Sunday, June 14, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 7


After a rare, successful elimination ceremony which did not end with Daisy either running away in tears or refusing to even show up in tears, the six remaining gentlemen donned their bathing gear and joined their beloved Daisy for romp in the estate’s hot springs. Upon settling into the warm and bubbling water that felt so delightful against certain parts of her body, Daisy said, “It is so wonderful to be in this hot spring with my six suitors, all of whom are completely available gentleman bachelors!”

This she said as a way to cleverly allow Fox another opportunity to assert his available status.

Fox gratefully accepted the opportunity: “Yes,” he said, emphatically.

“Do you swear to this?” Daisy asked, with a wry tilt of her eyebrow.

“I swear on my life,” Fox replied, with an earnestness of appearance that Daisy found to be quite compelling. “I’m one hundred and ten point fifteen point five percent sincere in my declaration of availability for this romantic pursuit.”

Despite an earnestness that was transparently obvious to Daisy, the remaining gentlemen could not help but allow some skepticism to cloud their opinions of Fox. After all, they had already seen one of their number leave the estate under a cloud, having been discovered to already have a romantic partner awaiting his arrival at home.

Finally, overcome by his doubts, Sinister felt compelled to remove himself from the hot spring. “Daisy,” said he, “I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, but as for me, I fear the water is dimpling my skin, and I must take my leave.” He did not give voice to the deep concerns he felt regarding Fox’s sincerity, for he feared that to do so would cause Daisy to question her own judgment, and, without hard evidence of Fox’s insincerity, it would be ungentlemanly to cause Daisy any doubt at all.

Sinister’s departure, however, seemed to open a floodgate of undeniable sensibility, amongst the remaining gentlemen.

Flex spoke in anger, his words barely more than an angry sound.

Big Rig picked up the mantle: “It is disheartening to those of us, most especially myself, who have been completely open with you, to see you continue to show affection to a man who- no matter how good his intentions might have been- for, as gentlemen, we cannot question the motives when we are not privy to the innermost workings of his heart- has not been completely honest!”

12 Pack seconded Big Rig’s sentiment, with a nodding of his head.

Daisy thought, “I feel badly for the assembled gentlemen; nevertheless, I cannot deny the way my heart beats rapidly when I lay eyes upon Fox.” Out of deference for the emotions of the other gentlemen, she left this sentiment to linger within the private hollows of her own brain, and instead leaned in for a tender kiss and embrace of Fox.

The next day, Daisy made the fateful decision to forego the usual challenges, and instead give the gentlemen special, unchallenging time, with her. There was no doubt in her mind that the gentlemen would as delighted by this prospect as she herself was. In fact, she was so overcome that she donned a maid’s uniform and endeavored to cook for the men a hearty breakfast- such breakfast to consist of what she playfully called her “anything pancakes,” so named because its ingredients consisted of “anything at hand on the day it was made,” and ham strips.

Big Rig was most impressed, first with Daisy’s outfit, which indeed would have been most pleasing to the eye of any heterosexual man. To his surprise, he was also most pleasingly disposed toward Daisy’s cooking endeavor, as well.

“This is a situation I could become used to,” he thought, in regards to her cooking breakfast and wearing of fashionable outfits.

The other men, while finding much about Daisy and her clothing to admire, were less inclined to enjoy her cooking efforts.

In the previous challenge, 12 Pack had lost his cage fight against Big Rig; but in so doing, he had proven that his intentions toward Daisy were motivated by pure unselfish disregard for his own safety, and therefore Daisy concluded that she would spend special time with him at a store that specialized in the sales of pants and other undergarments for ladies and gentlemen.

Daisy gave 12 Pack a pair of leopard print pants to try on. “These are quite fashionable on the main thoroughfares of France,” she said, displaying the undergarment.”

“For ladies!” 12 Pack said, laughing.

She led him into the changing room. “Let my join you,” she said, playfully. “You look as though you might need some help, and I am ever at the ready to offer assistance.”

“Please, I am a gentleman!” he said.

“And I am a lady,” Daisy replied, removing his pants.

