Tuesday, March 24, 2009

8 Easy Tips for Avoiding Financial Ruin in These Difficult Economic Times

I'm no economist, but I do have an advanced degree from the "school of hard knocks." There are some things you can do to prevent total financial ruin (some financial ruin is inevitable) in these difficult economic times. Here they are in no particular order:

(1) Be mobile with your money.

Banks are failing to the left of you, and to the right of you. They’re failing all over the place. I don’t mean to make you panic, but your bank is probably next. In that case, open a new account at another bank and transfer all your money into that account. Once you’ve done that, you can then move all your money into yet another account, at another bank, because chances are the new bank you just chose is about to fail, too. Keep doing that. The financially savvy citizen knows it’s important to always stay one step ahead.

(2) Don’t draw attention to yourself at work.

They can’t downsize you if they don’t know you’re there. Go into your office or factory or supercenter or fast food restaurant or wherever you work as quietly as possible. Don’t make eye contact with your boss. Then leave as quietly as you arrived. If you work near something large, why not try hiding under it?

(3) Foie gras vs Spam

Most people don't know what foie gras looks like, so what I've been doing is re-using the same foie gras tin packaging for the last year or so, replacing the long-ago eaten contents with "Spam." My guests are all impressed and Spam is about $95 an ounce cheaper. I keep my foie gras for myself.

(4) Your dog's food

This is a super-secret trick for all my dog-loving readers! Many dogs eat their own feces. So now when they make number two, why not collect it in a bag and, rather than throw it in the trash, keep it, and serve it back to the dog later? This will cut your dog food bills in half!

(5) Oral hygiene

Bleach is an inexpensive alternative to mouthwash.

(6) A cheap high

A cheap high can be obtained by defecating into a plastic bag and pouring 12 ounces of Coke into it. Allow to ferment overnight, and by the morning it will be ready for "duking" (as it's known on the streets). Huff and enjoy!

(7) Public transportation.

Gas is expensive. Seriously, have you seen the prices per gallon? It’s almost as expensive as printer ink. Take a ride, and meet your smelly neighbors, on the city bus. If anyone asks, tell them you’re being “environmentally conscious,” instead of just “painfully poor.”

(8) Read my blog.

As this entry has suggested, I have the secrets that will get you through this.

I hope this helps you as much as it's helped me. Thanks so much!

No comments: