Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Regret- The Best Butt Call of My Life.

From January 2000 through May 2004 my cell phone was a Qualcomm Dual Band QCP-2760 model with an open face:

When I wasn’t using it to place calls, I would put it in my front pants pocket. As you can see from the photo, the buttons are all exposed, the phone does not fold, and so there were times when I would inadvertently press the buttons and place calls. The calls would go through without my realizing, so the person called would get to listen to whatever I was doing at the time.

Sometimes the result was pretty funny. Once when I was riding the Batman ride at Six Flags outside LA I called a friend of mine who picked up the phone and heard me screaming at the top of my lungs. Unsure as to whether or not I was being tortured, my friend hung up the phone and went back to her nap. Another time I was at my day job having a discussion with a coworker about how much she disliked one of our supervisors. During this discussion I was sitting at my desk and somehow dialed the number of my editorial contact at Mad magazine. Oh how we laughed about it later.

Accidentally dialing a phone that is in your pocket is called making a “butt call.” Obviously I’ve had some good experiences with the phenomenon, but the best butt call I ever made might be the one I regret the most.

I had recently broken up with a woman and was getting back into the “dating scene.” I happened to get a date with a delightful coworker I’d had a crush on for awhile, and the date went so well that we started making out on her couch. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. It was great, so quick and dirty that I didn’t even have time to get my pants all the way off.

The next day my ex girlfriend called me and said, “So you had a good time last night.”

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“I heard all about your ‘concupiscent rollick’ (I like to talk dirty and at the time I had an eccentric- some might even say pretentious- vocabulary). You called me while you were doing it.”

“Oh, wow. Really? I’m sorry, I had no-“

“Don’t be,” she said. “It was hot. I was home anyway so I decided to listen and get myself off.”

My eccentric vocabulary let me down- I had no response.

“What’s she look like?” my ex girlfriend asked.

I described her.

“She sounds hot. You think you’re going to see her again?”

“We actually have plans to see each other tomorrow night.”

“If you sleep with her again, do you think she’d let me watch?”

This was an idea that never would have occurred to me on my own, but hearing it from my ex girlfriend it seemed the best idea I’d ever heard, and I wondered why it never would have occurred to me. Apparently my imagination wasn’t what I thought it was. “Damn I hope so,” I said, truthfully.

The next night my ex girlfriend “accidentally” ran into us at the little door, sat down and got acquainted. The dinner wore on, and my ex didn’t leave our table. Finally, after dessert, she said, “So I guess you two are going to satisfy your libidinous yearning, huh?”

I admit I swelled with pride over my ex girlfriend’s use of language. She never would have phrased it like that before meeting me.

My date laughed. “You talk like that, too!” she said. “I love it!”

“Doesn’t everybody talk like that?” my ex girlfriend said.

“No!” my date said. “But to answer your question, we are going to satisfy our yearning right now-“

“And just how do you plan on doing that? I want details.” My ex girlfriend was pushing a little too hard, it seemed to me, but my date smiled mischievously at me and said,

“If you’re that interested, why don’t you and your vocabulary join us?”

So the three of us had sex that night. It was my third three-way so I was relatively relaxed but I have to admit that I wasn’t as excited as I should have been. It wasn’t really me that stimulated her- it was my vocabulary. She kept telling my ex girlfriend to “use your words, use your big, big words!”

It was only a matter of time before she found someone with a better car and job and a thesaurus to replace me. The rest of our relationship was just marking time. But it was nice to date two women for awhile.


Melissa said...


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