Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Exclusive! I Receive A Major Award From the United Nations!

The United Nations, that august international body dedicated to social progress, human rights, and etc, recently named me the second-place winner of their 2008 Email Prize Awards! The exciting email notification I received is pasted below:

United Nations Trust Funds
Switzerland Department of Humanitarian Affairs
Palais des Nations CH-1211 Geneva 10


Dear Winner,

We at United Nations (UN) global office likes to
officially congratulate you for the draw that was just held by our
organization which featured you as the second place winner.

Our organisation holds promotions each year just to promote our global
publicity and reputations as we plan to exploit more corners of the world.

This promotion is just one of various ways we are presently using to
achieve this global vision of ours. Your email address with Winning
ID............(UNO-154/4456/011) was luckily drawn to be this year's
second place winner a cash prize of $550,000 United States Dollars. This
money we believe will enable you make some impact in the society.

Ensure you contact Mr.Micheal Solomon who is our claims officer in Africa.
(Nigeria) for more information and can understand only english
languages.See details of him below

Name : Mr.Micheal Solomon
Email :
Tell: +2347031363348

When contacting the claims Officer you should include the following

*** Your Full Name:.........................
*** Address:................................
*** Phone number:.........................
*** Age:...............
*** Gender:....................
*** Occupation:......................
*** Winning email and Winning ID:......................
*** Marital Status:.....................
*** Country:...................

We know you must be excited and very happy about this news you have just
received from us and the truth is that we are doing this to put smiles
into homes and hearts of people worldwide. Special greetings from the
entire Staffs of United Nations Trust Funds Worldwide.

Mr Ban Ki-moon
*NOTE** You must be 18years or older to claim. Late response is not
accepted.Misconduct and non adherence to instructions leads to prize

I'd better hurry up and contact "Mr.Micheal Solomon" right away to claim my prize! (I hope that posting this exciting news on my blog isn't construed as "misconduct and non-adherence to instructions"! I'd hate to miss out on that $550K!)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Twist Endings From My Top-10 Dreams of the Last Decade

SPOILER ALERT! What follows are the twist endings of ten of my all-time best dreams.

(1) I close the medicine chest and in the mirror I see the man who killed the dolphins, standing in the bathtub and covered in dolphin gore. He holds a long knife, and lunges toward me. Terrified, I am unable to move from the spot, and expect at any moment to be sliced to pieces. His body seems suspended in midair as it moves centimeter by horrific centimeter, ever closer to me. Tired of waiting, I leave the bathroom and travel back to third grade where I am expected to take a pop quiz testing my knowledge of the multiplication tables. All but one question is “4 x 3 =”. The answer to the odd question reveals the name of the killer (“George Clooney.” Not the famous actor George Clooney, but the dolphin killer George Clooney, who can’t help me get my spec script produced).

(2) Knowing that most cavemen hate the water, I stand on the edge of the lake and laugh at the caveman standing on the other side. Then, shockingly, he dives into the lake and begins swimming toward me in a relaxed but speedy movement that shows he’s been swimming a long time. Frantic and confused, I turn to run, and find myself in the hardware store that had been robbed by the religious zealots. The clerk who I thought was my friend turns out to be the brother of the “caveman,” who has just entered the hardware store, no longer wearing his caveman outfit. The two of them attack me with the same power tools that my father had once tried to teach me to use.

(3) The curtain rises and Carol Channing and Marilu Henner, in a pair of matching sequin-covered jumpsuits and top hats, take the stage. Their opening number is a rousing paean to their enduring friendship called “Carolu!,” which also gives the show its title. I am forced to admit that the show is good enough to save the theater, but for some reason the critic John Simon, sitting three rows ahead of me, disagrees.

(4) The bus driver turns toward me and I realize that it is my mother. In the same voice I’d heard emanating from the mysterious figure peeking at me and my girlfriend through my window on the night of the thunderstorm, she exclaims, “Why are you looking at me like that? Just pretend I’m not even here, like you always do!” Suddenly, she loses control of the bus, and it drives over a cliff-- falling, ever falling, seemingly never to land.