The two continued in this most agreeable manner, each in their turn trying on outfits, and enjoying drinks of fine wine. Finding himself feeling most agreeable, and eager to express to Daisy the extent of his emotional attachment to her, 12 Pack said, “You are a complex girl. There is much more to you than mere physical beauty.”

Daisy nodded her agreement. “I’m a very complicated person,” she admitted.

“I want to be real with you,” 12 Pack said, taking her hand in his. “My name, as you know, is not really 12 Pack. That name was bestowed upon me by a previous romantic partner. I don’t want you to call me by that name anymore.”

“From now on,” Daisy said, kissing him tenderly, “I shall call you ‘Dave.’”

“That is the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me,” Dave said.

“Honesty is important me,” Daisy said, ardently.

12 Pack wants to be taken seriously, and insists on being called "Dave" now, instead of "12 Pack." For that reason, I won't make any snide remarks about the fact that he still walked around in underwear and got drunk this episode. I'm trying to take him seriously.

Back at the estate, the other gentlemen were awaiting their beloved’s return, feeling varying degrees of ennui. Chi Chi and Sinister sat in their room and listened, as Fox answered yet another of his seemingly innumerable phone calls.

“Do you doubt Fox’s sincerity as much as I?” Sinister asked Chi Chi.

“Indeed,” Chi Chi replied.

“We need to use our collective energies and mental acumen to come up with a way to expose to Daisy the extent of his insincerity.”

The two brooded for about four hours before finally Chi Chi said, “I’ve just hit upon an ingenious way to get to the bottom of Fox’s venality…”

“To get him out of his hole, so to speak,” Sinister said, in eager anticipation.

“Well said, my friend,” Chi Chi replied. “My plan is to intercept one of Fox’s myriad phone calls. One of us shall tell the caller that Fox has been eliminated from the estate thanks to the treachery of his already having a romantic partner…”

Sinister could not contain himself and felt compelled to comment, “Brilliant!”

“Thank you,” Chi Chi answered. “We shall tell the person who calls- whomever it may be- that Fox has revealed all about his romantic entanglement and, therefore, get the caller to reveal more information about Fox and his female companion!”

“And we shall know once and for all if our suspicions regarding Fox’s intentions have merit!” Sinister ejaculated. “A wonderful plan.”

“Indeed,” Chi Chi agreed.

Chi Chi was the real mastermind this episode. But his voice reminds me of Kermit the Frog.

Chi Chi kind of looks like Kermit the Frog, too. (Kermit is the bottom picture.)

Sinister, inspired by Chi Chi’s plot to protect Daisy’s heart by getting at the truth of Fox’s supposed treachery, endeavored to expose to Daisy the extent of his feelings toward her in his own way; by exploiting his skills as a songwriter. He sat with his guitar, composing notes and rhymes, as Flex entered. Sinister had nearly come up with the perfect rhyme for “miscreant,” when Flex asked,

“Are you and Chi Chi scheming?”

“If we were ‘scheming’ against anyone, it would be Fox,” Sinister said, so as to set Flex’s mind at ease while not admitting to anything.

“An interesting and most agreeable premise,” Big Rig said, entering the room. “I, too, would like to see Fox sent home, with his tail between his legs. His intentions seem most impure to me.”

“Perhaps we could all work together in this- ‘Fox hunt,’” Flex offered.

Sinister, most appreciative of Flex’s pun, decided that the two men could be trusted to hear the full story behind his plan with Chi Chi.

Upon hearing of it, both men marveled at the devious simplicity and obvious efficacy of the plan. All were in agreement. If any of them heard the ringing of the phone, they would answer before Fox, and tell whomever called that Fox had been eliminated for having another romantic partner.

Daisy, in the garb of a law enforcement officer, and Dave, in the loincloth of a jungle native, returned to the estate to find rose petals leading in a trail from the front door to Daisy’s room. Dave, believing this to be part of his own date, was astounded by the appropriateness of such a gesture.

However, when they opened the door to Daisy’s room, they discovered Sinister, guitar in hand, seated upon a chair. He had obviously been waiting for his beloved for some time.

Empathetically, Daisy said, “Awkward,” so as to appropriately acknowledge the situation’s awkwardness.

