Saturday, April 11, 2009

What is a "Real Man"?

Some jerk has written an absolutely worthless, self-aggrandizing column for "Esquire" with the modest title "What is a Man?" It's astonishing to me that people can actually get paid to write something like this, which purports to extol universal virtues when in fact all it is is a transparent attempt to make the writer, obviously someone with low self-esteem, feel better about himself.

It starts out unpromisingly:

A man carries cash.


No, in this age of ATMs and credit cards, a person who carries cash is what's known as a "mark," and will be "rolled." A real man does not make himself the easy target of pickpockets and thieves.

From there it keeps getting worse, more condescending, and ever less intelligent.

A man can speak to dogs.


Anyone can "speak to dogs," you jackass. This literally means nothing at all. Unless he's trying to impress a woman who has a dog. This is a fairly common tactic among men who haven't the ability to walk up to a woman and engage her in real conversation. You walk up to her dog, or get your own and wait for the women to come to you. Smooth, real man.

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.


A man also takes cheap shots at celebrities, I suppose? That "Mark McGwire" shot is never explained, but he's probably talking about the steroids issue. McGwire has not admitted to using steroids, and everyone just knows he did, right? That's a given. So a real man jumps to conclusions about people. A real man does not forgive about something as important as a stupid GAME for crying out loud. A real man pushes the status quo and doesn't try to think for himself about important issues such as drug laws. Really charming.

How about this for what a real man does: A real man ignores rules that are arbitrary and unfair and make no sense. A real man does what's best for his OWN body even if it against the law. A real man does not bow to pressure from elected officials who should be worrying about the economy or the "war on terror," and not who might or might not have broken some unfair rules in a ridiculous game that means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. A real man has perspective and isn't an asshole.

But we also find out that a real man doesn't own up to mistakes if he makes them when no one else is looking and won't find out anyway:

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.


Wait a second. This one's also not explained (a real man apparently doesn't have to be a good writer), but I assume he's talking about when you're grilling, and a steak drops on the ground. A real man serves his friends or family members meat that has fallen on the dirty, fecal-covered ground, which is okay as long no one else notices it? Remind me to ask, next time I'm invited to a bar-be-cue, if the grill master considers himself a "real man". But then again, a real man wouldn't admit to that. A real man can't be trusted:

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.


A real man is a mothereffing liar who say anything to get you to just shut the hell up. A real man will roll over and let you "win" the argument just for the sake of expediency. A real man is a dishonest doormat.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.


This one is probably the most disingenuous of all. His implication is that a real man does something and then doesn't draw attention to the fact. But when you do the dishes, it's obvious that they are now clean, when they were dirty before. So obviously they were done. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out who did them, if the "real man" is around. Besides that, how hard is it to put dishes into a dishwasher and flip a mothereffing switch?

Oh, wait- I bet a real man washes dishes by hand.

Anyway, this whole worthless list is the equivalent of "doing the dishes," and then "pointing it out." The "real man" who wrote it is anxious to tell you just what a real man he is. He had a platform with which to do it (there was a link to this drivel on the yahoo main page this morning), so he wanted to make the most of it. I hope he got a date out of it, at least.

There's more to the article but I've grown tired of it. Being a real man I've got some people to lie to and some steaks to drop on the dirt. Oh yeah and I'll probably do the dishes, too, so be on the lookout for that.

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