Monday, June 1, 2009

Charm School 3 Episode 4: This is What You Get for Treating Your Body Like a "Temple"

Yesterday VH1 broke my heart by pre-empting a new episode of "Daisy of Love" in favor of yet another replay of "The Wedding Singer," and then a marathon of "Brooke Knows Best." "The Wedding Singer" I can forgive, I suppose, but the continuation of the Hulk Hogan family nightmare is reprehensible. One member of this family is at least partly responsible for putting someone in persistent vegetative state (and regarding that crash: "the Hulkster" said it was "God's will" that the poor kid remain comatose the rest of his life), another member has implied that he would like to murder one other member, another one is currently dating a friend of her daughter, and the titular member of the family is, well, she's Brooke Hogan.

There is nothing worthwhile about this family. They should be ostracized and ignored, not given their own show.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd like to write about the lovable skanks of "Charm School."

Last week, of course, no one got expelled. That's pretty lame. But rather than count her blessings, Brittaney Starr is moaning about it: "I'm not cut out for people picking on me all the time. Where I live, I am loved. I am loved by all my friends." Well, yes, Brittaney, that's why they're your friends. That's what friends do.

Later, she interviews, "I have been trying really hard to fit in with these little girls, and, that's not me, so... maybe I am being a little fake." Clearly, Brittaney is having a poignant moment of lucidity. Self-awareness is difficult for most of these women, and when it comes it can have a devastating effect on one's psyche.

When you're a jackass, admitting you're a jackass is hard. Often, you're tricked into believing that admitting it and acknowledging it is enough. But it's only the first step. Can Brittaney take the next step? Can Brittaney totally change her personality 100%?

Marcia is unburdened by self-awareness: "I wasn't on the carpet tonight, and, um, I don't have anything to worry about and, yeah, I'm gonna drink... Let's party!"

She then removes her bikini and jumps into the swimming pool with Bubbles. Damn VH1 for placing that black box over her best parts. I guess I'll just have to hope Marcia is one of the several VH1 reality who've done porn, or at least taken nude photos of themselves, so that I can see what I'm missing.

Bubbles interviews that she didn't have any problem with Marcia skinny dipping, "I just won't swim close to her." That is how you can tell me and Bubbles apart.

Dear VH1,
What was accomplished by covering over Marcia's best parts? You'll do a show that features a man who implied he would like to kill his wife, but showing breasts is too much for you?
Sincerely, me

KO thinks Marcia has an alcohol problem, and as if in proof, we see Marcia heaving, possibly throwing up, but because she's still nude that damn black box is in the way. This is an educational lesson for the kids, about the dangers of alcohol, and VH1 is being negligent by not showing us everything, including Marcia's body. Again, VH1, damn you for your lack of interest in helping the children.

Next day the women learn the commandment for this week is "Thou Shalt Treat Thy Body As a Temple." One might posit that the women have always done this, what with men constantly entering it in order to make offerings, but that is vulgar and on "Charm School" I think they're trying to steer clear of such sentiments so I'll refrain.

A doctor, "Dr. Robert Shapiro," arrives to give them a lecture on how their "hard partying ways" are affecting their lives. He asks the women how much they drink, and Marcia asks, "Which day?"

Doctor: "Sunday."

Marcia: "Ten shots of tequila."

Doctor: Shakes his head in exasperation. "You're pickled."

Don't drink to excess, or you might end up looking like this woman. And on television.

It turns out that much drinking is bad for your liver. Seriously, the doctor tells them this. And, he's a doctor. So he would know. Drinking to excess is bad for you. It will cause your skin and eyes to turn yellow, you will bleed from various orifices, your liver will be trashed, etc, etc.

Marcia, of course, is like Father Jack Hackett on Father Ted. All she hears is "DRINK!" And all this DRINK talk is making her THIRSTY. For tequila.

Father Jack Hackett, from the brilliant show "Father Ted," is much more compelling as an object lesson in the dangers of "DRINK!" than Marcia.

