Saturday, June 6, 2009

Great Bread Recipe For Morons

I've just finished creating the most amazing bread you've ever seen. I'm calling it No Rise Error Bread, and the recipe is really great for people with low standards and no cooking skills or desire to learn to cook, who are very lazy. Allow me to share it with you:

You will need

Some flour
1 9/8 cups of water
a smidge of yeast

First, mix in the water with about oh let's call it three cups of flour. Then put in some yeast. Make sure the yeast isn't the right kind, because you didn't know there were actually different types of yeast, and you didn't read the label on the packaging. I think it's about half a teaspoon, but it probably doesn't matter because, again, you're using the wrong kind. Also, it helps if you use the wrong kind of flour (turns out there's bleached, unbleached, all-purpose, bread flour, etc, and if you don't know this, and don't have the right kind in the house, well, then you're doing this particular recipe right).

Dough will be unkneadable, but you don't knead it anyway. Just keep it in the bowl you mixed it in. Leave it overnight, and it probably won't rise too much.

Next day, dough will be a goopy mess, and you should be able to tell that the result of finishing this recipe will be something that will share certain attributes with bread, but will in fact only be bread in the strictest sense of that word. Finish the recipe anyway because you've already come this far and are too stubborn to give up even though you're starting to re-check your original recipe and realizing that you made some mistakes the day before by pouring the goopy mess onto a cotton towel that you have heavily covered with flour (the wrong kind, remember), and then cover the dough with oh let's say about three cups of flour, then cover with yet another cotton towel. Let the dough "rise" (i.e., the dough will not rise), then uncover and place in a pot that you've already heated in the preheated (450 degrees) oven.

Place in covered pot for about half an hour, then remove the cover and cook for another 15-30 minutes or so. Remove from pot and wonder just what went wrong with this recipe that was supposed to be so great, except you got it totally and completely wrong.

Yield: Very disappointed people who were excited by the prospect of great, fresh bread. Serves no one.

Mistakes were made.

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