Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Start of Baseball Season Fills Me With Melancholia


Some baseball players take the game so seriously that they move their bowels on the field.

I see that baseball season has started up again.

With each new season, every team is equal, each game holds the promise of powerful emotion and graceful, fluid motion. It is a game that lends itself to poetry, to languid reflection punctuated by intense moments of pure adrenaline-pumping action oh to hell with this.

Baseball sucks ass pretty hard. It is boring. It is a bunch of jerks standing around for three hours, running a couple of minutes, and throwing a mothereffing ball around.

I have hated baseball since I was a child. I wonder about the people who actually care about it.

That said, many years ago, I dated a woman who absolutely loved the Los Angeles Dodgers, the professional team in Los Angeles, California. (I think they might have another team as well, but I forget what that is.) Because she was attractive and good in bed, I had to pretend to like baseball, too.

I spent a good deal of time studying the "stats" ("statistics") such as "Running Brought Into home" (RBIs) and "strikeouts" (denoted by the letter "K"; I don't know why) and learning all the teams. I discovered that there is a player whose position on the field is halfway between two of the bases, he is called a "shortstop," although I cannot for the life of me remember if he falls between first base and second, or second base and third (there are four bases, including "home plate," which is where the batter stands when he is swinging at his balls). I learned that getting 4 hits out of every ten times at bat is considered very good. I also learned that there was no way I could make baseball interesting to me.

Soon, the baseball fan I was dating became tiresome, and I could no longer justify pretending to tolerate something so profoundingly dull and distasteful as baseball.

And that was that. But sometimes, when I hear that first crack of the bat on opening day, my mind casts back to another, simpler time, when I was pretending to be something I'm not just so I could get a little ass.

Excuse me, I'm feeling melancholic.


Former "Surreal Life" star Jose Canseco apparently rose to fame playing baseball.

Jose Canseco pic from here.
BM pic from here.

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