Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Sperm! The Motion Picture" Selected as one of the "Best of 2007" by Sydney Underground Film Festival!

I've just been informed that the amazing group over at the incredible Sydney Underground Film Festival have (has?- it's in Australia so I'm not sure) selected "Sperm! The Motion Picture" for inclusion on their "Best of 2007" DVD release! This is terribly exciting for me, and hopefully it's terribly exciting for them! And for Chris Gortz, Jon Ripper, Mark Howell, Tina Louise, and Diane Rose!

I hope all my fans will purchase the DVD, and also purchase region-free DVD players, since they're probably going to be region 2s.

More information when the DVD is actually released, in the meantime, here is the Sydney Underground website. And here is the "Sperm! The Motion Picture" website.

Also, "Trilby" screened at some point this week in England, at Ripple Fest. Wish I could have been there, but I'm travelling all over the country right now and couldn't make it. But I will be in the UK in July, so they have that to look forward to.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A Poem About Death

Travelling across the country has given me new insight into death, I suppose. Specifically, driving through Montana, which is where I composed the below. Did you know that there are places where people pay for fast food with checks? I guess check cards haven't made it to South Dakota or Montana yet. In my (roughly) 25 years (give or take) I don't remember ever having seen that, then I saw it twice in one day, in two different states.

Anyway, my new poem is arguably the greatest piece of doggerel I mean poem ever composed on the terrible yet fascinating subject of death. It provides important insights.

"Don't Work No More"
A Poem By Ricky Sprague

Danny's eyes just stare;
Nothing's there!
They're shrivelled and cold;
Gone to mold.
His eyes don't work no more.

Jimmy don't make water
Like he oughter.
It's bloated and distended
Since he ended.
His penis don't work no more.

Andy just can't inhale;
He's gone stale.
He'll never catch his breath.
Such is death.
His lungs don't work no more.

Larry's brain is sinking-
Not thinking.
Synapses no longer fire.
It's quite dire.
His brain don't work no more.

Tommy's legs stopped runnin';
He's been done in.
"One foot in front of the other"?
Not anymore, brother!
His legs don't work no more.

Bobby's heart don't pump.
It's just a lump.
His blood's gone congealed,
No way to be healed.
His heart don't work no more.

No matter who, you will go.
Sad to know.
Those who once wished you the best
Will lose all interest
When your body don't work no more.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Incredible, Possibly Untrue, Animal Facts!


American Ants get about 1 week of vacation time per year, which is on average two months less than their European counterparts.


Your Kitten is not nearly as cute as you seem to think it is.


Giraffes do not give a shit about global warming.


Pigs love the sweet flavor of Honeybaked Ham.


Alligator fellatio is considered very dangerous.


Dolphins are easily trained to leap out of the water because they are allergic to it. That is why their skin is always discolored and puffy.


An ostrich will have sex with anything, hence the continuation of the species.


Attractive women feel more comfortable and more able to "just be themselves" around gay snakes than heterosexual ones.


Contrary to their reputation, owls are very stupid. They can be tricked into believing that a stuffed animal is their mother. If that's not stupid, I don't know what is.


Snails cure hangovers by drinking their own urine.

Photos swiped from:

Ants
Kitten
Giraffe
Pig
Alligator
Dolphin
Ostrich
Snake
Owl
Snail

Sunday, May 11, 2008

WANGBONE THE BARBARIAN IS COMING!


Who is Wangbone the Barbarian? What is Upper World University? These questions and many others will be answered when the exciting new film "Wangbone The Barbarian" opens this week! It is the biggest, most amazing film of the summer, and it is sure to have everyone saying "I love Wangbone!"

From the Nubility Chronicles:

"O hearken, verily, of an age after the days when the Old Ones did crush the dirt of Abyssmalnia beneath mysterious feet, but before that era when men first did venture to the farthest reaches of The Welkin, there was a neverwhen unimaginable. When sorcery, magic, and magick fought 'gainst sword and sinew. When Upper World did keep separate from Lower World. And into this mysterious Upper World there rose an institution of higher learning known for its fantastic athletic programs, and its pillaging. The Big Man on Campus was called Wangbone, destined to earn a scholarship in reaving, to be dumped by his girlfriend, and to inadvertently cause an all-out war to develop betwixt Lower and Upper World!"

Friday, May 9, 2008

Jokes About Your Favorite Celebrities: Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Jamie Lynn Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson!

