Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 5
The previous two eliminations had ended with Daisy, suffering from an excess of sensibility, storming out of the greatroom in brokenhearted tears. But it was not only Daisy whose heart overflowed- the gentlemen, seeing the effects of London's refusal to accept his chain, worried that their own connections to the eminently desirable young lady were tenuous, were also in an agony of emotion. Were the connections they were inevitably feeling reciprocated by the object of their desires?
As the gentlemen mused and commiserated in their shared sleeping quarters, Chi-Chi, still groggy with sleep, implored the others: "Gentlemen! Please consider leaving, that I may finish the constitutional that you have, no doubt inadvertently, interrupted."
"We are commiserating," Cage replied. "A gentleman does not interrupt the airing of emotions, when others are hurting!"
"A gentleman does not interrupt the sleep of others, to air his emotions!" said Chi-Chi.
"Then, I am to be a stoic?" Cage asked. "Denying my true feelings? Improbable!" He grabbed Chi-Chi's bed and shook it. A fighter by trade, Cage's natural inclination was to solve his disagreements with a gentlemanly duel. It was true that dueling was going out of style, at least in certain circles, but Cage was perhaps an anachronism. It was not that he worried that the world might be passing him by, but that he worried that the world could not keep up with him.
Nevertheless, on this day, he manfully abstained from challenging Chi-Chi.
Cage started out the episode by picking a fight with sweet little Chi-Chi. Even I could beat up Chi-Chi.
Big Rig prepared coffee and fig newtons, the gentle Daisy's favorite snacks. "Let these fig newtons soothe your troubled spirit," he said, entering her sleeping quarters.
"Oh, you are so sweet!" Daisy declared, with great excitement. "This gentlemanly gesture has made me almost completely forget London, the gentleman who currently resides in a most favored place in my heart!"
"Indeed, dear lady, that was my intention," Big Rig said, satisfied.
When the gentlemen were assembled in the greatroom, Mr. Rachtman, dressed in a fashionable blue mechanic's jacket with a leopard print collar, informed them, "Today, gentlemen, you will be challenged to create photographic images of your intended, Daisy, to adorn the cover of her newest single, 'Pretty Messed Up.'" This was a challenge that had gone over well in previous seasons of "Rock of Love," but in those, the subjects to be photographed were not the love-objects of the guests. In this case, the gentlemen would be photographing Daisy herself, which made the whole endeavor much more delightful, and an admirable way to pass an idle hour.
"I love to play dress up!" Daisy said, unable to contain her enthusiasm.
Mr. Rachtman was more serious: "You will be judged on creativity, and the extent to which you allow Daisy's musical inspiration to act as your muse. Although I'm sure that as gentlemen you are all intimately acquainted with Daisy's musical endeavors, you'll all be given a musical disc of the song, along with a lyric sheet, so there will be no misunderstanding of Daisy's intentions."
The gentlemen were grateful for the consideration.
Daisy stepped forward and divided the teams based on her own inimitable logic: "The first team shall consist of Big Rig, Chi-Chi, 12 Pack, and Cage. This shall allow Chi-Chi and Cage to work through their disagreements in a civilized manner, with creativity. The other team shall be 6 Gauge, Sinister, Fox, and Flex, because I want Fox and Flex, the two most comely gentlemen, on the same team, so that when they win the challenge I shall have my pick from amongst them as to who to spend the solo date with."
As the surveyed the men and made her selections, Daisy could not help but to wonder what the absent London would have brought to the challenge. She sighed pensively, but none of the gentlemen knew why.
Each team pored over Daisy's heartfelt lyrics as if they were the Rosetta Stone, holding the secret code that would enable each team to create the most perfect representation of her charms.
The first team chose to represent Daisy as a high class lady of the evening, at a public house at last call, sharing tender kisses with a random man portrayed by 12 Pack.
The first team chose to try to make Daisy up like Marilyn Monroe. They do have a lot in common, actually- I think Marilyn Monroe was hospitalized for exhaustion too.
The second team chose to represent Daisy as a musical lady of the evening, sharing tender kisses with two random men portrayed by Flex and Fox.
The judges, Daisy, Mr. Rachtman, and world-renowned "rock photographer" Miss Bree Kristel Clarke, examined each team's representative photo with a discerning eye, before Daisy made her completely impartial choice, selecting the second team's photo as the best, and selecting Fox to be her companion for the solo date.
This is the photo that Daisy deemed the most flattering...
...I suppose it is at least as flattering as her official Jack Daniels and coke bird flipping promotional picture.
Naturally, the other competitors for Daisy's affections were most disappointed in her choice.
Fox, ignoring the other gentlemen and sparing only attention enough to prepare for his date with Daisy, applied makeup and pomade eagerly. This would be his chance to show Daisy just how much she meant to him, and he intended to take full advantage.
"I feel I am the realest dude here," Fox said, during their Greek god-themed solo date, in which Daisy had appointed her very own sleeping quarters with flowing draperies and an assortment of wines, fruits, and cheeses. "I cut hair."
"But what are you looking for?" Daisy asked.
