Sunday, December 27, 2009

Whatever CNN Paid Jasper Schuringa, It Wasn't Enough

CNN is one of those 24 hour "news" channels (fourth or fifth place in the ratings), perhaps most famous for its coverage of the "balloon boy" saga, in which they dropped everything to tell the world that a little boy was stuck in a balloon that was soaring over the Colorado sky.

One of their top newsreaders (or, "newsactors," as shampoo calls them), Wolf Blitzer, flexed his journalistic brain to take down the Balloon Boy on national television. That was important stuff.

Also important: When Mr. Blitzer "fact-checked" a "Saturday Night Live" skit.

Wolf Blitzer doesn't have any direct connection to this story, except that he's still employed by CNN. I just think this image is really, really funny.

Those things were apparently more important than interviewing Jasper Schuringa, one of the men who laid out Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the jerk who (allegedly) attempted to either explode or incinerate or start a fire on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. Because CNN let Mr. Blitzer stay in bed, and put someone called Fredricka Whitfield on Mr. Schuringa's case, in an interview that is gloriously awkward, and deserves a spot in my top-10 films of the year list:

It starts out rather unpromisingly for Ms. Whitfield, who seems to not know exactly who Mr. Schuringa is, or is his part in the story. For his part, Mr. Schuringa exhibits a charm and easiness on camera that is only magnified by his good looks and his urbane accent. The bandaged hand, and the fact that his actions potentially saved at least 200 lives, don't hurt.

But then, about 5:30 into the interview, it's clear that Mr. Schuringa becomes completely bored with Ms. Whitfield. I don't blame him one bit. Seriously, what business is it of hers-- or the rest of the world-- that he lives in This European City? Or that he's vacationing in That American City?

He's the guy who foiled a terrorist attack, and she's asking him where he lives? Should the Department of Homeland Security be investigating CNN?

CNN has a hunger to feed. It needs content. They managed to score an exclusive interview with this man who is a genuine hero. But how did they do it? Did they harass him, calling him on the phone, knocking on the door of the home where he's vacationing? What was the process by which CNN got this "exclusive"?

For all we know, this man just wants to get on with his life, or at the very least his vacation. Did he really want to do an interview with a television news network? If he hadn't, would the reporters have let him alone, or would they have camped out at his vacation home, the way they camped out outside the Balloon Boy's house?

Mr. Schuringa probably didn't want an incident like this happening outside his vacation spot, and so acceded to CNN's interview request. That's just speculation on my part, but seriously, if you were on vacation, would you want a bunch of reporters hanging around your house?

And the writer at mediate (source of the above video) is tsk-tsking the fact that Mr. Schuringa got paid for his time?

Here is a lesson in how journalism (and really, life) works in 2009: the passenger on Northwest Flight 253 being billed as a hero for helping subdue Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab will tell you his story – but only if you pay him money.

But Jasper Schuringa was already on CNN, you say? Well CNN paid up.

How much does CNN make from this interview? Presumably, even CNN's dismal ratings would go up when they've scored an "exclusive" interview with the hero Jasper Schuringa. More eyes mean higher ad rates. So why should CNN, a bunch of inept jerks who kept telling us a six year old boy was trapped in a balloon, make money when a real hero is expected to just give away his time for free?

While network shows like ABC’s 20/20 or NBC’s Dateline often license photos and video for interviews, it’s rare to see CNN get into the mix. Obviously they wanted to land the “get” – but at what cost, literal and figurative?

Groan. The state of journalism in America is at stake! Because Jasper Schuringa got a little scratch. Yeah, that's what's killing journalism.

Wolf Blitzer on Jeopardy! pic source.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Brand New Stumpy Claus Video, Just in Time for Christmas 2010

For some reason I cannot fathom (not that I'm particularly prone to self-examination), I have created one last "Stumpy Claus" short for 2009. It is a bit on the dark side.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"Avatar" as Some Kind of "PSA"-- Or Not. You Don't Have to Think About it if You Don't Want To. But if You Don't, We're All Gonna Die

There is a filmmaker called James Cameron, who made "The Terminator," about a cyborg from the future who goes back in time to perform an abortion, "Terminator 2," about a cyborg from the future who goes back in time to kill a teenager and destroy the planet, and the woman wrongfully imprisoned in a mental hospital who attempts to stop him, and "True Lies," about a secret agent who enforces American foreign policy in the Middle East and saves his traditional marriage and family in the process, who has a new film coming out called "Avatar." Perhaps you've heard of this film. It is supposed to change the way we watch movies, or something like that (perhaps by inducing nausea in viewers?).

A lot of people are saying that the movie also has a politically left-wing, or environmentalist, agenda. Including Mr. Cameron himself:

Actually, I am glad that Mr. Cameron is a better filmmaker than public speaker (and he is one of the best living filmmakers), because I cannot tell what exactly he is saying in this piece. Or is it just that it's so badly edited?

Anyway-- transcript of Mr. Cameron's take:

Well, anybody that would say it's a 300- well, first of all it's not $300 million, but, what, at whatever price tag it's a PSA for, for, for uh global warming, umm obviously republican (laughs) ah, you know. But anyway, the, uh, look, there is, there is a theme- I don't want to say message, because it's not beating it over the head; there's a theme, and I think that it's a theme that's a legitimate one, one that I care very passionately about, and by the way I think that if we want to survive as a species we better ALL start caring about it. But, you can enjoy the film as a straight adventure story ahhh, as a romp through the jungle with a lot of action, a lot of ah white knuckle chills and spills-- or, you can THINK about your entertainment. You as the consumer have the choice.

It's nice of him to tell us that we have the choice as to how we consume our entertainment. But is it not clear how Mr. Cameron wants us to consume it? This "romp through the jungle with a lot of action" has a theme, a legitimate one that, well, we ALL better start caring about. But if you don't want to care about it, that's okay. Except that we WILL DIE AS A SPECIES IF YOU DON'T. So you'd better care about it. But you can forget all of that for the nearly three hours you're watching the film. Because you can-- if you don't want to THINK about your entertainment-- just watch this movie as a white knuckle jungle adventure.

Okay, that part of his statement I understand. But what about that first sentence, the one about republicans? Is he saying that republicans are the ones making a big deal about his film's environmental message? Is he suggesting that's ludicrous? Because the rest of his statement contradicts that. Is he suggesting that the idea that anyone would give him not exactly $300 million for an "environmentalism PSA" is ludicrous? Because the rest of his statement tends to contradict that (I'll give him some leeway on that because the term "PSA" suggests not entertainment but preaching-- like those "The More You Know" segments). Is he suggesting that republicans aren't environmentalists? His famous star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, contradicts that idea.

So he seems to be dismissing the idea that his film has some kind of message, then says it has a message, then says that people don't have to listen to the message if they don't want to, then says that if people don't listen to his message we're all going to die.

I really hope the actual movie makes more sense than this. I also hope it doesn't make me nauseous.

Avatar's message: Buy Big Macs at McDonald's. Or, don't pollute the jungle.

McDonald's Avatar pic source.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The 10 Best Films of 2009

2009 was a great year for film, and I watched so much film that my head is still spinning from all the greatness. Of course, I didn't hardly make it to the theater-- so most of the films I saw were online, on youtube and blogs and things like that. (Oh I just remembered I saw "The Proposal" on an airplane, but, spoiler alert it did not make it onto my top ten list.) But still, I saw some great films. So here, in no particular order, are my favorite films of 2009:

Quentin Tarantino Talking About His Favorite Films of 2009

In this film, the famous filmmaker Quentin Tarantino lists his top eight favorite movies of the year. His choices are what I would consider "idiosyncratic," which is fine, since I often describe myself with that word. In fact, I find it charming, which is why I put this film on my list. And because I haven't actually seen any of the movies that Tarantino mentions, I feel like I don't have to now.

Drunk Ewoks on the Today Show Set

The Ewoks, who are characters from the "Star Wars" films, got drunk during a "Today Show" segment and attempted to, among other things, fight each other, dance like Michael Jackson, and hump the leg of a Han Solo-clad Al Roker. Would have been my favorite film of the year, were it not for the fact that I made some films myself.

David Lynch Discusses Meeting George Lucas, and His Level of Interest in Directing the Third "Star Wars" Movie

Speaking of Ewoks, idiosyncratic (there's that word again!) director David Lynch discusses a meeting with "Star Wars" creator George Lucas, who approached Lynch with an offer to direct "Return of the Jedi." Lucas gave Lynch a migraine.

Stumpy Claus Christmas Special

Pretty self-explanatory. A limbless Santa Claus-like figure, along with a chain-smoking elf and a silent man giant in a reindeer costume invade the bedroom of a little girl in the middle of the night and leave her a bag of "gifts." Hilarious if I do say so myself (and I just did).


Liam Neeson plays a retired government agent of some kind, whose 16 year old daughter goes to France with a friend. Daughter and friend are kidnapped by terrorists, so Liam Neeson uses his "particular set of skills" to, oh, I don't know, just kick some major ass for about 90 minutes. It was made by the same guys who did "District B13," which is another breathless action film well worth seeing (warning: French dialogue).

Guy Shouts "You Lie!" or "Liar!" or Something Like That During Obama Speech

How do you tell a politician is lying? His lips move! That's not just a very funny joke-- it's also the truth. However, politicians don't like to be called "liars" while they're lying, which made this "outburst" during one of president Obama's multiple addresses to the house of representatives (a room full of politicians) so amazing. One liar calls another liar a liar, while he's in the midst of lying. And of course it was considered poor form, and rude; in fact, it was the best thing to happen in the house of representatives since, well, ever as far as I know (and I like to think of myself as an idiosyncratic student of history). We need more of this. What if more "representatives" had called the previous president a "liar" during the Iraq war planning, and the push for the "patriot act"? My favorite film of the year.

Anderson Cooper Drunk on Air?

Anderson Cooper, from CNN, stumbles and slurs his words on air from January. I don't know if he's actually drunk or not, but this film makes me laugh every time I see it, unlike "Watchmen."

Poodle Bitch Muses on Human Children

My blog mate, Poodle Bitch, created her own video this year, and it is sophisticated, thoughtful, and humorous.

Now, like Mr. Tarantino, I am stopping at eight because there is still a couple of weeks left in 2009, and I still need to watch a few more films and rewatch a couple of others to see if they climb higher on my list. Those couple of others are:

Stumpy Claus

The first Stumpy Claus film, released in November. Not quite as good as "The Stumpy Claus Christmas Special," but still features a groin kick.

John & Edward Perform "Oops! I Did it Again" on "X Factor"

I have nothing more to add to this-- Poodle Bitch pretty much covered why this is so wonderful.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Shaking Your Head and Sighing Over Ignorant Parents

Some writer at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette shakes his head and sighs over the ignorance of parents who just don't know what's best for their own kids:

Just got this press release from Parents magazine. I can only shake my head and sigh:

When it comes to TV in 2009, no television show got more attention than Jon & Kate Plus 8. As everyone knows by now, 2009 was the year the Gosselins joined the not-so-elite ranks of real life families that completely fell apart while the reality TV cameras filmed their every move.

Parents magazine recently did a survey of 1000 moms to see whether or not reality TV family "curse" would affect their decision to let cameras film their families. The magazine's "What Do Moms Want" survey found that, almost half, 47%, of moms would still consider letting their family star in a reality show. Looks like those reality TV cameras will keep on rollin'.

(Emphasis from Post-Gazette.)

If only these parents could be as enlightened about the dangers of reality as the world-weary, head-shaking-and-sighing writer for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette! Then they'd know just how downright awful and damaging reality television shows are.

Reality television destroys families!

Of course it's not only the Pittsburgh PG author who stands in sober judgment of these irresponsible parents (should their children be taken from them now, or should we wait until they actually sign the reality show contracts?)-- check out the wording of the press release. Right off the bat, the reader is reminded of "Jon & Kate Plus 8." Which was a disaster. The characters from that show were all over the news this year. Saying the family "completely fell apart" is a judgment I am not qualified to make. But Jon and Kate are divorcing.

This is apparently not uncommon for parents of "multiples." According to Dr. Charles Hux, an obstetrician and author of a book called Nine Healthy Months,

"There's a significant increase in the divorce rate among parents of multiples versus traditional parents."

So, the chances were good that Jon and Kate weren't going to make it all the way 'til death did them part, anyway.

The second sentence of the press release implies that there have been hundreds if not thousands of families that have fallen apart on reality tv shows. The Jon and Kate experience was common, or at least not uncommon. There is a "rank" of "real life families that completely fell apart while the reality TV cameras filmed their every move."

But, how many other families can you name that fell apart while reality tv cameras filmed their every move. Hulk Hogan's family comes to mind. But for crying out loud, that family was messed up long before the reality cameras showed up. Hulk Hogan was a professional wrestler. And, how much of that family's deterioration was caught on tape?

There are rumors that the Roloffs of "Little People, Big World" might be separating, but those are unconfirmed, so I'm not counting them.

Maybe the Teutuls of "American Chopper"-- apparently the son left to start his own business, but is that family really falling apart? That's stretching the definition, and those are all adults anyway. What family in any business doesn't have some discord to deal with?

I can't think of any others.

But I can think of plenty of families who have remained intact-- who didn't completely fall apart while the cameras rolled. Starting with The Osbournes, the royalty of the reality show families. They were unusual, but always portrayed as loving on the show. Their empire and reach has done nothing but expand in the years since that show aired. And Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are still together-- the kids are out of rehab. They seem relatively stable.

The Kardashians haven't fallen apart.

Like most families who are the subject of a reality television, the Kardashian family hasn't fallen apart.

How about the family of Luther Campbell from 2 Live Crew-- are they still together?

Jon and Kate Gosselin's fellow TLC stars are also faring pretty well. The Duggars are still together. So are the Roloffs of "Little People, Big World" (as far as we know at this point-- see above). Is Buddy Valastro's family from "Cake Boss" still intact? Check-- another happy reality tv family. How about the Hayes's of "Table For 12"? Still together.

And of course there's my favorite reality show couple, Jen Arnold and Bill Klein of "The Little Couple." They are very much still together, and very much in love.

Bill Klein, Jen Arnold, and Rocky from "The Little Couple" are another typical reality show family-- in that they are intact and loving.

The fact is that most families depicted on reality shows are loving, and remain intact. Those whose families "fall apart" do so for a myriad of reasons-- not because the cameras are rolling. So I suppose one should shake their head and sigh over the fact that 47% of moms would allow their families to appear on reality shows. But only because that number is so small.

Kardashian pic source.
Little Couple pic source.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Jersey Shore Puncher Is New York City Teacher; Also-- Naked Lesbian Teacher Classroom Sex Romp!

The cast of "Jersey Shore." Why have I not seen this show yet?

I have at least one episode of MTV's "Jersey Shore" reality show on my TiVo, although I haven't had a chance to watch it. Which is an insane oversight, given this description:

Within the first five minutes of the show's premiere episode, a 28-year-old male who goes by the name "Mike 'The Situation'" because of his chiseled abdominal muscles -- "My abs are so ripped up we call it 'the situation,'" he says -- tells the camera that the Jersey Shore is where "you have to be" because it's the place "where the shirts come off and the bikinis come out."

Mike proudly says he's a "guido" -- the type of guy every girl wants because he is typically "a good looking, smooth, well-dressed Italian."

Not sure how I've been able to resist. Last week's episode made news because of the controversy over the use of the terms "guido" and "guidettes" (and might have led to death threats for employees of MTV), and now this week it's made news because one of the female characters, "Snookie," is punched in the face by some guy at a bar.

At the end of the episode tonight MTV shows a teaser clip of Snookie getting punched out and then lying on the floor of the bar. The next shot is of a man in handcuffs being escorted to a police car.

You can follow the link to the Huffington Post which posted the clip in question.

Apparently, the puncher, Brad Ferro, is a New York City public school gym teacher.

The drunken lout seen sucker-punching a "Jersey Shore" hottie in a video clip gone viral is a New York City public school teacher, The Post has learned.

And the sudden right cross seen across the Internet has earned Queens gym teacher Brad Ferro a technical knockout — he’s been moved out of class and into one of the Department of Education’s teacher reassignment centers, also known as a "rubber room," agency officials confirmed.

And just what is the "rubber room"? Earlier this year, The New Yorker ran an article on the problems encountered when city officials attempt to fire incompetent, lazy, or pedophilic teachers. It's so difficult that the problem teachers are paid to hang out all day doing nothing in "rubber rooms."

It’s a June morning, and there are fifteen people in the room, four of them fast asleep, their heads lying on a card table. Three are playing a board game. Most of the others stand around chatting. Two are arguing over one of the folding chairs. But there are no children here. The inhabitants are all New York City schoolteachers who have been sent to what is officially called a Temporary Reassignment Center but which everyone calls the Rubber Room.

These fifteen teachers, along with about six hundred others, in six larger Rubber Rooms in the city’s five boroughs, have been accused of misconduct, such as hitting or molesting a student, or, in some cases, of incompetence, in a system that rarely calls anyone incompetent.

The teachers have been in the Rubber Room for an average of about three years, doing the same thing every day—which is pretty much nothing at all. Watched over by two private security guards and two city Department of Education supervisors, they punch a time clock for the same hours that they would have kept at school—typically, eight-fifteen to three-fifteen. Like all teachers, they have the summer off. The city’s contract with their union, the United Federation of Teachers, requires that charges against them be heard by an arbitrator, and until the charges are resolved—the process is often endless—they will continue to draw their salaries and accrue pensions and other benefits.

The article is fascinating and appalling and I very much recommend it. I also have to say that, being assigned to a rubber room would sure beat the hell out of having to teach a bunch of little twerps for seven (!) hours a day (do they get time off for lunch?). That doesn't sound like much of a punishment.

So, yes, Brad Ferro deserves to lose his job teaching the children (the future of America [or at least New York]), but, as detailed in the New Yorker article, there are actually other teachers who should lose their job before him. Really-- the guy caught on an Empty V reality show punching a woman in the face is not the worst inhabitant of the "rubber room."

Maybe MTV should do a reality show about the rubber rooms? They could call it-- um-- "The Rubber Room."

UPDATE @ 1:15 PST: Somehow, I missed this story of two other New York City teachers who were sent to the rubber room.

In a story that's destined to turn schoolboys all over the city into voracious newspaper readers, the Daily News brings us the titillating tale of two female "Romance language" teachers who were allegedly caught naked together in an otherwise empty classroom.

French teacher Cindy Mauro, 33, and married Spanish teacher Alini Brito, 29, and were booted from James Madison High School in Midwood after being caught in their "undressed" extracurricular activity by a janitor who ratted them out on Nov. 20., sources told the paper.
Both teachers were sent to "rubber rooms" -- reassignment centers where under-suspicion Dept. of Education employees are sent to await their fates -- while they're being investigated for misconduct, according to the DOE.

Oh, wow. And here are the teachers in question:

They are quite attractive, it's true. But not so attractive that they shouldn't have been able to wait until they were out of their classroom before they started tearing away at one anothers' clothes (that's how I imagine it happening, anyway). That's just stupid.

But, seriously, I hope some enterprising producer reads my blog and decides to rip off my "Rubber Room" reality show idea now. These two women could headline it.

