reveals her diet secrets, which involve lopping off her own limbs. She lays on the couch, armless and legless. "I lawst a good fif'y-six'y poun's this way, easy," she drones. I'm appalled both by her actions, and by the fact that our society favors thinness, which seems to have driven her to such a desperate act.

(10) The doctor who has just told me that I have a terrible, life-threatening disease tips over, and I realize that he’s a cardboard cut-out. I rise and step over the flat body, making my way to the mirror on the far side of the room. In my reflection I see that all my teeth are loose, and I realize that no one could ever truly love me.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Clown Haiku



Some people are afraid of clowns.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What My Vonage Visual Voicemail Thinks of the Republican Robocalls

I have Vonage, which is a pretty decent phone service. I'd be more enthusiastic if I actually used my landline on a regular basis, which I don't, because this is the 21st century and I have a cell phone. Vonage has been trying to get me to upgrade to their Visual Voicemail feature, and to that end they've given me ten free visual voicemails to see if I like the feature. Somehow, someone or something transcribes the message I receive on voicemail, and sends it to me as an email. But the whatever that transcribes the voicemails is imperfect. Case in point, the voicemail I just received today:

"Hello, I'm calling for the (??) because this is election is to important for you not to vote absentee. Democrats of black attempt to out (??) stream procedure such as partial birth abortion. And will appoint extreme activate judges who don't support our values. You should have receive that absentee balloting your male box. Please spill it out send in and use the power of your vote to protect a traditional I win values. This call was paid by the republic in party of (??) 515-282-8105 and no authorize by any candidate or candidate committee. "


I think this is one of those Republican robocalls that everyone's complaining about. The thing is, the message would be garbled anyway, even if the voicemail had been transcribed perfectly.* It's kind of charming that they called me with this, I guess. But irritating, because now I only have four free visual voicemails left in my trial period.

(By the way, I am aware the term "male box" is an oxymoron.)

*That is what is known as "political commentary."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Putting President Bush's Approval Rating Into Perspective

According to this poll, 20% of Americans approve of the job President Bush is doing. That's 20 out of every 100 people in the entire United States of America. There are approximately 300 million people in the US. 20% of that is 60 million people.

Think about that for a minute. 60 MILLION PEOPLE APPROVE OF THE JOB PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH IS DOING. That is a staggering number. It is a "60" with six zeros following it. It looks like this: 60,000,000. As of right now, approximately 5 people approve of the job I am doing, and one of them is a poodle. I would give almost anything to have the approval of 60 million people.

How many people approve of the job YOU are doing, dear reader (please don't get defensive- I approve of the job you're doing)?

It's possible this is just more bias from the MSM. They will report the "20%" number, but they won't put it into perspective. 60 million is a lot of people, and it's an impressive number. Remember that the next time you're watching Keith Olbermann.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"The Pick-Up Artist" is the best reality show on television, ever

"The Pick-Up Artist" is the best reality show on tv, ever. In it, a group of socially "challenged" young men, described by the show as "girls think of him as a friend," or "26 year-old virgin," or "never kissed a girl," or "voice cracks around women" are given lessons on how to start conversations with people- mostly women- in social situations. Their teacher is a guy who calls himself "Mystery", who dresses like a supervillain but has only the purest intentions in his quest to help unsocial doofuses achieve their dreams of actually-- you know, um, talking to total strangers.

The second season has just started, and in the first two episodes the students have picked out new wardrobes for their "avatars", gone to a Bingo game at a retirement center to chat up the elderly ladies, and been given the briefest tutoring in how to "open sets" (i.e., "start conversations"), which they then use in a club in which hidden cameras have been set up to catch every lovely minute.

The show is inspiring because the students are so eager to learn, yet still hamstrung by their painful shyness, and the viewer gets to feel a vicarious sense of achievement as they apply what they've learned from Mystery. Part of the brilliance is that despite being called "The Pick-Up Artist," the students aren't just learning about how to pick up women. They're learning to have the confidence to approach any social situation without fear. The focus is on speaking to attractive women because the students are actually afraid to do that. If hey can learn to speak to attractive women, they can learn to speak to anyone.

The best parts of the show occur when the students are sent to "open sets" in unusual settings, like the Bingo game in the second episode this season. Last season, the students had to open sets on an outdoor running path, and outdoor coffee house (in the middle of the day), and a strip club. (One of the students actually made out with a stripper in the back seat of a limo.)

