Tuesday, June 3, 2008

John McCain Trepanation Nightmare!

This is the scenario that very few expected, but that my sources in the McCain campaign were secretly dreading: John McCain has taken his love of trepanation to a new and dangerous level! For years, McCain has found that the only way to relieve his complete and utter looniness is drill small holes in his skull, usually no more than a pinprick in width. According to his book "Worth The Fighting For," (sorry, I don't have the page number in front of me right now) McCain claims that "[t]he soothing sounds of the drill as it pierces my skull is like a sensual din that ruptures all my troubles. The release provided, as those negative thoughts literally float away into the aether, is an exquisite necessity for this Senator!"

Lately, however, McCain has been complaining that the negative thoughts have been bigger than ever, and his judgment has been severely impaired. Against the wishes of his advisors, McCain recently indulged in what's known as the Trepanation Salvation, a sort of trepanning nuclear option in which the four main pressure points at the front of the skull are opened wide, about the width of a quarter. Unlike McCain's usual trepanation, these holes are clearly visible and cannot be covered by a simple combover or bandaid, leaving everyone scrambling to think of some way to cover them for his media appearances!

I'm told that Democratic candidate Barack Obama is considering making McCain's trepanation habit a campaign issue, and Republican strategists are already crying foul. One source told me, "If he thinks he can get any mileage out of this, then I guess Obama's campaign is in worse shape than anyone thought, and we can't wait for November!"

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