Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Wilderness Gazette

I'm in Indiana for the holidays, and at the Community Closet out here in Nashville Indiana I discovered, for a mere ten cents, a creepy and strange little "newsletter" called "The Wilderness Gazette." It's full of highly questionable content, put together by an obviously deranged mind, with homespun homilies and ridiculous rustic history. It's the type of thing that would appeal to anyone who loves saws painted with images of mewling kittens. Of course I just had to scan it in and post it on my blog.

At some point, I might try to learn some of the history of the publication, and the people involved (Dirk Faroush, Troy Louden, Old Uncle Yoakam, Sappy, etc), but then again, it's probably not even worth it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Is Prince Really Opposed to Gay Marriage?

Prince is one of the greatest songwriters of all time. He's kind of a genius, or at least he used to be. Honestly, I haven't listened to much of his stuff since "Diamonds & Pearls." Anyway, The New Yorker recently ran a piece on him, in which

When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Early in the article we're told that Prince has been a Jehovah's Witness for about seven years. Jehovah's Witnesses have their own Bible translation, called the New World Translation. I've never read it, have you? How similar is it to the King James Version? There are a few stories of god sending plagues down upon the earth to clear things out; most famous is probably the story of the flood. Prince's non-sequiter doesn't really answer the question paraphrased at the beginning of the paragraph (and why don't we get the full question that the author asked?). I think it's possible that Prince, a bit of a trickster who once changed his name to a squiggly design that combined the symbols for male and female, was having some fun with the author.

After all, Jehovah's Witnesses are known for their practical jokes. How many times have they predicted the end of the world? 50 times? 100?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Not a Fan of the "Buddha Boy"

There's some punk hooligan in Nepal that claims to be- or maybe it's other people who claim this on his behalf- "the reincarnation of the Buddha."

(This is the same snot-nosed little jerk who foollowers (typo, but I'm keeping it) claim once meditated for ten months without food or water, but couldn't be examined by scientists to verify the claims because "his followers said it would disturb his meditation."

Anyway, back to today's story. This kid's big accomplishment is:

Believers say he spent months without moving, sitting with his eyes closed beneath a tree.

Why would anyone consider that a great thing? Who would brag about this? You're a lazy little twerp. At least play a video game or something.

I was a little irritated by this article until I got to the part that mentioned there were some who were skeptical:

But several Buddhist scholars have been skeptical of the claims that Bamjan is a reincarnation of Siddhartha Gautama, who was born in southwestern Nepal roughly 2,500 years ago and became revered as the Buddha, or Enlightened One.

Hooray for skepticism! Let's not take this cockamamie story at face value! But then there's the very next paragraph, explaining why they're skeptical:

Rakesh, a Buddhist scholar, told the Associated Press last week that being Buddha means the last birth and the highest level that can be achieved and there can be no reincarnation of Buddha, even though Buddhists believe in life after death.

He simply can't be a reincarnation of the Buddha, because the Buddha can't be reincarnated! But everyone else can.

Does this mean that if I'm not reincarnated, that I'm the Buddha? I think it does. That makes me the real "Buddha Boy." I expect to see a check soon.

(Aside: Why not send this scamp to China to help calm the terrifying attack Pandas they've got plaguing their zoo visitors? Surely a kid who can meditate for months without food should be able to soothe any savage beast.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

If Barack Obama Wrote The Ziggy Comic Strip

I took quotes from these websites that collect quotes and speeches by Barack Obama and put them into Ziggy comics from the last couple of weeks, to create a simulated glorious week of Ziggy comics. Enjoy!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Does Obama Have Sex The Same Way the Rest of Us Do?

We all know that president-elect Obama is "the messiah," and "the one," someone more than a man on whom so many of our financial crisised, paranoid citizens have projected their hopes. Even that stalwart of journalistic integrity, Chris Matthews, has said he'll do anything he can to help the administration of the man who sent a thrill up his leg.

Obviously a lot has been written about all the amazing things Obama will do as president, but there's one issue that I haven't heard nearly enough about: How does Michelle Obama engage in carnal relations with him? Personally, I've always found it difficult to sleep with anyone for whom I have too much respect. I have to have some, of course, but frankly, if I have too much then I'm unable to do all of the things that I like to do. And if I thought that person was the freaking messiah, for crying out loud? Uhm, no, I don't think I could "hit that."

Plus, for all we know, the man ejaculates butterflies or something. I mean, he really is amazing. It wouldn't surprise me.

Of course I've spent the last eight years thinking about what sex must be like for the Bushes. I have no doubt it involves cowboy boots and hats, branding irons and bridles. His silt is probably slightly acidic. It's easy to imagine because Bush is just an average human being. Possibly even a little below average. The same, obviously, cannot be said for Obama.

Here's to four great years, America!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Why Does Yahoo Think Elton John is Hillary Clinton?

I was checking my yahoo mail and saw this curious image:

"Senator Clinton eyed as Secretary of State," it declares. And it's illustrated with a photo (a rather unflattering photo, at that) of pop superstar Elton John. Why does Yahoo think Elton John is Hillary Clinton?

My Problem with the Anti Gay Blacklist

There is a website that purports to list the names of people who donated money to the campaign for California's Proposition 8 that banned gay marriage. It does strike me as a little bit creepy to list peoples' names in this way, primarily because I fear that someone might create such a website to uncover the names of donors to campaigns for state propositions to which I myself sent money, such as:

$7.34 to a proposition in New York that would have enshrined in law the idea that sex with a sexbot would not be considered cheating, if and when such a sexbot ever exists. (Based on the "vibrator principle," which states that a woman's use of a vibrator is not considered cheating- and what is an erotic, lifelike robot, if not a modern vibrator? At least in principle?)