Note: If any enterprising producer reads my blog and decides to rips off my "Rubber Room" reality show idea, I will sue the hell out of you.

Cast pic source.
Attractive teachers pic source.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Comparing Al Gore's Poetry with Sarah Palin's

Al Gore dives headlong into the poetry breach, following in the footsteps of the influential former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.

Al Gore, the former vice president of this country, has published a poem in his new book, Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis. The poem is called-- actually it's "untitled," as are a lot of the best poems. Sometimes giving title to a poem is detrimental. The Telegraph is reporting that Mr. Gore wrote the poem because,

his editor would not allow him to publish a chapter in the book about the ramifications of uncontrolled global warming.

Which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. His publisher wouldn't allow him to publish a chapter in a book on environmentalism about the ramifications of uncontrolled global warming? Really? This guy was vice president. He's won grammys and oscars. He's won the nobel peace prize. And his publisher wouldn't allow him to do something?

You know what-- if he's worth so much, he can go to createspace and publish his book himself, and put whatever the hell he wants in it.

No. I don't believe it. Writers are notoriously unreliable. Mr. Gore wanted to write and publish a poem. And why not? Check out the stark beauty of the bleak landscape evoked by these carefully chosen words:

One thin September soon

A floating continent disappears

In midnight sun

Vapors rise as

Fever settles on an acid sea

Neptune's bones dissolve

Snow glides from the mountain

Ice fathers floods for a season

A hard rain comes quickly

Then dirt is parched

Kindling is placed in the forest

For the lightning's celebration

Unknown creatures

Take their leave, unmourned

Horsemen ready their stirrups

Passion seeks heroes and friends

The bell of the city

On the hill is rung

The shepherd cries

The hour of choosing has arrived

Here are your tools

The poem is a litany-- a deluge, a dirge, written to lament the loss not merely of the earth's vitality, but the loss of humanity itself; and, by extension, the individual. Then, suddenly, with the final line a sense of hope and purpose is achieved. I suppose it is selfish to say this, but losing a few polar bears is a small price to pay for such a moving evocation of loss. It is as thrillingly, giddily expressive as anything Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor known for her own poetic excursions, has ever written. Remember this from her farewell/retirement speech:

And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins. It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.

Al Gore was clearly influenced by mid-career Sarah Palin's poetic efforts.

It's clear that The White Goddess has inspired both Al Gore and Sarah Palin in equal measure. We are honored to live in such times. True, there is some squalor to be handled, there is much fear and uncertainty, but we are blessed with such creative wordsmiths, whose soaring poetry warms the shuddering heart and stimulates the febrile mind.

Remember when William Shatner read Sarah Palin's farewell speech as poetry? Can we expect him to return and perform Al Gore's?

Palin pic source.
Gore pic source.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It Keeps Getting Worse For Tiger Woods-- False Advertising, No Condoms, and The Tiger Woods Home Pregnancy Test

For a guy who has, allegedly, at least as many as 8 mistresses, things are surprisingly bad for Tiger Woods. According to TMZ, Gatorade is dropping the drink they created for him.

Gatorade is shutting down production of their special brand of Tiger Woods' brew this month -- but the drink giant tells TMZ it has "absolutely no connection" to Tiger's current predicament.

I don't drink sports drinks, so I had no idea that Tiger Woods even had one named for him, or marketed around him. What is it supposed to do? Imbue you with the spirit of Tiger? Not to be crass, but if it can do for my coital adventures what it's done for Tiger Woods's, then sign me the hell up.

Except. I am dubious about the packaging.

You will note that it makes prominent use of Tiger Woods's intense stare-- supposedly the stare that is used to zero in on exactly which "club" to use when "whacking" the ball to prevent it getting into a "sandtrap" (I know all these terms because many, many years ago I wrote an article about Tiger Woods for the late lamented Cracked magazine. Not to brag.)

Way back in 1997 (I was so young!) I wrote an article for Cracked magazine about Tiger Woods's fantastic success as a golfer, pop culture icon, and product endorser. You will note that it was in this article where first was suggested the Tiger Woods Home Pregnancy Test-- a product which seems eerily appropriate given the fact that Mr. Woods apparently doesn't like to use condoms. Illustrations, by the way, were done by the inimitable Mr. Frank Cummings.

Except-- and here is where my "except" comes in-- didn't Tiger Woods get Lasik eye surgery? Yes, he did-- at least twice:

Tiger Woods admitted that following the Masters, he underwent laser surgery for his eyes for the second time. Woods had previously had the procedure in 1999, following the Ryder Cup.

Just like in 1999, Woods won the first time out after the procedure. In 1999, he won the Disney Classic, while this year he won the Wachovia Championship. After eight years, Woods, who admits to having terrible natural eyesight, the time was ripe to get the procedure done again.

So, Gatorade sports drink was promoting its Tiger Woods brand by prominently featuring a part of Woods's body that he's admitted to having artificially enhanced? Was this Gatorade Focus crap supposed to be liquid Lasik surgery? I call "foul" on that (is "foul" a golf term?).

Oh, and, also, Deadspin has a longish story about Tiger Woods's sexual escapades, which are apparently quite extensive.

The biggest misconception about the Tiger cheating scandal is that Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of the first three women named by the tabloids, were his full-time lovers. They may have been at some point (especially Rachel, some say on numerous occasions) but that was not their primary function. No, Uchitel's main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions to various tournaments, charity functions and f*ck-and-run private-jet weekends with his Fortune 500 party pals that he seemed to enjoy so much.

But, really, I just can't get over the eyes on the Gatorade packaging. The affairs I understand, but disingenuous advertising just irritates me.

Tiger Woods Gatorade Focus pic source.

Stumpy Claus Is Back!

Due to popular demand that nearly became a popular uprising, I have created another Stumpy Claus video, just in time for the "holiday season."

I hope it's at least as enjoyable as the previous Stumpy Claus video.

CNN's Creepy Propaganda Ad Campaign

The very good website mediaite has been overpowered today by a very creepy ad campaign for the fourth or fifth place news network, CNN.

Those ads don't catch the eye-- they assault you. They make the viewer, who just wanted to check out the article about Levi Johnston meeting Andrew Sullivan, feel vaguely as if they've been caught doing something very naughty. The faces of those three people (I recognize two of them-- the woman with dark hair whose name I can't spell, and the guy who used to host "The Mole") stare out at you with such scowls of indignation and judgment that it makes me not only not want to watch CNN, but to click off the mediaite website, which I actually like.

Really. Here is just the ad itself. Tell me that's not creepy:

Does "TRUTH" have to glare at you like that? Does "NEWS" have to purse his lips so? Does "FACTS" have to use the bathroom?