(5) My talk show is a failure in the ratings, and the organized crime boss who sponsored the show has called me into his office. Thinking I’m to be a “made man,” I step into the room feeling cocky, and I’m shocked to discover that I’m in the kitchen from the restaurant where I had my first job. I cannot leave until all the dishes are clean, and there is an infinite number of dishes. I ask one of my coworkers if this is just a dream, explaining that if it is just a dream, I’m not going to bother. He laughs and says, “If this were a dream, would I do this?” He then just stands there, staring at me, doing nothing.

(6) The man I thought was my best friend from grade school is actually a demon from hell, sent to torment me as part of a plan to steal my motorboat. When he steals the boat he laughs a laugh that echoes throughout time, and as the boat pulls away from the dock I see my girlfriend from first grade in the window, waving at me forlornly. She had stowed away in my memory, just as I’d asked her to!

(7) My girlfriend rescues her poodle from the burning house, leaving me lying helpless in the middle of the room with a heavy wooden beam covering my legs. As she passes me, she says, “You can save yourself, but my princess is hungry!”

(8) I slowly come to realize that the woman I see at the far end of the arroyo is a woman I once spoke to in La Posada at the University of New Mexico. Now that I am single, we are free to go out! Anxious to explain the situation- I’m sure she’ll be pleased- I start to run toward her, but the faster I run, the further away she seems. I decide that I should jump, so I begin jumping, each time rising higher in the air, but making no forward progress. On my last jump I can see that she is speaking to my mother, who is introducing her to the man for whom my college girlfriend left me.

(9) The comedienne Roseanne reveals her diet secrets, which involve lopping off her own limbs. She lays on the couch, armless and legless. "I lawst a good fif'y-six'y poun's this way, easy," she drones. I'm appalled both by her actions, and by the fact that our society favors thinness, which seems to have driven her to such a desperate act.

(10) The doctor who has just told me that I have a terrible, life-threatening disease tips over, and I realize that he’s a cardboard cut-out. I rise and step over the flat body, making my way to the mirror on the far side of the room. In my reflection I see that all my teeth are loose, and I realize that no one could ever truly love me.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Clown Haiku

Some people are afraid of clowns.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What My Vonage Visual Voicemail Thinks of the Republican Robocalls

I have Vonage, which is a pretty decent phone service. I'd be more enthusiastic if I actually used my landline on a regular basis, which I don't, because this is the 21st century and I have a cell phone. Vonage has been trying to get me to upgrade to their Visual Voicemail feature, and to that end they've given me ten free visual voicemails to see if I like the feature. Somehow, someone or something transcribes the message I receive on voicemail, and sends it to me as an email. But the whatever that transcribes the voicemails is imperfect. Case in point, the voicemail I just received today:

"Hello, I'm calling for the (??) because this is election is to important for you not to vote absentee. Democrats of black attempt to out (??) stream procedure such as partial birth abortion. And will appoint extreme activate judges who don't support our values. You should have receive that absentee balloting your male box. Please spill it out send in and use the power of your vote to protect a traditional I win values. This call was paid by the republic in party of (??) 515-282-8105 and no authorize by any candidate or candidate committee. "

I think this is one of those Republican robocalls that everyone's complaining about. The thing is, the message would be garbled anyway, even if the voicemail had been transcribed perfectly.* It's kind of charming that they called me with this, I guess. But irritating, because now I only have four free visual voicemails left in my trial period.

(By the way, I am aware the term "male box" is an oxymoron.)

*That is what is known as "political commentary."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Putting President Bush's Approval Rating Into Perspective

According to this poll, 20% of Americans approve of the job President Bush is doing. That's 20 out of every 100 people in the entire United States of America. There are approximately 300 million people in the US. 20% of that is 60 million people.

Think about that for a minute. 60 MILLION PEOPLE APPROVE OF THE JOB PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH IS DOING. That is a staggering number. It is a "60" with six zeros following it. It looks like this: 60,000,000. As of right now, approximately 5 people approve of the job I am doing, and one of them is a poodle. I would give almost anything to have the approval of 60 million people.

