Sunday, June 7, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 6


What does it say about the object of your desire if your rivals for her hand turn away from her willingly, and in disgust, and rush headlong in the opposite direction, toward an uncertain fate, away from the cameras? What does it say about you that the same object of desire still pines for one of the gentlemen who so removed himself?

The ardent admirers of the lady Daisy de la Hoya found themselves reeling from the ambivalent emotions created by their present predicament. Their affection for the irresistible Daisy was of course undiminished, yet, nor were their ears immune to the whispers of those outside the estate, as exemplified by the rather rude limericks that had become much bandied-about,

The gentleman Joshua Lee
Pursued Daisy romantically
Though he'd pawned his guitar,
And lived in a car,
From "Daisy of Love" he did flee


A fighting gentleman Cage
Had trouble containing his rage,
A lady with smarts
Might have tamed his heart,
But Daisy de la Hoya's no sage.

The remaining gentlemen understood that those poems were not solely intended as slights against the gentlemen named within them. They knew that those poems were like invectives hurled at their beloved Daisy. They also understood, although this was much less transparent, that the poems were indictments of their own characters, as well.

Sadly, this fact began to take its toll on the gentlemen.

As the dawn broke, Flex and 12 Pack discussed the precariousness of their situation.

"I have a sprained ankle, sprained wrist, bruised elbows, and a second degree burn on my hand," Flex said, as he and 12 Pack removed the bandages from his wounds.

12 Pack, eager to display his own torment, replied, "I have never worked so hard to win the affections of a woman in my entire life." His statement merely implied what both gentlemen knew to be true; namely, that their gentlemanly egos were just as bruised as Flex's elbows.

Upon receiving the latest letter from their beloved, the remaining gentlemen retired to the tattoo room to eagerly discover its contents. As troubled as the gentlemen might have been of late, Daisy's words never ceased to work their recuperative powers upon their psyches.

6 Gauge read to them,

Dear Diary,

The tension in the estate is most palpable. I understand that much has transpired that has led each of you to feel distant, perhaps even ambivalent toward matters of romance. It is for that reason that I suggest that you engage in gentlemanly rounds of fist dueling. In this endeavor you can work out your own aggressions, and I can see for myself exactly what each of you can offer me in terms of stamina and cleverness.

Yrs very truly and forever your most devoted,

Chi Chi, in particular, felt motivated to express his enthusiasm at such a thought. "This is exactly what each of us needs," he explained. "Most especially myself, having only recently begun my own training in the gentlemanly sport of fist dueling."

Meanwhile, a wry smile crossed the lips of Big Rig. "I am a professional MMA fighter," he explained. "And this situation could quickly become more than any of the rest of you assembled gentlemen bargained for." There was nothing boastful about his words, or the attitude with which they were spoken. Merely, they were intended as warning to the others.

Sinister interjected, "I am not so excited." His sullen look certainly matched the negativity of his words.

Flex had to agree. "I am already injured," he explained. "From merely being on the estate with Daisy." He paused as the other gentlemen nodded in empathetic agreement. "And I'm not merely speaking of the emotional turmoil inherent in any romantic endeavor. Rather, I am referring to my sprains, bruises and burns." After a few seconds, he added, "I am also fearful of any damage that might be done to my very well-proportioned and lucrative face."

Big Rig is the sometime MMA fighter with a heart of gold. He's a bit like Cage, but he's not seething with uncontrolled rage all the time. As this picture illustrates, he is almost capable of smiling.

Sinister and Chi Chi retired to their own room to prepare themselves, and Sinister gave further voice to his concerns. "If someone punches me in the nose," he said, "I fear I might behave in a most ungentlemanly manner; perhaps even kicking my opponent in his most important and tender area."

Neither man needed Sinister to elaborate as to what area he was referring.

"Allow me to teach you some moves I've learned," Chi Chi said, magnanimously. Friends before their competition for Daisy's love began, each gentleman intended remaining friends long after their present endeavor had ended. Even though they were rivals, they had managed to remain on most agreeable terms up to this point, and Chi Chi certainly had no desire to see his friend come to physical harm.

