Monday, June 2, 2008

Is Oregon the most ridiculous state in America?

I have driven through almost every state in America, with the exception of maybe five or six (I'm not giving details, it's really none of your business), and this weekend I had the distinct displeasure to drive through what has been the worst state hands down, Oregon. What are the citizens of Oregon thinking?

First of all, the government in Oregon does not trust its citizens to pump its own gas. I'm not joking. Self-service at gas stations is ILLEGAL there. This makes no sense. They apparently trust you to operate the 2,000 pounds of baby-killing metal (and I guess I should be thankful for that, right?) but actually fueling the thing? No; let's leave that to the professionals. So we had to drive our vehicle to the pump, tell the man we wanted it filled with regular unleaded, and then leave the car and go into the "convenience store" to swipe the debit (this place didn't take credit), wait in line, and enter the PIN. In every other state I've ever driven through the process of fueling the car takes about five minutes. In Oregon it was a 15 minute exercise in tedium.

Moreover, I-5 is a measly two lanes most of the way through the state, with brief exceptions through parts of Portland (an ugly, pathetic city, sadly inferior in every way to the city it most wants to be, Seattle) and Eugene (by the way, why would you name a city "Eugene"? Was "Dogpatch" already taken?). Since this is the only real path from Washington to California (two states people actually want to visit), there is naturally a lot of traffic through this craphole. Why not spend a little money on your highways, or turn them over to someone who can actually run them? And, the speed limit through this Nowhere of the Northwest is 65, if you're lucky. Through much of the southern parts of the state, it's 55. Apparently, the people and their representatives think this state is so goddam lovely that to drive through it at a reasonable rate of speed would rob you of the chance to look at all the... trees? the hills? the ugly cities? the sad shotgun shacks?

The combination of the low speed limit and the high-traffic two-lane highway makes Oregon driving unnecessarily dangerous. Obeying the law (speed limit, maintaining the proper interval between vehicles, etc) is impossible, if you want to get where you're going (the hell out of this rotten state) alive.

Go to hell, Oregon.

No comments: