Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Swine Flu Myths

The popular media is doing its part to ensure panic among the citizens regarding the scourge of swine flu. Of course it's important that everyone keep in mind the worst possible scenarios, because who knows, this swine flu might actually turn out to be as bad as normal flu, which kills more than 36,000 people a year. Maybe even worse- it might turn out to be as bad as traffic accidents, which kill more than 40,000 people a year. With that in mind, and in an effort to drive more traffic to my blog, I'm offering up a list of Swine Flu Myths:

Myth 1: A person can get swine flu from performing cunnilingus.
This statement is false- it has been perpetuated by alarmists, and by men who are too lazy to do their duty to their female sexual partners. It's possible, if the swine flu becomes significantly worse, that you might want to avoid eating out at restaurants, but otherwise you should be fine. Exercise caution, however, when having direct sexual contact with a swine flu infected partner.

Myth 2: Swine flu is more virulent than kung flu.
Kung flu will kick your ass. In fact, if you have a black belt in kung flu you will become immortal. But this does bring up an interesting question: Is swine flu the most virulent of the "animal strains" of influenza? The answer is, Not even close. Struthious flu, or ostrich flu, is much more deadly, and we should not hide our heads in the sand about it.

Myth 3: You can catch swine flu just by thinking about it.
People can "panic themselves sick," weakening their immune system, but a person must actually catch swine flu before he can physically suffer from it. Along those same lines, you cannot catch swine flu from a toilet seat. Not from normal use of the toilet seat, anyway. If you catch swine flu from a toilet seat, I really don't want to know what you were doing with it.

Myth 4: I should avoid traveling to inconvenient family events.
Weddings and birthdays can be annoying inconveniences, and they should be avoided for that reason alone, not because of swine flu. Unless you want to use that excuse.

Myth 5: I should wear a mask to avoid swine flu.
This one is actually sort of not a myth. A good, scary mask, such as a wolf man mask, or a zombie mask, could actually scare the swine flu away from you, so you might consider wearing one. The trade-off is that the really effective masks are heavy, and it gets really hot and damp inside them, which can lead to the hot damp flu, which is nearly as bad as swine flu. I guess you should use common sense.

If you do wear a mask as protection against swine flu, consider wearing a particularly scary one, like this zombie mask.

Zombie mask pic source.

No comments: