Monday, June 30, 2008

Absolutely Adorable Cat Video

Here is a video of an absolutely adorable cat waking up his owner in the morning. There is nothing funnier or cuter than seeing this lovable cat in action, as you can do below:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Friday, June 27, 2008

"Thanks, Loser"

That's Hillary Clinton. She's a multimillionaire who felt it was her duty to run for president. In fact, she wanted to run for president in the worst way, which is exactly how she did it. She was only able to raise hundreds of millions of dollars- so of course her campaign went into debt.

Help the Obamas say "Thanks, Loser," to Hillary Clinton, by helping her pay down her debt.

George Stephanopoulos Is A Douchebag

Television personality George Stephanopoulos has a puerile and ludicrous essay in the latest issue of something called “Parade” magazine. Ordinarily I would ignore something this laughable, but it is so laughable that I just had to explain exactly what it is that makes it so laughable. So please bear with me as I offer the following “fisking” of the aforementioned laughable article.

H.L. Mencken is often quoted as saying, "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

Nice try, George, but Mr. Mencken, a writer who died many years ago, is often quoted as saying other things, too. He once told an unruly child to “shut the hell up.” He also once said that he was “hungry.”

Great line, but Mencken got it wrong — at least when it comes to voters.

If it’s such a great line, then why is it wrong? Furthermore, why quote it, say it’s a great line, then say it’s wrong?

Ever since I planted my first lawn signs for a county judge as a high-schooler in Cleveland, I've been fascinated by campaigns and elections. Now, 30 years later — after working in the Capitol and the White House, serving in three Presidential campaigns, and covering three more as Chief Washington Correspondent for ABC News — I'm still fascinated.

What a precocious little high school kid- interested in an election for a totally insignificant office like “county judge.” This is clearly meant to do two things for the reader: One, it is supposed to alert the reader as to what a great, precocious high school kid Saint George was. Second, it should remind the reader of the Paul McCartney and Wings song “Band on the Run” (“the county judge who held a grudge”). While I don’t think anyone would disagree that Mr. McCartney’s work in Wings was nowhere near as important as what he did in the Beatles, I still think it’s better than any of the crap that St. George ever did (i.e., helping get Bill Clinton elected, and working for the MSM).

And I'm still convinced that, in most elections most of the time, voters get it right. The process works. As we head into the most exciting, historic, and high-stakes Presidential election of our lifetimes, here are some suggestions on how you can be an even better voter.

Of course you think the process works! You just said in the previous paragraph that YOU’RE part of the process! And of course you think this is the “most exciting, historic, etc presidential election,” since you’re one of the MSM bozos covering it.

But if you think the process works and most of the time voters get it right, why do you feel the need to offer suggestions on being a better voter? What makes you think you can help them anymore, especially if you don’t seem to think they need it?

Know What Matters to You

Start with a gut check. Sit down and really think about which issues are most important to you: national health care or national security? Global warming or the makeup of the Supreme Court? Consider what qualities you most prize in a leader: empathy, decisiveness, or intelligence? Candor or competence?

Why do I have to choose between “Candor or competence”? Why can’t I have both “global warming,” and a “supreme court”? Dammit, if I want both, as an American, I’m going to take them, and there’s nothing at all that St. George can do about it.

Then imagine that you are the President. What would be your top priority? Whom would you turn to for advice? Which principle or position would you be willing to stand by even if it put your whole Presidency at risk? How you size up the candidates should flow from how you answer those basic questions.

If I were president, there wouldn’t be any problems, would there? So why bother even thinking about this? I couldn’t get elected, because I tell it like it is, and I don’t put up with nonsense such as this essay that I’m fisking right now, St. George.

Use the Godfather Test

Political pollsters love the beer-buddy question — namely, to ask voters which candidate they'd most want to hang out with over a couple of cold ones or a cup of coffee. But I prefer to use the Godfather (or Godmother) Test.

What that means: Pick a candidate as if your child's life depended on it. While liking the politician should be part of your thought process, having a Best Pal in the Oval Office isn't enough. The decisions made by the next President will help determine whether your children will have to fight in wars, how dependent they'll be on foreign oil, and whether Medicare and Social Security will be there when they retire. Vote for the candidate who has the competence and character to guide your child — and the country.

