Monday, April 27, 2009

I Love Money 2 April 27: The Terror of It is Very Real

There's a point in any of these reality show competitions where the alliances fall away, and it's every person for himself. On "I Love Money 2," that point was reached last week, but Ice was slow to realize it. She would have been wise to heed the advice of Niccolo Machiavelli: "A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests." Myammee stabbed her right in the back, and in front of her face no less.

Myammee was standing right beside Ice during the Vault ceremony. All Ice had to do was turn her head a little to the right and she would have seen Myammee voting for her. But poor Ice had blinders on.

Now Prancer has positioned herself as the most worrisome contestant. She's physically strong despite the injury that no one really believes occurred, and she's aligned herself with Saaphyri. Tailor Made and Myammee open by plotting how to get her in the box. As long as she's not Paymaster, they feel they're okay. They have It on their side, after all.

Cut to Saaphyri and Angelique discussing things with Prancer. Saaphyri's sense of justice has been inflamed- she can't bear to "see evil people overcome." By evil, I assume she means anyone who's not part of her alliance, which now includes Angelique, Prancer possibly, and of course It.

It has somehow become the power player. The swing vote. The ultimate force for deciding who advances in the game and who falls. He's done this by presenting himself as the most innocuous, even perhaps a little silly contestant. It's been suggested that I'm wrong about him, that his act is not just an act. I submit that it would be difficult for It to find his way out of bed every morning if he were actually as silly as he's presented himself on this show. For proof, I offer the fact that each competing alliance believes they have a hold over him, and each needs his vote to achieve their goals.

It is the real force in the house.

For the challenge, the contestants are sent on an obstacle course that they must navigate while wearing giant inflatable breasts. Angelique and Saaphyri think this is ridiculous, because they are already well-endowed in the breast department. Angelique's breasts were sculpted by a true artist- they are large and perfectly round, and preternaturally perky. Saaphyri's are all-natural and pendulous; she is the earth mother, the Venus of Willendorf made tempting flesh, with the promise of both sensual delights and of tender nurturing.

Saaphyri shows so much promise. In some ways, you could say, she's nothing but promise.

Prancer is looking forward to wearing the inflatables and navigating the course- her stated goal in appearing on the show has been to earn enough money to buy herself a pair of breasts to at least equal Angelique's. This should be good practice for her.

Prancer has been open about her intentions from the very first episode: She wants newer, bigger breasts. Hey, it's her body, she can do what she wants with it.

...And she did, too.

It interviews that he intends to use his Superman powers to fly through the course. Superman, of course, is a fictional character. It is the Dead-Last Loser.

Prancer is Paymaster. Everyone seems nervous, except It. It seems incapable of being nervous. It seems to lack the higher-thinking required to become nervous about anything. Again I say it: If It were really this stupid, he would have to wear a diaper. It's performance on "I Love Money 2" has been second only to Becky Buckwild's, and I say it's been second only because for some reason I find her physically attractive. It is still in the game, while Becky is long gone.

Tailor Made, loyal to a fault, has only a little time to wheel and deal in an effort to save himself and the founding member of The Pretty Girl Alliance, Myammee. For some reason, Tailor Made trusts her. What kind of hold does she have on him? Is it physical attraction? I don't know, but we're treated to a shot of Tailor Made pleading their case to It. He manages to get It to commit to voting for Angelique and Saaphyri. But where is Myammee in all this? She's nowhere to be found. Perhaps Tailor Made believes that her presence would do more harm than good in his diplomatic mission?

Saaphyri thinks It might be confused. Or, maybe not. "He can't be that dumb, he must be plotting," she says. The other contestants are starting to wake up to It's game. Maybe.

In the Vault, It is barely able to contain his glee. When Craig calls him out, and asks what he thinks is so funny, he replies in his usual sheepishly charming and mumbled way, that he's "just chillin'." Everyone else is just dumb, he interviews. He cannot believe he's the smartest person here, at least in his own eyes. His laugh is chilling. It is sinister.

It has become a power player in the house. The turn the show has taken, with It's display of power combined with a chilling laugh, is even more terrifying than that horrid clown that Tim Curry played in the television adaptation of Stephen King's "IT."

Tailor Made: "If It screws up, there's a strong potential that I could be in the box... It's a little scary, because It's the decisive vote." We are all scared, Tailor Made.

It: "I gotta do what I gotta do." More terror.