Upon placing the protective gear upon their persons, the gentlemen engaged in some jocular insults before getting into the motorized carriage that conveyed them to the fist duel gymnasium. There they met Daisy, who informed them, "I know that each of you has been engaged in a most strenuous and ardent fight for my affections. Now, I want to see each of you make literal your quest to win my affections, by actually fighting for me, with each other."

Even as she spoke the words, Daisy could not help but to remember her fallen Cage, and wonder just what he would have brought to this competition. In so wondering, Daisy's mind was cast back to so many missed opportunities of the past- those silent wonderings of what might have beens and if onlys. Alas, the present is never the time for such thoughts; those are meant merely for the future.

Mr. Rachtman further elaborated. "Daisy is not a fan of physical activities such as the gentlemanly fist duel; as for myself, I have been known to wile away many an hour enjoying its inherent physical poetry. It is for that reason that I am particularly excited at the prospect of watching you men engage in the endeavor. To that end, and to provide you with some instruction so that your fighting might be the more pleasing to my eye, I have enlisted one Mr. John Hackleman, a professional who has trained multiple fighters."

Mr. Hackleman smiled and explained with no small amount of irony in his voice, that being hit in the face hurts.

Fox, for his part, allowed some doubt to creep into his thoughts. "I am a hair stylist," he thought to himself. "I am an attractive physical specimen."

As Fox concluded his reverie, he heard Mr. Hackleman continue, "We do have emergency doctors and barbers at the ready to tend any wounds that you might receive. The winner gets a date with Daisy."

John Hackleman trained Chuck Liddell. Now he's training Chi Chi, Sinister, and Fox. What happened to him?

Big Rig considered his own chances, and liked them. 6 Gauge was also favorably inclined regarding the outcome of the fist dueling.

The gentlemen were suited up and led in an intense training program that seemed to go on for several minutes. By the end, each gentleman had gained enough knowledge to avail himself well and without embarrassment.

The men were divided into matches. First, Chi Chi would duel with Fox, and the winner would fight Sinister. The reasoning for this was that Sinister needed all the help he could get, in that he needed an opponent who had already been involved in one fight. Next, Big Rig would duel with 12 Pack, with Flex taking on 6 Gauge.

As the bell sounded for the first duel, Daisy called out, "Please don't get permanently injured!"

Chi Chi took on Fox. Upon stepping into the ring, Chi Chi began a series of intense and intimidating squats and thrusts that Fox looked upon with confusion. Chi Chi was in eager anticipation of the victory, while Fox was merely concerned with the duel itself. Nevertheless, Fox kicked and punched for almost thirty seconds before tapping out.

When Big Rig and 12 Pack entered the ring, a much different battle was promised. While Big Rig was a professional duelist, 12 Pack had spent much of his life in the manly pursuit of wrestling, and was eager to get Big Rig on the floor, so as to smother him with the various moves and holds he'd perfected over the course of his life. Big Rig was eager to punch. This he did, and repeatedly, but surprisingly 12 Pack was able to roll over on top of Big Rig's body, and to hit him with abandon. Finally, Big Rig shifted his position so that he was now atop 12 Pack; however, in the ensuing movement 12 Pack's facial mask became dislodged from his head, and Big Rig, not realizing this, inadvertently hit 12 Pack in exactly the spot where 12 Pack's facial mask should have been, but was not.

The fight was restarted, and Big Rig continued to pound the still dazed 12 Pack. For his trouble, Big Rig was given tender kisses by his beloved.

She of course had stated in the past that she abhorred violence, and she truly did. Nevertheless, she could not deny the attraction of a man who has engaged in the pugilistic arts.

Flex was less than eager in his fight with 6 Gauge. However, it was Flex who ended up winning the match, when 6 Gauge tapped out, in a most gentlemanly 30 seconds.

The next fight was Chi Chi and Sinister. Unfortunately for Sinister, Chi Chi's previous match had hardly caused him to break a sweat. Fortunately for Sinister, Chi Chi had previously vowed not to hit his friend. There followed an activity that seemed to share more in common with a night at the ballet than a night in a smoke-filled gentleman's pugilist club. That is, until Chi Chi was nearly knocked unconscious. Then Chi Chi decided to actually fight back, and applied a devastating choke hold that elicited a tap out.

