Saturday, December 6, 2008

Some Thoughts on the new "Star Trek" Movie Opening in May 2009


There is a trailer out for the next "Star Trek" movie that opens next summer. This version is a sort of "prequel," I guess, or an alternate history or "reboot," I don't really know. Most of the actors look really young. But you know what? None of them is Jean-Luc Picard, and that means I've got no interest.

I never particularly cared for ST, even after I developed my totally healthy interest in SF (which stands for Speculative Fiction, thank you very much), but for a couple of years, around 1994-95 or so, I did watch The Next Generation regularly. The characters were more interesting than the SF elements, but there were a couple of those elements I did enjoy.

For one, I really liked the holodeck, or at least the idea of the holodeck. Story-wise, it was probably a cop-out to set episodes on that thing, but it would be fantastic to have a big room where you could go and set a program to fully immerse yourself in another world. Picard himself went into that thing and played like he was a 1930s hardboiled detective. I think they set another in the old west (Worf was a sheriff or something- or am I thinking of that episode of "Red Dwarf" where the guys got stuck in a virtual reality video game?).

Now I like to think I know a little bit about human nature. And with TNG we're talking about a crew of maybe as many as a thousand or so living in the close quarters of a spaceship with only limited shore leaves. Eventually, somebody is going to want to use the holodeck to relieve some of his loneliness. And by "relieve some of his loneliness," I mean he's going to want to have sex with holograms.

Just program yourself into the middle of a zero-g space orgy and go wild. Or perhaps you'd like to make simulated love with the futuristic equivalent of Angelina Jolie or Eva Mendes? Just a few mouse clicks is probably all it would take.

Unless the bluenoses took over, the way they have here on earth, now. And this is why the new "Battlestar Galactica" makes "ST" in all it's versions totally obsolete. If there was a holodeck on BSG, they would do an episode about how everyone wanted to use it to make simulated love with the futuristic equivalent of Angelina Jolie or Eva Mendes, and everyone else wanted to stop them because it was "sinful" and "bad for their souls." I have a feeling, based on the way things are right now, that the holodeck would have some surf-control set up so that it couldn't be used for those kinds of things.

After all, there were lots of children on the Enterprise, and we do want to protect the children. Which means that the pornodecks would be left on "Deep Space Nine," probably being run by that libertarian alien (I think he was called a "Ferengi" or something), and therefore the Enterprise could remain "pure."

Maybe a captain like Picard, or one of the higher-ranked crew members could get some holodeck nookie (I think Picard did get some kissing in when he was playing that detective), but what is the lonely ensign to do? He's got no partner. His skeevy rep has spread to the few available females who now refuse to date him, and the ship is now full of temptations he can never have. Without the sweet relief of a pornodeck, what is this man to do? Masturbation will only do so much.

It's only a matter of time before, you guessed it, his you-know-what makes its way into one of those automatic food generators. Those were the other cool SF devices on the ship, the things that Captain Picard would stand before and say, "Tea, Earl Grey," and a cup of steaming hot tea would materialize (presumably Earl Grey flavored), and then the captain would drink up. They did episodes where they got all kinds of exotic foods, from all over the universe, from that thing.

So to satisfy his normal urges, Lonely Ensign sticks his you-know-what into that thing and starts pumping away, lustily moaning something like, "Oh that feels so good," which sounds suspiciously like "odatfilsogud," which just happens to be a Bajoran delicacy that is very, very hot, and that dish appears directly on his you-know-what, and suddenly he's all burned up down there and in the ensuing lawsuit he ends up owning the entire Federation. All because those damned bluenoses wouldn't let them use the holodeck to satisfy their normal urges.

So anyway, those are my thoughts on the new "Star Trek" movie.

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