Monday, June 16, 2008

My American Gladiators Strategy

In spite of the presence of the reprehensible Hulk Hogan, I am an avid viewer of arguably the greatest show on television, "American Gladiators." As an avid viewer and therefore fan of the show, I would love to be a participant. However, I am shiftless and lazy, and generally avoid any type of contact sports. Or, sports in general (except running). Anyway, at some point I would like to be a contender on the show, and if I ever had my shot to go against Wolf, Titan, Justice, et al, I would use the following carefully thought-out strategies to achieve my victory:

My "American Gladiators" Strategy (By Event):

GAUNTLET: I would run away from the arena; there is no way I would get past any of the Gladiators on this event.

JOUST: I would seduce Crush. This would not help me win the Joust, but I would feel much better about it when I lost, as I certainly would.

: I would run crazily toward the Gladiator. If he did not step out of my way, I would take him into the water with me (10 points). If he did step out of the way, I would go into the water by myself (no points).

: I would stand beside the container with the balls and throw them at the scoring pods. I would not enter the field in which the Gladiators are waiting to kill me. If one of the balls went into a scoring pod, it would be a miracle.

WALL: I would jump into the water without trying to climb it. I need to save my strength for the Eliminator.

: I would ask Crush, the Gladiator I seduced, to put poison into a can of soda. I would ask her to give the soda to Wolf, and make sure that he drank it before my event. Hopefully she will not have put enough poison in the drink to kill Wolf; only to make him too drowsy to hang onto the rings. Then I would just hang on the ring and score my five points- there is no way I would be able to make it all the way across, as I have spindly little girl arms.

: I would lay down at the base of the pyramid and relax, perhaps even take a short, good nap. There is no way I would ever in a million years score any points on this event, and I need to save my strength for the Eliminator.

ASSAULT: I would run through the course until I got hit by a tennis ball, as I most assuredly would.

HIT AND RUN: I would crawl on my belly across the rickety bridge. If I managed to get across the bridge once, I would lay down and relax during any time I had left in the round, as I am trying to conserve my strength for the Eliminator.

ROCKETBALL: This is by far the most fun-looking event, so I would probably try to do well on this one, by putting all the balls in the two-point net. I expect I would probably score about 20 or 30 points.

: Yeah, right. I'm saving myself for the Eliminator. I would take a nap.

: I would sit there and wait for the Gladiator to catch me and pull the cord, as he most certainly would anyway.

: Because I'm a marathon runner, I might actually have a shot at scoring some points on this one. I would use my leg muscles to pull the bungie cord tight, and hit the button, sending the Gladiator flying, which I believe would score me another ten points.

SIDESWIPE: This is actually the title of one of Charles Willeford's best novels, but I haven't seen this event on television yet, so I can't offer any of my patented expert strategy on it.

TILT: I would let go of the rope, causing the Gladiator to fall in the water. I would score no points, but I would be satisfied.

ALTRASPHERE: I would take a nap in the giant ball.

ELIMINATOR: I would take it nice and slow, moving at my own pace, and hope that my opponent got hung up trying to climb the menacing travelator. If he gets hung up on that final obstacle (i.e., if he cannot climb it), then I might have a chance.



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