Sunday, May 17, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 4



I compose this letter burdened with a great deal of emotional uneasiness. I was of course quite fortunate to be able to recently visit with you, and to gain your counsel regarding the musical nature of the challenge I put before my gentlemen. However, I fear that my pleasant memories of the week will be forever subsumed beneath the turmoil that made my most recent elimination one of awkward deliberation and great pain.

There were nine gentlemen remaining, and I felt confident that I had done away with all of the quitters and schemers. This is not to say that I believed I had removed all sources of potential injury. By way of example, the relationship of the best friends Chi-Chi and Sinister was cause for great concern to me. Naturally, being a lady, I did not want to be the cause of any ill-will between them.

All of this is preparatory to my examination of the events leading to the elimination that still causes me such turmoil.

Things began innocently enough, when I set for my gentlemen a challenge that recognized both my current womanly interest in the musical lifestyle, and my only too recent innocent childhood. The nine remaining gentlemen were put into three groups of three, and charged with creating new, sophisticated versions of nursery-rhyme classics.

As you know, Taylor, my very best friend in the world and daughter of a guitarist for The Steve Miller Band, you were one of the judges of this competition, along with myself and my wise and sage counselor and servant Mr. Rikki Rachtman. The venue was the world-famous Knitting Factory in Hollywood, a wonderful structure in which has taken place some of the most entertaining diversions ever created to while away a weary hour. All of us were duly humbled to be there.

Remember how we gasped with delight and no small amount of scandal as 6 Gauge, Big Rig, and Flex played their version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"? Big Rig walked upon the stage completely nude, save for one unstrategically-placed guitar, and, not to be outdone, 6 Gauge stripped off his pantaloons and shook his banana hammock like I'd never seen before!

Alas, their makeup was such that they had the looks of little children who'd gotten into their mother's vanity. I would clearly have to do something about that!

Next, London, Chi-Chi, and Cage took the stage, and performed their rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Their skills were good, and the lyrics quite impressive: "Daisy, Daisy, you're driving me crazy," London sang with his dulcet voice.

Taylor, I know I can confide this in you, for you are my very best friend in the world: London had a hold on me! Oh, I know it's tragic to write this, but it's the undeniable truth!

London had a hold on me!

Finally, Sinister, 12 Pack, and Fox took the stage to perform "Old McDonald." Their skills were also quite impressive- at least, the skills of Sinister and 12 Pack were. Fox, for his part, had very nice hair.

The clear consensus between you and Mr. Rachtman was that Sinister's group of minstrels was the best, and most skilled. As you know, however, I chose to not so much to disregard your advice as to ignore it, and chose London's group as the winners.

Taylor, I say it again: London had a hold on me!

Remember when London threw up in the first episode? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

I took the three men with me on a motorized tour bus, which drove us to the Gibson Showroom which is, as you know, a museum for very famous musical instruments, played by some of the most famous musicians in the world. Famous people such as your father, Taylor!

Again, I wish to thank you for your wise council in helping me to choose a winning musical team in this challenge.

During the bus ride, ominous intimations attempted to reveal themselves, but my heart would not allow me to open my eyes. Perhaps London's candor beguiled me, I know not. He stumblingly revealed to me the pain of his father's chemical addiction, his kind of homelessness, his couch surfing. Truly, London was a deep man of deep conviction and suffering, and I wanted to hold him, to caress him tenderly and cover him in kisses and tell him that everything would be alright one day, that the world would catch up with him...

London had a hold on me.

Remember when London was so passed out drunk in that first episode that even the insane Flipper was worried about him? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Gibson was good enough to provide each of the three winners with brand new Epiphone guitars, prompting more revelation from London. It seemed that he had only recently sold his own instrument, to pay some outstanding debts. This was a true gentlemanly act, to give up the thing you love the most in order to maintain your integrity.

Yes, Taylor, today I am afraid I feel like a guitar.

After a few moments of pleasant diversion with all three men, I chose to spend some alone time with Cage, for up to this point I regret to say I had not spent very much time with him. He revealed to me the source of his great and troubled soul, opening up to me in a very touching way. In fact, his suffering seemed genuine, involving as it did the loss of his parents and his actual, real, and genuine homelessness as a child, and the path that led him to become the cage fighter I know and cherish today.

London had a hold on me, Taylor.

On the ride back, London sensed that I was not giving him the proper attention and respect due a gentleman. "If you don't like me, send me home!" he said. "I will help you pack, if that's what you want," I replied. "My name is Joshua Lee, not London. I am a real person," he said. As if somehow giving him a clever nickname was meant in any way to diminish his personhood.

