Friday, January 25, 2008

Hollywood in a Minuet

All the Hollywood gossip and news you can read in one minuet!:

My sources tell me that sales of Heath candy bars have increased more than 30% since the tragic death of actor Heath Ledger. While there’s no direct connection between the candy company and the actor, his grieving fans are looking for some way, any way, to honor his memory… Speaking of Mr Ledger’s untimely demise, I’m told that the AP, which had been working on an obituary for troubled starlet Britney Spears (so as to be prepared in case of her untimely demise), was caught off guard by the death and spent nearly SEVEN MINUTES putting together an obituary and getting it out on the wires. Even with the long lag time, the obit was still riddled with errors, including claiming that the 28 year old actor had been a “Mousketeer” in his youth, and had two sons with Kevin Federline… By the way, regarding reports that Mr Ledger was dating Mary Kate Olsen, my sources tell me that the troubled actor was so out of sorts at the end that he actually thought he was dating MK’s sister Ashley… Speaking of Britney, the troubled starlet finally made an appearance at the Los Angeles County Courthouse this week, for a custody hearing. The only trouble was, the hearing had taken place almost a full week before she arrived! Sources in the courthouse say that when she heard the news she exclaimed that she would just go back in time to make the appointment, and officials spent an hour explaining that time, at least as we understand it now, is immutable, and traveling backward in time is theoretically impossible. Britney apparently took the news in stride, hitting Starbucks and then a tanning salon…I’m hearing that Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend, a professional athlete of some sort, did something this week but, frankly, I couldn’t give less of a shit… I’m told that now that troubled singer Amy Winehouse has entered rehab, she’ll be changing the lyrics to her famous hit song to “I’m gonna go to rehab I said, Yes eventually”. That way they’ll be as fully accurate as Ms Winehouse’s 12 step program requires… Women across America are reportedly angry with talk show queen Oprah Winfrey for campaigning for Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. I don’t mean to generalize, but this just confirms what I’ve said all along: Women are racist… “American Idol” debuted this week to record numbers once again, and controversy, as several contestants turned out to be professionals with pre-existing record deals. Since past winners and finalists are losing their deals left and right, it seems like a good idea to have a deal in place before auditioning… Academy Award nominations were released this week, and I was surprised to learn that I’d actually seen one of the nominated films (“Ratattouie”)… Speaking of the Academy Awards, Angelina Jolie got over the sting of being snubbed by announcing that she was pregnant with twins. If only she’d been nominated, we wouldn’t have ever heard anything about it… Look for Sylvester Stallone’s latest, “Ram Beau” to hit number one at the box office this weekend. My gurus are telling me that this film, which features hardcore man-on-man action, is looking to “double penetrate” both the action and gay porn markets. Number two should be “Cloverfield,” while number three is anyone’s guess (“27 Dresses”)…

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