Sunday, May 3, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 2


The previous evenings’ events having left nothing but sweet memories, piles of elegant trash and detritus, and flotsam and jetsam within the gentlemen’s own buzzing heads, all awoke with most agreeable dispositions in anticipation of another grand day of romantic pursuits. Although five were eliminated the previous evening, leaving a grand total of fifteen gentlemen vying for Daisy de la Hoya’s hand, 12 Pack insisted, while lifting his bed in an exorbitant display of muscular acuity, that there still remained much in the way of dead weight.

“I will not be satisfied until I’ve thrown off the other gentlemen, much as I throw off my bed now,” he said, his voice betraying not a hint of the exertion he must have felt.

Weasel, surveying the remains of the previous evening’s revelries, exclaimed, “This place is grody as f*ck right now.” Then, giving the matter further thought, he added, “I simply must clean myself off and let Daisy know that I am not the hot drunken mess I appeared last evening.”

The other gentlemen found this sentiment most agreeable indeed, and all of them raised a glass of fine red wine in a toast. They would all present themselves in the best possible and gentlemanly light so as to impress their beloved.

At this point, Mr. Rachtman entered and bid them all follow him into the greatroom, where awaited them all manner of clothing and props. Their curiosity piqued- for Daisy was nothing if not surprising- they surveyed the room and wondered what their beloved had in store for them.

Clearing his throat, Mr. Rachtman explained. “Gentlemen. Today we shall play a most delightful role-playing game, in which you will each be presented as students, while Daisy shall be your teacher. Impress her with your individualized show-and-tell endeavors. You shall have but one hour to come up with a display suitably designed so as to adequately portray your own personality, comportment, and humour. Let Daisy see the real you today, gentlemen!”

Having been thus instructed, each of the gentlemen took the time to come up with moving self-portraits. Upon the passing of the hour, the gentlemen were led into a makeshift schoolroom, complete with desks for studying, and a blackboard.

The comely Daisy was tastefully attired in pink legwarmers, spectacles, and a half shirt and skirt combination. As she watched the fellows enter, she found herself feeling a mixture of familiar but exciting emotions. Naturally she worried for the state of her heart; this romantic televised dating program was for her a serious and life-changing event. But there was also an undeniable sense of arousal, as her anticipation at the prospect of spending time in the company of such elegant gentlemen reached its climax.

Endeavoring to project a façade of ambivalence, Daisy burdened the gentlemen with the rules of the day’s competition: “Those whose presentations to me are deemed more than adequate shall win a date with me. Those whose efforts are found wanting shall received detention slips, and the accompanying punishment.”

Naturally, there were those numbered among the gentlemen who considered throwing the competition, for the prospect of receiving punishment was most highly pleasurable.

Weasel, feeling pressure to overcome the sorry impression he made upon Daisy the previous evening, began his presentation by bestowing upon her a gift of a locket, fortuitously shaped as a “daisy.” The precious pendant had been in his family for generations, and when his dying grandmother had given it to him, she admonished him to present the gift only to the woman he deemed to be his one true love. That of course was Daisy.

“And now, having presented you with this gift, I would like to display a few photos depicting myself in a number of extreme and full-throttle situations.” These photos showed Weasel performing a series of increasingly dangerous motorcycling tricks, followed by a photo of himself in traction.

Daisy could not help but be impressed.

Fox, previously considered the man to beat owing to his being a “stone cold fox” presented Daisy with a most hilarious, humorous novelty, an erotic toy. “This humorous novelty is meant to be an illustration of what the mere sight of you does to my own sexual organs,” he explained, smiling.

Almost despite herself, Daisy questioned the appropriateness of such a gift.

Professor presented a lesson plan of love, a most gracious and gentlemanly act of instruction for the other gentlemen who were, to be sure, his competitors.

“I know not whether your act was one of gentlemanly graciousness, or one of callous arrogance,” Daisy mused, as Professor returned to his seat. “You are an enigma to me.”

Professor smiled wanly.

The Professor showed more personality in this photo than he has shown on the program. Nice ring- is that his teacher of the year award?

“I began composing for you a song,” London began.

Daisy’s face alit with anticipation. “I simply must hear it!” she exclaimed.

London’s face sagged. “Alas, I was unable to complete the tune, owing to the rather wretched state of my head, following last night’s exciting garden party. I’ve composed a mere two lines thus far.”

“Let me hear them,” Daisy insisted, feeling her disappointment growing.

Again, London was silent for a few moments, before finally revealing, “Well, my beloved, you’ve already heard half of it, for you see, I transcribed one of the two lines from lyrics found on your myspace page.”

“Oh!” Daisy exclaimed. “Please find your seat, and know that I am sorely disappointed by your behaviour.” Her face betrayed her emotions, a state in which she was loath to find herself, compounding her irritation with London.

Flex presented Daisy with an inflatable blow-up doll, meant to represent himself.

“Is the doll not smarter than you?” Daisy asked, coyly.

The gentlemen laughed.

“There are times,” Flex admitted, good-naturedly, “when I fear I am a douche bag, and behave quite unintelligently.”

