Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Only Academy Awards Nominations Commentary You Will Ever Need

The Academy Award nominations were just released today, and perhaps the biggest surprise is that they are actually going ahead with the ceremony (or, as I prefer to call it, the "cerephony") at all. With people losing their jobs left and right, foreclosures at an all-time high, and an ongoing war on terror, holding the cerephony is a little like being at the funeral of a beloved grandfather (probably affectionately known as "grandpa" or "pop-pop") only to have your retarded cousin walk in and pass out flyers advertising his "one man show" at the parks and rec department auditorium the following weekend.

I am trying to say that this is a direct insult to all of us normal people, who are suffering right now. It fills me with righteous indignation of a political nature. Nevertheless, I will attempt to offer some impartial commentary on this year's big nominees.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt-Hole is the story of a mentally challenged man who ages backward. He has a bunch of adventures, one of which involves appearing in a film that is so long that it causes the audience to age approximately three hours or so. It is a loving paean to Forrest Gump.

Malnourished Millionaire is the story of a malnourished mentally challenged Indian kid who discovers the only way he can make it in the world is to win money on a white western European game show. It is a loving paean to imperialism.

Frosting Nixon is the story of some interviews that mentally challenged former president did with this British guy. Supposedly in the movie the British guy (who might have been mentally challenged in real life but is played straight in the film) gets Nixon drunk and then Nixon confesses to all the bad stuff he did. In reality Nixon never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. It is a loving paean to the power of the press, which is so powerful.

Malted Milk Balls is the story of the first openly gay person ever to become a politician, because we all know how important politicians are. To my knowledge, Malted Milk was never mentally challenged, but Sean Penn is a master actor, and so he tried to stretch himself by playing him that way. This movie is a loving paean to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences ability to forgive itself for not giving an Academy Award to Brokenback Mountain, which should have won over Trash a few years ago.

The Reeder is the story of an illiterate, mentally challenged woman who accidentally became a Nazi, because she couldn't read. This kid she sleeps with tries to teach her to read American novels, but because she's a German Nazi and can't understand English, it gets nowhere, so she ends up joining the Nazis and helping to run concentration camps. She's confused, because she doesn't understand what "concentration" means. It is a loving paean to the power of movies about illiteracy to combat the evils of Naziism.

Dolt is the story of a mentally challenged dog who thinks he is the hero of the film, and has a bunch of super powers, but in fact he is really John Travolta. It is a loving paean to dogs.

Kung Pao Panda Express is the story of a panda who knows jiu-jitsu and karate and other forms of martial arts, who opens a Chinese fast-food restaurant in Westwood. He becomes a huge success. It is a loving paean to the power of obese pandas.

Wall-Mart
is the story of a lovable robot employee from Wall-Mart who keeps working even after the entire world has been despoiled by his employers. It is a loving paean to the importance of continuing to work long after you've discovered your employers is despoiling the world.

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