Wednesday, February 27, 2008

(Live Blogging) LateBlogging Last Night's Democratic Presidential Candidates Debate

I missed the debate last night, but I'm going to "LateBlog" (copyright by me, 2008) it right now. Here we go:

I understand that it was moderated by Tim Russert, and someone else. Unless that someone else was Barack Obama, then it was a waste, because Tim Russert is a stinker. Anyway, the two candidates probably strode out to their podiums, Barack Obama looking presidential, downright regal, probably, while Shrillery looked like a beat down old hag. Obama smiles graciously, probably, while the other candidate's mouth is twisted into an almost comical snarl.

5 minutes in: They talk about health care. Or, rather, our lord and savior Barack Obama, the next president of the United States, talks about health care, and his actual plan to do something about it. Pillory Clinton just shrieks something that is audible only to dogs, then cackles malevolently.

10 minutes in: They talk about Iraq. Killery Clinton says that she regrets her vote for Iraq, because she didn't realize that the current President would turn out to be an inept jerk who didn't know what the hell he was doing. We were all surprised by that one, stupidhead! She is so stupid, and looks especially stupid standing (probably) next to Barack Obama, who is awesome. He just kind of smiles benevolently. He is so much better than the rest of us. If I was in a debate with HRC (Her Royal Crapness), I would probably just start calling her names, which is what she deserves, instead of just standing there and telling her about my great record and all my great plans for the country, which is what Barack Obama is probably doing. Or, did, since the debate was last night.

15 minutes in:

Dear Barack Obama,

You are great! I can't wait for you to become president, so that everything will be great again, and our faith in our country is restored! You're better than great; you are awesome!

Sincerely,
Ricky Sprague


16 minutes in:

Dear Silly Clinton:

You stink. Get off the stage. Why don't find a vagina to wash out, because you are a douchebag. Get out of the presidential race and endorse Barack Obama, then crawl back under your stone.

Sincerely,
Ricky Sprague


21 minutes in: Stupid Clinton says that she is more electable against John McCain. Big deal, so am I, and I am a stupid blogger who doesn't hardly know anything. Barack Obama surprises me by giving me a shoutout, when he says, "Big deal. Ricky Sprague, a stupid blogger who doesn't hardly know anything could get elected against John McCain." It's like he read my mind, which he can probably do, because he the best in the entire world, and you love it that the world is finally waking up to this fact!

28 minutes in: Distillery Clinton admits to being a raving dipsomaniac. She is terrible. Barack Obama, who is awesome, encourages her to get help. He magnanimously tells her that "the country needs" her. This is the first time in his life that the otherwise perfect Barack Obama has lied. He is fantastic.

35 minutes in: HRC (Hating, Raging, Crummy person) says that she will get out of the race when she feels the time is right. Well, the time is right now; I'm not sure what world you're living in, but nobody wants you there, this debate would be so much better if it were only Barack Obama up there, and you were gone away to some cave, cooking your laundry in a giant pot, and you mistake the laundry for soup one day, and you take a sip of the hot water from the pot, and get like a mouthful of sock or something. You stink, HRC!

40 minutes in: The election is held early, much to everyone's surprise, and Barack Obama is elected president (which should surprise no one except Stinkery Clinton)! Debate is over, Obama is the winner, by a landslide!

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