How many people approve of the job YOU are doing, dear reader (please don't get defensive- I approve of the job you're doing)?

It's possible this is just more bias from the MSM. They will report the "20%" number, but they won't put it into perspective. 60 million is a lot of people, and it's an impressive number. Remember that the next time you're watching Keith Olbermann.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"The Pick-Up Artist" is the best reality show on television, ever

"The Pick-Up Artist" is the best reality show on tv, ever. In it, a group of socially "challenged" young men, described by the show as "girls think of him as a friend," or "26 year-old virgin," or "never kissed a girl," or "voice cracks around women" are given lessons on how to start conversations with people- mostly women- in social situations. Their teacher is a guy who calls himself "Mystery", who dresses like a supervillain but has only the purest intentions in his quest to help unsocial doofuses achieve their dreams of actually-- you know, um, talking to total strangers.

The second season has just started, and in the first two episodes the students have picked out new wardrobes for their "avatars", gone to a Bingo game at a retirement center to chat up the elderly ladies, and been given the briefest tutoring in how to "open sets" (i.e., "start conversations"), which they then use in a club in which hidden cameras have been set up to catch every lovely minute.

The show is inspiring because the students are so eager to learn, yet still hamstrung by their painful shyness, and the viewer gets to feel a vicarious sense of achievement as they apply what they've learned from Mystery. Part of the brilliance is that despite being called "The Pick-Up Artist," the students aren't just learning about how to pick up women. They're learning to have the confidence to approach any social situation without fear. The focus is on speaking to attractive women because the students are actually afraid to do that. If hey can learn to speak to attractive women, they can learn to speak to anyone.

The best parts of the show occur when the students are sent to "open sets" in unusual settings, like the Bingo game in the second episode this season. Last season, the students had to open sets on an outdoor running path, and outdoor coffee house (in the middle of the day), and a strip club. (One of the students actually made out with a stripper in the back seat of a limo.)

Anyway, for what it's worth, I have a few humble suggestions, if the producers are reading this and contemplating a third season:

(1) MISSIONARIES: Mystery's students will be sent to pick up women who volunteer to go spend a year in some dung-hill country trying to convert starving people. Obviously these women are already quite impressionable, so this should probably be an early challenge. (Note: The first student who makes a joke about "the missionary position" will be automatically eliminated.)

(2) WOMEN'S PRISON: With this crowd, throwing out the wrong "neg" could get you shanked in the kidneys. The students will learn just how far they can push themselves without offending a woman while they attempt to "demonstrate higher value." (Perhaps the student who won a reward challenge would get to take cigarettes with him?)

(3) CONGRESS: There are more women in the House of Representatives than ever before. Probably. That seems likely to me. Anyway, women with power are still women, and the same rules apply to them as apply to the women you meet in clubs. Try wearing "bling" to get their attention- the more expensive it looks, the better, since they love to tax things.

(4) WNBA GAME: Just because they're all Lesbians doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them. Students could be taught opening gambits like, "Have you heard the new Indigo Girls CD?" or "Where's the nearest Home Depot?" The student who actually picks up a woman during this challenge will be automatically eliminated, since all the contestants are supposed to be men.

(5) YOUR OWN FAMILY REUNION: I'm thinking maybe this should be the last challenge. The ultimate pick-up artist should be able to pick up women any time, anywhere, including among his own relatives. The winning student should be able to "bounce" at least a cousin.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Lost My Virginity To Grover From "Sesame Street"

When I was a child, I was a big fan of “Sesame Street.” It was entertaining and educational, and featured characters that were, in their innocence, aspirational and inspirational.

Grover was my favorite. The lovable monster’s charm came from the fact that he never gave up in spite of the odds, and he never let anyone down, even if it meant running back and forth over and over again to simply teach a stranger the difference between “near” and “far.”

My home was full of Grover-related paraphernalia, from books to vinyl record albums to toys. One of my favorite such toys was the plush Grover doll that was a constant companion. Rarely did Grover leave my side- literally, in the form of the doll, or figuratively, as a friend who came to me ever weekday through the tv screen.