12 Pack presented Daisy with a bouquet of dead flowers, which he threw into the trash receptacle with a flourish. “These dead roses represent my own past,” he stated. “A past I deny and leave behind forever. This is the only televised dating program on which I’ve ever appeared that has really meant something to me.”

Daisy felt her face turn red, for she knew 12 Pack was sincere.

The truck driving Big Rig presented Daisy with a photograph of the most important person in his life, an adorable young son dressed in his finest super heroic attire. “My son is my proudest achievement,” Big Rig stated, his eyes wide. “Even greater than being cast on this televised dating program.”

“That is wonderful,” Daisy said. Then, upon some consideration, she thought, “I have never dated a man with a child before,” apparently forgetting, or perhaps apparently trying to put out of her mind, her tumultuous weeks with the rock and roll celebrity Mr. Michaels.

6 Gauge, a gentleman skilled at the mixing of alcoholic beverages, presented Daisy with a drink made from ingredients inspired by the women herself. For her beauty there was whiskey. For her flaxen hair there was orange flower water. For her lovely demeanor there was triplesec. For her open heart there was salt. He continued on in this manner, enumerating each of her best qualities and applying its appropriate mixed drink ingredient in turn, before finally presenting Daisy with the result.

Irresistibly, Daisy took a sip and exclaimed, “I taste good!”

The gentlemen proceeded in their turn, some with memorable presentations, and some with less than memorable presentations. Finally, the gentleman known as Chi-Chi took his place at the head of the class.

“I am a big baby, with a big heart,” he boldly exclaimed. He then proceeded to read to the gathered assembly a tear-jerkingly touching poem delineating his many trials and triumphs, entitled “Upon a Clearing Sad.”

Upon a clearing sad,
Witnessed I the good and bad,
My life full of tumult
A hard edifice I have built.

For his real-deal stuff, Chi-Chi received a standing ovation from the appreciative gentlemen. Each of them looked at one another in wonder and amazement. Chi-Chi had truly opened his heart to them, and to Daisy. It was an impressive display of emotion and a true beacon for the other gentlemen to follow and a lofty goal to which they all felt they must aspire.

“Thank you so much for your heartfelt sentimental poem,” Daisy said, wiping away a tear. She surprised herself, by being unable to contain her emotions, just as Chi-Chi had surprised her by laying bear his own.

Chi-Chi wears his heart on his sleeve. Actually, he wears his heart on his chest- his sleevework depicts much more than just hearts.

It was left to Flipper to follow Chi-Chi’s heartfelt display with one of his own.

“Mine is a poem of warning to you, Daisy,” he said, solemnly.

“Of warning, sir?”

“Indeed, of warning,” Flipper repeated. “For you see, I have spent time with these gentlemen, and I have seen them as they really are. None of them, I fear, are truly here for you and none of them, I fear, have a love that is true.”

“Is that part of your poem?” Daisy asked.

“No! But I am of a poetical bent,” Flipper admitted. He then proceeded to recite his poem:

These gentlemen are not so gentle,
Indeed many of them are quite mental,
Their motives are as pure as mud,
Each one in their turn is merely a dud.

The other gentlemen, naturally, were unamused.

For their good works in impressing Daisy Chi-Chi, 6 Gauge, and Weasel were presented with gold stars. Fox, London, and Flex were given detention. Their punishment was to perform lap dances for three of Daisy’s closest friends. The gentlemen signaled their approval with a smattering of polite applause.

Then there entered three of the most elegant and remarkably elderly women of the town. First was Mrs. Wigglesbottom, of the northern hills, the wife of a vicar. Second was Mrs. Squatsmuch, who was rumoured to have lost much of her fortune to an irresolute uncle. Third was Mrs. Dowdypants, a woman whose dowry had consisted of four estates scattered throughout the valley.

“The gentleman who gives the best lap dance to these charming women,” Daisy explained, “shall have the chance to join myself and my three gold-starred gentlemen on our day out together!”

The men threw caution to the wind and themselves into the challenge, getting down and dirty, making the grandmothers warm with their vigorous and gentlemanly undulations. When it was all over it was London, the plagiarist, who emerged victorious.

The evening was given over to revelry, as the gentlemen engaged in yet another garden party, where the primary topic of discussion was Flipper. Not in anger or jealousy, but in pity did the others view their fellow.

“Are you speaking of me?” Flipper demanded.

“We have some concern regarding your state of mind,” Cable Guy explained.

“Are you speaking of me?” Flipper again demanded, this time addressing himself solely to Cable Guy. “For your lazy eye makes it difficult for me to be sure exactly whom you’re addressing when you speak.”

“There is no need for such rough talk,” Cable Guy said.

“As for my state of mind,” Flipper said, betraying only a hint of anger, “if it so concerns you, perhaps you’d agree to a duel?”

“I have no desire to challenge you to a duel,” Cable Guy said, stepping backward. He was a man of a mostly gentle disposition, who engaged in duels only rarely.

“Perhaps if you won’t duel me, then a round of fisticuffs is in order!” Flipper exclaimed, balling his hands into fists and throwing his arms around.