Great advice: “Vote for children.” “The children are our future.” Geezus Goddam Christ, St. George, how long did it take you to come up with that one? Fifteen minutes? Or is it something you’ve discovered in all the time you’ve been interested in politics, starting when you first hung up that “Wings” poster in your front yard when you were in high school?

Oh, and by the way, you did a great job moderating that debate between Obama and Clinton earlier this year, St. George.

Find Out What Your Friends and Family Really Think

In addition to getting news from the TV, try to check out a solid newspaper every day. It will give you some breadth of coverage about the election and the context of the campaign. And, as you're making up your mind, don't be afraid to engage friends and family in debate. Not surprisingly, I disagree with the old saw that you should never discuss politics at the dinner table (although I do my best not to bore my toddlers). When I worked in politics, the best decisions I ever made came after conversations with my friends. So go at it — just try not to pick a fight at every meal.

“In addition to getting news from the TV, try to check out a solid newspaper every day. The only people who get their news from those sources should not be allowed to vote anyway, so why are you giving them advice, O Benevolent St. George of the MSM? Here’s a better idea: get on the internet, and ignore every piece of advice anyone in the MSM gives you. All my friends have blogs, so I guess I shouldn't actually find out what they think, huh?

By the way, did you catch that St. George has kids? They are the future after all. I wonder who their “godparents” are?

During the Debates, Focus on What the Candidates Say — and Do

Record numbers of viewers tuned in to this year's primary debates — and for good reason. They matter. Though face-to-face televised debates are a relatively recent phenomenon (the Kennedy-Nixon debates in 1960 were the first ever), they've been key turning points in just about every campaign since.

Of course you think debates matter. You moderated one. You’re part of the MSM, and the MSM has an interest in ensuring that they “matter.” They’re “key turning points” because the MSM has done everything they can to make them into turning points. In fact, all that debates do is show you which candidate is better at biting his lip at just the right time, or which one pounds his fist on the podium three times instead of just two.

Both Richard Nixon in 1960 and Al Gore in 2000 might have been better off sticking with radio broadcasts. Many observers thought each had won his first televised debate on points, but Nixon was undone by bad makeup that failed to hide his 5 o'clock shadow, and Gore was undercut by reaction shots that caught him sighing and rolling his eyes while George W. Bush was speaking. Viewers were turned off.

And with this paragraph St. George shows just how useless televised debates really are. The losers lost because of superficial nonsense, not because of “points.”

Gerald Ford's bid against Jimmy Carter in 1976 stalled at the second debate, when Ford declared there was "no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe." Meanwhile, Bill Clinton sealed his 1992 victory during a second debate with George H.W. Bush. As Clinton engaged a questioner on the economy, Bush was caught checking his watch. The metaphor stuck.

I could have beaten Ford and Bush in a debate. BFD, St. George.

While nothing in a campaign can match the demands that a President will face in the White House Situation Room, debates can offer a glimpse of how candidates perform when everything's on the line. Watch how they handle the pressure — and give extra credit for spontaneity. Are they thinking on their feet or reciting canned talking points? Which one can defuse a difficult moment with humor, recover from a gaffe with grace, or pounce on an opponent's mistake without seeming too mean-spirited?

Again, everything about “debates” is so micromanaged by the campaigns of each candidate that they are no-pressure and meaningless. Except to people in the MSM, who want you to watch so they can pump up their ratings.

And why the hell do I want to see a candidate “recover from a gaffe with grace,” or with anything at all? How about not making the gaffe? Why should a candidate “defuse a difficult moment?” And what the hell do I care if a candidate seems “mean spirited”? I’m not trying to find a godparent for my kids here, I’m trying to find a president, dumbass.

Wit and showmanship are important. They feed into what political scholar Richard Neustadt considered the most essential Presidential power — "the power to persuade."

Yeah, I know of someone else who was an elected official who had the “power to persuade.” Perhaps you’ve heard of him- his name was “Adolph Hitler.” Turn off the Wings music for five minutes and think about this, St. George. Do you really want another Hitler in the White House?

Balance It All Out

Where the candidates have come from, what positions they take on the issues, whom they listen to, and how they make decisions all matter. No one quality is the key to success. Take experience, for example. It's hard to imagine a President coming to the White House with a more stellar resumé than James Buchanan, who had been a Congressman, a Senator, an ambassador, and Secretary of State. But he failed miserably as President — passive in the face of a looming Civil War.

