Sunday, April 26, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 1


No one who would have looked upon Daisy de la Hoya would have figured her to be so susceptible to heartbreak. The tattoos, heavy makeup, elegantly coiffed hair, piercings, and confidential attitude gave the overall effect of a creature whose heart had been, if not hard from birth, then at the very least hardened by continual and bitter disappointment at the failings of humanity.

But those aspects of her person that would cause reproachful judgment in those who did not know her were in fact recognized as her cunning armor to those who did. Every modification to her physical appearance had been undertaken as a way of hiding her true feelings from everyone, for Daisy understood that anyone and everyone could be both a potential source of joy, and of heartbreak. Nevertheless, she did endeavor to find for herself a love true, which led her to finally take leave of her live-in ex-boyfriend, her band, and her occasional and possibly apocryphal stripping jobs, and engage in a televised program in which she might find the man of her dreams.

Mr. Michaels was an aged and wise man who found, in music, occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one. His travels had brought him contact with all manner of man and woman, but never such a woman as might be considered “a lady,” or a potential life partner. Thus, being so disappointed by the turns his own life had taken, he endeavored to find for himself true love on a televised dating program, in which a number of comely lasses would compete for his earnest affections.

For Daisy, open-hearted and of a lively, playful disposition, the prospect of winning Mr. Michaels’ affections seemed a dream come true. And the dream continued until the very final episode, when Daisy was crushed by yet another in a series of disconcertingly predictable disappointments. Daisy de la Hoya was to be Mr. Michaels’ second choice, with his first being the much elder and conniving Miss Lake. It seemed that, perhaps, Mr. Michaels was not looking for love at all, for if he were, he would surely have pursued Daisy’s affections?

But from out of that tragedy came the possibility of great triumph, as Daisy made the fateful decision to once again follow her heart, and attempt to find a true love on her own televised dating program. This time, rather than competing with the nearly two-dozen other sisters, she would be the owner of the property, and herself the object of pursuit of nearly two-dozen men, each of whom would seek to possess not only her body, but her soul.

The gentlemen numbered twenty, and stood outside the estate in the vast Hollywood Hills, awaiting anxiously. Each considered Daisy to be his ideal mate, from her sweet and open disposition, to her large, fake breasts and big lips. When they saw the motorized Hummer come over the rise, a cheer arose from the crowd- a most gentlemanly cheer indeed. When the Hummer stopped before them, however, they were most taken aback to discover that the passenger was not in fact their beloved Daisy, but rather Daisy’s manservant, Mr. Rachtman.

Just one week ago, Riki Rachtman, as host of the Rock of Love Bus reunion, told Bret Michaels he was correct to not pick Daisy de la Hoya in the second season of Rock of Love. This week, he is acting as her protector and manservant on her new show. Hmmm.

“I am undertaking to be Daisy’s protector,” the proper Mr. Rachtman explained to them. “I’ve been around this world, and seen many a sight. My sophistication is such that I can provide Daisy with most agreeable counsel in matters of the heart. Especially where scoundrels are concerned. For you see, I have been a scoundrel myself.” His wink was knowing, but bemused.

“And now I assume you all want to see your beloved, Daisy. She is awaiting you in the interior greatroom,” Mr. Rachtman added, sending the gentlemen rushing inside.

The greatroom was appointed most elegantly, with furniture imported from the finest Ikea, and guitars by Gibson hanging upon the wall. A stage had been set up, around which was a gate, where the gentlemen stood in a gentlemanly line, as gentlemen are wont to do in such circumstances, awaiting the entrance of their intended.

And what an entrance indeed! Preceded by four dancing girls of varying degrees of loveliness, Daisy herself entered in a leather and lace bustier and thigh-high fishnet stockings. Her breasts were just as large and fake as the gentlemen had imagined, her lips as large and inviting, and her singing as heavenly. Indeed, Daisy was not shy about sharing her latest hit with the men in waiting.

But, the song over, Daisy’s manner became melancholic. “I am here to find a love most true,” she explained. “I have been hurt before. I hope that none of you are here to hurt me.”

The gentlemen made vocal their noble intentions, and then proceeded to the bar, where they began the consumption of copious amounts of alcoholic beverages. There was an irresistible variety of wines and vodkas and tequilas, and even beers! The men drank until finally they were called back to the stage area by their lady love.

“The time has come the ceremony of naming,” Daisy explained, with a wry smile. “I shall assign to each of you a proper nickname, based upon the vibe I receive from you.” Indeed, Daisy’s and Mr. Rachtman’s naming style was based on a purely intuitive cleverness, such that one gentleman who performed a backflip in order to impress Daisy was thereafter to be called “Flipper.” Another was a stone-cold fox, which meant he would be called “Fox.” One had a sinister appearance in dress and demeanor, and thus did Daisy deign to call him “Sinister.”

Fox is a "fox," hence his nickname. Apparently, this is the type of guy Daisy finds most attractive, and is the one to beat. Because, you know, he's a fox.

And so Daisy proceeded, pausing only once to remark, “It’s difficult to come up with names for so many and varied a group of gentlemen!” She hoped against hope that she was capturing their personalities.