For his part, Dave was inclined to laugh. He was, after all, slightly in his cups- and his own date with Daisy had gone so well, that, he thought, “Sinister would need to have hired midgets and fire dancers to top it.” Then, he corrected himself, and decided that it would have been more appropriate to think “little people” and fire dancers.

But, whether little people were there or not, Dave felt unthreatened by the gentleman Sinister. He kissed Daisy tenderly, and then took his leave.

Daisy took her place at Sinister’s knee, and listened as Sinister sang for her the song he’d composed. His start was rough, as he had to overcome the enormity of his emotion, and he had to sing loudly to overcome the sound of the pounding of his own heart; nevertheless, eventually the power of his sensibility guided him, and he sang with a clear voice,

“You’re my Daisy,
I won’t be lazy,
When I pursue
The sweet lady you,

“That was most wonderful,” Daisy said, awed.

“My heart is beating so fast,” Sinister said. “It’s like a gerbil’s heart, fast but delicate.”

“I think your heart is wonderful.”

Suddenly, overcome, Sinister found himself whispering, “You can break it, if you want to.”

“You’re sweet,” Daisy said. They kissed tenderly.

“I know you have another date to prepare for, so I shall take my leave,” he said, sincerely.

It's hard to believe that Sinister is such a doormat around Daisy. He's got a sort of less muscled Glen Danzig kind of "don't take crap from anyone" look. Maybe he'll be tougher on "I Love Money 3."

Dave joined the remaining gentlemen in one of the sleeping quarters, where, still wearing his loincloth, he dazzled them with a display of strength that included calisthenics and stretching. The other gentlemen, unsure at first, had to admit that Dave was a man who had much to be proud of, in regard to his physical form and prowess.

Finally, exhausted, Dave fell asleep.

Daisy, despite her efforts to the contrary, still had nagging doubts that she could not quite bring into focus. For this reason, for her date with Big Rig, Chi Chi, and Fox, she invited her assistant and manservant Mr. Rachtman to join them at the dinner table.

Mr. Rachtman knew that Daisy’s doubts, as much as she did not want to admit it, revolved around Fox. He would find out for himself if Fox were good enough for her.

At the table, he asked the gentlemen to articulate their intentions.

Chi Chi, sincerely, said, “If Daisy does not see fit to choose me for her one true love, I shall be most disappointed. But I want what is best for her.”

“In that case, perhaps you should leave,” Fox said. “For you are not good for her.”

“Why not?”

“The two of you do not look good together,” Fox said, amiably. “In the social circles in which Daisy lives, it’s important she be with someone who will make her look good, while looking good himself. As fine a gentleman as you are, you do not meet this requirement. She is too much for you.”

“That is an unpleasant thing to say and I take issue with it,” Chi Chi said.

“Nonetheless; it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman of great beauty must be seen with a man of equal beauty.”

Daisy interjected, “My concern with you, Fox, is not your beauty. I worry about your sincerity. One hundred and ten point fifteen point five percent sincerity is a great deal of sincerity. But if I discover that your sincerity is not that great, I shall be very disappointed.”

“So shall I,” Fox replied, earnestly. “I am here for you, and I don’t want any negativity.”

“Are you still with someone on your own estate?” Mr. Rachtman asked.

“I left a previous relationship an enormous amount of time ago.”

“One hundred and ten point fifteen point five days ago?” Mr. Rachtman asked, exasperated by Fox’s equivocal answer.

Fox turned to Daisy. “I’m honest. I’m here to have fun with you.”

In the telephone room, Sinister was answering the ringing phone. “Hello?”

“Is Daniel there?” a woman’s voice asked.

As Flex entered the room, Sinister asked, “Who did you want again?”

“He’s called ‘Fox,’” the woman clarified.

“And whom shall I say is calling?” Sinister asked, feeling the sweat on his hands as he gripped the receiver ever tighter, trembling with excitement.

“This is his romantic partner,” she said.

The words seemed to explode in Sinister’s ears, as Flex rushed out of the room and dashed down the halls to the other end of the estate. From the greatroom he called into the kitchen, as quietly as possible, “Daisy! I have something important to tell you!”

Daisy turned and saw Flex standing there, outside of the view of the others, with a look of childlike anticipation alighting his visage. “It would be rude for me to leave my dinner,” Daisy replied.