“Again, I’ve no desire to engage you in any kind of combat,” Cable Guy clarified.

“If you’ll not fight me, then I shall have to fight myself!” Flipper cried. He smashed upon his forehead a bottle of alcohol, and then retired to Daisy’s quarters, where he withdrew himself from competition.

“Your heart is a wonderful prize,” he said. “But I fear that I must ensure I do not lose my mind in its pursuit.”

“A true gentleman knows his limits,” Daisy said. “And while I appreciate your withdrawal from the competition to win my heart, I accept said withdrawal with deep reluctance.”

Flipper thus departed, the other gentlemen used his forgotten shoes as a latrine, as gentlemen are wont to do.

Flipper is apparently interested in men, if this myspace posting from Jeffree Star is to be believed. In fairness, Jeffree Star's not bad looking.

Later that evening, Brooklyn called his girlfriend back in New York. He explained to her that he would be remaining at the de la Hoya estate in the Hollywood Hills for a bit longer than anticipated.

“Hold, sir,” she said. “I demand clarification. Am I to understand that we have broken up?”

Brooklyn was filled with trepidation. Perhaps becoming intoxicated and telephoning his girlfriend was not the best course of action. He should have listened to his brain, and not the ramblings of his heart. “We have been broken up,” he said. “That is why I am closeted at the de la Hoya estate.”

“If you make out with anyone on that show we’re through,” she said, matter of factly.

For the remainder of the evening and into the small hours, she continued to call, repeatedly, and told anyone who answered in a delirious singsong, “Chris has a girlfriend!”

“Oh, lament!” Brooklyn exclaimed.

The four gentlemen accompanied Daisy on their date to the beach. Many of them had never surfed before, and the feel of the board beneath their feet and spray of the salt water in their hair was a new experience.

“Isn’t my bikini cute?” Daisy asked the men.

They were all in agreement that it was.

Daisy pouted. “Would it not be a shame to cover such a cute bikini with a wetsuit?”

They were all in agreement that it would.

“Good!” Daisy said, smiling, and racing with her board toward the surf.

Later she asked Chi-Chi to accompany her, alone. Sitting on the beach, with the sun beating down on them pleasurably, the smell of saltwater in the sand beneath their toes, they whiled away a few calming moments.

“What type of woman do you like?” Daisy asked, coyly.

“I like petite women with large breasts and blond hair,” Chi-Chi said earnestly.

Daisy eyed him skeptically. “Are you sure you’re not merely saying what you believe I want to hear?”

“Oh, no,” Chi-Chi said. “I am small in stature, and I have always appreciated a small woman I can wrap my arms around.”

“I hope you will kiss me tenderly,” Daisy said, swept up in the romance of the moment.

They shared a kiss.

On the way back to the estate, the other men told Daisy about the calls from Brooklyn’s girlfriend.

“In fairness, perhaps she is his ex girlfriend,” 6 Gauge said. “Still, one has to wonder how she got your number, and why she was calling it.”

“Indeed,” Daisy agreed, thinking. “This certainly calls into question his earnestness.”

“I worry,” London added, “about a man who calls a woman- whether she be his ex-girlfriend or current girlfriend- while residing in the estate of another woman.”

Daisy spent a few moments with Brooklyn.

“I want to offer my sincere and one thousand percent apology,” he said. “I did indeed call her, but my intentions were pure. I merely wanted to tell her that she and I were no longer romantic partners, and that I was a guest here at your lavish estate where I was having the time of my life.”

Daisy looked deeply into his eyes. “I can tell you’re sincere, and I accept your honest apology.”

Brooklyn's got one thumb up for Daisy, and one thumb up for his [ex?] girlfriend back in New York.

When she sought to speak to the Professor, she was less kind.

“I am not used to being an aggressor,” he explained. “I am passive when it comes to women. I work hard at my job, and at maintaining my physique. You are an elegant mystery to me, unlike any other woman I’ve ever pursued, and it has vexed me, I fear.”

Daisy was driven to distraction, barely able to open her eyes once the Professor had finished speaking.

In the end it was Weasel and the Professor who were sent home.

“I worry about you, Daisy,” Mr. Rachtman said. “I fear you’re making a mistake; that perhaps you’re too attracted to the so-called ‘bad boys’ for your own good.”

“These mistakes are mine to make,” Daisy insisted. “Besides, a woman knows when she feels attraction for a man, and she cannot help it when that attraction is felt.”

Weasel apparently spent too much time either drunk or passed out from drink to win Daisy's heart. It's a treacherous world out there, and Daisy needs a man who will be sober and conscious at least some of the time.

Flipper pic source.
Brooklyn pic source.
Weasel pic source.
Professor pic source.
Chi-Chi pic source.


Melissa said...

Thank god Flipper left. What a tool. Though that might make him a good match for Miss Daisy.

A.Jaye said...

Dear Jane

Methinks Brooklyn will continue in his faux courtship as this will tantalize the view into anticipation of the inevitable arrival of his true love.

The New York caller ID psycho bitch.