Monday, March 16, 2009

Another Brilliant Episode of I Love Money 2

Becky Buckwild is the most cubist of all the I Love Money characters.

I don't have the vocabulary to adequately express the level of wonder and enchantment of each episode of VH1's "I Love Money 2". It is constantly surprising, bizarre, infuriating, and vastly entertaining. It's like trying to explain to someone why you love a cubist painting- "I love the beautiful chaos," or "the expression of never-ending movement in a stationary medium" - just look at the damn thing, then try to look away. If you can, you're either a bigger person than I am, or you just don't get it.

I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but this week's episode was better than last week's, and last week's episode was the single greatest hour of television in history. We start with fallout from last week's episode, when the appropriately named Frank the Entertainer had to eliminate his drunken, depressed, and none-too-bright cohort, Heat. Naturally, Frank and the other members of his alliance did not handle this setback with aplomb. On the contrary, they got into the faces of the hated Prancer and Tailor Made, shouting vituperative reproaches, and throwing their clothing around the room, in a display that mixed the intimidating with the pathetic.

"You turtle-faced bitch!" No, I do not know why Buckwild chose to insult Prancer in this way.

From there, the teams picked their captains- the green team selected Angelique, a proud stripper with enormous, surgically enhanced breasts and lips, whose subtitles have an accent, and the yellow team selected the tragic hero Bonez, a man whose integrity and spirituality mean more to him than money. Or common sense.

Angelique speaks with an accent, a fact the show nevair leets yeew forgeet.

The challenge involved the teams searching for coins encased in a giant block of ice. Members of the teams sat on, licked, and rubbed the ice in an attempt to get break the block down. For each coin retrieved, the team leader, dressed in a Mexican outfit the host assures us is "authentic," can remove one item of clothing. Angelique, a proud stripper (as I've mentioned before but it bears repeating since she mentions it herself over and over again), loves the idea of removing clothes. She would go naked or "nakeed" all the time if she could.

The yellow team would have won, if not for the sinister machinations of Becky Buckwild. She retrieves the team's final gold coin, but promptly runs out into the ocean and hurls it away, forever sinking her team's chances.

Now the yellow team must put three people up for elimination. Of course Becky Buckwild and 20 Pack will go into the box. But who from Tailor Made's alliance will join them? It must be someone who is likable, and who might have the best chance of convincing the strange and cartoonish Angelique to join their alliance.

Everyone hates Tailor Made and Prancer, so they're out. Ice is just Ice, and she really hasn't had a chance to develop as a character yet. So, in a move that would come to a surprise to no one who watches the show, Bonez, the thin, soft-spoken and highly religious man, is sent on the Power Outing with Angelique.

First, Angelique throws herself on 20 Pack. She wants a kiss, but he's reluctant. Still, she holds his fate in her hands, so he relents, to a degree, allowing her to straddle him on the beach, and flash her ample breasts at him. He makes a face, as if to express that he's unimpressed, to which I say, "Why the hell are you on this show, you sleazy hypocritical bastard?" Don't try to pretend she's not your type, 20 Pack. If you're willing to appear on "I Love Money," you have no standards.

Besides that, Angelique is attractive, in a strange and unsettling way.

Bonez gets to spend some "one-on-one" time with Angelique, during which he makes his case that his alliance is better than the one she's currently in. He shows her a list that Tailor Made has created, purportedly showing everyone in his alliance ("lion," as Angelique calls it), and therefore the strength in numbers. Angelique is surprised to Cali's name on the list, and frankly I surprised to hear that Cali was still on the show, since she barely registers.

There's some drama surrounding Cali, in which she insists that she's solidly in the ranks of the Frank the Entertainer's army. Why anyone would want to continue on with that loud, buffoonish clown is beyond me, but that's one of the great things about this show:

People on it do not act rationally. They do not act logically. Put another way, they act ridiculously.

Frank the Entertainer yelling illogically about something that makes no sense.

In the end, Angelique decides to keep 20 Pack around even though he does not want to hook up with her. In fact, he finds her physically repulsive. His loss, but she gets some measure of revenge by forcing him to kiss her before giving him his check. Next, there's some suspense as it looks like Bonez, who starts the elimination ceremony with a heartfelt speech about integrity versus negativity (and I think he said that some of the contestants were being "evil"), might get his check. But Angelique follows the Entertainer's script, and it's Becky Buckwild who is once again spared elimination.

Buckwild says something about Angelique's lips and chest being "fake" (by the way, I hate it when people say that breasts that have been surgically enhanced are "fake." they are not fake, they are real. they've just been enhanced) but her spirit being "real," or something like that, and then Becky Buckwild literally kisses Angelique's ass.

Which should answer anyone's question as to why this is such a great show.

Fake money in his hands, but apparently a genuinely nice guy. For what good it did him.

Poor, tragic Bonez is sent home, which prompts Tailor Made to salute his loyalty for "taking one for the team." From his expression, Tailor Made could be talking about a soldier falling on a grenade- it is that serious.

Oh, I cannot wait for next week.

Related, and very exciting news: Megan, who should have won last season's "I Love Money," is getting her own reality show, in which she will search for someone to marry:

Looking for the ultimate TROPHY WIFE?

Reality TV Star and Playboy Cybergirl
MEGAN HAUSERMAN is looking for a man who will shower her with LOVE and MONEY.

VH1 is casting SINGLE MEN of the HIGHEST PEDIGREE to compete for the bikini clad bombshell from ROCK OF LOVE 2, CHARM SCHOOL and I LOVE MONEY.

If you are a single man with the net worth of $1,000,000 or more, then Megan would love to meet you.

Whether you are a CEO or a TRUST FUND BABY, Megan would make the perfect arm candy for any man…who can afford her!

Please email your:

* Name
* Age
* Occupation
* Net Worth
* Contact Number
* Email
* And a short bio to…

Naturally, I've already sent my submission.

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