Anyway, for what it's worth, I have a few humble suggestions, if the producers are reading this and contemplating a third season:

(1) MISSIONARIES: Mystery's students will be sent to pick up women who volunteer to go spend a year in some dung-hill country trying to convert starving people. Obviously these women are already quite impressionable, so this should probably be an early challenge. (Note: The first student who makes a joke about "the missionary position" will be automatically eliminated.)

(2) WOMEN'S PRISON: With this crowd, throwing out the wrong "neg" could get you shanked in the kidneys. The students will learn just how far they can push themselves without offending a woman while they attempt to "demonstrate higher value." (Perhaps the student who won a reward challenge would get to take cigarettes with him?)

(3) CONGRESS: There are more women in the House of Representatives than ever before. Probably. That seems likely to me. Anyway, women with power are still women, and the same rules apply to them as apply to the women you meet in clubs. Try wearing "bling" to get their attention- the more expensive it looks, the better, since they love to tax things.

(4) WNBA GAME: Just because they're all Lesbians doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them. Students could be taught opening gambits like, "Have you heard the new Indigo Girls CD?" or "Where's the nearest Home Depot?" The student who actually picks up a woman during this challenge will be automatically eliminated, since all the contestants are supposed to be men.

(5) YOUR OWN FAMILY REUNION: I'm thinking maybe this should be the last challenge. The ultimate pick-up artist should be able to pick up women any time, anywhere, including among his own relatives. The winning student should be able to "bounce" at least a cousin.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Lost My Virginity To Grover From "Sesame Street"


When I was a child, I was a big fan of “Sesame Street.” It was entertaining and educational, and featured characters that were, in their innocence, aspirational and inspirational.

Grover was my favorite. The lovable monster’s charm came from the fact that he never gave up in spite of the odds, and he never let anyone down, even if it meant running back and forth over and over again to simply teach a stranger the difference between “near” and “far.”

My home was full of Grover-related paraphernalia, from books to vinyl record albums to toys. One of my favorite such toys was the plush Grover doll that was a constant companion. Rarely did Grover leave my side- literally, in the form of the doll, or figuratively, as a friend who came to me ever weekday through the tv screen.

By the time I was three years old, I’d developed a healthy interest in sex- or, what my child’s mind thought of as “sex”. I started rubbing myself up against anything I could find. Perhaps it’s not surprising that I received little satisfaction in this, and soon came to intuit that I needed to rub against something with which I had an emotional connection.



Of course I had an emotional connection with Grover. I lay there in my bed, rubbing against the doll’s soft, sensual plushness. But still- there was no satisfaction, and I thought I knew what the problem was.

About six months earlier, when I was still two years old, I inadvertently walked in on my parents during the act of copulation. I saw my daddy putting his pee spigot into my mother’s oven and I understood, vaguely, that they found the action pleasurable. Perhaps that’s what was lacking in my experience with plush Grover?

Using a pair of dull-edge safety scissors I methodically cut an oven door into the space between Grover’s legs. Up to that point, I had always considered that Grover was a male, but as I was making the cut I wondered why that was. Aside from a gravelly voice, there was really no evidence that Grover was a “he,” and I knew plenty of women, mostly heavy smokers, who had gravelly voices.

Soon enough there was no question in my mind, the evidence was there on my plush toy- Grover was a she, and ready for my pee spigot.



I was satisfied, but I could never watch “Sesame Street” in the same way again. Before that time, I’d always hoped to see Grover in the episodes, and I was disappointed when he didn’t appear. Now, I dreaded seeing him. Whenever he did come on, a feeling of uneasiness would seize me and I’d avert my eyes, pretending I hadn’t seen him. Eventually I’d look at the screen and feign surprise. “Oh, hey Grover. I didn’t see you walk in. Still got those squeaky shoes, huh?”

I felt so inane, for ruining something that up to that point had meant so much to me. And for what? A few moments of fleeting pleasure?

I’m sorry, Grover. And, thank you.





Monday, October 13, 2008

Insights into the Worldwide Financial Crisis

I have finally decided to bring my considerable intellect to the problem of the worldwide financial crisis/market meltdown that is currently gripping the world within its might vise-like grip.