I can’t believe that Buchanan! All he had to do was read our history textbooks and he would known the goddam Civil War was looming! What a miserable failure!

Nor can a candidate who promises change necessarily achieve it. Jimmy Carter came in after Watergate promising "a government as good as the American people," but he ended up not having the political skill to deliver one. Experience, judgment, and competence all have to be weighed in equal measure.

Really? You don’t think Carter delivered “a government as good as the American people”? After all, he did get Reagan elected. And as we all know, Reagan is the greatest of all great Americans, and certainly the pinnacle of Americanism. Didn't Barack Obama himself say something like that?

And think hard before disqualifying a candidate for being a flip-flopper. Flip-flopping can be the most devastating criticism — and deservedly so, if the candidate shifts with the political winds. But history also is full of Presidents who changed their minds for the right reasons. The Louisiana Purchase was the kind of power-grab that ran against Thomas Jefferson's deepest principles, but he came to see it as a wise investment in America's future, and supporting it turned out to be one of the best Presidential decisions ever. Abe Lincoln promised the South that he wouldn't abolish slavery. Thank goodness he changed his mind.

TWO examples from two of the greatest human beings who ever lived. That’s all you can come up with? You’re slipping, St. George. I’m just glad you did better research when you moderated that debate between Obama and Clinton earlier this year. Thank gosh for you.

Always Remember That Your Vote Counts

It's a cliché, but look at recent experiences. The 2000 election was settled by the U.S. Supreme Court when the official count showed 537 votes in Florida separating Bush from Gore — a difference of less than one-tenth of one percent of the state's electorate. Flip fewer than 60,000 votes in Ohio, and John Kerry is President in 2004. Nixon would have won in 1960 with 5000 shifted votes in each of Illinois and South Carolina, and 12,000 in New Jersey.

Yes, your vote is important. Yours and 536 others in one state. Yours and 59,999 in another state. Yours and 4,999 others in each of two states, and 11,999 in another. That’s how important your vote is. Because there were only two candidates running in each of the elections mentioned. If only those votes had flipped to “the other candidate,” things might have been different.

How about this: If only every voter in America would stop voting for Democrats and Republicans, we could REALLY change the country. A shift of only a few million votes here and there, and we could have a 50-50 split between Libertarians and Greens. How would you like that, St. George?

Who knows if this year's contest will be a cliffhanger? What I do know is that 2008 is shaping up as one of the most consequential elections in U.S. history. More Americans will vote this year than ever before. I'm confident that we will prove Mencken wrong — one more time.

Consequential for you, St. George of the MSM. It’s just more of the same for everyone else. One more asshole winning another election, when only a few million shifted votes would have changed the whole dynamic.

By the way, St. George, Mencken is still dead, so he really couldn’t give less of a shit whether or not we “prove him wrong”.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Steps that DC Comics Can Take to Stop Its Sales Slide and Increase Market Share

Things are so bad at DC Comics that even Nikki Finke over at Deadline Hollywood Daily is writing about it. But things don’t have to stay bad, if only the following advice, offered as a free service (you get what you pay for), is heeded:

1. Stop doing “event comics.” Only the most fannish of all the fanboys can keep up with the minutiae of the “DC Universe.” So in order to keep up with everything that happens in the “event comics” a person has to read hundreds- sometimes thousands- of other comics spanning years to know what’s happening currently. Meaning that no new reader in his right mind is going to start in on the latest “Infinite Craptacular”. This would be fine, if the event comics were compelling storytelling. Are they? How the hell would I know? I won’t pick them up, because I’m in my right mind.

2. Make the “event comics” bigger and more important than ever before. The fan base for monthly comics is shrinking every day, leaving for the most part an audience of obsessive fanboys who are willing to devote the time and energy necessary to study in detail every aspect of every panel of every issue of every “Event Spectacular” and its attendant “crossover” issues. So use that to your advantage. Create compelling events that demand the diminishing readers’ time, money, and energy, so they are living breathing dreaming and thinking DC, DC, DC, DC.

