Sunday, November 9, 2008

Blind Items

(1) Which of my neighbors refuses to rake his leaves, angering his more conscientious neighbors (such as myself)? If you guessed the neighbor with all the rotting, foul leaves in his yard, you're right!

(2) Which of my neighbors was shocked- shocked, I tell you!- to discover that his son, captain of the football team, was paying a cheerleader to date him? Apparently he doesn't want it getting out that he's deep in the closet, and was using said cheerleader as a "beard", so that he could continue his escapades with certain offensive linemen! (Leaving him little time, apparently, to rake the damn leaves in his yard.)

(3) Which of my neighbor's wives has been receiving "special deliveries" from the postal carrier? Apparently this neighbor is about as effective in bed as he is at raking his damned leaves, which are getting into my yard, for crying out loud.

(4) Which of my neighbors should spend more time raking leaves and less time drinking? Because he has been showing up to work completely inebriated to the point of slurring his speech and being unable to stay awake for more than ten minutes at a time, his supervisor threatening to take him off the phone bank, and is planning on using the "bad economy" as his excuse to fire him?

(5) Which of my neighbors with an ill-tended lawn is trying to keep everyone from learning why his car is about to be "repossessed"? Although the car is completely paid off, his bookie is owed a lot of money, and will be taking possession of several of his belongings (the car's only the beginning) if he doesn't get some kind of payment soon!

(6) Which of my neighbors should expect to receive a strongly-worded letter from the neighborhood association because he refuses to rake his leaves? And which of my neighbors' inability or refusal to rake his leaves is a stinging metaphor for his inability or refusal to take control of his sad, pathetic life?

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