Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Horoscopes for the remaining Presidential candidates (except Ron Paul)

Here are the astrological forecasts for the remaining presidential contenders. As you know, astrology is a science, just like astronomy, only more so. A lot of careful thought and study went into these. Here they are:

MITT ROMNEY: You are an ambitious person by nature. For instance, you want to be president. You have amassed a great fortune because of your stick-to-it-iveness. This quality is sure to help you in all future endeavors, whatever those endeavors may be (you will not be president).

MIKE HUCKABEE: Today is the perfect day to putter around the house with the family, particularly the dangerously psychopathic ones. Try to prevent any of them from hanging dogs from trees. You are quick with a homily, which makes you charming, but you might want to "change things up" a bit, by which I mean read a book or something, you're a moron.

JOHN MCCAIN: People like and respect you, because if they don't you physically attack them. A wise man once said it is better to be feared than liked, which is the polite thing to say to someone who is a total thug and bully. You will be just as good a president as the current one, only a little more assertive. Try not to eat the chicken dish; I don't want to make you paranoid, but I think someone is trying to poison you.

BARACK OBAMA: Today's your big day! If you're running for something, see if you can get as many people as possible involved in some crazy scheme you're cooking up. It's a good time to try something crazy! You're so close you can almost taste it! Now's the time to really seal the deal; perhaps by appearing somewhere in a funny hat, and without a shirt. Do not listen to your strategist or adviser who might think that's a crazy idea. Now is the time to "go with your gut." You can trust your gut, especially if it's telling you to do what this horoscope is telling you to do.

HILLARY CLINTON: Someone close to you needs serious help. Why not take a day or two and talk to this man, maybe get him to stop campaigning for you? People really like you, because you know what's best for them, even if they don't. Try not to worry when you feel rejected. You know that in the long run they will come back to you, because deep down they know only you can help. And if they don't know that, then they're not worth ruling over anyway.

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