Friday, February 1, 2008


As you all may know, I am something of a Hollywood insider. This standing is both a blessing and a curse. For instance, I am deeply troubled by the troubling troubles of pop diva Britney Spears. Because of my insider status I am extremely close to Ms Spears (we allegedly slept together) so I feel I can say the following: She is troubled. I hope that she gets the help she needs, whatever that may be. I realize this is a bold statement, sure to cause some controversy; nevertheless, it must be said. How will Ms Spears' troubles affect this weekend's box office take? We must consider this when making our predictions.

Another thing to consider is the so-called "Super" Bowl. This allegedly entertaining "professional sporting event" features the top teams in American football, the kind played with the more ovate ball, and pads and helmets, in which the members of said teams run into each other as fast as they can, patting themselves on the buttocks when they've scored a "goal." I know much about the sport, as I am a true "sportsman," and I feel that this event, which regularly garners thousands upon thousands of viewers, some might even say millions of viewers, will affect Sunday's box office returns. One of the teams, the "Patriots" (the true refuge of a scoundrel, as my sources tell me the team is comprised solely of scoundrels) is attempting to become the first team to "undefeated" in a season. Good luck in attempting to achieve that incredibly worthy goal, you macrocephalic nightmares. Now, without further ado-- on to the box office predictions!

1. MY DEAD WIFE: This charmer features the romantic story of a young man who cannot get over the death of his wife. So he digs up her rotting corpse and marries her. It's a little early for Valentine's Day, but my gurus are telling me that the women are going to emotionally blackmail their husbands and boyfriends into taking them to see this film (but don't feel too bad for the guys, as they should be placated by the fact that it features a hardcore sex scene between Eva Longoria and Katherine Heigl. too bad they both play rotting corpses and wear heavy prosthetics). On any other weekend I'd say it would make $692 million, but because of poor Britney's troubles, and the super bowl, let's call it only $321 million, for a disappointing take.

2. RIMBAUD: FIRST POET: Forget the so-called "super" bowl. The true patriot this weekend is in theaters, and if you're a true patriot you won't miss this exciting film, as Sylvester Stallone plays the famous French poet as an American ass-kicker. In Burma, I think, although the location doesn't really matter; what matters is that he's bringing American values to some foreign land that really needs it. Taking all factors into consideration, look for this film to earn about $45.

3. STRANGE EYE: A group of guys with a tv show about picking up chicks get more than they bargained for in this sexy thriller starring Jessica Alba as a woman whose recently-transplanted eyes see the sexual histories of everyone she comes into contact with. The realistic twist is that she ends up with the virginal comic book collector at the end. This is what everyone loves about her, and why her films always do so well. It should make about $37.

4. MEET THE TARTANS: The Scottish are one scary group of people. Do not mess with them. I don't want to spread any prejudices, but I hear that they eat babies. Anyway, this is a horror film about the kilts they wear. Or, rather, the patterns on the kilts they wear. It's actually more of a Warholesque film in which the camera is held steady on a series of close-up images of fabrics with criss-crossing patterns in them. Exciting stuff, but let's be honest in any other weekend it's predicted $25 take wouldn't even get it into the top 100. I suppose it has the troubled Ms Spears to thank for this.

5. CLOVERSOMETHING: There's supposed to be some big mystery about this. Here's a mystery for you: What will happen to poor Ms Spears??? $22.50.

6. HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME: In this scary horror film, the troubled Ms Britney Spears is abducted by family members and placed against her will in a lunatic asylum, modeled after the infamous British institution Bedlam. A webcam is placed in her room, and a website set up so that her fans can watch her "24/7". The more they watch, the crazier Ms Spears is driven, until by the end you realize that you, the viewer, are complicit in the dementia of a poor young girl that I might or might not have slept with (allegedly). This is tasteless, and I am officially opposed to it, although I've already seen it twice. We should get another $20.00 or so.

7. HANNAH MONTANA IN A BIKINI: This film is opening in only one theater, but parents are actually selling their children to get tickets (which is ironic, because they're trying to get tickets for the children they're selling). Anyway, this is going to be a MONSTER hit, but not this weekend because of what's happening with poor Britney, and the super bowl. $19.50.

8. ABONEMENT: This is porn for sophisticated people. It's based on a serious novel, and it has lots of sex, but no one has any fun in it, so you know it's serious. Also, Keira Knightly is in it, and everyone talks "British." $17.

9. THERE WILL BE BLOOD OVER THERE: Hillbilly rednecks get busy digging for gold in this light-hearted family comedy featuring Larry the Cable Guy as a gold digger who accidentally sticks an axe in his foot, falls into holes, and generally injures himself, all to comic effect. I'm told the film also features one of the "Desperate Housewives," but not the one you've heard of. Daniel Day Lewis also stars as Larry the Cable Guy's put-upon probation officer, who learns the true meaning of the word "no-talent" (which might actually be two words). Let's say $15.00 for this one.

I've exceeded my word count for this weekend, so I can't tell you that the tenth film will be "Jewno," a film about an anti-semite (Mike Huckabee) who runs a candy store. Eventually he learns that people of the Jewish faith are just that-- people, with hopes and dreams just like the rest of them. If you prick them, for instance, they do in fact bleed. $6.00, for a disappointing weekend take, but considering the fact that the country is still reeling from the troubles in Ms Spears' life, it's the best they could hope for. Thank you for reading.

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