Thursday, April 24, 2008

Winter Hands: A Poem About The Tragedy of Limbs Made Icy-Cold by Poor Circulation

This is arguably the greatest poem ever writ on the subject of poor circulation, and the toll it takes on two lovers in the conjugal nest. I think the greatest aspect of the poem is the way in which the meter plays against the rhyme, both internally and the other way. Also, the emotion is profound.

Winter Hands
A Poem By Ricky Sprague

Your poor circulation
Stops carnal relation;
The pain always lingers
From icy cold fingers.

The wine has spilled, and you have killed
Romance.
My heart has stilled, for you have chilled
Our manse.

It is hardly a treat
To be touched by your feet,
In the conjugal bed;
It’s the touch of the dead.

Your hands of ice do not entice
Surrender.
Take my advice: A warming device
Up render.

Dejected, blood fickle,
It slows to a trickle.
Even in weather warm,
Your touch is winter storm.

I have to scold your limbs so bold
Don’t paw!
Two hands enfold while I catch cold
Withdraw!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

New! Nigerian Spam Scam Emails Incorporating the World-Wide Rice Shortage


How would you like to turn this...

...into this?


Those spam scam emailers are at it again- this time using the rice shortage story to dupe unsuspecting Americans into giving away their possessions. Please to see below:

My Dear SPRAGUE;

I am Mr.David Mark. an Auditor of a BANK OF THE NORTH
INTERNATIONAL,ABUJA
(FCT). I have the courage to Crave indulgence for
this important (grains) business
believing that you will never let me down
either now or in the future. You are love, and. God is love, so you ar God. Some
years ago, an American Mining
consultant/ contractor with the Nigeria National
Rice and grains Corporation (CRUD),
made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued
$12M.USD (TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS, or 2 MILLION EURO DOLLARS) in an account. His name it was SPRAGUE, just as yours is today. On maturity,
The
bank sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no
reply.
After a month, The bank sent another reminder and finally his
contract
employers, the Nigerian National grains and Rice Corporation wrote
to inform the bank
that he died long story short- in a goating (i.e., riding a goat, or petting a goat, the goat kicked him in the yarbles) accident without MAKING A WILL, and all attempts
by the American Embassy to
trace his next of kin was fruitless. I
therefore, made further most fruitful investigation and
discovered that you do exist; SPRAGUE. This
money total
amount$12M.USD ( TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS; 1.3 MILLION DOLLARS EURO (american dollar has fallen since I began this important notice to you, SPRAGUE))is still sitting
in my bank as
dormant Account. according to
Nigerian Banking policy, after some years, the
money will revert to the
ownership of the igerian Government if the
account owner is certified dead. my proposal
is that I will provide you with the $12 M USD or 765,000 DOLLARS EURO if you will pleas to send to me five 20 LB bags of jasmine, basmati or long-grain white rice, as our local Costco will not allow me to buy them all at once.

Please remit such bags to me at your most delicate
Leisure, that I may then humbly turn over to your Bank account the amount
of $12M. USD (456,789 EURO DOLLARS AMT) for our service.
You are a good foreigner such that I am looking for in this endeavor. I look forward to your
earliest reply.
Yours,
Mr.David
Mark.


Of course the saddest thing about this is that there are people out there who will fall for this. That is what fills me with the most indignation!

The Incredible McCain Hulk!


John McCain's temper is legendary. Turns out, he's a dangerous asshole. A real hulking menace, so to speak. That's why I dummied up this stupid little movie poster, complete with actual "raves" about that notorious temper! It's sure to be a smash hit!

Sources of the photos are here and here.

Sources of the quotes are here and here and here and here and here and here.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hillary Clinton: Satanist?



Drudge has a picture of Hillary Clinton giving what appears to be the Satanic hand gesture to a crowd of adoring fans (the fans aren't pictured, but it's a safe bet they're young, nubile Lesbians fornicating in the blood of virginal children). I have been reluctant to post on this topic because I don't want to be alarmist, but I think it's pretty obvious what this means, isn't it? Don't let the question mark in the title of this post fool you, I did that for purely legal reasons. Replace it with an exclamation point and you have the gosh-honest truth about "Ms." Clinton. Don't believe me? Check out some of the compelling evidence at this website. Or this. Or this one, which is where I got the devil hands picture.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Pentagontators!


The Pentagon has been coaching representatives of independent military contractors to go on news shows and commentate about the war on terror etc. We shouldn't be surprised to learn this, based on some of their commentary.

Photos were swiped from the New York Times article linked above.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

For Senior, Diarrhea a Medium for Art, Political Discourse

Art major Alicia Sfarts wants to make a statement.

Starting next Tuesday, Sfarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of her nine months of self-induced diarrhea. Her exhibition will feature video and sound recordings of her diarrhea, as well as preserved stool and other “diarrhetical matter.”

The goal of the exhibition, according to the artist, was to create a “diarrhea dialog,” on the relationship between art and feces. But her project has already provoked more than just a dialog, including an outcry from other art majors, as well as students from the school of gastroenterology.