By the time I was three years old, I’d developed a healthy interest in sex- or, what my child’s mind thought of as “sex”. I started rubbing myself up against anything I could find. Perhaps it’s not surprising that I received little satisfaction in this, and soon came to intuit that I needed to rub against something with which I had an emotional connection.

Of course I had an emotional connection with Grover. I lay there in my bed, rubbing against the doll’s soft, sensual plushness. But still- there was no satisfaction, and I thought I knew what the problem was.

About six months earlier, when I was still two years old, I inadvertently walked in on my parents during the act of copulation. I saw my daddy putting his pee spigot into my mother’s oven and I understood, vaguely, that they found the action pleasurable. Perhaps that’s what was lacking in my experience with plush Grover?

Using a pair of dull-edge safety scissors I methodically cut an oven door into the space between Grover’s legs. Up to that point, I had always considered that Grover was a male, but as I was making the cut I wondered why that was. Aside from a gravelly voice, there was really no evidence that Grover was a “he,” and I knew plenty of women, mostly heavy smokers, who had gravelly voices.

Soon enough there was no question in my mind, the evidence was there on my plush toy- Grover was a she, and ready for my pee spigot.

I was satisfied, but I could never watch “Sesame Street” in the same way again. Before that time, I’d always hoped to see Grover in the episodes, and I was disappointed when he didn’t appear. Now, I dreaded seeing him. Whenever he did come on, a feeling of uneasiness would seize me and I’d avert my eyes, pretending I hadn’t seen him. Eventually I’d look at the screen and feign surprise. “Oh, hey Grover. I didn’t see you walk in. Still got those squeaky shoes, huh?”

I felt so inane, for ruining something that up to that point had meant so much to me. And for what? A few moments of fleeting pleasure?

I’m sorry, Grover. And, thank you.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Insights into the Worldwide Financial Crisis

I have finally decided to bring my considerable intellect to the problem of the worldwide financial crisis/market meltdown that is currently gripping the world within its might vise-like grip.

To that end, I decided to read this article about what's going on, when lo and behold, right there in the first paragraph I see they're talking about Bukakke. So now I'm distracted, thinking about Bukakke, and I think, As long as this crisis is about Bukakke anyway, why read the article when you can watch the movie? So I head over to pornhub and do a search for keyword: Bukakke, and do my research.

After a few minutes I'm thinking economics is fun.

Well a little later I'm feeling kind of tired but a little more clear-headed, so I decide I'll try to finish reading the article, especially now that I've done all that background research. Then I see that the word isn't "Bukakke" at all. It's "Bernanke," which I guess is the name of some guy who runs some kind of financial institution or something. So I guess I was wrong, economics isn't as much fun as I thought.

And that's what I have to say about the current financial crisis.

I Do Not Care About When the new Guns N' Roses CD is Coming Out

I am boldly proclaiming that I could not give less of a shit about when the new Guns N' Roses CD is to be released.

Guns N' Roses (or "GNR," as I'm sure their subliterate fans call them) released their last album of new material when I was in high school. I did not care for their music then. I preferred the music of Was (Not Was). For that reason, I was mercilessly beaten by the multitude of GNR fans who infected my high school. They would see me walking past them down the hall and leap from around the corner screaming, "Welcome to the jungle, fag!"* and then pound my face with their fists, all the while taunting, asking if I felt "knocked down, made small" and if I would ever be able to "walk the dinosaur" ever again. (Come to think of it, for a bunch of punks who claimed to hate Was (Not Was), they seemed to know enough about their music to make clever jokes while they pulverized me.)

Anyway, the joke is on them, because they're all successful businessmen, and I put dirty cartoons on the internet. "Welcome to the jungle" indeed.

