Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Poodle Bitch is Terrified of Becoming a Sweater


Pity poor paranoid Poodle Bitch. Ever since she read this story about Beth and Brian Willis, a couple in England who turned their dogs into sweaters, she has been under the bed, only sticking out her head periodically to obtain bacon-shaped snacks, and freshly-cooked pieces of chicken. (The food and treats must be left beside the edge of the bed, on the floor, and then I must leave the room and close the door, so that she can enjoy her food in solitude.)

She hasn't even come out from under the bed to "go potty," which used to be one of her favorite pastimes!

I have explained to her that she is much too tiny to be made into a sweater. Her coat would barely even provide enough material to create patches for my smoking jacket! Moreover, the dogs in the story she read were dead, and then turned into sweaters. They weren't killed for their pelts, like common minks!

Ah, but Poodle Bitch believes her coat is so beautiful that after seeing the story I won't be able to resist, I will have to have a coat as beautiful as hers! So, still she resides under the bed, until I can finally and completely reassure her that while she is a beautiful little bitch, I have no desire to wear her flesh.

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