3. Sell DC comics online. It’s pathetic that if a person wants to purchase a comic book he has to get the freaking number from Diamond Previews three months ahead of time and leave the comfort of his or her own basement and head to the comic book shop and tell the owner to please order a copy of “Event Craptacular 9: The Washening” or whatever. In the age of iTunes and etc I should be able to pay a monthly fee to “subscribe” to the comics online- perhaps a program in which a person would pay a set amount per month for online access to every comic published in a given month (necessary, given the fact that “Event Craptacular” crosses over with every other comic published that month), and the ability to download, say, ten full issues to keep indefinitely. In this way, you’ve ensured that your readers will read or at least sample every damned thing you published that month, leading to a readership that will live breathe dream and think DC.

4. Boost your relationship with the retailers. The comic book shops are like your agents in the field. Get them talking about your books and get them selling your books by offering comic shop-only exclusive incentives, like “Event Spectacular” bonus issues, possibly with embossed foil covers. Reward those shops that reach certain sales figures on your books by offering deep discounts on the wholesale prices of the books, and bypass Diamond completely.

5. Kill Batman. I men really kill him off; don’t just pretend to kill him, or kill him and then have Dr. Fate go into the Phantom Zone and fetch his soul back or have it turn out that it was actually the father of the Robin of Earth-7 wearing the Batoutfit or some BS like that. I mean really kill him, brutally and horrifically. The way he was meant to be killed off. Something to get the mainstream press talking.

6. Don’t kill Batman. Think about it. He’s DC’s most popular character. He’s the only one who currently has a movie franchise- all their other characters are stalled thanks to overwrought, dull movies (Superman) or development problems (literally every other character). Killing Batman would be the stupidest thing they could do.

7. Hire me to write your comics. One need only peruse the story below to see that I would be the perfect person to write a story featuring superheroes.

8. Don’t hire me to write your comics. The despicable story below should be warning enough.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

RedNex on Mars!

Imagine a couple of Rednecks got stuck on the planet Mars for some reason. Now imagine that some other redneck drew (drawed) the comic of their adventures. The first episode might look something like the page shown here.

Monday, June 16, 2008

My American Gladiators Strategy

In spite of the presence of the reprehensible Hulk Hogan, I am an avid viewer of arguably the greatest show on television, "American Gladiators." As an avid viewer and therefore fan of the show, I would love to be a participant. However, I am shiftless and lazy, and generally avoid any type of contact sports. Or, sports in general (except running). Anyway, at some point I would like to be a contender on the show, and if I ever had my shot to go against Wolf, Titan, Justice, et al, I would use the following carefully thought-out strategies to achieve my victory:

My "American Gladiators" Strategy (By Event):

GAUNTLET: I would run away from the arena; there is no way I would get past any of the Gladiators on this event.

JOUST: I would seduce Crush. This would not help me win the Joust, but I would feel much better about it when I lost, as I certainly would.

: I would run crazily toward the Gladiator. If he did not step out of my way, I would take him into the water with me (10 points). If he did step out of the way, I would go into the water by myself (no points).

: I would stand beside the container with the balls and throw them at the scoring pods. I would not enter the field in which the Gladiators are waiting to kill me. If one of the balls went into a scoring pod, it would be a miracle.

WALL: I would jump into the water without trying to climb it. I need to save my strength for the Eliminator.

: I would ask Crush, the Gladiator I seduced, to put poison into a can of soda. I would ask her to give the soda to Wolf, and make sure that he drank it before my event. Hopefully she will not have put enough poison in the drink to kill Wolf; only to make him too drowsy to hang onto the rings. Then I would just hang on the ring and score my five points- there is no way I would be able to make it all the way across, as I have spindly little girl arms.

: I would lay down at the base of the pyramid and relax, perhaps even take a short, good nap. There is no way I would ever in a million years score any points on this event, and I need to save my strength for the Eliminator.

ASSAULT: I would run through the course until I got hit by a tennis ball, as I most assuredly would.

HIT AND RUN: I would crawl on my belly across the rickety bridge. If I managed to get across the bridge once, I would lay down and relax during any time I had left in the round, as I am trying to conserve my strength for the Eliminator.

ROCKETBALL: This is by far the most fun-looking event, so I would probably try to do well on this one, by putting all the balls in the two-point net. I expect I would probably score about 20 or 30 points.

: Yeah, right. I'm saving myself for the Eliminator. I would take a nap.

: I would sit there and wait for the Gladiator to catch me and pull the cord, as he most certainly would anyway.