*Aside: Why would an appreciation for the wry lyrics and driving funk beat of Was (Not Was) imply that I was a homosexual?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Possibly Suspicious Donors To Barack Obama's Presidential Campaign

Here's a list of some of the suspicious names of donors to Barack Obama's presidential campaign, offered without comment:

Claude Fraud

I. M. Notreal

I. Dhue Notexist

Sara Jo Sappho

Harry Muff

K. Y. Gialli

Lance Hunter

Cody Pendant

Ima Foney

Porter Alias

Slick Sputum

Jody Chalupa

Sage Basil Herb

Vanhouten Vulgaris

Dick Hardman

Willie Hummer

Dick Gothard

Sheila Grindstaff

Lucille Snowballs

Hugh D'Mann

Thursday, October 9, 2008


The opposite of “Keepin’ It Real” is “Keepin’ it Fake,” or “Fakin’ It.” As far as I’m concerned, there’s no room for that in MY world, where I am constantly striving to live by my three-word motto: Keep It Real.

If you want an example, here it is: I went to the grocery store awhile back, as I was hungering for my favorite dessert snack, Oreo Double Stuf cookies. I love the Oreo cookies, and my favorite part of the cookie is the cream center. So if you can get double the best part, as in the Double Stuf cookies, why don’t you do it? Now THAT’S what I call Keepin’ It Real.

Anyway, I am walking back to the car when I spies out of the corner of my very real eyes, a sign telling the patrons that the management of the grocery store can’t be held responsible for— well, just you take a look at this foolishness for yourself, kept real here by my cell phone camera:

Oh, hell no!

Oh, no they didn’t!

“You’re sorry?” Are you REALLY sorry? Because you don’t seem sorry to me. It’s YOUR foolish policy, so you damn well better not apologize for it, unless you are being FAKE, which is definitely what you are. If you don’t want to be responsible for cart damage to vehicles, that’s fine. We can fight that part out in court, if one of your damn carts damages my ride. But that “we’re sorry” business is pure condescending foolishness.

That is most definitely NOT Keepin’ It Real- that is Fakin’ It with a capital eff-eye!

It’s tough to Keep It Real, in a world such as this one. But ever do I strive for it. Because I’ve just got to—

you know.


Monday, October 6, 2008

Presidential Debate Thread for Tuesday October 7, 2008

I have a fine box of wine, foie gras, and a bag of bite-sized Snickers bars, so I am ready to watch this thing!

First of all, this thing better not pre-empt my beloved “House,” my current third favorite television show after “Californication” and “Dexter” (which is also one of Republican candidate John McCain’s favorite tv shows- a big point in his favor. I might actually vote for him if he says something positive about “Cheaters”). I will be POed, as my mother used to say.

Okay, “House” is on tonight, but it’s a repeat. At whom should I direct my wrath- McCain, Obama, or Fox? I’m thinking Fox, since they didn’t HAVE to run a repeat, so McCain and Obama have seriously dodged a bullet tonight. Poor choice of words in that last sentence- I hope the justice department isn’t reading this blog!

The question on everyone’s lips is, “Will this debate get as high a rating as the one the vice presidential candidates got?” The answer is “no,” unless they can get Joe Biden to make to a guest appearance.

Surprise! There’s Joe Biden! Oh, wait, that’s John McCain. Dammit, he looks old and used up.

I tell you, I can completely understand why Joe Biden called Obama clean and articulate. He’s both those things, and so much more!

Both candidates claim to be concerned about global warming, but neither candidate will vow to end all human life as we know it, the only sure way to completely eliminate mankind’s influence on the environment. Clearly, neither is serious about this issue.

The economy isn’t doing as well as some would like. Each candidate would like you to know that he has the right plan to get it to do what they think it should. That is reassuring.

Speaking of which, I just opened my quarterly 401(k) statement. In April it was worth $28,943.18. Today it is worth $3.29; not even enough for a McRib meal. I should have invested more in tobacco companies.

Each of these candidates has made regrettable decisions in the past, but this election is about the future! So which one of them has the greater future? My money is on the one with the most patriotism (i.e., “Love of his country, America”).

They’re dancing around this, so I’ll come out and say it: “Voters are really, really stupid.”

Obama just said he would only raise taxes on the “rich,” then explained that the definition of “rich” means having a 401(k) with more than $3.00 in it. I’m torn: On the one hand, I don’t want my taxes raised. On the other, now that I’m “rich,” it should be easier to score with the ladies.