"I'm looking for that special connection that only amazing people such as myself share. For instance, suppose you are in a situation in which you need to visit a public house, or perhaps attend a fashionable social gathering. I want a romantic partner to join me in such activities, and to know when the time is right to engage in those activities." He smiled.
"I worry that we are missing something," Daisy said.
"We can conversate silently," Fox said, meaningfully.
"Our lips should not be used for speaking anymore tonight," Daisy agreed agreeably, and the two shared tender kisses
Meanwhile, Cage brooded. In the language of love, his vocabulary was not nearly so large as the other gentlemen. He worried that Daisy, the clear object of his desire, was not so interested in him as he in her. He further worried that, with such concerns weighing heavy on his mind, he would lash out at the other gentlemen in an ungentlemanly manner.
Happily there was distraction. As the gentlemen engaged in yet another garden party, a skunk stole its way into the estate. Without regard to their own safety or vanity, the gentlemen endeavored to capture the beast. They managed the feat, but not before Big Rig, Flex, and 12 Pack were overcome by the skunk's glandular expression, each man rendered physically ill by the stench.
For all the negative aspects of the skunk incident, it brought the gentlemen closer together in a common cause that was not the capturing of Daisy de la Hoya's heart. It was the capturing of a skunk.
The skunk in the house is probably a metaphor or something, but I'm too dumb to figure out the symbolism.
Daisy's idea for the four-date with Sinister, Flex, and 6 Gauge was to take the men to an indoor skateboarding park. None of the men had ever been skate boarding before, but Sinister made a go of it. For his part, Flex found the highest of the hills, and made a valiant attempt to ride his board down it, falling in the process.
Daisy was most impressed, but found 6 Gauge's standoffish attitude a bit disappointing. "Why are you so aloof, Mr. 6 Gauge?" she asked him.
"I am a businessman," he said. "I am more mature, at 29 years of age. In my search for a wife, I have no time for shenanigans such as these."
"Nevertheless, I find your distance troubling," Daisy mused. "Even a businessman should find time for activities of leisure."
6 Gauge dropped his pants, revealing the enormous piercing in his man parts. Daisy gasped. "Oh, but I do find time for activities of leisure," he said. "As evidenced by the enormous piercing in my man parts."
Daisy said, "There can be no more dramatic events than such as I've witnessed today!"
Meanwhile, back at the estate, Cage was still brooding, unable to shake the melancholia that had recently assailed his spirit. He attempted to drown the melancholia with large amounts of wine; a gentlemanly act, for sure, but just barely. As the evening wore on, his spirit grew more troubled and as the gentlemen sat by the fire, Cage removed one of the burning embers and tossed it between his fingers quickly, usually throwing it into the air before it could burn him. However, when the ember became too hot, he flung it away from him, and it landed on Flex's hand, burning the skin.
"Please, hit me," Cage said. "I shall think less you if you do not- I have burned you, you are entitled to one gentlemanly punch."
Flex, a much more modern gentleman, abstained.
Cage attempted to settle his disagreement with Flex in the only way he really understands. One punch would have made them square again; but somehow I doubt the producers would be quite so liberal about this as Cage.
"You're going home, 6 Gauge!" Cage declared, apropos of nothing other than his inebriated state.
"You are too much in your cups," 6 Gauge replied.
"Could a man who was not completely sober do this?" Cage asked, engaging with 6 Gauge in fisticuffs. The other gentlemen stepped in at this point. In particular, Flex grabbed Cage from behind and placed him in a submission hold. It was only when the producers intervened that Flex could be pried off of Cage's person.
Cage was rendered mute by anger and frustration. He stormed from the room.
Daisy, out of a deep sense of selfless concern, sought him out. "Tell me what troubles you," she said.
"I am a fighter," Cage said. "Fighting is what I do. No one is better at it than I. That is not ungentlemanly boasting; I am being sincere, as I always am with you."
"Of course, but I am worried about you..."
"There is no need for worry," Cage sought to reassure her. "I will simply challenge Flex to a duel. The man left standing shall continue to compete for your affections. The loser shall be dead, so he won't care anyway."
Daisy was taken aback. She was unaware that dueling was still fashionable. "Certainly, there is no place on my estate for a duel!" she said.
Cage looked at her imploringly. "If that be your answer, then I fear I must take my leave of the estate- for I cannot remain here without so challenging Flex."
"I appreciate your candor," Daisy said, fighting tears. "I am sorry you must leave."
"Three weeks in a row," Daisy wondered, "have left me in tears. Will this not end? Can I take much more of this?"
And again, Daisy ends the episode in tears. She is supposed to be a tough punk rocker "chick," (see how she portrays herself in the photos above, flipping the bird, holding a Jack Daniels, sitting before a mirror table with lines of "coke" on it- she just doesn't care about anything! she's tough! don't mess with her!) and she can't even handle the freaking eliminations on a VH1 "Of Love" show. At some point, it's going to get tedious, and we're all going to start to wish that Heather had gotten her own show instead. Oh, wait- we already do wish that.
Daisy with Jack and coke pic source.
Other pics source.