: Because I'm a marathon runner, I might actually have a shot at scoring some points on this one. I would use my leg muscles to pull the bungie cord tight, and hit the button, sending the Gladiator flying, which I believe would score me another ten points.

SIDESWIPE: This is actually the title of one of Charles Willeford's best novels, but I haven't seen this event on television yet, so I can't offer any of my patented expert strategy on it.

TILT: I would let go of the rope, causing the Gladiator to fall in the water. I would score no points, but I would be satisfied.

ALTRASPHERE: I would take a nap in the giant ball.

ELIMINATOR: I would take it nice and slow, moving at my own pace, and hope that my opponent got hung up trying to climb the menacing travelator. If he gets hung up on that final obstacle (i.e., if he cannot climb it), then I might have a chance.



Tim Russert Ascends to Heaven

Finally, after more than 1,900 hours of coverage, former Meet The Press "moderator" Tim Russert ascended to heaven today, on gossamer wings. He was obviously more than a man; so much more than a man, in fact, that the Iowa floodwaters briefly receded, bombings and killings in Iraq and Afghanistan ceased, and the presidential race took a break so that his passing could be properly covered. Now that He's in heaven, we can all get back to normal again.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Rev. Billy Graham Isn't Such a Great Father

A special Father's Day "fisking" of this article, in which Billy Graham's son, Franklin Graham, muses on "lessons" his father taught him.

First lesson:

There's no book to teach you. My father told me you learn how to preach by preaching. The only way you're going to learn it is to go out there and do it and learn from your mistakes. And he's right.

Didn't this guy spend his entire career talking about THE BIBLE? Doesn't that qualify as a "book to teach you"? Or was that just a load of steaming dung?

Second lesson:

I saw that he was wary of politicians. They thought, If we get close to Billy Graham, that will influence votes. My father tries to use his position in a spiritual context.

Except when it's your very good chum Richard Nixon, right?

Third lesson:

He taught me that there is a devil in this world. There are spiritual powers at work against God. Why do we have bars on the windows? Why do we have to have police forces? Why do we have a judicial system? It's because of the evil in this world. Everything he taught, he taught us through the Scripture.

Yes, and that devil is the Jews, right?

Fourth lesson:

I never saw my parents fight. Never really saw them argue. My mother was a soul mate to him. They did everything together. My father treated my mother with the utmost respect. He honored her. I have a friend--we're about the same age--who loses his temper and yells at his wife, and he cusses at her from time to time, and guess what? His children do exactly the same thing.

So they kept their frustrations and disappointments hidden from each other, until they festered and revealed themselves as tirades against Jews, or developed into friendships with tasteful people like Richard Nixon?

And I can't resist this bit about anger, from this article:

Some people are angry at God. Sometimes I get letters from people who have been touched by tragedy—but instead of seeking God's help, they angrily blame Him for what happened. As a result they cut themselves off from the peace and joy He alone can give us, even when we don't understand.

I hate it when people say you need to thank God when something good happens to them. But when something bad happens, you damn well better not be angry at "Him." Because you cut yourself off from all that "joy." Ungrateful bastards just shut the hell up and take it.

Fifth lesson:

My father is careful with women. He would not even ride in the same car with a woman other than my mother. I remember in Little Rock, Hillary Clinton, when she was the wife of Governor Clinton, wanted to meet my father for lunch. She wanted to have a private conversation. Daddy said, "I'd be glad to meet you, but we'll meet in a public place." My father told me, "I'm going to be above reproach and not allow myself ever to be accused of something that wasn't morally right."

Girls are gross! And he couldn't trust himself to be alone with them for any amount of time, not even the first lady of Arkansas because why, exactly? He was afraid she would find him irresistible and use her wiles on him? Or that she might corrupt him? Anyway, this is proof that he does not, in fact, "honor" women as his son states in the fourth lesson. Way to stay "on message" (see below).

Sixth lesson:

He was gone for a long time when I was young. One time, he was gone for about six months. My father started his ministry right after World War II, when men had been gone for four or five years to defend the freedom of this nation. He felt, Should I do less for the sake of the cross? He later told me, "Son, if I had to do this over again, I wouldn't have been gone that long." When I'm through with my work, I go back home.

Some father. Gone all that time preaching about a book he didn't think was all that important anyway (see lesson 1).