Because the above proposition went down 50% to 49%, I sent an additional $2.89 to a fund to recount all the votes. Where is the missing 1%?

$4.53 to a proposition in Montana that would have legalized the hazing of children with freckles. That one's another close one, but we've just gotten word that several "misplaced" ballots were found in the northeast corner of the state, which is a hotbed of anti-freckle sentiment. Fingers crossed!

$4.21 to a proposition in Florida to ban humidity. I'm not sure how practical this one would have been- I think it was supposed to be more symbolic than anything else. Still, if we can get rid of humidity in Florida, I'm pretty sure we can take it out anywhere!

$5.68 to a proposition in Indiana that would have banned the use of the phrase "Hoosier Daddy?" in public places. Once we get that passed, we'll try to get it banned in private residences, too!

$2.46 to a proposition that would have banned the use of undercooked food in erotic acts in South Dakota. This one was intended to be a direct challenge to the Supreme Court decision in the famous State of Vermont V. Sashimi case, legalizing the practice. Seriously, people- it's unsanitary.

$6.54 to a proposition that would have required women to wear their hair up during an initial sexual encounter with a new partner in Arizona. I like a woman with long hair, but pin it back when we're going at it for the first time, you know? I like to get a clear view of what you're doing.

Anyway, I guess I hope no one reads any of this.

Oxford Researchers List of Tired Phrases- Two That They Missed

Stuffed-shirt researchers at the University of Oxford released a list of their top 10 most annoying phrases (because everyone loves top-10 lists- they're always sure to make a splash on digg!):

1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science

They missed two really irritating ones, in my opinion: First, I hate it when I have just told someone that he is an irritating douchebag and I do not like him, and said person then says to me, "Why don't you tell me how you really feel?" in an ironic tone of voice. Well, I have just told you how I really feel- I feel that you are an irritating douchebag and I do not like you (mainly because of that sharp wit you just demonstrated).

The second is when the woman you're dating tells you she's pregnant. Why the hell are you telling me that? It's not my problem.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Blind Items

(1) Which of my neighbors refuses to rake his leaves, angering his more conscientious neighbors (such as myself)? If you guessed the neighbor with all the rotting, foul leaves in his yard, you're right!

(2) Which of my neighbors was shocked- shocked, I tell you!- to discover that his son, captain of the football team, was paying a cheerleader to date him? Apparently he doesn't want it getting out that he's deep in the closet, and was using said cheerleader as a "beard", so that he could continue his escapades with certain offensive linemen! (Leaving him little time, apparently, to rake the damn leaves in his yard.)

(3) Which of my neighbor's wives has been receiving "special deliveries" from the postal carrier? Apparently this neighbor is about as effective in bed as he is at raking his damned leaves, which are getting into my yard, for crying out loud.

(4) Which of my neighbors should spend more time raking leaves and less time drinking? Because he has been showing up to work completely inebriated to the point of slurring his speech and being unable to stay awake for more than ten minutes at a time, his supervisor threatening to take him off the phone bank, and is planning on using the "bad economy" as his excuse to fire him?

(5) Which of my neighbors with an ill-tended lawn is trying to keep everyone from learning why his car is about to be "repossessed"? Although the car is completely paid off, his bookie is owed a lot of money, and will be taking possession of several of his belongings (the car's only the beginning) if he doesn't get some kind of payment soon!

(6) Which of my neighbors should expect to receive a strongly-worded letter from the neighborhood association because he refuses to rake his leaves? And which of my neighbors' inability or refusal to rake his leaves is a stinging metaphor for his inability or refusal to take control of his sad, pathetic life?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Supreme Court Takes Up Case of Use of Profanity on TV

The US Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether or not the FCC can fine broadcasters over the use of "fleeting" (one time) expletives.

Easy answer: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Case closed, right? But do you expect a group of people who are so immature, childish, and infantile that they can't even bring themselves to utter the "dirty word" in question to actually be grown-up enough to realize this?

"Why do you think the F-word has shocking value or emphasis or force?" Roberts asked. "Because it is associated with sexual or excretory activity."

The "Roberts" mentioned in the quote above is the "Chief Justice" of the "Supreme Court". Seriously, these people should not be in a position to decide anything important, if their "chief" can talk like that. And be taken seriously, no less.

(Aside: Chief Justice Roberts believes that "the F-word" is associated with "excretory activity." From this we can safely deduce that Chief Justice Roberts must be into scat sex.)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Really Bad News For Obama

First, there is this story, which shows that presumptive president Obama's elderly aunt has been living in Boston illegally for four years. That's not so bad. He probably had no idea she was here illegally. But it does get worse:

According to Federal Election Commission documents filed by the Obama campaign, Onyango has contributed $260 to Obama over a period of time. Under federal election law, only U.S. citizens or green-card holders are legally permitted to give money to campaigns. Onyango, who listed her employer as the Boston Housing Authority, gave in small increments to the Obama campaign. Her latest contribution was $5 on Sept. 19.

Election laws are ridiculous, arbitrary, capricious, and deliberately complicated. But, hey, the law is the law, right? Obama certainly thinks so, which leads to something even worse for him:

A statement given to the AP by Obama's campaign said, "Senator Obama has no knowledge of her status but obviously believes that any and all appropriate laws be followed."

Does that mean he wants to deport her? That seems like a cold, callous thing to do. Do you really want a president who's that cold and callous? If you had an aunt living in America "illegally" (sheesh) and you had a chance to help her, wouldn't you do it? Not if you're a real "law and order" type, like Obama.

But that's not the worst news for Obama. Apparently Garry Trudeau has created a "Doonesbury" comic strip predicting an Obama win.

I never thought I would say this, but it looks bad for Obama. So bad, in fact, that I have put together a picture of what President McCain will look like. Expect him to be wearing this outfit at his inauguration: