Friday, February 15, 2008


This weekend the box office action promises to be wet and wild, both literally and figuratively. So these are the Hollywood insider projections:

1. FOOL'S SHIT: This film which features Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson as two mentally challenged people who find love while searching for their missing dookie, touched everyone last weekend with its surprisingly touching portrayal of the two main characters. Expect this film to exploit another $452 million this weekend, for an in no way handicapped $902 million cume after two weeks.

2. DUMPER: Hayden Christsomething plays a human-sized turd who can walk through walls or something. Samuel Jackson portrays the secret agent, codenamed Brown 25, who has been charged with bringing him to justice or something. Audience awareness of this film is remarkably low, especially if that audience is me. I got no idea what this movie is about, and if I don't know, then nobody knows, because I am the ultimate Hollywood insider. Look for this film to bring in a disappointing $398 million this weekend, as audiences flush this one away.

3. SHITLESS PROTECTION: It pains me to predict this film will only open in "turd" place, but that's still respectable considering it doesn't actually open until next weekend. That title alone is worth the price of admission. It's a pun. On the "witness protection" program. That's where the government hides people who provide evidence in cases where their lives are in danger, and they're set up with new identities. In this movie, the popular comedian Larry the Cable Guy portrays a constipated idiot who is in some way involved. I think he's the government operative in charge of finding weapons in Iraq. Anyway, it is hilarious, but audiences are only going to ring up about $378 million in ticket sales this weekend.

4. DEFINITELY, SHITTY: This is a film about a quirky, lovable single father with a quirky, adorable daughter, who manages to get a bunch of superhot actresses to sleep with him. It's based loosely on my own life (I don't have a daughter). It should "shag" about $358 million worth of scratch this weekend.

5. THE SPIDERSHIT CHRONICLES: One spider takes a massive dump all over its web, and has to move in with his cousin, a fastidious fly. They make quite the odd couple, as the fly must clean up after the spider, and keep from getting caught in his sticky web. They learn from each other, and then the spider eats him. Sorry- spoiler alert. This film should suck the blood from about $349 million.

6. MILEY SHITRUS: If you like the Hannah Montana tv show, only you wish it were a little longer and nauseating, then this is the film you've been waiting for. Lovable Miley cuts a new record while sitting on the toilet. $321 million.

7. 2 COOL 4 SCHOOL N SHIT: This is the uncompromising story of a dancer who will stop at nothing to achieve her dream. Not even a terrible, embarrassing problem with explosive diarrhea will keep her out of the big dance competition! This film appeals to anyone who cannot control his or her bowels. $523 million.

8. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT, ROSCOE JENKINS: Martin Lawrence portrays a proctologist who cannot cure his own constipation. Hilarity ensues when he attends a family reunion. A bunch of stuff happens. Finally at the end his bowels explode and he dies. Kind of a downer. $389 million.

9. SHITTO: A whip smart 16 year old girl thinks she is pregnant, but it turns out to be a giant ectopic turd. A dangerous operation ensues. This one is getting audiences who are young and old, and have had problems with ectopic bowel movements (a surprisingly large audience, too often neglected by Hollywood). $421 million.

10. THE BUCKET OF SHIT: Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Two elderly men, one bucket. Two hours of massive, loud bowel movements. One extremely heartwarming film. Four quadrant appeal, mostly in the midwest and southeast, where bowel movements are common. $234 million, for a big giant dump of a cume.

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