The doctor then asks if any of the women smoke. "Would you go outside and stick your mouth on the tailpipe of a bus?" he asks. Here one might posit that these women have stuck their mouths on things that are much nastier than the tailpipe of a bus, but, again, I think we should move past such vulgarity, so I won't be the one to do it. Instead I will merely point out that smoking a cigarette is not the same thing as inhaling exhaust from an automobile. Neither is particularly healthy, but smoking takes a lot longer to kill you than inhaling car exhaust.

Smoking leads to emphysema, cancer, bad skin, etc. Turns out there are all kinds of negative effects of smoking. Did you know that? I didn't. I'm surprised the women of "Charm School" didn't. It's a good thing they brought in a DOCTOR to tell them all this.

(Is it really charming to lecture people?)

Also, don't eat fast food so much, it's bad for you.

Baybaybay believes that, up until now, she just hasn't paid enough attention to herself and her body. I see more photo shoots in her future!

Baybaybay says, "I need to pay more attention to myself and to my body."

Ashley says, "This is just kind of like lame."

Once again, Ashley cuts to the heart of things with only a few words. I probably don't have to write any more on this episode.

Anyway, the women are taken to "the Y," where Ricki introduces them to "David from ...." Wait a second- what did Ricki just say? Oh, sorry, I misheard that. It's "David from BUFF Buddies." A fitness program for children. They play dodgeball and kickball, and other games that I could never play as a child. "The focus is having fun while you exercise."

Natasha says: "I don't want to sound heartless, but I hate children." Natasha, that's not heartless at all. That's REASONABLE, and you're neck and neck with Ashley for my new favorite.

The women are divided into teams and provided with children who are wearing "calorie counters" that will somehow measure the number of calories they're burning during their activities. The team whose kids burn the most calories in 30 minutes will be on the "Dean's List."

Team captains are Risky, Bubbles, and Natasha. They get to pick their teams "playground style," which of course brought back some traumatic memories for yours truly. I was not always the throbbing exemplar of manhood that I am today. No, I was a bit of a gork at one time, it's hard to believe, so watching as Brittanya is chosen last was difficult. This is probably the first time I've ever felt bad for her.

Ashley interviews that her team "is the worst team ever," and it's hard to argue, given that it consists of her, Brittaney, and Bubbles. Ashley is shown to be the the most logical one, as it turns out.

Natasha's team is her, Brittaney, and KO, and Risky's team is Baybaybay and Marcia. (Marcia the drunk was chosen before Ashley, Brittaney, and Brittanya. Ouch.) Risky's team is clearly front-running, and Natasha's team is almost as big a mess as Bubbles'.

They get fifteen minutes to devise a fitness plan that will inspire their BUFF Buddies. This seems like overkill, because those kids would have to be dead not to be inspired by the sight of these womens' breasts bouncing up and down as they run and jump. I find them inspiring.

The kids rush in, excited, and they're put to work. Risky's team has set up an obstacle course, Bubbles' team has set up a circle in which the kids pretend to be drum-beating sharks, and Natasha's team's strategy is, as Natasha says, "to just run 'em to death," thereby earning Natasha my respect as this episode's "Most Charming." By which I mean, "Most Like Me."

Natasha gets a big "thumbs up" from me this week, for her healthy attitude toward children.

Then, Brittaney has to go and bring me down by saying, "Here I am playing with this little boy and I'm just thinking, 'God, how much fun it's gonna be when I have my own.' This is the best day of 'Charm School' ever." Well, not for your future children, Brittaney, who are begging you, even now, not to bear them.

"Please, Mommy! Don't have us!" they wail.

Bubbles' team burned 252 calories. Risky's team burned 280 calories. Natasha's team burned 299 calories.

(This result is basically "bulls hit," based as it is on the "science" of calorie counters:

Many rely on calorie counters in their quest for the perfect body, but unfortunately it's not an exact science and the numbers you're seeing are not the whole truth.
Doctors say though that the numbers don't add up.

"There is absolutely no way those machines can accurately determine the amount of calories that they burn," said weight specialist Mitchell Roslin.
Most machines also don't account for body fat. For example, if two people weigh the same, the one with more fat will burn fewer calories than the person with more muscle mass.)

