Friday, January 18, 2008


I am a Hollywood insider, and my gurus are predicting big things for this weekend, as we'll see from the below predictions! With plenty of action, comedy, adventure, and family fun for people to choose from, Hollywood has once again said, "Please watch our product" to the consumers, that is to say the hoi polloi who are expected to hit the theaters! And hit it they will as evidenced by what our audience tracking shows. Here's what to expect for this weekend:

1. ZANY DICK!: An eccentric, bald surgeon grafts a sexual deviant's penis onto the pianist husband of a woman he loves. This film has a number of factors working against it. For one thing, the subject matter is both obscure and challenging, meaning that turnout will likely consist primarily of intellectuals, which are let's admit this few in number. Furthermore, films with exclamation points in their titles tend to do only so-so box office (the notable exception to this ordinarily hard-and-fast rule, "Airplane!", was released in the early 1980s. Also, this film isn't actually opening in theaters, but is available online. Nevertheless, I expect some full theaters for this one-- look for $45 million Friday, a slight bump to $67 million on Saturday thanks to matinees, and a drop to about $15 million on Sunday, as much of this film's target audience will be attending church services. Still, a surprising cume.

2. CLOVERFIELD: Ah, to run and play in a field of clovers! That's just what this film offers, maybe. Actually, no one knows what this film is about, as the studio has cannily not allowed any information about this film to get out at all, including the names of any of the actors, writers, directors, producers, etc associated with it. The studio will likely be rewarded with a surprising amount of money, but in keeping with the secretive nature of this film, the totals will not be released.

3. THE BUCKET LIST: In last week's surprise number one film, audiences cheered as they watched two wizened old geezers, played by two elderly Academy Award winners, slowly, painfully, and bodily fluidly deal with the pain of erectile disfunction. Not to give away the ending, but they overcome this problem together, each using their hands to help the other. It is literally touching. It's a testament to the charm of the film's charismatic actors, who are so old I've forgotten their names, that this film will earn another $621 million this weekend, for a cume that would probably give the characters a heart attack if they heard it, so I won't mention it here.

4. FIRST SUNDAY: A black con man? No way; how'd they think of that? A movie featuring multi-talented Grammy and Oscar winning actor Ice Cube that has a day of the week in the title? No way; how'd they think of that? And how can audiences resist this charming film about a man who cons a church group of elderly parishoners into taking on the Dallas Cowboys in a pickup game, in which the winners drink from the cup of glory, and the losers drink from the loving cup. Spoiler alert: The Cowboys win, when a weepy T.O. steps on and snaps the neck of the parishoners' top defensive end, the lovably old Tracey Morgan. $754 million for a film with surprisingly broad appeal.

5. MAD MONEY: Want to make a dollar mad? Lower its value against other world currencies. At the moment, only Zimbabwe's currency is worth less than the United States', which is why this amazingly entertaining comedy about fiscal policy is so important for Americans. Films about economics always do well, as most Americans find the subject fascinating and make great judgments based on a thorough understanding of it, and when you add in the star wattage of Katie Holmes, Diane Keaton, and Queen Latifah, this film will have absolutely no chance of failure at the box office. My gurus are telling me that awareness of this film is so high that people are actually offending when you ask them if they've heard of it! Perhaps "found money" would be a more appropriate title for this film, which is sure to make at least $623 million this weekend!

6. JUNO: People are telling me good things about this film, about a little girl who uses a cell phone camera to snap photos of herself in what are later termed "provocative" poses. She is later sentenced to live under a bridge, because it's the only part of town that's not within 1,000 feet of a public school. Expect another $432 million for this delightful charmer, that's charming everyone from the old to the young, and everyone in between!

7. 27 DRESSES: The woman from "Grey's Anatomy," who was in "Knocked Up," plays a woman whose fiancee cheats on her with her own sister, at her wedding, during the wedding ceremony, in front of her and all the guests! Needless to say, she joins in the fun, and there's a huge orgy in which everyone has sex with everyone else. At the end of it all, 27 dresses are left on the floor, with no one willing to claim them. A tough sell, but expect it to earn about $455 million, because people just love that "Grey's Anatomy."

8. NATIONAL TREASURE: ETC: This film has already earned a staggering amount of money, and anything I say about it will only sully it, so I won't, except to mention that this film has a four-tiered appeal, a term I just made up. Look for it to increase it's cume to an even more staggering amount by the end of this weekend.

9. ALVIN AND THE LEGEND: Three chipmunks are the last humans on earth. They sit down at a desk. There is a knock at the door. More than just a chilling story swiped from Fredric Brown, this is actually a cautionary tale about what happens when humans give up their moral responsibility for taking care of the earth, and instead leave the job to lovable chipmunks. Anyway, people eat this stuff with a spoon-- $567 million this weekend.

10. THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING: A VEGGIE TALES MOVIE: Imagine vegetables dressed as pirates. Can you imagine anything more fun than that? I can't! I hear the vegetables in this film are genetically modified, which is causing big problem for the film overseas, particularly in parts of Europe, which are refusing to screen it. But who cares about Europe! It's full of Europeans! This film will earn $459 million this weekend; take that, Pierre!

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