Upon the conclusion of the activities, the gentlemen were tired, sore, and yet feeling strangely revived, clearly working their way through the ineluctable sadness that had befallen them before. Their spirits further lifted when the object of their adoration, the lovely Daisy, congratulated each of them on displaying the type of gentlemanly spirit that she found most desirable in a possible romantic partner.

"Now I would like to specifically congratulate Big Rig on most impressing me, and earning for himself a special evening with myself," Daisy said, applying to his lips one tender kiss. "Moreover, Flex, Sinister, and Chi Chi, having also distinguished themselves, will have the honor of accompanying me tomorrow on a fabulous date."

Upon returning to the estate, Big Rig, filled with anticipation and excitement, he entered Daisy's bedroom, where the promise of much pampering and wonderful conversation awaited.

In the meantime, the remaining gentlemen commiserated. Fox, in particular, was singled out by the gentlemen as someone who was in need of further instruction in fist dueling.

Fox, however, was unconvinced. "Do you believe that Jonny Depp would fight for his love?" he asked, referencing a performer who was popular in his era.

"Of course he would," Flex pointed out. "He was a pirate." This was in reference to one of the performer's more famous stage creations.

"You might like to play ping pong," Flex said, in response. "But I enjoy a gentlemanly game of tennis."

This confused the other gentlemen. "What exactly is meant by that?" Chi Chi articulated for the rest.

"It means, simply, that each of us has a sport at which he excels," Fox explained. "The outcome would have been different if Daisy had bid us challenge one another at tennis."

This is a photo of the actor Jonny Depp, not the actor Fox. If you couldn't tell the difference don't feel bad; Fox himself can't tell the difference, either.

Back in Daisy's suite, candles provided the most romantic and bare of illumination, with rose petals the decoration, and the implied promise of sweetness to come. The bubble bath was intended as both a romantic spot for the two to engage in lovely conversation, and as a place of clean repose and washing. Both in their modest bathing outfits, the two stared longly at one another, and spoke of important things.

"I can definitely see myself falling for you," Big Rig confessed.

"You do?" Daisy asked, her lips curled into an ardent expression that said, "Maybe."

Her thoughts, however, were full of distraction. The man before her, sharing her bath, was both physically attractive and gentlemanly. However, her heart had been hurt so many times before. She worried about the tears that might fall if he turned out to be another... London. Or Cage.

"If you want my heart, I will give it to you," Big Rig said. For him, there was no doubt about the woman sharing his bath. "I am letting Daisy have me one hundred percent," he thought, as he carried her from the bath to the bed, where there was further enlightening conversation to be had, by the light of the candle.

"I am putting it on the line for you. I am falling for you, and madly," he told her.

"That's nice," she said. Again, her thoughts were very much on her own heart, and the worry that she would be hurt yet again.

Big Rig turned over to her a photograph of his son. Unmistakably touched, yet feeling strangely awkward, she accepted the photograph. She suddenly felt eager to be alone with her own thoughts.

As she led him to her door, she told him, "I might see you again tonight, I'm not sure."

"That would be awesome," he said, earnestly.

"Awesome pawesome!" she replied, with equal earnestness.

Next, it was 6 Gauge that Daisy wanted to speak to. The two took a place by the fire, where Daisy asked him, with great trepidation and curiosity, "What was it that led you to engage in the unusual profession of gentleman dancing?"

This was a point of commonality between the two of them, as Daisy had at one time worked as a lady dancer.

"It was a most agreeable way for a gentleman such as myself, in the search of acceptable recompense, to gain a proper living," he explained.

Daisy could not help but to think that this was an odd thing to say. "I wonder," she said, wryly, "Why a man such as yourself would seek from the profession more than simply the ability to entertain people?"

"What do you mean?"

"In pursuit of my own career as a lady dancer, it was purely the desire to see the smiling faces of my clients that motivated me. You seem to have been motivated by more prosaic concerns."

"It sounds like you think I'm doing something wrong."