It was at this point that Daisy came face-to-face with the man known as 12 Pack. This was not 12 Pack’s first attempt at finding true love on a televised dating program, and thus it was Daisy let her suspicions be known. But 12 Pack opened his heart to her in as true and sincere a manner as possible. His previous love-searches were mostly for show, but now he knows what he wants. “I am looking for a woman of noble intent, who will abuse and cheat on me,” he explained.

Daisy, relieved, could see the sincerity in his eyes, and said, “I think I can accommodate your wishes.”

Are 12 Pack's intentions toward Daisy true? It depends on what your definition of "true" is.

Following the ceremony of bestowing nicknames, there was thrown for the gentlemen a lavish garden party. Truly it was the social event of the season, as these twenty gentlemen were among society’s finest, and it showed. Daisy was impressed by each of the men in his turn, each to varying degrees. Cage, for instance (so named for the fact that he engaged the most gentlemanly pursuit of cage fighting), kept a running tally of dead relatives tattooed upon his arm, so as never to forget the loved ones left behind.

Fox charmed her by explaining, “You are who you are. You are your name. You are the true epitome of ‘Daisy.’”

“Your wit is most dazzling!” Daisy exclaimed, feeling flushed with emotion and desire. Was it possible to be feeling such feelings so soon upon meeting?

Dropout took the opportunity of their conversation to impress upon her the fact that Tool Box had exclaimed, during their initial attempts at inebriation, that he was on the lookout for “bitches.” “I am sure he was not referring to hunting dogs,” Dropout explained. “He used the word ‘bitches’ to refer to women of loose virtue.”

Daisy was scandalized. “I certainly hope he did not mean to imply that I was such a woman?” She sought out Tool Box and, taking him to one side, explained, “I am not that kind of girl.”

Chastened, Tool Box offered his heartfelt apologies. “I offer you my heartfelt apologies,” he said. “I feel chastened.”

“I can see that you are,” Daisy said, relenting almost in spite of herself.

Tool Box proclaimed that he was looking for bitches. Daisy kept him around anyway. She has a very healthy self-image.

The Sweedish triplets attempted to impress Daisy by ingesting hot dogs directly from the freezer, without cooking them, drinking enormous amounts of alcohol, and speaking with adorable Sweedish accents. They also, perhaps, offered to engage in a complicated sexual act with her, the four of them, but their impenetrable accents made the notion at best questionable.

Flipper climbed upon the lighting scaffolding and leapt off, performing an astounding backward somersault.

But it was 12 Pack, the veteran of televised romantic pursuits, who had perhaps the most to prove to their beloved. Seeking her out, he endeavored to open to her his heart: “I am a good-looking man, and I am not retarded,” he said, nearly rendered inarticulate by his lovestruck devotion to her. “I also have amazing stomach muscles. A ’12 pack,’ if you will.”

“Hence your nickname!” Daisy exclaimed. “How utterly charming.” She paused then continued, “Still, 12 Pack, I want you to understand that I am guarding my heart. I have seen you on these programs before, and I know that you have engaged in affectionate- even scandalous- behavior with my bitter rival Heather.”

“That is all in the past, I assure you.”

“The past is not so soon forgotten,” Daisy said, morosely.

As the evening neared its end the garden party drew to a close. Reluctantly, and with a heavy heart, Daisy made her solemn announcement:

“Gentlemen! Thank you for an evening most generously accounted with interesting conversation and activities to warm even the coldest of hearts. Unfortunately, our time here on the program is limited, and I fear I must send three of you home right now.” She surveyed the crowd, and finally her eyes settled upon the triplets of Sweden. “Your charms are many and obvious,” she said, “but I fear I must send the three of you home.”

The triplets made declarations that were barely understandable, loaded their clothing with food and alcohol, and took their leave in a most gentlemanly manner.

“But we are not done yet,” Mr. Rachtman said, to the alarm and consternation of the gathered gentlemen. “Two more of you shall be removed from the show, and lose your place in Daisy’s heart, before this night is through.”

And so it was that the gentlemen retired to their bedrooms, where they endeavored to get ready for the ceremony of elimination. When one gentleman, the man playfully dubbed Weasel, is too much in his cups and passes out on his bunk, the others engage in a bit of playful and gentlemanly sabotage, attempting to make him appear retarded by drawing with a marker upon his face.

Twas all in good fun, however, as Weasel survives the ceremony. Indeed, the gentlemen who did not win Daisy’s heart were the cartoony Dropout, and the incomprehensible and dolphin-clicking Torch. The others of the assembled gentlemen had earned their first chains, and while they each felt noticeable and powerful relief, they knew that the journey to Daisy’s heart would be long and arduous, and this was merely the beginning of what promised to be a long and potentially hazardous journey.

The Swedish triplets that Daisy eliminated tonight, 84, 85, and 86, looked suspiciously like Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, and Mary-Kate Olsen. They just can't catch a break.

Rachtman pic source.
Other cast pics source.

1 comment:

A.Jaye said...

Garden party? Dearest Jane methinks 'twas a tea party. What the heathens call a 'piss up'.

I don't think the triplets are used to processed food. It semed to comatose them.

12pack is a cad. A ratings cad.

Why do VH1 go through the charade of Cable Guy?

And I can't wait for the charade of Charm School.

TFi: I'll read your ILM2 post after I've written mine. I don't want your genius to infect my genius.