Saturday, August 23, 2008

Why Didn't "I Know Who Killed Me" Make Hundreds of Millions of Dollars??

It’s impossible to spoil something that’s already rotten, but I have revealed important plot information in the following entry, so if you don’t want to know what happens in “I Know Who Killed Me,” you might should stop reading now.

This week, one of the Starz or Encore (or are they the same thing?) channels played Lindsay Lohan’s last film, “I Know Who Killed Me.” In a fit of whimsy I set the TiVo, and I am so glad I did. How this film didn’t make $100 million I will never understand. Yes, it is bad, it’s wrong-headed and goshawful, but it is entertainingly awful. It’s one of the most entertaining movies of 2007.

Lohan plays a virginal high school or possibly college student named Aubrey Something, who likes to write and play piano. But she gives up the piano to concentrate on the writing. We see her in class one day reading a story about a girl who thinks she’s two people, or something like that. I couldn’t quite follow it and it’s not explained very well. Anyway, one night after the big football game (her blue-balled boyfriend is the quarterback), she disappears, and is believed to be the latest victim of a serial killer who has already abducted one student, removed some of her limbs, and left her for dead. And we’re actually treated to a few minutes of Aubrey’s torture, during which dry ice is applied to her hand and then pulled away, removing skin from her fingers.

A few days later, her body is found by the side of the road, with a missing leg and fingers that have apparently been cut off, and then reattached. But when she wakes in a hospital bed, she insists that she’s not Aubrey at all, but a tough-as-nails stripper named Dakota Moss, who dances at a place called Strip T’s and refers to cops as “fuzz.” The fuzz’s psychiatrist thinks that Dakota is just an alter personality that Aubrey has created to help her deal with t he trauma of being abducted and losing her right hand and left leg, but he just can’t find any holes in her story (her story is ridiculous, but it gets a lot more ridiculouser as the movie progresses).

Aubrey’s parents bring “Dakota” home, and set her up in Aubrey’s room. She insists that she’s Dakota, even though she looks just like Aubrey, and her parents insist that’s just who she is. The fuzz, who are inept and petty and couldn’t investigate their way out of a paper bag, run a dna test on “Dakota,” and find she has the same dna as “Aubrey.” So they’re still convinced that Dakota’s just an alter personality.

Dakota has sex with Aubrey’s boyfriend (loud enough so that Aubrey’s mother can hear them) and asks him, “Did Aubrey ever f*#k you like that? Did she ever f*#k you at all?” Nope, she didn’t, as it turns out. He’s kind of convinced, I guess, but asks her, if she’s not really Aubrey, then how did she get cut up? Aubrey then tells a completely cockamamie story of stripping and then going back to the changing room and pulling her glove off- only to find her right middle finger inside the glove! It’s fallen off! For no reason whatsoever! Because hospitals are for rich people, she goes home and tries to sew the molding rotting thing back onto her hand.

(By the way. For a woman who has a reputation as a wild party girl, the slow-motion stripping scenes are among the least-sexy things I’ve ever seen on film. Lohan struts and crawls a little bit, and spins around on the pole, but nothing more.

It was so unsexy, in fact, that it reminded me of the burlesque scene in Samuel Fuller’s “Shock Corridor” [A movie that’s slightly more plausible than “I Know Who Killed Me.]

And the sex scene isn’t any sexier:

Lindsey Lohan Sex Scene From Movie I Know Who Killed Me - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

The music sounds like it came from 1985. Back when they still used the word “fuzz” as a slang term for cops.)

So now you see when Dakota feels she can’t tell the police the truth- it’s because no one would believe her stupid and unbelievable story.

Except maybe Art Bell, the conspiracy jerk who hosts or used to host the cockamamie “Coast to Coast” radio show. When Dakota does a google search for unexplained limbs falling off (I just thought of something: the first article I sold to “Cracked” magazine, back in 1994, was titled “Awkward Moments For Limbs to Fall Off.” Maybe that’s why I liked this movie so much- I kind of inspired it, probably. The writer and/or director probably saw my article and thought it would make a great movie. Anyway.), she discovers a website about nonreligious stigmata, which leads her to a video in which Art Bell, in a variation of the old b-movie cliché of bringing someone in at the end of the movie to explain everything, is presented as an authority on the phenomenon of identical twins sharing grisly injuries through some kind of sympathetic psychic link.

This is obviously a great film, but the best part is that this explanation for Dakota’s limb loss is the least implausible part!

Dakota has known that someone in Aubrey’s home town had been sending her crackhead mother monthly checks. When her limbs started falling off for no reason, she decided to head out to said town and find out why. Now she thinks she knows why: Dakota and Aubrey were identical twins, born to Dakota’s crackhead mother. The child that Aubrey’s mother bore died, and Aubrey’s father bought Aubrey from the crackhead.

And that’s just what happened. After about a two minute confrontation, Aubrey’s father comes clean and admits that after his own baby died in the incubator, he went down the hall and bought one of the crackhead’s babies. Then brought it back down the hall to his wife and presented it to her as their daughter. How he got the hospital administration to play along with this is left unexplained.

Dakota’s been having silly psychic dreams about Aubrey and her captivity, so she and Aubrey’s father decide to go out and find her. I’m not sure how they do it, but they come to realize that it was Aubrey’s piano teacher (I think he was the other victims’ piano teacher, too) is the killer, so they go to his place. Aubrey uses her new bionic hand to grab the killer and cut his hand off, and later uses her bionic leg to kick the guy, and then stabs him in the neck with one of his own blue glass torture devices. Unfortunately, Aubrey’s father bites it. But Dakota follows the hoot of an owl (the owl from her dreams, that’s been watching the place out in the woods where Aubrey’s been buried- I’m sorry, I just can’t do this movie the justice it deserves. Some of Dakota’s visions or dreams or whatever you want to call them have involved an owl.) and comes upon the site where Aubrey’s been buried alive. She digs her up and the movie ends with the two of them spooning in the moonlight.

Gosh, what a great movie viewing experience this was. I would suggest inviting a few of your friends over, getting a nice box of wine, and some Ritz crackers with melted shredded mozzarella (recipe: place a pinch of shredded mozzarella cheese over Ritz crackers, place on cookie sheet in oven at 350 degrees for ten minutes. allow to sit for five minutes before serving), and watching this thing on dvd. Only the most churlish and bitter person could not be enraptured by this nonsensical piece of wonderment!

1 comment:

A.Jaye said...

I am churlish and I am bitter.

I've also got a ten minute rule: if a movie doesn't grab me by then - abort. I gave this thing 18 minutes.

I gave this post a little more.