"Don't misunderstand," Daisy said. "I am merely pointing out the difference between myself and you." She rose, and 6 Gauge was left merely to watch her as she left his presence, and to wonder if he needed to be concerned with the impression he'd given her.

The next morning, the gentlemen awoke, each feeling like the champion gentlemen they were. Flex and 12 Pack, who shared a room, came to the decision to engage in some gentlemanly subterfuge, by joining forces in an alliance that would accentuate their own positive qualities, while seeking to expose to Daisy the weaknesses of the other suitors.

"I believe today we should endeavor to break up the twins," 12 Pack said, in reference to Sinister and Chi Chi.

"A most agreeable proposition," Flex confessed. "I shall put this plan into action as soon as I am out of bed."

The gentlemen gathered as one group by the fire in the garden. Sinister, standing away from the others, caught Flex's eye. Flex seized the opportunity.

"Sinister, I had a dream last night. In the dream, my own best friend was my romantic rival for the hand of a vacuous woman of questionable looks and moral integrity, and with very little talent, whose music sounds like the demented ramblings of a drunken moron reading from the poetry notebooks of sophomore 'goth' student. Naturally, this dream was fictional, for we find ourselves engaged in a quest for the hand of an intellectually stimulating woman of the highest moral character and talent. That being said, I cannot help but to feel that the part about myself and my best friend being rivals actually referred to you and Chi Chi."

"All I can do is fight," Sinister said, by way of response.

12 Pack added, "Chi Chi is not letting you make your own impression upon her." This he said with a devastating spreading of the legs.

"I am unconcerned," Sinister replied. Still, doubtful thoughts plagued him.

Yesterday I tweeted a tongue-in-cheek two word review of Daisy's single "Suck It," and intended to go into a little more depth about it here. But I don't think any more needs to be said. I did want to post the cover of the single here, but I couldn't find a suitable picture anywhere online, so instead I'm going with something from Daisy's myspace page. Yet another photo of herself as a "tough" "rock n roll" "chick," with a bottle of Jack Daniels. She is very edgy.

In the kitchen, Chi Chi noted that Sinister seemed distracted by thoughts of torment. As a friend, and fully empathic, he asked, "What troubles you?"

"I worry that our friendship is getting in the way of our pursuit of romance."

"I do not share your concern," Chi Chi confided. "You and I are the best of friends, and shall always be thus."

"But I want to defeat you in your pursuit for the lovely Daisy!" Sinister declared, miserably.

"When the time comes, we shall face each other, and may the better of us win," Chi Chi said. "In the meantime, let us help each other to show Daisy the more unfavorable qualities of our rivals."

"I will shine today in the date," Sinister said, by way of warning.

As if to prove his point, Sinister was holding onto Daisy when the date began in the estate's greatroom. "I have a surprise that I believe you'll all find most agreeable," she said to Sinister, Flex, and Chi Chi. Taking Sinister's hand, she led the men to the tattoo room, where she declared, "Surprise! Tattoos!"

Noticing that each of them had already decorated their skin with tattoos, she believed that each of the men would naturally want to have more tattoos. She herself did, and she displayed to the gentlemen the design that she wanted permanently placed on her skin- the lips and guitar combination that was her signature, and had adorned the cover of her recorded musical endeavor, "The Crush."

"Getting tattoos is a most wonderful display of devotion," Daisy declared. "It is a physical manifestation of one's ability to commit oneself fully to something, and I am excited by the prospect of having you gentlemen watch while I receive one myself."

The gentlemen agreed. In fact, both Sinister and Chi Chi had been discussing the possibility of getting tattoos to match the lips and guitar combination from the cover of Daisy's musical recording.

"Moreover," Daisy continued, "I believe that when two people share a tattoo, it is among the most romantic and endearing things that two people can share."

At this point, Chi Chi stated, "I too believe in the veracity of your words, and would like to get a tattoo of your lips."

Sinister was unable to hold his tongue. "I have been discussing that very idea, with Chi Chi, since the two of us first entered this estate." His voice rumbled with disappointment and rivalry.