Seventh lesson:

Life is a circle. When you are small, your relationship with your parents is one thing, and then you get to be an adult and they start treating you like an adult. And then when you are older, the roles reverse. Instead of the parents providing for the children, now we as children are helping to provide for our parents.

This is a brilliant insight that has never been made before. No wonder Billy Graham commanded all those huge crowds.

Eighth lesson:

God did not give us religion. Religion is man's attempt to reach a holy God.

Man made up religion, with all the rules and caprices and commandments. Did man make up God, too? The idea of a God would lend a lot more weight to the rules and caprices and commandments that man made up, wouldn't it? Why the hell would anyone follow those silly rules if there weren't some threat of eternal pain and misery behind it? That is an absolutely dreadful thing. Or is there a God, who just doesn't care about all the "religious stuff"? That's kind of an astonishing thing for the son of a preacher man to say.

Ninth lesson:

He knows how to stay on message. All these years, he has been faithful to what he feels God called him to do, and that is to preach this wonderful good news, this Gospel, that Jesus Christ died for our sins, that He rose again, and if we would confess our sins to God and ask for His forgiveness and turn from those sins and invite Christ by faith into our hearts and into our lives, that God would forgive us.

He stays on message? That's a lesson? That's the opposite of a lesson, isn't it? Didn't Scott McClellan stay on message? Besides that, if you see above, from lesson 1, Billy Graham did NOT stay on message at all. He was a giant hypocrite.

Happy Father's Day!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Barack Obama Campaign Expecting to Raise Over One Squillion Dollars For Presidential Election!

My sources inside the Barack Obama campaign are giddy at the prospects of how much money they'll raise. So giddy, in fact, that they're expecting to raise mythical amounts of money for the general presidential election.

"We're expecting to have a zillion in the bank by the end of June, and by September we're shooting for a squillion. From there- the sky's the limit!"

Obama's campaign has already started a committee to look into the creation of names for the new numbers of money that they're expecting to raise. So far they've come up with "obamillion," "barillions," "changillion," and "zesquillion."

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Hillary Clinton's Concession Speech - How Concessionary Was It, Really?

Such a gracious, lovely speech under circumstances that must have been difficult for her.

Photos swiped from here.

Friday, June 6, 2008

New McCain Campaign Strategy De-Emphasizes War Experience

Given the fact that often in recent presidential elections the candidate with less military experience has lost to the candidate with more military experience (GW Bush beat Kerry and Gore; Bill Clinton beat Dole and Bush; Regan beat Carter), John McCain's campaign has decided to de-emphasize his military achievements.

The plan is a difficult and highly controversial one, considering the fact that McCain has traded on his reputation as a war hero for his entire political career. But the campaign believes they can pull it off if they "ease" the electorate into perceiving McCain as a draft dodger. The first phase is to convince voters that McCain actually spent all of the Vietnam war as a member of the Pennsylvania Air National Guard. (Why Pennsylvania? It's a swing state!) To that end, McCain's campaign has released this photo, purportedly showing a young McCain hanging out, having fun beside an airplane, ready to take to the skies the minute Pennsylvania airspace is threatened! The next steps will include showing McCain at anti-war rallies in England, letters of deferment from the draft board to a young, college-student McCain, to be followed by a birth certificate showing that McCain was only six years old at the time the war occurred.

Concurrently, the McCain campaign will leak evidence showing that Barack Obama is actually a highly-decorated member of the 25th Infantry Division!

My sources agree that while this strategy is a long shot, it is McCain's only chance to beat Obama in November.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Exclusive! Barack Obama's Short List of Possible Running Mates

Barack Obama has just asked the guy who helped pick running mates for Walter Mondale in 1984 and John Kerry in 2004 to find him a running mate for 2008! Because, obviously, things worked out really well in '84 and '04! This guy is a genius! I mean really first class! And he's already got a short list down to 5 possibilities, presented below in this PCMR exclusive!

Choice 1: Hillary Clinton

Pros: She is a woman, and a lot of women are fanatical about supporting her.

Cons: She is a giant douchebag.

Choice 2: Michael Bloomberg

Pros: He is wealthy beyond all imagining. Obama has had trouble raising money, and McCain looks like he's going to have gobs and gobs of money, so Bloomberg's wallet will help Obama keep up.

Cons: He is a giant douchebag.

Choice 3: Joe Lieberman

Pros: He gives Obama instant credibility on foreign affairs, because he is such an expert on everything.