We could win the war against terror if only terror would take on some kind of tangible form, possibly something resembling Cthulu. Seriously, John McCain would bomb the shit out of Cthulu, while Obama wasted his time trying to figure out which orifice to speak to.

Observation: These are two oily politicians.

Subsequent observation: When I say “oily,” I mean it in the sense that often in the animal kingdom certain creatures exude an oil-like substance that protects them from the outside world. I’m thinking in particular of the slug. So when I say McCain and Obama are “oily,” it isn’t meant as an insult- I’m simply comparing them to slugs.

Obama’s smile is winning, and so is he. An optimistic country, the voters like a candidate who knows how to “smile.”

McCain’s debate strategy, consisting of rending his clothing and kicking Obama in the shins, is an inspired choice, I think, and definitely plays to his strengths, while highlighting Obama’s weaknesses (he’s a weenie).

Obama’s counter, to shake his head sadly and compliment McCain’s shoes, also seems highly inspired. I’d like to see what the focus groups are dialing in on that one!

Here’s an idea: Put these two verbal gladiators into the Mixed Martial Arts arena and turn them loose on each other for three rounds. This would manage to bring legitimacy to both Mixed Martial Arts and the presidential race.

As long as you’re getting up anyway, could you bring out that other box of wine? Thanks.

I’m sick of all this high hat shit about “negative campaigning.” Until someone gets called a pedophile, it’s not “negative.”

Addendum to the above: Until someone gets called a pedophile WITHOUT CAUSE.

This is cute. Obama has just brought those little kids from the “We’re gonna spread happiness” video on the stage to sing the answer to the question about his health care plan. He’s the winner of this debate for sure!

For some reason, McCain seems to think the cloak he’s just put over his shoulders makes him invisible. He’s running around the stage making strange noises and calling out, “Where am I? Am I over here?… Or over here?”

Someone in the audience just slit open the throat of a lamb and threw the carcass on stage, at Obama’s feet. Awkward, but effective.

Oops. Turns out the lamb was intended as a sacrifice to Obama, and not a satire. Less effective.

If Dr Gregory House were the debate moderator, he wouldn’t put up with any of this shit- he would say something withering and biting, then he would tell them to shut up and realize exactly what the problem was, and then he’d tell them to start administering dilutinol or something.

Oh, man- John McCain just said Obama is treating the voters like the wronged people on the tv show “Cheaters.” I can’t believe this has happened. Looks like I’ll have to change my vote after all.

Another fantastic debate, in which the American people learned a lot of shit. I hope they’re happy and ready to make an intelligent decision. Tonight's clear winner: Democracy.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Some Observations on the Vice Presidential Debate Between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin

I realize I'm a little late in offering my observations on the all-important vice presidential debate, but the reason I am late will become apparent to the reader of these observations. It is because they are so thoughtful, penetrating, and reasoned, that they required a great deal of time and effort to properly formulate. So, here they are:

Sarah Palin’s charm is small town and folksy, and the Democrats had better watch out for that come November, because as much as the big city “people” in the beltway think otherwise, most “folks” in the US are small town and folksy.

Joe Biden is a skilled debater, with the power to be at once wonky and accessible. Most citizens really like this, meaning the Republicans have definitely got their work cut out for them come November.

Thought: It takes 270 electoral votes to win the presidency of the United States.
Contention: Each of these “running mates” will do everything in their power to help his or her presidential candidate reach that magic number- and they’re pulling out all the stops!

“Gwen Ifill”? More like, “Gwen I fill the room with important questions for these two unlikely candidates”!

Is it just me, or does Joe Biden really like to talk about things? Nothing in particular; just things. Take that, Republicans!

There were times when it was like Governor Palin was winking only at me. Watch out, Democrats!

Excuse me, but where was Libertarian vice presidential candidate Wayne Allen Root? His invitation must have been lost in the mail- but even so, couldn’t he have found out about it from all the news coverage, and showed up anyway?

These two verbal jousters were chosen to offset the perceived weaknesses of their respective running mates. Obama is seen as too thoughtful, and McCain is seen as too mean. Well, I say, just keep talking, Joe, and keep winking, Sarah!