He went on to add, "And I'm not even from London."

Remember in the second episode, when London wrote a song for Daisy consisting of two lines, one of which was plagiarized from Daisy's myspace page, and he lost the challenge and was forced to do a granny lapdance? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Even as we shared this argument, I understood that the reason we fought was because we care so much. Later, we shared tender kisses as I asked- no, Taylor, I am ashamed to say I begged London to stay, and to not make me cry.

The next day I sent 6 Gauge, Flex, and Big Rig to receive a real rock and roll makeover. To my mind, they had lost the previous day's challenge, and this was actually intended as punishment. If you'd stayed on at the estate and seen them when they returned, you would have seen just how comical they looked, Taylor. Oh, it was all I could do to keep from laughing.

While the three men were away, I spent time with the remaining six playing at Truth or Dare. You know how much I love that game, Taylor. Remember when we were but small children, the games we would play together, daring at kissing boys and each other, demanding to hear the truth from each other about our darkest emotions and desires? This game rivaled those for pure sensibility. I learned, for instance, that Chi-Chi looks up to and admires his good friend Sinister. I learned that 12 Pack can beat Cage at arm wrestling. And I learned that London does not like to answer questions about the circumstances of his current couch surfing situation.

He stormed out of the room, leaving me with the five remaining gentlemen, and the hold he had over me.

Immediately before the elimination ceremony, I again engaged the council of the wise Mr. Rachtman. After all, how could I ignore his council if I hadn't heard it? In terms most vehement he insisted that London was exactly the type of gentleman to be avoided. He is a drunk loser, he insisted. He cannot make a commitment. He is selfish. He is of questionable moral character.

Alas, none of Mr. Rachtman's advice took into account the most important aspect of London's character: The hold he had over me.

Remember in the third episode, when London tried to make his ridiculous hair look good? Okay, this one's not so bad- I can't really remember anything he did in the third episode. No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

Following the talk with Mr. Rachtman, I stole away to London's quarters and, between tender kisses, I told him that I would offer him a star and chain, as an invitation to remain with me at the estate. I only hoped he would accept it.

I can reveal now, Taylor, my dear friend, that when I finally did offer London his chain, he revealed the inner workings of his own heart. "I cannot fake it," he said. "It shouldn't be this hard, this early. I cannot accept this chain."

I left him standing there, my eyes full of tears, barely able to gasp out, "It makes me feel like I'm not good enough!" as I ran from the greatroom.

I was so overcome by my sensibility that I forgot Sinister, Fox, and 6 Gauge hadn't yet received their stars and chains. Sinister should be used to being forgotten by now, being as I left him alone in our private booth last week. But the other two certainly expected better.

London left the estate, but I have to wonder if he might some day return?

He has a hold on me.

Thank you for reading this, Taylor. I remain forever with respectful compliments your well-wisher and friend,


Actually, I just thought of something he did in the third episode: Remember how in the third episode London made out with Daisy a couple of times, and then in this episode he acted like a belligerent, spoiled, entitled prick? No wonder Daisy liked him so much.

London first ep pics source.
London second ep pic source.
London third episode pics source.


A.Jaye said...

'How could I ignore his council if I hadn't heard it?'

True speech dear Jane. That Rachtman one is an old time loser jealous of the young lions in the house. This wizened mangle of flesh clearly wants to duke Daisy.


Just like this whole damn show.

shampoo said...

Notice how Daisy's alone time with Cage took most of the date? And how London was in a completely foul mood when they returned. Hmmmm... Wonder what tender mercies the ladylike Daisy showed him whilst London and ChiChi were left to amuse themselves amongst Taylor's father's cast-off guitars?

If the story he told Daisy has any truth to it at all... wow, that's bad and it's possible they were just talking. But, I think Joshua Lee, Real Person, suspected something else.

A.Jaye said...

Which is why real people don't belong on TV. Once you see the set ups and the marks you gots to go.

Ricky Sprague said...

But can we expect to see a Joshua Lee/London show? Perhaps "London of Love"? Or, to prove his punk bona fides, "London Calling"? And if the Clash fights them on that they can go with "London Courting."

shampoo said...

Good point, A.Jaye.

Rick Sprague, aw... poor Joshua Lee, real person, I can't imagine him with a dating show. So, that means he'll get one. They'll probably called it "London of Love." hehe

A.Jaye said...


'London Kills Me'.