A joke about Paula Abdul:

She once lost a spelling contest to the black stuff between her own toes. Why would she even enter such a contest? She was told that the first prize was self-respect. She didn’t realize that self-respect is something you have to earn on your own; it can’t be awarded by someone else!

A joke about Paris Hilton:

She is so dumb, she thought an iPod was a breathing device. The reason she put it into her vagina was because one of her ex-boyfriends fell in, and when rescuers couldn’t get him out, he complained that it was difficult to breathe.

A joke about Britney Spears:

For a Starbucks gift card with $34.19 in credit on it, Britney Spears inadvertently sold her two sons to the ringleader of a worldwide child prostitution ring. The sons were taken to Thailand, where by day they were forced to work in a factory making shoes that cost over $250 in America. By night, they were used as the playthings of the most sickening, twisted, and perverted businessmen from around the world.
When she was presented with her “Mother of the Year” award by the National Parents Association, the plaque read, “Presented to Britney Spears, our Mother of the Year, For selflessly allowing someone more qualified than her to raise her children.”

A joke about Kim Kardashian:

Her buttocks are so large.
How large are they?
They are so large that that is all she is known for.

A joke about Jamie Lynn Spears:

Boy who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant: Come on, let me have sex with you.
Jamie Lynn Spears: Okay, but use a condom.
Boy: Why?
Jamie Lynn: Because I don’t want to get pregnant.
Boy: You can’t get pregnant on your first time.
Jamie Lynn: I’m not a virgin.
Boy: But I am.
Jamie Lynn: Then put it into me!

A joke about Jessica Simpson:

Jessica Simpson is dating a professional football player because her breasts remind him of footballs.

A joke about Lindsay Lohan:

One night Lindsay Lohan got very drunk and forgot to get her bikini area waxed. She had a full day's growth of hair down there. When she found a man she wanted to have sex with, she was too embarrassed to let him see her with so much hair, so she told him that she could not have sex with him that night, because she was on her period. The man said that he didn't mind the menstrual fluid, since all he really wanted was to have sex with her. But she said that she had a problem with her flow, it was very, very heavy. Sometimes she would lose over three quarts of fluid during her cycles, sometimes within a few hours. Again, the man said he didn't care about that, he'd fallen in love with her in the ten minutes they'd known each other. Still not wanting him to see her unshaven, she explained that in addition to being on her period, she also had some kind of disease caused her to discharge a substance that had the consistency of Karo syrup, the odor of spoiled milk, and the feel of battery acid. The man looked deep in her eyes and told her that all he wanted was to share a special moment with the new love of his life, and he would brave all to do so. Finally, she could see the sincerity in his face, so she hiked up her dress and exposed her hairiness. "Oh my god!" the man said, disgusted. "I'm not putting my dong into anything that looks like that!"

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

EXCLUSIVE! Hillary Clinton Announces She is Dying from Unnamed Disease!


PCMR Exclusive story by Ricky Sprague

In Indianapolis Indiana last night, following her loss in North Carolina's primary, and her win in Indiana's, Hillary Clinton announced to supporters that she has a disease which has apparently left her with only four years to live. After receiving hugs from her understandably emotional family, she stoically told supporters that she was dying.

"My hope is that this news doesn't change anyone's opinion of me, or my campaign," she continued. "I mean, I'm dying, slowly and painfully, from a disease. It is a scary time for me, but it's not nearly as scary as what our country's future will be, if you don't elect me your president!"

Mrs. Clinton went on to add that she will not give up, ever, on her quest to lead the country out of recession, and to help institute change, until her last dying breath is gasped from out between her cold, disease-ravaged lips.

Mrs. Clinton would not reveal the name of the disease she has, because she doesn't want to worry her supporters too much.

Obama supporters have been quietly telling me that they think this is all just a cynical stunt to generate sympathy votes and justify her continued presence in the campaign, but are reluctant to go on record for fear of criticizing a dying woman.

Carrie Pugsky contributed to this story.

Photos from here.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Some Terrifying New Supervillains Based on Terrifying News Items!


There is a lot of scary stuff out there in the world right now. Some of it villainous. Some even rising to the level of supervillainy, of the type you might find in a hot new film such as "Iron Man" or "Batman: The Dark Knight" or "The Incredible Hulk" or some other superhero type film. So here is a list of four terrifying characters that would strike fear into even the stoutest of superhero hearts!

Photo sources: Magneto, Mystique, Ahmadinejad, Competitive Eater, Bernanke, Hulk, Toad, Hot Dog, Hillary Clinton.