This ad is just the type of thing that mediaite usually pokes fun at. Instead, it has succumbed.

Does it not in some ways resemble Shepard Fairey's famous Andre the Giant Obey poster?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Really? They Have Time for This?

House lawmakers are gearing up for a vote as soon as next week on a bill aimed at forcing a national college-football playoff.
The quote above is from an article in the Wall Street Journal. The "House lawmakers" mentioned are the people elected to "serve" in the House of Representatives in Washington, DC. Those are the people who make federal laws. Apparently, having solved the recession, health care, wars on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, drugs, and poverty, having gotten to the bottom of "Gatecrashergate," having brought down the jobless rate, now they have time to really focus on something important.

Forcing college football teams to have a playoff.

Approval of the legislation by an Energy and Commerce subcommittee would represent the most significant action yet by Congress in its oversight of college football. Plans for a markup next week, still tentative as of late Friday, appeared to signal growing congressional support for the idea, which President Barack Obama also backed during the 2008 campaign.

This is legitimately aggravating, but it does offer me a cheap opportunity to post photos of hot sideline reporters, which is always good for a few thousand extra hits:

If there is a congressional hearing aimed at forcing college football teams to engage in a "playoff," can we expect ESPN sideline "reporter" Erin Andrews to cover it?

Or how about Jenn Brown, who is also an ESPN sideline reporter, as you can plainly see from the above photo?

Erin Andrews pic source.
Jenn Brown pic source.

Department of Great Timing Dept

A lot of commentators (commenters?) are suggesting that "Golf Digest," a magazine that-- I kid you not-- is devoted entirely to the game of golf-- might be a bit embarrassed by its latest cover (seen above). This because of Tiger Woods's recent troubles. As someone at slate put it,

Golf Digest, which depicts Woods as the president's caddy, argues that Obama might learn from the golfer's mastery of "the quick recovery." Tiger is "a good role model," David Owen explains, "because he has always been able to pull himself together after setbacks." Woods also comes in for praise due to his agility with the press. (An illustrative quote from the cagey star: "My dad taught me that when I'm asked a question, I have control of the answer.") And Joe Queenan argues that Obama could benefit most from a Woods-like agility with image control. "Tiger never does anything that would make him look ridiculous," he writes.

Har-de-har-har. Because, you know, Tiger Woods looks ridiculous after being apparently caught (and apparently admitting to) cheating on his wife with at least two women. And then being beaten by his wife (allegedly). And then crashing his Escalade into a fire hydrant.

That same slate author also says,

Woods' behavior this week—clamming up, dodging the cops, and pulling a no show at his own golf tournament—hasn't quite been presidential.

What? How is that not presidential? Just this week, the president "clammed up" and "dodged the congress" by preventing his "social secretary" (really? our taxes go to pay for that job?) from testifying before congress over Gatecrashergate.

New York Rep. Peter T. King, a Republican who requested Ms. Rogers testify before a House committee, said this past week that the White House was "stonewalling" the congressional investigation. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Ms. Rogers wouldn't testify, citing constitutional "separation of powers."

It sounds like the president has learned plenty from Tiger Woods.

Moreover, all Tiger Woods has done is betray the trust of his wife. That isn't good, and it's made all the worse by the fact that Woods is a fabulously wealthy and attractive man who travels all over the world and has access to literally thousands if not millions of women. He couldn't find one who would be comfortable with a polyamorous relationship? But-- Barack Obama keeps piling on the national debt, supports state policies that include seizing the property of poor people who have not been charged with a crime, extended the previous president's "national state of emergency," committed more troops to Afghanistan, and still hasn't closed the military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

So, shouldn't Tiger Woods be embarrassed to be on a cover with Barack Obama? Maybe each should be embarrassed to be associated with the other, but the one entity that should not be embarrassed for crying out loud is "Golf Digest." This issue is getting huge publicity and is going to sell a lot more copies than usual, as people search for those "made-ironic-by-hindsight" quotes such as those pulled by slate.

Moreover and perhaps most importantly, back in May, Tiger Woods farted on camera:

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Perhaps Not the Effect They Intended

Recently I had occasion to come upon the following billboard:

I've always thought that chewing tobacco was disgusting. Even when I was a kid, I thought so. The carrying it around in your cheek, the brown dribble, the yellowing teeth, the spitting for crying out loud-- all very grotesque. It never would have occurred to me to ever try chewing tobacco. But I have to say, I didn't know they made it with cherry flavoring. I like cherry flavoring. And I'm an adult.

Maybe I've been wrong about chewing tobacco. Maybe I should give some of this cherry flavored stuff a try. Thanks, anti-tobacco billboard, for alerting me to this delicious-sounding product!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Continuing Triumph of "Reality Television Shows" Over Actual "Reality"

Almost every single story in the news has some kind of "reality show" angle right now. Remember the "White House Gatecrashers"? I wrote about them yesterday in a rather memorable post, so you should. It turns out, they weren't just reality teevee "wannabees," they'd actually already been filmed for a full season of "The Real Housewives of DC," and the "gatecrashing" is intended to be the season finale, if you can believe Gawker (and why wouldn't you?):

Not only are they done filming, but the Salahi party crash is going to be the first season finale. In fact, it appears that crews have been filming Michaele and Tareq Salahi since the middle of September. Naughty Bravo!

Yeah, right. Naughty. More like "brilliant." The "Real Housewives" franchise is already Bravo's biggest, and this has only increased interest in the next installment. They've got everyone talking about the Salahis on just about every channel. Even I'm writing about it, and I only write about very important things.

Important things such as the Tiger Woods... um, incident? situation? This story is a bit confusing and I was traveling when it happened, so I am still a little behind the curve on it. Apparently, Tiger Woods is a very famous golfing professional. Perhaps the most famous, although I don't follow golf (unless it's played on the Nintendo Wii-- I spent much of Thanksgiving weekend playing Wii Sports, and I have to say my right arm hasn't been this sore since high school) so I really wouldn't know. But he's very famous. He's also one of the richest human beings in the world. He is bed-shittin' rich. And he's married to a beautiful former model from Sweden. So the man is living the life, right?

Except, Tiger Woods wanted more.