Flex, sensing an opportunity to put into action he plan he'd concocted with 12 Pack, said, "I do find it rather odd that the two of you, best and ardent friends, would continue to persist in your rivalry for Daisy's affections. While it is undeniably true that Daisy is lovely, and talented, and beautiful, and with a high moral character, it seems impossible to me that friendship such as yours could outlast her pursuit."

Daisy lay back on the couch, considering.

"If one of them wins," Flex continued, now addressing Daisy and appealing to her high moral fiber, "then how will he treat the other? What will it be like for those holiday gatherings, and the balls and dances, when you are with your beloved, and the other is left on the arm of some worthless tramp of low character and very little musical talent, who has no charm or charisma?"

Daisy could not help but to think Flex might be right, but it was time for her to receive her tattoo.

Chi Chi was honored to receive a tattoo of her lips on his stomach. Sinister got his nickname tattooed on his arm. Flex decided to get a pre-existing tattoo redone. This was an admirable and gentlemanly compromise.

Chi Chi got Daisy's lips tattooed on his lower stomach, and I believe that is Marcia from Rock of Love Bus and Charm School licking it. Maybe the tattoo had tequila in it?

Back in the kitchen, 6 Gauge put together a romantic plate of roses, some without the stems, and composed an ardent love poem, and left said items on Daisy's bed, so that they would be easily found when she retired to her room to recuperate from her tattoos. The poem came from his heart, and went on for 24 pages. It read, in part,

I earn a lot of money,
You are a most sweet honey,
And let me tell you this,
I have a piercing in my penis.

It was both sweet and a little rude, and he hoped not too bold in his declaration of affection.

6 Gauge examines his most notable attribute. You might have thought that someone with such a piercing would be able to withstand more physical pain, but he tapped out of his fight after only about 30 seconds. And of course, he's emotionally delicate as well.

Fox received a phone call. The ensuing conversation with his brother led Fox to speak to Daisy.

His girlfriend of two years learned that he had taken up residence in Daisy's estate. As it turned out, she was less than agreeable upon hearing the news. He decided to reveal all to Daisy, and open his heart to her, in the hopes that he might show her the sincerity of his admiration for her. Moreover, it was entirely possible that he might be left without proper lodgings, for he still resided with his girlfriend of two years. She, holding the deed to their current estate, might conceivably find her way to removing him from it.

And Fox had grown to love Daisy's estate. It suited him, and his charms. Moreover, he and Daisy were perfect for one another.

Before retreating to Daisy's room, Fox sought the counsel of 12 Pack.

"Go to her," 12 Pack said. "Reveal absolutely everything to her. The more detail you give, the better."

Fox could not tell that 12 Pack's advice was meant to help himself, and by extension Daisy, more than it was intended to help Fox.

"Forget about the impending elimination," 12 Pack continued. "She will respect you for coming clean about this."

Upon discovering the gift of flowers and poem from 6 Gauge, Fox entered the room, fully intending on telling her everything.

"I need to do something, now that you're here," Daisy said, applying to his lips a tender kiss.

"What's happening?"

"Not much," Fox said. "Those flowers were from me, by the way," he added, gesturing to the flowers and the note labeled FROM 6 GAUGE.

"Wonderful," Daisy said, placing one flower in Fox's lustrous hair.

"I felt it was important to let you know that you're wonderful, and I feel very strongly about you and, moreover, I've lived with a girlfriend in my situation before I got here."

Daisy sat, unable to speak or even to move for a few seconds. "You have a girlfriend?" she asked incredulously.

"Did you break up with her?"

"In a way," Fox said.

"Does she know you're here?"

"Who cares about that?"

"Do you love her?"

"I love her as a person."

"I think you're so lovely to look at," Daisy confessed.

Fox was happy that she seemed to accept the roughly 85% of the story that he offered her. Upon leaving her room, Fox sought out his trusted friend 12 Pack, where he jubilantly explained that Daisy seemed to take the news in her stride.

"She seems to take everything in her stride," 12 Pack pointed out. Then added, "And then she ends the ceremony of elimination in tears and runs crying from the room."

"But she seemed to take it in her stride," Fox added.

