Thursday, February 7, 2008


Once again I show off my insider status as regards Hollywood by dazzling you with my iron-clad foolproof predictions for the weekend box office. These predictions are arrived at by a complicated scientific formula that takes into account such factors as audience awareness, promotions and marketing, and other things that would amaze you if you heard what they were (I have a spreadsheet). So please read and be impressed, as happens every week:

1. SCREAMING GIRLS IN 3-D: This movie explores the cult surrounding that girl whose father is the "Achy Breaky Heart Guy." It made about $789 million last weekend, and should top $982 million this weekend, because little girls are forcing their parents to take them. The audiences are terrifying. Soon, they will take over the world. I mean that literally. You know how adults are always saying ridiculous things like "the children are our future," and "I'm voting for kids"? Well, check out this film and see what you're actually "voting" for. They will assimilate you.

2. THE I: Jessica Alba portrays a woman who loses all her appeal after she's impregnated by some no-name jackass. $234 million.

3. THE JUNO LIST: Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman portray two old men who are dying of explosive diarrhea. They make a vow to dp a teenage girl before they pass on, and little Juno, a "whip smart" 16 year old girl, responds to their Craigs listing. But when Juno gets pregnant, none of them is sure which of the two older men is the father of the child. Hilarity ensues because Nicholson's character wants Juno to get the abortion, and Freeman's character wants Juno to not get the abortion, so that they can sacrifice the newborn baby to a pagan god who will extend his life. This movie is appealing to the entire family, from the whip smart 16 year olds to the dying elderly. Expect it to add another $724 million to an already impressive cume.

4. RAMBO 27: THE DRESSES: Sylvester Stallone makes a brave choice, portraying a pre-op transsexual who leads tourists down a river in Burma. When the intolerant government discovers his/her secret, they send in the army to prevent him going through with his operation. Well, Rambo doesn't take kindly to that. He kills every last damned one of them. In the end-- spoiler alert-- his kindly doctor, portrayed by Katherine Heigl, performs the operation, and he changes his name to "Clara Rambo." Audiences are eating this with a spoon; another $582 million should improve its cume impressively.

5. GEORGE CLOONEY IS SENSITIVE: George Clooney plays himself as a man who cares a lot about people who are being exploited. It is a powerful, moving performance, made all the more poignant because it is so sincere, and honest. This film didn't do very well when it was released last year, but that's only because audiences are afraid of honesty, and like to go see movies like "Foolish Movie" (see below). But if they give this one a chance, they will see how sensitive George Clooney is. Look for this poignant, sincere film to finally connect with audiences for a robust $290 million weekend.

6. FOOLISH MOVIE: Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star as a divorced couple who go out on a hunt for a humorous, romantic script. They never find it. Oh, can you stand the charm of this film? Can you afford to miss it? My sources tell me that Mr McConaughey appears without a shirt in a couple of scenes, which is a really brave choice for him. My sources also tell me there are actually people who look forward to movies like this. Expect this film to top $589 million this weekend.

7. UNSPARTABLE: This movie hilariously sends up bad movies by actually being bad itself. Audiences are responding to its postmodern quality. Diane Lane plays a woman who gets on the internet and watches clips from various comedy films. But if she watches too many, she will die! Audiences are flocking to this incredible film that has Hollywood scratching its head. $482 million this weekend.

8. WELCOME HOME TO YOUR FAMILY HOME WHERE YOUR FUNNY FAMILY IS: Here's another one of those movies that features a quirky, wacky family. A family so much like your own. Don't you love spending time with your family? Then why not spend time with a fake family that's so much like your own? That's the philosophy behind this film, a film so funny and charming that it doesn't have time to mess with putting punctuation in the title. Martin Lawrence plays the only sane member of a wacky family. People love that stuff! Oh, this will make $623 million this weekend! Jesus Christ!

9. UGLY WOMEN ARE BAD: Paris Hilton portrays an attractive, and therefore good, young woman. Her friend is ugly, which makes her bad. This film is appealing to everyone who is not afraid to face the truth about the way the world really is. Look for it to make about $129 million, because it's only playing in about 100 theaters, for some reason.

10. U2 IN 3D: Imagine having a face full of Bono. That's what you get in this exciting film that documents the noble charity work of Bono, and the band in which he sings. At the end of the movie, Bono ascends to heaven on a golden chariot, and drops a bomb on the screaming girls from this weekend's top box office movie. Bono is a vengeful god, you see, and does not want anyone, even screaming little girls, to worship any other gods above Him. It will make an astonishing $infinite amount of money, because the normal rules of space/time and value do not count in reference to Bono.

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