To that end, I decided to read this article about what's going on, when lo and behold, right there in the first paragraph I see they're talking about Bukakke. So now I'm distracted, thinking about Bukakke, and I think, As long as this crisis is about Bukakke anyway, why read the article when you can watch the movie? So I head over to pornhub and do a search for keyword: Bukakke, and do my research.

After a few minutes I'm thinking economics is fun.

Well a little later I'm feeling kind of tired but a little more clear-headed, so I decide I'll try to finish reading the article, especially now that I've done all that background research. Then I see that the word isn't "Bukakke" at all. It's "Bernanke," which I guess is the name of some guy who runs some kind of financial institution or something. So I guess I was wrong, economics isn't as much fun as I thought.

And that's what I have to say about the current financial crisis.

I Do Not Care About When the new Guns N' Roses CD is Coming Out

I am boldly proclaiming that I could not give less of a shit about when the new Guns N' Roses CD is to be released.

Guns N' Roses (or "GNR," as I'm sure their subliterate fans call them) released their last album of new material when I was in high school. I did not care for their music then. I preferred the music of Was (Not Was). For that reason, I was mercilessly beaten by the multitude of GNR fans who infected my high school. They would see me walking past them down the hall and leap from around the corner screaming, "Welcome to the jungle, fag!"* and then pound my face with their fists, all the while taunting, asking if I felt "knocked down, made small" and if I would ever be able to "walk the dinosaur" ever again. (Come to think of it, for a bunch of punks who claimed to hate Was (Not Was), they seemed to know enough about their music to make clever jokes while they pulverized me.)

Anyway, the joke is on them, because they're all successful businessmen, and I put dirty cartoons on the internet. "Welcome to the jungle" indeed.

*Aside: Why would an appreciation for the wry lyrics and driving funk beat of Was (Not Was) imply that I was a homosexual?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Possibly Suspicious Donors To Barack Obama's Presidential Campaign

Here's a list of some of the suspicious names of donors to Barack Obama's presidential campaign, offered without comment:

Claude Fraud

I. M. Notreal

I. Dhue Notexist

Sara Jo Sappho

Harry Muff

K. Y. Gialli

Lance Hunter

Cody Pendant

Ima Foney

Porter Alias

Slick Sputum

Jody Chalupa

Sage Basil Herb

Vanhouten Vulgaris

Dick Hardman

Willie Hummer

Dick Gothard

Sheila Grindstaff

Lucille Snowballs

Hugh D'Mann

Thursday, October 9, 2008

KEEPIN' IT REAL



The opposite of “Keepin’ It Real” is “Keepin’ it Fake,” or “Fakin’ It.” As far as I’m concerned, there’s no room for that in MY world, where I am constantly striving to live by my three-word motto: Keep It Real.

If you want an example, here it is: I went to the grocery store awhile back, as I was hungering for my favorite dessert snack, Oreo Double Stuf cookies. I love the Oreo cookies, and my favorite part of the cookie is the cream center. So if you can get double the best part, as in the Double Stuf cookies, why don’t you do it? Now THAT’S what I call Keepin’ It Real.

Anyway, I am walking back to the car when I spies out of the corner of my very real eyes, a sign telling the patrons that the management of the grocery store can’t be held responsible for— well, just you take a look at this foolishness for yourself, kept real here by my cell phone camera:



Oh, hell no!

Oh, no they didn’t!

“You’re sorry?” Are you REALLY sorry? Because you don’t seem sorry to me. It’s YOUR foolish policy, so you damn well better not apologize for it, unless you are being FAKE, which is definitely what you are. If you don’t want to be responsible for cart damage to vehicles, that’s fine. We can fight that part out in court, if one of your damn carts damages my ride. But that “we’re sorry” business is pure condescending foolishness.

That is most definitely NOT Keepin’ It Real- that is Fakin’ It with a capital eff-eye!

It’s tough to Keep It Real, in a world such as this one. But ever do I strive for it. Because I’ve just got to—

you know.

KEEP IT REAL!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Presidential Debate Thread for Tuesday October 7, 2008

I have a fine box of wine, foie gras, and a bag of bite-sized Snickers bars, so I am ready to watch this thing!

First of all, this thing better not pre-empt my beloved “House,” my current third favorite television show after “Californication” and “Dexter” (which is also one of Republican candidate John McCain’s favorite tv shows- a big point in his favor. I might actually vote for him if he says something positive about “Cheaters”). I will be POed, as my mother used to say.