Last episode, Daisy treated Fox like a Greek god. Fox does in fact share some characteristics with Greek gods- he has a very arrogant attitude, a high opinion of himself, an ability to make mortals forget all his bad qualities, and the ability to make himself appear to be something he isn't. Daisy is hooked.

Daisy was torn. Immediately before the ceremony of elimination she sought the wise counsel of her friend and benefactor Mr. Rachtman, who confessed he was less than impressed with 6 Gauge as a suitor for her, much as he admired him as a gentleman.

"I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Fox explained to me that he is currently living in an awkward housing situation, with a woman who is no longer his girlfriend."

"That seems unusual to me," Mr. Rachtman said.

"He is so good looking," Daisy averred.

"You need to remove him from the estate, if there is any chance he is already promised to another."

"I know that in my heart," Daisy stated. "But he is so good looking." Daisy feared for the hurt that might befall her if she kept him, but was also afraid to see him leave. For his appearance was pleasing to her, and his kisses were most tender.

The chains went to Flex, Sinister, Big Rig, Chi Chi, 12 Pack, leaving 6 Gauge and Fox to wonder about the connection they had with the lovely Daisy. As they stood on the risers, fearful for their continuing to stay in the estate, Daisy said, "I can only follow my heart."

She added, "Fox, I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that you live with your girlfriend."

Then she informed 6 Gauge that she was sending him home. "You had plenty of opportunities to connect with me, but it never happened."

Disappointment crushed his spirit as he left the estate.

Before receiving his chain, Fox had to aver to Mr. Rachtman that he had broken up with his girlfriend at some point before leaving for Daisy's estate. "I broke up with her four or five or six months ago," Fox said.

"Honesty," he thought, as he kissed his beloved Daisy, "is awesome."

Daisy's myspace page is a melange of "tough" "rock n roll" cliches that would have seemed cliche in the 1990s. The early 1990s. Maybe it's a joke, but if it is, I don't think Daisy herself is in on it. Or maybe someone else set it up as a parody. You really can't tell.

Daisy myspace page.
Jonny Depp pic source.
Big Rig pic source.
Fox as a Greek god pic source.
Hackleman pic source.
6 Gauge pic source.
Chi Chi pic source.


shampoo said...

The description of Daisy's musical endeavors is wonderful. All I've heard from her is the song she lip synched the first day. Still, based on the artwork adorning the CD case... moron drunkenly bleating a goth teen's poems is her goal.

If the photo with Marcia can be taken as evidence, ChiChi has moved up in the world. Marcia may have a tequila problem, but she's prettier and nicer than Daisy.

Have you seen the artistic photographs Daisy and Megan posed for, each holding a guitar? They're on VH1's site. Daisy's legs are spread in a most ladylike (lady of the evening like) manner.

Ricky Sprague said...

Thanks again for the kind words, shampoo.

I must have missed the photo of Megan with the guitar, but I don't think Daisy's ever taken a photo with a guitar in which her legs were not spread. I seem to have seen many of those.

I agree- Marcia seems to be a huge step up from Daisy. What I wonder about is, What is it about Chi Chi that makes women want to put their mouths on him?

On Daisy's myspace you can listen to a couple of her songs for free, but I don't recommend it.

A.Jaye said...

Johhny Depp. Is that who Fox is marketing himself on? Why not Keanu Reeves?

What's this about Daisy's myspace? Sack that. I'm going to check out Brittanya's. I have thoughts of her in a bikini in Huatulco.

shampoo said...

You're welcome.

The picture with Megan is on the VH1 blog. But, it's just Daisy in her usual pose with Megan kneeling beside her.

I have been to the scary place that is Daisy's MySpace. There's a lot of stuff there and that alone makes me agree someone else set it up and is maintaining it. I didn't listen to her "songs."

In her VH1 interview, Brittaney Star said the only thing with her name on that she still owns is her myspace. she sold her website, etc. maybe daisy did that, too?

Ricky Sprague said...

Okay, yeah, I just saw the picture of Daisy and Megan. It's quite hilarious. Even Megan doesn't seem to take Daisy seriously.

Anonymous said...

It should be renamed: DOUCHE BAGS WEBSITE!