Ashley of course is angry. "Talking to [Bubbles] is like talking a retarded child," she says.

Even Marcia is scandalized by Ashley's behavior toward Bubbles. Risky says, "It's not right. It really makes me feel bad."

Ashley demands a certain level of intellectual engagement from her conversational partners.

Ashley's basic complaint, phrased indelicately, is that this woman lacks the intellectual acumen to maintain a reasonable conversation. I'm sure Ashley meant no offense to the mentally challenged.

When you've made Risky feel bad, you've accomplished something.

Bubbles moves out of Ashley's room, and into Brittaney's. Marcia makes the same move, but seems to take over Brittaney's BED.

Ashley: "Did I fart or something?"

Brittaney calls her boyfriend to complain about the "immature teenyboppers" she's forced to share a house with, while a pair of immature teenyboppers, Risky and Baybaybay eavesdrop on her, giggling like immature teenyboppers, "waiting on her to say the wrong thing." Finally, Baybaybay has had enough. "I'm not a little kid, I'm a grown-ass woman!...Start acting your age!...You're playing the victim!"

Brittaney does want "to get the f**k out of here."

Risky says she understands why "the Rock of Love girls" picked on her.

Brittaney moves to the couch in the locker room. Now, Ashley feels bad for her, and offers to let Brittaney move into her room with her. Because she wants her vote. Moreover, Brittaney has a private meeting with Ricki, so she can complain to Ricki about whatever Ashley wants. And, indeed, Ricki is impressed to hear that Ashley offered poor Brittaney a bed in her room: "It sounds like Charm School is really starting to have a positive effect on her."

Brittaney narcs on Marcia, and Ricki says she doesn't think Marcia's making enough of an effort to change.

Next, Bubbles has an interview with Ricki, where she tells her that Ashley compared her to a retarded child. "It was really disappointing to hear that Ashley had called Bubbles a retarded child." This of course is inaccurate. Ashley said that talking to Bubbles was like talking to a retarded child. Not to get all semantical on you, but there is a difference.

Ricki tells Bubbles that she thinks she's awesome. Self-esteem is important.

Bottom three: Brittaney, Ashley, Marcia. Three Rock of Love Bus girls. This cannot be good for the show. Those are probably the three most interesting, and the stars of the biggest VH1 reality show.

Ashley apologizes to Bubbles for saying what she said, "that was f**ked up." Later she interviews that she thinks Bubbles is an idiot, which is why she feels bad. Marcia says she needs to stay because she needs help with her drinking.

Brittaney says she's not fake, and Risky calls her out. "She's lying, she's standing up there lying. We were eavesdropping when she was on the phone...Why try so hard and then go behind our back?"

How charming is it to "eavesdrop"?

Ricki says she has valid reasons to send each of them home, but ultimately it's Brittaney who is sent home.

"You are who you are, and I do feel that maybe 'Charm School' isn't the best for you."

Brittaney manages to make the viewer depressed before the final credits roll: "I am so ready to go home and start a family... I'm gonna go home and get some nookie!"

Ricki... you made the wrong choice. You should have kept Brittaney. You should have kept her locked up in the basement indefinitely.

Apparently, Brittaney Starr has a thing for headphones. Last week, she wore a pair to the elimination ceremony. And here she is in one of her "sexy" photos, working another pair. Maybe she's listening to a parenting book on tape.

Marcia skinnydipping pics source.
Official Marcia pic source.
Father Jack Hackett pic source.
Baybaybay pic source.
Natasha pic source.
Bubbles pic source.
Ashley pic source.
Brittaney Starr pic source.


A.Jaye said...

On most women a black box is my favourite thing. Not this time though. Damn Vh1.

This is the first time I've watched the show before I read your recap. Vh1 should stick a 'Spolier Alert' on CS:

Warning: This show is not as funny as Ricky 'Bonsomme' Robot.

Ricky Sprague said...

Many thanks, AJaye!

Someone at VH1 needs to get wise to the fact that prudishness isn't charming.