Cons: He is a giant douchebag.

Choice 4: Mel Gibson

Pros: As a deeply religious man, he will reassure wary "values voters" that Obama is at least tolerant of religious men. He is also a skilled filmmaker, who will shoot great campaign ads, mostly involving scourging and gutting.

Cons: He is a giant douchebag.

Choice 5: Ron Paul

Pros: Has a legion of followers who will send him tons of money, and gosh knows Obama needs plenty of that (see Bloomberg, above). And John McCain hates him.

Cons: Too charismatic.

Ultimately, we'll just have to wait and see who Senator Obama selects as his running mate. Who will it be? I don't know, but one thing is certain: It will be exactly the wrong person!

John McCain Trepanation Nightmare!

This is the scenario that very few expected, but that my sources in the McCain campaign were secretly dreading: John McCain has taken his love of trepanation to a new and dangerous level! For years, McCain has found that the only way to relieve his complete and utter looniness is drill small holes in his skull, usually no more than a pinprick in width. According to his book "Worth The Fighting For," (sorry, I don't have the page number in front of me right now) McCain claims that "[t]he soothing sounds of the drill as it pierces my skull is like a sensual din that ruptures all my troubles. The release provided, as those negative thoughts literally float away into the aether, is an exquisite necessity for this Senator!"

Lately, however, McCain has been complaining that the negative thoughts have been bigger than ever, and his judgment has been severely impaired. Against the wishes of his advisors, McCain recently indulged in what's known as the Trepanation Salvation, a sort of trepanning nuclear option in which the four main pressure points at the front of the skull are opened wide, about the width of a quarter. Unlike McCain's usual trepanation, these holes are clearly visible and cannot be covered by a simple combover or bandaid, leaving everyone scrambling to think of some way to cover them for his media appearances!

I'm told that Democratic candidate Barack Obama is considering making McCain's trepanation habit a campaign issue, and Republican strategists are already crying foul. One source told me, "If he thinks he can get any mileage out of this, then I guess Obama's campaign is in worse shape than anyone thought, and we can't wait for November!"

Monday, June 2, 2008

Is Oregon the most ridiculous state in America?

I have driven through almost every state in America, with the exception of maybe five or six (I'm not giving details, it's really none of your business), and this weekend I had the distinct displeasure to drive through what has been the worst state hands down, Oregon. What are the citizens of Oregon thinking?

First of all, the government in Oregon does not trust its citizens to pump its own gas. I'm not joking. Self-service at gas stations is ILLEGAL there. This makes no sense. They apparently trust you to operate the 2,000 pounds of baby-killing metal (and I guess I should be thankful for that, right?) but actually fueling the thing? No; let's leave that to the professionals. So we had to drive our vehicle to the pump, tell the man we wanted it filled with regular unleaded, and then leave the car and go into the "convenience store" to swipe the debit (this place didn't take credit), wait in line, and enter the PIN. In every other state I've ever driven through the process of fueling the car takes about five minutes. In Oregon it was a 15 minute exercise in tedium.

Moreover, I-5 is a measly two lanes most of the way through the state, with brief exceptions through parts of Portland (an ugly, pathetic city, sadly inferior in every way to the city it most wants to be, Seattle) and Eugene (by the way, why would you name a city "Eugene"? Was "Dogpatch" already taken?). Since this is the only real path from Washington to California (two states people actually want to visit), there is naturally a lot of traffic through this craphole. Why not spend a little money on your highways, or turn them over to someone who can actually run them? And, the speed limit through this Nowhere of the Northwest is 65, if you're lucky. Through much of the southern parts of the state, it's 55. Apparently, the people and their representatives think this state is so goddam lovely that to drive through it at a reasonable rate of speed would rob you of the chance to look at all the... trees? the hills? the ugly cities? the sad shotgun shacks?

The combination of the low speed limit and the high-traffic two-lane highway makes Oregon driving unnecessarily dangerous. Obeying the law (speed limit, maintaining the proper interval between vehicles, etc) is impossible, if you want to get where you're going (the hell out of this rotten state) alive.

Go to hell, Oregon.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

My Exclusive "Sex in the City" Movie Review

Everyone I know has been waiting excitedly for the most amazing movie premiere of the year, of course I am talking about "Sex in the City"! It is an amazing film about real-life privileged women who get to decide which men to have sex with, and which pair of shoes to wear while they do it. Also, they get to decide which purse to wear with their fabulous (or, if you will, "fab") dresses.

