Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My Observations on "The Final Four" Basketball Tournament

As you might already know, it’s now the time of the college basketball championship tournament called “The Final Four.” This is the time of year when the sports fan gets to finally take center stage, after many months of neglect. As a sports fan myself (some would say “fanatic,” as devoted as I am to the basketballs), I offer now some of my insights into the biggest game, that of “The Final Four.”

First of all, my Chevrolet keys to the game are the secrets that you must score the most points in the game, even more than your opponent. It helps also to try to prevent your opponent from scoring points himself. The key is that the other team is trying to do the same thing to you! So you have to be quick about keeping the other team’s basket free of balls.

The coaches know this inherently. They will tell their team to keep “their game face on,” and “take the rock to the hole.” If the team does this better than his opponent, look out! But the other team wants to do this, too, and their coach is probably telling them something similar, or perhaps they are saying something like, “Please protect your weak side.” But the weak side is no longer weak, if it is protected! That is an oxymoronic subtlety of the game.

Now I would like to put my theories into practice by giving you my picks for the big games of “The Final Four.” With these picks, you will be sure to have the best “bracket” in the “office pool”! (You won’t believe you didn’t think of these yourself!):

University of North Carolina: This is the team to beat, according to my sources. My sources are correct, but the same can be said of every team in “The Final Four,” because if you want to win, you’ve got to beat the other team! I hate to get political, but Big Tobacco will not let this team lose.

Washington State: If only they did not have to fight against North Carolina, they might have a chance. They can take solace from the fact that the Pacific Northwest is awesome, while North Carolina is in North Carolina.

Louisville: Look out for this team! The Cardinals are “flying” all over the basketball court, winning games by scoring more than their opponents in every game they’ve won. If that trend continues, look for them to keep winning.

Tennessee: I’m “volunteering” the following piece of information: If they lose their next game, they will be out of the tournament. They will be out of the tournament after their next game.

Kansas: Nothing to do in Kansas but plant corn and play the basketballs, and pull over college students who are just trying to get through your stinking state as quickly as possible and give them two speeding tickets at the same time, one for the highway, and one for the city. For this reason fans across the nation are crying out, “Eff Kansas!”

Villanova: Look for the “’Nova” team to crush the shit out of Kansas, who deserves it.

Wisconsin: This is the “Big Ten” school, and they are famous for their animal husbandry program. That doesn’t mean what you think it does. They don’t actually marry the animals. Not legally, anyway. Their defense is pretty good.

Davidson: This team has the player of the year, who is scoring all the points in the tournament! Look for him to keep up the blistering pace, until the team loses, which it will in its next game, because they will not follow the coach’s admonition to score more points than the other team.

Memphis: This is barely a team at all. Too bad it will lose everything it holds dear in the next game.

Michigan State: This is the team that personifies my advice above. Preventing the other team that you’re playing from scoring the most points, while putting up the rock into the hole. Watch out for this team! They do what I said.

: This team has all the tools necessary to win the big games. From players who score, to players who help others to score, and also other players, they are a force of playing the basketball, and my sources tell me they have a game plan.

Stanford: They do “dunks” of the basketballs. That is what they do.

UCLA: This team is in Los Angeles, so it should win all the games, by 50 billion points. They always get the goals! Los Angeles is the best!

Western Kentucky: Not to make the players on this talented team feel bad, but they all stink. They have no chance against the might of the Los Angeles team!

Xavier: They are a team that uses mind control on its opponents. Ordinary strategy is useless against them, and they are the only team that I could not formulate the perfect plan to defeat (see above).

West Virginia: After attacking their opponents with powerful histamines, they attack them with the basketballs, and score many points. Preventing their opponents from scoring, as I’ve mentioned before, is the key.

Now it's your turn to pick your choices to win the big game of "The Final Four"!

This photo of former basketballing coach Bob Knight gives my post an air of authenticity. Swiped from here.

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