More women. More action. More action with more women. The whole house of cards Mr. Woods has (allegedly) built for himself all started to come crumbling down with a fairly banal automobile accident right outside his lavish Florida home:

Woods was pulling out of his driveway and onto the 6300 block of Deacon Circle when his SUV smashed into a fire hydrant at the edge of his next-door neighbor's property and scuffed a tree, [Florida Highway Patrol Sgt. Kim] Montes said.
Woods' Escalade received $5,000 to $8,000 worth of damage to the front bumper and grille, according to FHP. Its air bags did not deploy, which suggests the vehicle was traveling less than 33 mph.
By the time a Windermere police officer arrived about 2:25 a.m., Elin Nordegren Woods had dragged her husband out of his 2009 Cadillac Escalade. He was lying on the ground, dazed and bleeding from his lips and with blood in his mouth, Windermere Mayor Gary Bruhn said.

The crash knocked Tiger Woods, 33, unconscious for about six minutes, according to a call report compiled by the Orange County Sheriff's Office and obtained by the Orlando Sentinel. Bruhn said the golfer faded in and out of consciousness.

(Not a ringing endorsement for the Escalade, by the way. Traveling less than 33 MPH, hits a fire hydrant, and gets $5K-$8K worth of damage? Ouch.)

Tiger Woods and his wife. You know the old saying: For every beautiful woman, there's a man who's tired of f*cking her.

It turns out that Mr. Woods might have sustained at least some of his injuries at the hands of his wife, angry over reading about his (alleged) extramarital affairs. If you can believe TMZ, and why wouldn't you?

We're told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV -- but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

And now we're getting to the reality television show angle. It turns out now that one of Mr. Woods's alleged partners was a contestant on the first season of the irritating VH1 series "Tool Academy." And, if you can believe Radar online (and why wouldn't you?), she blabbed about it to her fellow castmates:

When Jaimee Grubbs was shooting the VH1 reality show, Tool Academy a year ago, she wanted all her costars to know she was having an affair with Tiger Woods, has learned exclusively.

“We all knew about Jaimee’s affair with Tiger Woods because she told us,” Aida Menaska said in an exclusive interview. Jaimee even talked about Tiger when the cameras were rolling! “ I guess they cut it out because VH1 didn’t want to cause problems for Tiger Woods and his wife.”

I watched much of the first season of "Tool Academy," and as I recall, Jaimee Grubbs brought the spiky haired obnoxious guy with her (I know that doesn't really narrow it down)-- but wasn't she with the guy who turned out to have two girlfriends-- and his second girlfriend came on the show about three episodes in, and then Jaimee left? And wasn't the second girlfriend Aida Menaska? (Yes, if you can believe wikipedia, and why wouldn't you?) So, maybe Ms. Menaska's statement should be taken with a grain of salt.

Except, Ms. Grubbs claims to have some photos and "racy text messages" that may prove what she's saying.

Now a Los Angeles cocktail waitress is claiming she and the world's top golfer carried on a torrid 31-month affair - and that she has photos and 300 "racy" text messages to prove it.

Jaimee Grubbs, who says she was 21 when she first hooked up with Woods in April 2007, told Us Weekly their romance began when the duffer tapped her on the shoulder and said, "You don't look like you're having any fun."

Jaimee Grubbs is definitely easy on the eyes. I guess if you can sleep around, you should.

"You don't look like you're having any fun" sounds like a pickup line that would work only for someone who is fabulously wealthy. If I walked up to a woman and said that, she would no doubt reply, "Well, I was, until you started talking to me, you ridiculous gork." Then again, check out samples of those "racy text messages," also from the Radar online report:

Jaimee Grubbs told her story to the new issue of Us Weekly and provided sexual text messages she said she received from Tiger. “I will wear you out...when was the last time you got (bleeped)?” one message read. Another one she said came from Tiger read, “Send me something very naughty.”

"I will wear you out"? "Send me something naughty"? Not exactly Anais Nin, is he? I guess when you're that rich, you don't even have to try.

So, the two biggest stories of the week-- even bigger than president Obama's Afghanistan troops decision-- have reality show connections.

And let us not forget last month's sordid and tragic "Balloon Boy" drama. That family was angling for a reality show of their own, after getting a taste with two episodes of "Wife Swap."

And then today there's the story of a family that appeared on "Extreme Makeover Home Edition", who cannot pay the bills on their made-over home:

The Wofford family of Encinitas, California, got their house from the show five years ago, but now claim that after struggling for two years to pay their bills, they're facing foreclosure . Dr. Brian Wofford, a widower and father of eight, explained the crisis, telling 10News: "A lot of people think when you get the house, you get the mortgage. Well, you don't."

That story was big enough to get a link on yahoo's main page this morning.

And on November 20th, the New York Times saw fit to report on two new "reality" shows, with former actors Steven Seagal and Jesse Ventura:

Mr. Seagal, who merged his martial-arts background with a nebulous acting style to become a steady box office draw in violent films like “Hard to Kill” (1990) and “Under Siege” (1992), lets us in on his under-the-radar second job in “Steven Seagal: Lawman,” a reality show coming to A&E on Dec. 2. It’s a basic ride-along cop show, but one of the cops is Mr. Seagal, who, it turns out, has been a reserve deputy in Jefferson Parish, La., for about 20 years.

And Mr. Ventura, who with stints as a Navy Seal, professional wrestler and governor of Minnesota may already have the most eclectic résumé in America, tries on an investigative hat (of sorts) in “Conspiracy Theory,” a show arriving the same day on TruTV, in which he seeks the truth about secretive government programs, what “really” happened on 9/11 and more.

What "really" happened on 9/11 has already been pretty thoroughly explained, although apparently not to Mr. Ventura's satisfaction, so I think it's safe to ignore him and his stupid show (yes, I'm calling it stupid before even seeing it). But as connoisseurs of reality shows know, Ventura's isn't a "reality" show in the way that Seagal's is. It's more of an "investigative" show in the vein of "Unsolved Mysteries."

The NYT's ignorance over what constitutes a "reality show" is further evidence one needs not read it. That's more news.

Tiger Woods and wife pic source.
Jaimee Grubbs pic source.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Indignation in the "White House Gatecrashers" Incident

Something exciting actually happened at one of those staid, boring White House state dinners on November 24th. A couple of reality show wannabes apparently "crashed" the party, sans invitations.
Appearing on a nationally broadcast morning news show [NBC's Today Show] with his wife, Tareq Salahi said the furor surrounding his and his wife Michaele's attendance at the dinner a week ago has been a "most devastating" experience. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs described President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama as angered by the incident.
Michaele Salahi had hoped to land a part on an upcoming Bravo reality show, "The Real Housewives of D.C." NBC's parent company, NBC Universal, also owns the cable network Bravo.