Okay, “House” is on tonight, but it’s a repeat. At whom should I direct my wrath- McCain, Obama, or Fox? I’m thinking Fox, since they didn’t HAVE to run a repeat, so McCain and Obama have seriously dodged a bullet tonight. Poor choice of words in that last sentence- I hope the justice department isn’t reading this blog!

The question on everyone’s lips is, “Will this debate get as high a rating as the one the vice presidential candidates got?” The answer is “no,” unless they can get Joe Biden to make to a guest appearance.

Surprise! There’s Joe Biden! Oh, wait, that’s John McCain. Dammit, he looks old and used up.

I tell you, I can completely understand why Joe Biden called Obama clean and articulate. He’s both those things, and so much more!

Both candidates claim to be concerned about global warming, but neither candidate will vow to end all human life as we know it, the only sure way to completely eliminate mankind’s influence on the environment. Clearly, neither is serious about this issue.

The economy isn’t doing as well as some would like. Each candidate would like you to know that he has the right plan to get it to do what they think it should. That is reassuring.

Speaking of which, I just opened my quarterly 401(k) statement. In April it was worth $28,943.18. Today it is worth $3.29; not even enough for a McRib meal. I should have invested more in tobacco companies.

Each of these candidates has made regrettable decisions in the past, but this election is about the future! So which one of them has the greater future? My money is on the one with the most patriotism (i.e., “Love of his country, America”).

They’re dancing around this, so I’ll come out and say it: “Voters are really, really stupid.”

Obama just said he would only raise taxes on the “rich,” then explained that the definition of “rich” means having a 401(k) with more than $3.00 in it. I’m torn: On the one hand, I don’t want my taxes raised. On the other, now that I’m “rich,” it should be easier to score with the ladies.

We could win the war against terror if only terror would take on some kind of tangible form, possibly something resembling Cthulu. Seriously, John McCain would bomb the shit out of Cthulu, while Obama wasted his time trying to figure out which orifice to speak to.

Observation: These are two oily politicians.

Subsequent observation: When I say “oily,” I mean it in the sense that often in the animal kingdom certain creatures exude an oil-like substance that protects them from the outside world. I’m thinking in particular of the slug. So when I say McCain and Obama are “oily,” it isn’t meant as an insult- I’m simply comparing them to slugs.

Obama’s smile is winning, and so is he. An optimistic country, the voters like a candidate who knows how to “smile.”

McCain’s debate strategy, consisting of rending his clothing and kicking Obama in the shins, is an inspired choice, I think, and definitely plays to his strengths, while highlighting Obama’s weaknesses (he’s a weenie).

Obama’s counter, to shake his head sadly and compliment McCain’s shoes, also seems highly inspired. I’d like to see what the focus groups are dialing in on that one!

Here’s an idea: Put these two verbal gladiators into the Mixed Martial Arts arena and turn them loose on each other for three rounds. This would manage to bring legitimacy to both Mixed Martial Arts and the presidential race.

As long as you’re getting up anyway, could you bring out that other box of wine? Thanks.

I’m sick of all this high hat shit about “negative campaigning.” Until someone gets called a pedophile, it’s not “negative.”

Addendum to the above: Until someone gets called a pedophile WITHOUT CAUSE.

This is cute. Obama has just brought those little kids from the “We’re gonna spread happiness” video on the stage to sing the answer to the question about his health care plan. He’s the winner of this debate for sure!

For some reason, McCain seems to think the cloak he’s just put over his shoulders makes him invisible. He’s running around the stage making strange noises and calling out, “Where am I? Am I over here?… Or over here?”

Someone in the audience just slit open the throat of a lamb and threw the carcass on stage, at Obama’s feet. Awkward, but effective.

Oops. Turns out the lamb was intended as a sacrifice to Obama, and not a satire. Less effective.

If Dr Gregory House were the debate moderator, he wouldn’t put up with any of this shit- he would say something withering and biting, then he would tell them to shut up and realize exactly what the problem was, and then he’d tell them to start administering dilutinol or something.

Oh, man- John McCain just said Obama is treating the voters like the wronged people on the tv show “Cheaters.” I can’t believe this has happened. Looks like I’ll have to change my vote after all.

Another fantastic debate, in which the American people learned a lot of shit. I hope they’re happy and ready to make an intelligent decision. Tonight's clear winner: Democracy.