The movie takes place three years after the end of the series, and if you don't know what happened in the series then you suck. There are a lot of laughs, and a lot of tears, and some big surprises (one of the women gets leprosy, but you'll never find out from me which one! Okay, it's Samantha!). Of course the main character of the film is Charlotte, played by the lovely Kristin Davis, and she is luminous! The story is about how this sweet and funny character and some man that she lives with or something have this Chinese child that they adopted, and a bunch of really funny stuff happens in the movie, because you can't talk about sex (their favorite subject) when there is a Chinese child in the room with you. I loved watching Kristin Davis on the big screen!

"Sex in the City" fun facts:

Kristin Davis is the prettiest movie star ever!

Kristin Davis' smile lights up not only whatever room she is in, but also the entire state she happens to be in!
It's actually kind of a problem, because of global warming :(

Kristin Davis would never make a sex tape; she's too classy for that!

Kristin Davis would make me the happiest blogger in the world if only she would remove the restraining order and respond to my repeated calls and emails!

In short, I believe that "Sex in the City" is the movie to beat this summer!

"Sex in the City" star Kristin Davis looks luminous, as usual, at the premiere event for the film. Pictured with her are her costars, sickly and sallow Cynthia Nixon, tanning bed addict Sarah Jessica Parker, and bronzer goddess Kim Cattrall. It's a testament to Kristin Davis' generosity that she agrees to be seen anywhere with those other women, who don't seem to even know how to take care of themselves!

My Exclusive Interview With A Barack Obama Cultist

I recently had the opportunity to interview a devoted Barack Obama supporter. Here are her answers to my penetrating questions. I don’t know if the supporter, whom I’ll call “Verdant Miller,” is typical of Obama’s supporters, since I only personally know about 120 such people, but I do know that she is typical of the only supporter who was willing to sit down and answer some questions from me.

Question: Some people have suggested that Obama’s a sort of messianic figure, and his followers are like cultists. What do you say about that?

Answer: The movement of change that Senator Barack Obama inspires is not a cult. That’s ridiculous, and was probably dreamed up by some right-wing Clinton supporter trying to discredit him. I resent the question, and I don’t know why you would even ask it. Who are you supporting?

Q: I’m not supporting anyone for president.

A: You’re cynical, but there’s no need to be anymore. We finally have a candidate who’s willing to make real change. Not just in government, but in our attitude.

Q: Do you really think it’s the president’s job to change your attitude?

A: It’s cynical and defeatist attitudes like yours that have led to the present state of our country’s problems. People don’t expect their leaders to inspire them, so they vote for agents of hate like Bushit, McSame, and Shillery.

Q: What do you think would change if Obama were elected president?

A: Only everything! We’d see a new awakening in this country. We could finally reconcile our healing, and move forward in our program of change. The government could finally get around to doing what it was meant to do, such as providing health care for everyone, and good jobs that pay at least $15.00 an hour, to be increased each year to keep up with inflation, and sound economic policies that decrease inflation while increasing economic justice for everyone, and healing our environment and ending our dependence on oil and also ending high gas and food prices, and finally inspiring citizens to see that change begins with them, and only they can make real, meaningful change.

Q: So, you want the government to take care of everything, but you want citizens to make change for themselves?

A: I misspoke. When Senator Obama becomes President Obama, the government will make the change for us, so we don’t have to.

Q: Is there anything you think President Obama can’t do?

A: That’s a cynical question. If and when the real change occurs and the Republicans don’t steal another election and Senator Obama fulfills his destiny to become our mighty President Obama, you will lose your cynicism the way I have, and submit finally to the overwhelming power of a government headed by an enlightened leader.

Q: Now you really do sound like a cultist.

A: No; a cultist is a person who is in a cult, which is a group that is headed by one charismatic leader, and the cultist follows that leader unquestioningly. Barack Obama’s supporters are devoted to the feelings that he inspires in us. “Yes, we can,” he says. We can. The people. We the people, like it says in the Constitution. We love that about him.

Some Obama supporters, such as my interview subject, have taken to showing their enthusiasm for the candidate by wearing a mask of his face. They say they like the feeling of "closeness, almost like we are a little bit like Obama" that it gives them.