Not that it matters all that much-- I mean, it's not as interesting as the whole "gatecrashing the White House" angle-- but the party was for the prime minister of India.

They got in and made it all the way to the president himself:

That is pretty cool. The biggest event I've ever crashed was a biker rally in Bean Blossom Indiana.

Anyway, here's what I'm wondering about: The Salahis are United States citizens, correct? And the president works for the citizens of the United States. The White House doesn't belong to one person; it belongs to all of us. So why does a United States citizen have to "crash" a party to get in?

I don't think a person should be able to just walk on in without going through some kind of security, including metal detectors-- and apparently the Salahis did just that-- but there is far too much distance between elected officials, who are supposed to work for the citizens, and the citizens themselves.

Today, the only times private citizens get to "meet" with politicians who get themselves elected to public office is in heavily-scripted "press conferences" and "photo ops" in which the politicians and their handlers control every aspect.

The Salahis took control for themselves, and that has the Obamas outraged, at least according to their spokesman.
Interviewed on MSNBC, [White House spokesman Robert] Gibbs said "it's safe to say he (Obama) was angry. Michelle was angry."

I've always found it a little amusing, or irritating, or both, that presidents have "spokespeople" whose job is to help make the president look good-- they're PR people-- whose salaries are paid for with tax money. Think about it. You and I paid Robert Gibbs to go on MSNBC and say that.

Confusingly, the Salahis claim they were invited.
"We were invited, not crashers, and there isn't anyone who would have the audacity or the poor behavior to do that," she [Michaele Salahi] said. "No one would do that, and certainly not us."
I do like her use of Obama's word "audacity" in that statement. But is it really so audacious for United States citizens to want to meet their employees?

The last line of the article is classic, and adds an extra layer of irritation:
A congressional hearing is planned for Thursday.
Will the Salahis be in attendance at this hearing? Will they have to get through security? Have they been invited? And, why do we need a "congressional hearing" (aren't they working on a few wars, health care, recession, etc) when we all know the conclusion is going to be "double check the guest list next time"?

The Salahis wanted to get on a reality show, "The Real Housewives of DC." Members of congress get to call their own reality show-- a congressional hearing we're all paying for.

Maybe the Salahis can adopt the Balloon Boy, and start a reality show about people who are being unfairly maligned by the media.

Pic source.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Poodle Bitch is Irritated by the Latest Episode of "Glee"

"Glee" has become one of Poodle Bitch's favorite shows. Overall it is a well-written, well-acted, and well-sung look at human high school life that is surprisingly sensitive and complex. With some exceptions, of course. Poodle Bitch feels that they have yet to fully explain why Will Schuester would have married the venal, manipulative Terri in the first place (other than the fact that she bears a superficial resemblance to Jessalyn Gilsig, the actress who portrays her), while at the same time the writers seem to be trying too hard to "humanize" the entertainingly venal, manipulative Sue Sylvester.

However, for this week's episode, "Ballad," there was not a single moment that rang true. It felt as if Poodle Bitch were watching just another television show, in which some of the characters occasionally break into song. Awkwardly.

For starters, why would Mr. Schuester break everyone up into pairs to sing ballads to each other? Poodle Bitch is a close watcher of shows she likes, and she cannot for the life of her remember his justification for doing this. Moreover, why was it that Mr. Schuester felt the need to offer himself up as a "partner" to one of the students? There seemed no reason for him to not just say "We'll wait for Matt to return," or "We're going to have one group of three." He's the teacher, the authority figure-- this despite the fact that he is young, hip, and clearly portrayed by an actor who is only a few years older than the students.

But even accepting that he allowed himself to be selected as a partner by one of the students-- and Rachel, no less-- why would he allow her to bully him into performing "Endless Love" with her? He knew the song well enough to sing it, so he knew the lyrics before they started. It is one of the most effective expressions of over-ripe teenaged emotions ever put to music ("you will always be my endless love"); of course it was going to have a hypnotic effect on a teenaged girl whose hormones are aimlessly raging.

Poodle Bitch questions the judgment of a teacher who would sing this song with one of his students.

Mr. Schuester's decision to sing "Endless Love" with a student was especially moronic and irresponsible given his past experience with student crushes. As he explains to the delightful Emma Pillsbury later in the episode, he can't just tell Rachel to stop and leave him alone because the last time he did that with one of his students, she attempted suicide.

Poodle Bitch is not joking. But the writers were; for, in a flashback scene played for laughs, the brokenhearted object of Mr. Schuester's previous rejection, Suzy Pepper, attempts to kill herself by ingesting the world's hottest hot pepper (she'd ordered it from somewhere in South America, Poodle Bitch believes). Paramedics are barely able to save her in time, and she requires years of psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant.

Poodle Bitch wonders why it is that the writers found this to be suitable comedy fodder. There is certainly a layer of darkness to some of the episodes, but she found this subplot to be bleak and insensitive.

However, for plot purposes it was necessary to explain why Mr. Schuester couldn't just tell Rachel to straight up "cut it out and leave me alone." He's worried about another attempted suicide. (Poodle Bitch would wryly note that, given the fact that Mr. Schuester married the abominable Terri, and has yet to realize, after several months of living together and sleeping in the same bed that she is not actually pregnant, there is perhaps little need to explain his lapses in judgment.) For this reason, Emma Pillsbury, who has her own crush on Mr. Schuester and, not surprisingly, her own decision-making problems, suggests that Mr. Schuester express his feelings in song. To let her down gently.

To that end, Mr. Schuester creates a mash-up of the songs "Young Girl" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me," altering the lyrics of each to make them even more combative and abrasive. Just so Poodle Bitch has this straight: Hearing the object of her crush sing to her, "Young girl, you're out of your mind, your love for me is way out of line," and "Don't stand- don't stand so- don't stand so close to me" is intended to be the sensitive way of letting her down. (As an aside, Poodle Bitch would like to note that any power contained in the song "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap rests in its idea that the narrator did not realize that the object of his affection was so young-- she's deliberately misrepresented to him her age-- and he is therefore struggling with his desire for her, which he now realizes on a rational level to be inappropriate. What Mr. Schuester did to the song, in addition to awkwardly "mashing" it into "Don't Stand," was to turn it into an angry diatribe that would belittle anyone with even a little self-awareness.)

Is this song creepy? Poodle Bitch would like to point out that the narrator is attempting to distance himself from the girl who led him to believe she was old enough to give him love. He isn't inviting her back to his hot tub for champagne and quaaludes.

Of course this terrific plan doesn't work. Rachel lacks the self-awareness necessary to see that Mr. Schuester was belittling her, and Emma Pillsbury, who was also there to watch his performance, sits in dazzled awe of his skills as a performer.

