Monday, October 6, 2008

Presidential Debate Thread for Tuesday October 7, 2008

I have a fine box of wine, foie gras, and a bag of bite-sized Snickers bars, so I am ready to watch this thing!

First of all, this thing better not pre-empt my beloved “House,” my current third favorite television show after “Californication” and “Dexter” (which is also one of Republican candidate John McCain’s favorite tv shows- a big point in his favor. I might actually vote for him if he says something positive about “Cheaters”). I will be POed, as my mother used to say.

Okay, “House” is on tonight, but it’s a repeat. At whom should I direct my wrath- McCain, Obama, or Fox? I’m thinking Fox, since they didn’t HAVE to run a repeat, so McCain and Obama have seriously dodged a bullet tonight. Poor choice of words in that last sentence- I hope the justice department isn’t reading this blog!

The question on everyone’s lips is, “Will this debate get as high a rating as the one the vice presidential candidates got?” The answer is “no,” unless they can get Joe Biden to make to a guest appearance.

Surprise! There’s Joe Biden! Oh, wait, that’s John McCain. Dammit, he looks old and used up.

I tell you, I can completely understand why Joe Biden called Obama clean and articulate. He’s both those things, and so much more!

Both candidates claim to be concerned about global warming, but neither candidate will vow to end all human life as we know it, the only sure way to completely eliminate mankind’s influence on the environment. Clearly, neither is serious about this issue.

The economy isn’t doing as well as some would like. Each candidate would like you to know that he has the right plan to get it to do what they think it should. That is reassuring.

Speaking of which, I just opened my quarterly 401(k) statement. In April it was worth $28,943.18. Today it is worth $3.29; not even enough for a McRib meal. I should have invested more in tobacco companies.

Each of these candidates has made regrettable decisions in the past, but this election is about the future! So which one of them has the greater future? My money is on the one with the most patriotism (i.e., “Love of his country, America”).

They’re dancing around this, so I’ll come out and say it: “Voters are really, really stupid.”

Obama just said he would only raise taxes on the “rich,” then explained that the definition of “rich” means having a 401(k) with more than $3.00 in it. I’m torn: On the one hand, I don’t want my taxes raised. On the other, now that I’m “rich,” it should be easier to score with the ladies.

We could win the war against terror if only terror would take on some kind of tangible form, possibly something resembling Cthulu. Seriously, John McCain would bomb the shit out of Cthulu, while Obama wasted his time trying to figure out which orifice to speak to.

Observation: These are two oily politicians.

Subsequent observation: When I say “oily,” I mean it in the sense that often in the animal kingdom certain creatures exude an oil-like substance that protects them from the outside world. I’m thinking in particular of the slug. So when I say McCain and Obama are “oily,” it isn’t meant as an insult- I’m simply comparing them to slugs.

Obama’s smile is winning, and so is he. An optimistic country, the voters like a candidate who knows how to “smile.”

McCain’s debate strategy, consisting of rending his clothing and kicking Obama in the shins, is an inspired choice, I think, and definitely plays to his strengths, while highlighting Obama’s weaknesses (he’s a weenie).

Obama’s counter, to shake his head sadly and compliment McCain’s shoes, also seems highly inspired. I’d like to see what the focus groups are dialing in on that one!

Here’s an idea: Put these two verbal gladiators into the Mixed Martial Arts arena and turn them loose on each other for three rounds. This would manage to bring legitimacy to both Mixed Martial Arts and the presidential race.

As long as you’re getting up anyway, could you bring out that other box of wine? Thanks.

I’m sick of all this high hat shit about “negative campaigning.” Until someone gets called a pedophile, it’s not “negative.”

Addendum to the above: Until someone gets called a pedophile WITHOUT CAUSE.

This is cute. Obama has just brought those little kids from the “We’re gonna spread happiness” video on the stage to sing the answer to the question about his health care plan. He’s the winner of this debate for sure!

For some reason, McCain seems to think the cloak he’s just put over his shoulders makes him invisible. He’s running around the stage making strange noises and calling out, “Where am I? Am I over here?… Or over here?”

Someone in the audience just slit open the throat of a lamb and threw the carcass on stage, at Obama’s feet. Awkward, but effective.

Oops. Turns out the lamb was intended as a sacrifice to Obama, and not a satire. Less effective.

If Dr Gregory House were the debate moderator, he wouldn’t put up with any of this shit- he would say something withering and biting, then he would tell them to shut up and realize exactly what the problem was, and then he’d tell them to start administering dilutinol or something.

Oh, man- John McCain just said Obama is treating the voters like the wronged people on the tv show “Cheaters.” I can’t believe this has happened. Looks like I’ll have to change my vote after all.

Another fantastic debate, in which the American people learned a lot of shit. I hope they’re happy and ready to make an intelligent decision. Tonight's clear winner: Democracy.