Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Another Inside Politics column!

I'm thinking about changing the title of my exclusive political column to "First of All," where I employ an annoying and trite "first of all" opening to each paragraph. Here I try out a "First of All" mini-column:

First of all, regarding Hillary Clinton's tears: My sources tell me that they were real, and the reasons they were shed were threefold: First, after campaigning non-stop for nearly four years, Ms Clinton has developed painful bunions on her feet (which could be avoided if only the fashion-conscious Senator would wear sensible shoes); and second, she has recently been made aware of the nefarious underground organization known as Anybody But US Senator Hillary, or ABUSH, which has mobilized against her for tomorrow's voting. ABUSH's stated goal is the total obliteration of Ms Clinton's presidential campaign, and from what I'm hearing they are set to accomplish this Super Tuesday, as she will win none of the states holding elections, and go down to ignominious defeat, much like the cheating New England Patriots did in the Super Bowl last Sunday. Thirdly, the former "first lady" was supposed to win the nomination easily, but she hasn't; she's had to work for it, in spite of endorsements from Jack Nicholson et al. That is very wearying.

First of all, my sources tell me that conservatives are invigorated by new polling suggesting that the presidential race's only true conservative, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, may be pulling within 17 percentage points of John McCain. Apparently, the surge can be attributed to a coalescing of the conservative standard-bearers, National Review magazine and Rush Limbaugh's radio program behind the candidate who's been called "at least as conservative as G. W. Bush." I'm also hearing that Mr Romney's Mormonism, far from being a liability, is actually considered an asset, as the Senator from Arizona is (allegedly) an atheist.

First of all, speaking of atheists, the "Sinister Minister" (because he's left-handed, according to my sources) Mike Huckabee has agreed to stay in the race as a favor to his friend John McCain, with the goal being to try to suck away votes from the deeply religious Romney. McCain has apparently promised Huckabee a cabinet position in a possible McCain administration: Secretary of Keeping Things Decent. My sources tell me that McCain is hoping that the illiterate Huckabee doesn't find out there's no such cabinet department until after Super Tuesday.

First of all, Senator Barack Obama's fundraising for the fourth quarter of 2007 was no fluke. He earned just slightly more than Republican representative Ron Paul, and my sources tell me that this means that Obama is now considered at least as viable as Paul. That is, in certain states like "California" and "Kansas". My sources are also telling me that when Obama wins every Super Tuesday primary (thanks to ABUSH, see above), he will attempt to avoid gloating about it by biting the inside of his lip as he gives his victory speeches, one for each state. It should take about four hours (it would be longer, but I'm told Obama takes Montana and North Dakota about as seriously as I do, meaning they'll each only get a few seconds).

First of all, I am tired of the "first of all" thing. First of all, I am going to take a nap.

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