Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Heartfelt Message to the Children

Dear Children,

You are the future, and I want what is best for you, and for the future. To that end, I have crafted for you some heartfelt advice that I feel will help you to do the best you can do. Follow this homespun wisdom and achieve your best possible future.

First, remember that the future is full of many colors, and the human eye cannot distinguish every color. That is a bold metaphor for children to remember, as they make their way toward the future.

Be good to the good people, and be be good to the bad people, but if someone tries to take advantage of you, cut him.

There is no greater sense of accomplishment that you can achieve than to do an honest day's work and get paid for it, unless it's the sense of accomplishment you feel from getting a stimulus check.

Loyalty is a virtue, as long as you're loyal to the right people. If they can help you, then by all means, remain loyal to them. But once their usefulness is done, move on to the next person, and stay loyal to him, for as long as it benefits you.

Make a pornographic video. They're fun to make and fun to watch, and make everyone a little happier.

Along those same lines: have as many multi-partner sexual encounters as you can.

A lot of people are going to try to give you advice. Don't listen to them. You have to make your own mistakes, even though they're the same mistakes everyone else has made, in the entire history of the world.

Don't marry the first person you fall in love with. Believe me, I know this from experience. She's not right for you. She will break your heart and leave you crying, and for some reason she won't be able to cry, maybe because it just feels so right to her. But it will crush you. So break her heart first.

Follow the rules. Unless the rules are made by jerks, or if they are bad rules. For instance, if there's a rule that says "hurt yourself," don't follow that rule. Now here's the tricky part: The rule will never say "hurt yourself." It will say something else, but it will mean the same thing. You have to figure out which rule is really saying "hurt yourself," and not follow that rule.

Do things that are bad for you in moderation, unless they're really, really fun.

Bullies have low self-esteem, so when they bully you, they're just showing how weak they are emotionally. Don't put up with that shit- cut them.

One day you will be embarrassed by all the stuff you think is "cool" now. The reason for this is that one day you will be grown up, and therefore no longer cool. The embarrassment you feel is a coping mechanism; it's there to help you deal with the bitter sting of losing your youth. Eventually you'll become senile, so try not to let it worry you.

Keep in mind what the adults are saying about you now: that you're overweight and bad for the environment. Remember that when it's time to send them to a retirement home.

When you see something online that irritates you, take the message boards and the comments section and post anonymous and snide comments. It's an effective and brave way to bring about change. Also, if someone diggs something you don't like, bury it.

When you grow up, try to come up with at least fifteen pieces of advice for the children.

Ricky Sprague

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