But Sfarts insists her project was not meant to “shock.”

“I’m sure that some narrow-minded people just won’t ‘get it,’" she said, "but I didn’t do it to be scandalous. I wanted to draw attention to a very serious problem.”

The art exhibit will feature a toilet suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Dookie Hall. A hose will then be attached to the bottom of the toilet, which will carry the feces up into the toilet. From out of the center of the toilet will bubble her diarrhea, which she has mixed with all-natural organic palm oil, which acts as a preservative. “I’ve collected about 400 gallons of it,” she said. “So it will bubble and drop down on the spectators below for the length of the exhibition.”

Art major Juan Craptillo said he was captivated by the beauty of the exhibition, but said that many others didn’t share his enthusiasm. “Most people are very closed-minded when it comes to new things. They don’t want to think about what an exhibit like this really about.”

When asked what the exhibit was “really about,” Craptillo replied, “You know. Poopy!” Then his face got really red and he giggled.

A student who wished to remain nameless stated that she thought the exhibit was just a shameless and ludicrous publicity stunt. She went on to add that millions of people die from diarrhea-related dehydration every year, although none of them are spoiled brats who have grown up with every privilege, never been in any real danger or suffered any meaningful threats to their health or safety, never had to make any real decisions or do any real work, looking to make a name for themselves by creating "challenging" "art" “projects” that are nothing more than shit.


Inspired by this silly story of a Yale Art student supposedly inducing miscarriages as part of an art project which can be found here. Is it a hoax? It's still silly.

The Pope is in America. The Pope Blames America For Pedophile Priests.


That is what he said. Check out this article.

The photos for my little comic were swiped from here.

Some Really Important Stuff Was Discussed at the Democratic Debate in Philadelphia on April 16


Here's a comic about those important issues. Photos swiped from here.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Hillary Clinton Is Serious About Dealing With The American Healthcare Crisis


She is so serious, she will make stuff up to prove how serious she is. That is serious.

It's also a wonderful mark of her commitment to saving the citizens this great nation. She's not afraid to take on "Big Hospital," or the powerful hospital lobby.

Photos swiped from here and here.

Friday, April 4, 2008

EXCLUSIVE! Heidi Montag's New McCain Tattoo!



"The Hills" "star" Heidi Montag isn't just endorsing Republican John McCain for President- she's gotten his face tattooed on her stomach! As you can see from this incredible photo, Heidi is an extremely dedicated McCain supporter!

And her dedication doesn't end there, as the photo was actually taken during the shoot for her new music video, which is all about McCain! The song, called "McCain Train", was written by Heidi and her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt! (Sample lyric: "Ride that McCain train/McCain train/McCain train/La la la la/Ride McCain train hard/All over the yard/McCain train/McCain train"!)

My sources tell me that over all Spencer is very supportive of Heidi's new look, but notes that they now do it doggy style much more often.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

EXCLUSIVE! John McCain Vice Presidential Running Mate Short List

PCMR Newswire Exclusive By Ricky Sprague

My sources tell me that John McCain has narrowed the list of possible running mates to five lucky contenders! My sources have also provided me with the list in question, complete with pros and cons for each contender!

Ashley Alexandra Dupre:

Pro: She forced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to resign in disgrace, showing she has what it takes to bring down a seemingly invincible Democrat!

Con: She is a 22 year old prostitute.



Barack Obama:

Pro: He's very popular with Independents, a constituency that John McCain is trying to reach out to.

Con: Hillary Clinton is trying to get him to run as her Vice President.



Condoleezza Rice:

Pro: An integral part of the current administration, which McCain is trying to extend.

Con: An integral part of the current administration, which McCain is trying to extend.



Bob Knight:

Pro: His volatile temper makes him the perfect foil for the soft-spoken McCain; he's also an excellent fisherman.

Con: Picked Pittsburgh to win this year's NCAA tournament.



Mike "F*ckabee" Huckabee:

Pro: He is well-liked by social conservatives, and has God on his side.

Con: God didn't help him win the nomination, did He?



I guess we won't know for certain which of these lucky people will get the nod from McCain, but one thing is absolutely beyond dispute: It will for certain be one of the five people on this list, and you can bet money on that.

Carrie Pugsky contributed research to this story.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Poodle Bitch Submits to an Angry Bill Clinton


For all her intelligence, Poodle Bitch has a soft spot in her heart for Bill Clinton. I can't figure it out. She finds him "charming." Lots of bitches do, from what she tells me. Anyway, as a California Democratic Superdelegate, she was at a meeting in which the former president became angry and started wagging his finger at those in attendance, as if scolding them might improve his wife's poll numbers and take back Bill Richardson's endorsement of Obama. Poodle Bitch feels submissive to the former president. Lots of bitches do, from what she tells me.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

President Bush Ruminates While Throwing Out His Last First Pitch of the Baseball Season


What do you suppose our current president was thinking about when he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' baseball game? Was it melancholic introspection? Did he despair for the future of the country he now leads?

Bush photos swiped from here. Obama photo from here.