To the shock and consternation of his bedmate Saaphyri, It votes Saaphyri and Angelique into the box. On the surface this is a profoundly stupid move. Prancer seems to have aligned herself with Saaphyri, who saved her last week while eliminating Ice, and Angelique, who has been in a lion with Saaphyri from the start. It should have voted Tailor Made and Myammee into the box.

Exhibit B, may it please the court, in my evidence that It is not so stupid as his competitors believe. He is attempting to break up Saaphyri and Angelique by presenting himself as the weakest person in the house. So weak, in fact, that he cannot think clearly enough to do the logical thing to save himself.

This strategy didn't work for Ice last week, because Ice had not cultivated a lovably disheveled and obtuse personality. Ice was not sharing a bed with anyone. Ice did not scratch her head confusedly every five minutes, and mumble, while screwing up his face as if even walking required the sheerest force of mental acuity that was just beyond his reach.

Angelique is wise to him. Angelique is wise to him because she has been playing a similar game to It, if less effective. Her accent is a lampoon, her "zesky" attitude a caricature. She has attempted, throughout the series, to position herself in as low and nonthreatening a place as possible. But It has trumped her, and it's humiliating. She sees the writing on the wall.

Angelique has used a number of strategic and diversionary tactics to advance in the game. Here she attempts to hear advice from a fake money-stuffed sea shell. It's no wonder she's made it this far.

She threatens to quit now, immediately, before the Vault ceremony is even completed. She can't trust Prancer, she rambles on. Everyone is a snake and her virtue is being corrupted by her proximity to these venal disroyal cretins. She wants out. Saaphyri convinces her stay, in solidarity with herself and with women everywhere. She is strong, she must come through. And, by the way, if Prancer does end up eliminating her, she will have the opportunity to curse the bitch before she leaves.

Like a real woman.

Yes, Angelique will stay, and will bite Prancer back, because camera is a bitch.

At the power outing, It leaves the women to metaphorically and literally hit balls on the golf course, while he uses the opportunity to drive the golf cart. More charmingly bizarre behavior. The women laugh, and take swings at their balls, while It laughs, and plots how to spend his $250K.

At the lunch, it's "Pussy Power" versus "the Dick." Saaphyri and Angelique make a plea for feminine solidarity against the MAN who put them in the box. There can be no greater betrayal than to have the man who's sharing your bed vote to put you up for elimination. Pick off the men one by one, and let the women fight it out for the money.

Prancer worries that It, a MAN, might not be as stupid as everyone thinks. Despite the evidence of her eyes and ears, she worries that he might turn out to be a Superman, that he might be pretending to be weak, and might fly in at the end and win everything.

Superman, as I've already stated, is a fictional character. It is very, very real. He is a nightmare figure, for sure, a sinister double agent who has tricked you all, but he is very real.

You should fear him, Prancer.

At the elimination, It makes a heartfelt plea for the money, to save the life of a long-dead grandfather. He continues to mumble and slur his words in such a way that the details are lost, but the feeling behind them is evident: "I am weak. I am stupid. I am inarticulate. Keep me."

Angelique is less effective, and Saaphyri even less than her. But Saaphyri spared Prancer last week- she expects the same in return.

First check goes to Saaphyri.

Now, Prancer is torn. She has wanted to get rid of the guys for awhile. But It is just so... so cute... so innocuous... so nonthreatening. Angelique, in her desperation to stay in the game, nearly won the Iron Boob challenge. She is a threat. Prancer feels she can defeat It. "He's blind, he can't swim, and he might really be that stupid." She does not feel the same about Angelique.

Goodbye Angelique. But, in her anger and frustration, she places a hex on both Prancer and It. Neither will win. Camera will come around, they will both get what they deserve. Which is to lose.

It's triumph is nearly complete.

Farewell, Angelique. You gave it a good try, but ultimately you were no match for It. I will not mourn you- I have a feeling you'll land on your feet. Or your knees.

Angelique pic source.
Myammee backstabbing pic source.
Angelique knees pic source.
Prancer natural breasts source.
Prancer newer breasts source.
Saaphyri pic source.

1 comment:

A.Jaye said...

Touche Robot guy. And thanks.

You present a worringly valid argument. Worringly becasue it means I've been mumued by It. And Becky Buckwild. And Frenchie!

You know what your problem is Ricky? You think everyone is smart like you.

Becky has Ali G syndrome, Frenchie is a free spirit after free sex and It?

They haven't found a cure for it yet.