It's not until Suzy Pepper, who apparently has returned to the school following her therapy and transplant (Poodle Bitch is unaware of how human schools work, but she wonders why anyone, from the psychiatrists to the administrators to parents, would believe it a good idea that she return to the school where Mr. Schuester teaches) corners Rachel in the bathroom and admonishes her about the dangers of becoming too attached to Mr. Schuester that she comes to realize how poorly she's been acting.

For his behavior, Mr. Schuester is let off the hook.

Meanwhile, there is pregnant Quinn. She has yet to tell her parents that she's pregnant (although most of the school already knows and anyone with access to the internet and Jacob's gossip blog can find out), and is, in her first scene of the episode, trying on her gown for the "chastity ball" (good golly Miss Molly-- isn't the term "chastity ball" oxymoronic?), with her mother's help. Mother, mildly tipsy, notes that the gown doesn't fit as well as it did last month, and Quinn explains that she had a big lunch that day.

It is clear that Quinn's mother realizes her daughter is pregnant, but is in a state of, perhaps, alcoholic denial. And, of course, she is a Christian who is preparing her little girl to attend a "chastity ball."

Quinn's father staggers into the room declaring Glenn Beck is on television, drink in his hand (Poodle Bitch does not watch Glenn Beck, but she has just googled him and discovered that his program airs at 5 PM weekdays, which means Quinn's parents have started getting drunk before five o'clock. This seems early to Poodle Bitch.), offering words of pressure about his lovely, chaste daughter.

Poodle Bitch harbors no particular animus toward religious people, nor conservatives, nor those who watch conservative television programs. Nor does she have any particular affection for them. But she wonders why it is that the writers of this show, who have displayed real sensitivity toward, as an example, Kurt's father, should present Quinn's parents as little more than typical right-wing caricatures?

And speaking of Kurt, Poodle Bitch notes that he, too, became a cliche in this episode-- the sensitive gay man in love with the dumb jock he can never have, who nevertheless offers advice and encouragement to said dumb jock in his pursuit of the woman he kinda-sorta loves. Although in this case, Kurt's advice was universally bad. Of course, in the ballad pairings Kurt was paired with Finn, who believes he is the father of Quinn's child. He is upset because Quinn is planning on giving up the baby for adoption (to the execrable Terri Schuester), and so he won't get to be part of his daughter's life. Kurt suggests that he sing a ballad to his daughter-- his suggestion is The Pretenders's "I'll Stand by You," which is a song Poodle Bitch admires, but has been used so often in movies and television shows as to have become an obvious cliche. Why not select "My Baby," or "Kid," or "Hymn to Her" (Poodle Bitch's own personal favorite) instead?

There were plenty of Pretenders songs to choose.

But that doesn't compare to the monumentally bad advice Kurt gives Finn later in the episode. When he encourages Finn to serenade Quinn-- during a dinner with her parents-- with the song "You're Having My Baby."

"You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you." Poodle Bitch is happy she has been fixed.

Perhaps the high school student Kurt is too young to realize this, but Poodle Bitch's humans are certainly old enough to know that that particular song has been a punchline almost since it was recorded. Poodle Bitch wonders if perhaps Cal Smith's "Country Bumpkin," or Terry Jacks's "Seasons in the Sun," or The Captain and Tennille's "Muskrat Love" will be sung in upcoming episodes?

And why did it take two verses for the parents to realize their daughter was pregnant? The very first line of that painful song is "You're having my baby." It doesn't get much more obvious than that.

The less Poodle Bitch says about the Glee Club's serenading Quinn and Finn with "Lean on Me," the better. But she would be remiss if she did not further add that Puck's admission to Mercedes that he is really the father of Quinn's child did little to advance her opinion of either character.

Over all, a very weak episode of what has been a very entertaining and uplifting show. Poodle Bitch is hopeful that next week's episode won't be quite so bad. Poodle Bitch is an optimist.

Glee cast photograph source.

Poodle Bitch's regular blog can be found here.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I Have Written A Song for Britney Spears

Actually, I have written a first draft of lyrics for a song for Britney Spears. It was inspired by her recent troubles during certain Australian tour dates. Apparently, Ms. Spears lip-syncs during her concerts, and some people don't like that.
Britney Spears' lip syncing was causing controversy In Australia even before she arrived for the Pacific leg of her Circus tour and now Spears is reportedly feeling the backlash.

Ticket prices are as much as $1300 for VIP seats and now that Spears has performed her first few dates Down Under, fans and critics are getting even more vicious about the quality of her show, causing Spears to become "extremely upset," according to reports.
Of course what she needs to do is tell her critics to "sync off," and what better way to do that than by recording my defiant pro-lip-syncing song?, lyrics below:


It’s really hard to dance and sing
All at the same time
So I shake it hard and do my thing
To pre-recorded rhymes

My music machine is throbbin’
They paid to see a show
My movements get them mobbin’
They just wanna see me go!

I’m a lip-syncing bitch
That’s why my shows go off
Without a hitch
Ask me again I’ll tell it true
Lip-syncing bitch says,
“Sync you!”

Everybody wants a piece of this
My music and my soul
And they dream of my uterus
They wanna find the glory hole

That’s why I keep up the routine
The singing gets so heavy
I shake it hard in tight bluejeans
In the backseat of a Chevy

I’m a lip-syncing bitch
My fans buy tickets and they
Make me rich
Ask me again I’ll tell it true
Lip-syncing bitch says,
“Sync you!”

Hey mister complainer and hater
I know you’re just jealous
I’m a real live musical creator
And I get three-ways with the fellas

Oooh, you love my lip-sync
So beautiful and wet
In and out of your ear so pink
You’ll never feel regret

I’m a lip-syncing bitch
They see me movin’ and I
Scratch their itch
Ask me again I’ll tell it true
Lip-syncing bitch says,
“Sync you!”

I’m a lip-syncing bitch
I turn them on with my
Ignition switch
Ask me again I’ll tell it true
Lip-syncing bitch says,
“Sync you!”

I’m a lip-syncing bitch
I make my money ‘cause
I found my niche
Ask me again I’ll tell it true
Lip-syncing bitch says,
“Sync you!”

Recording this song would be a good first step toward telling people that you just don't give a "sync" about all the smack talk they're doing. Also, it would help me to make some much-needed scratch during this particularly difficult holiday season.

Britney Spears puts so much effort into her costuming and dancing that she cannot devote as much of herself to actual singing.

Pic source.