First impressions: Of these two candidates, the one I would most like to have dinner with is probably the one who would be willing to sleep with me after the dinner. Since Joe Biden has trouble knowing when to shut up, I guess that means Sarah Palin is elected.

Freudian slip: In the previous paragraph I wrote “I guess that means Sarah Palin is elected.” I need to get my mind out of the gutter!

Fun drinking game for the vice presidential debate: Each time a candidate answers a question, I will take a drink. By the end of the debate, I expect to be very intoxicated- there are a lot of questions!

They say that people vote for the president, not the vice president. They say this because it is literally true.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Bunch Of Holier-Than-Thou Jerks Want You To Vote

There is a new video just out featured Leornardo Di Caprio and bunch of other jerks trying to ironically shame people into voting. It is so pompous and stupid and wrong-headed that it boggles the mind.

(Seriously- which candidate offers a contrary view of the war on drugs? Does that candidate have a chance of actually winning anything? How about the candidate who wants to go into Darfur? Do we really want another war?)

Supposedly by the end of this nonsense, the viewer is supposed to be sufficiently moved to actually register to vote. Di Caprio wearily shakes his head and says something like "if you still don't want to vote after this, I don't know what to say to you anymore." (You know, because their arguments are so compelling.)

I know what to say to you: Good for you! If you don't want to vote then don't.

The system of elections is totally illegitimate. Democrats and Republicans, the two major political parties, nominate people who are hypocritical sleazebags who will say and do anything to get votes, making promises they not only have no intention of keeping, but aren't even expected to. Then, members of these two clubs get elected to public office, and create election rules that make it onerous for anyone from any of the other clubs to get on the ballot to even to challenge them. They gerrymander congressional districts to ensure reelection for incumbents. They pass laws making it illegal to campaign for certain candidates.

And as the 2000 presidential election clearly demonstrated, with its legal challenges and recounts, the myth of one vote making the difference is- well, it's a myth, as I just stated.

Participating in such an enterprise only legitimizes it. There is never any change. In fact, very often if you vote for real, actual, legitimate change, you're told you're "throwing your vote away." By that logic, the only votes that actually count are the votes that are cast for the winners of the elections. So how do all of you Hillary voters out there feel about your wasted votes?

And I really hate it when some jackass says, "Well if you don't vote, you've got no right to complain." Actually, you have more right than the people who actually did vote. Those people went into their booths and exercised their right to maintain the status quo. Congratulations.

So if you want to vote, then great, go out and vote. Or you could actually do something proactive and positive, like help a little old granny lady cross the street. Something that's not just helping the members of two private clubs gather more power for themselves.

(In the interests of full disclosure, I'd like to point out that I have disliked Leonardo Di Caprio since the year 2000, when an ex-girlfriend told me that she would gladly give up our relationship just for the chance to have him put his tongue into her hairpie. We broke up not long thereafter.)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

McRib Is Back!

Those are not the three greatest words in the English language, but they're pretty damned close.

The McRib is McDonald's answer to barbecued ribs- a delicious processed meat patty (pork?), pressed into the shape of something resembling a piece of meat with meaty ribs sticking out of it. The sandwich is messy, like good food often is, and it is delicious, like good food always is.

Why do I love the McRib so much? Why not ask me why I love oxygen? Or why I love to take long walks on sandy beaches, or why I love to look at pretty girls? I love the McRib because it is the McRib, and to say anything more would be gilding the lily.

But some gilding is irresistible: The sauce is spicy sweet. The meat is just the right density and texture. The buns are sufficiently absorbent. Each bite is a gentle reminder of just how great it is to live in a world in which McDonald's exists- delicious food at low prices.

Just look at the bounty depictured in the photograph below! One McRib Value Meal, with a large order of french fries and a large order of McDonald's new and delicious sweet tea. And an extra McRib for only one dollar more! It's like they read my mind; one McRib is never enough! And all that for only about $6.75. I got at least nine dollars of joy and flavor out of this amazing meal.

The saddest thing about the McRib? It's only available in certain parts of the country, and at certain times of year. I hope for your sake that you live in just such an area, so you can run out and get your own little bite of heaven.