“You need to see this now,” Flex insisted, like a child at Christmas.

“Oh, very well,” Daisy said, magnanimously, rising from the table and following Flex through the hallways. Finally they arrived at the telephone room, and now Daisy’s interest was piqued. For there stood Sinister, with an expression also of a child at Christmas, hands shaking, holding the telephone receiver. “I have someone who wishes to speak to you,” he said.


“Fox’s current romantic partner,” Sinister said.

Reluctantly, heart pounding as hard as Sinister’s had when he’s performed his song, Daisy resisted her natural instinct to take the receiver from Sinister and hang up the phone. A truth, no matter how unpleasant, must be faced. Especially when others are watching.


“This is Fox’s romantic partner,” the woman’s voice said.

Was it Daisy’s imagination, or did the entire world suddenly start spinning? “You are still romantically involved with him?” she asked, incredulous.

“Yes,” the woman’s pleasant voice said. Perhaps, in another time, Daisy and she might have been friends. “He told me he was going to a hairstylist estate retreat.”

Daisy did not think to ask how the woman came to have her estate’s number. Was it given by Fox? One of his friends? One of the other gentlemen of the estate? One of the producers?

She knew what she had to do. Fetching Fox, she revealed to him that there was a woman who claimed to be his romantic partner calling for him.

“Well, she’s a partner, and she’s romantic, so I suppose she could be my ‘romantic partner,’” he said, semantically. Then, upon taking the phone receiver, “Who is this?”

“This is your romantic partner,” came the reply.

“Which one?” Fox asked.

“Jenna,” she said. Finally, she was unable to prevent anger creeping into her voice. “How is your hairstyling program?” she asked, ironically.

“It’s fine,” Fox said, without irony. He was confused as to how to handle the situation without causing further harm to Daisy, which was always his first concern as a gentleman.

“Are you going to lie and continue to claim you are free of all romantic entanglement?” Jenna asked.

“About what?” Fox asked, nonsensically.

“About us!”

“You are a cheater, and we are over,” Fox said, and hung up the phone. To Daisy, he said, “Now we really are over.”

Daisy’s mind, such as it was, was plagued by doubt. Were Fox’s intentions toward her true? Was the woman who’d called a stalker? Fox was so good looking, she wanted to believe him.

“I’m here for love, Fox,” she declared, tears filling her eyes. “Why are you here?”

“For you, obviously,” Fox said, amiably.

She violently pulled away and retreated to her room, to be alone with her doubt.

Angrily, Mr. Rachtman confronted Fox. “Do you have a romantic partner right now?”

“Not right now,” Fox replied, truthfully.

“To whom was Daisy speaking on the phone?”

“I don’t know,” Fox replied, somewhat less truthfully.

“Why does Daisy think she’s your romantic partner?” Mr. Rachtman pressed.

“I date a lot of women,” Fox said, truthfully. “And I cast my love spell upon them, and they behave irrationally…”

Unable to contain his irritation, Flex committed a most ungentlemanly act, by throwing a drink at Fox. “I cannot contain my irritation,” he said. To Mr. Rachtman, he added, “Forgive my ungentlemanly act.”

“Not the hair!” Fox exclaimed.

Big Rig spilled wine upon the floor. The entire estate seemed to be boiling.

Riki Rachtman used his skills at "BS Detection" to get to the bottom of Fox's duplicitousness. It only took him seven episodes- but in fairness to him, Daisy would not have listened to him if he'd caught on on the first episode.

Immediately before the elimination ceremony, Daisy sought the counsel of Mr. Rachtman. “Who do you think I should send home?” she asked.

“What?” Mr. Rachtman asked, incredulous. “Are you serious in your doubt as to whom to send home?”

“What do you mean?”

“You should send Fox home,” Mr. Rachtman said, emphatically. “You must send him home immediately!”

“This could all just be a misunderstanding,” Daisy said. “Fox is so good-looking, and kind, and good-looking and kind people often find themselves in difficult situations that, from the outside, look bad.”

Mr. Rachtman was near apoplexy. “He’s not kind!” he said.

“And the more he is despised by others on the estate, the more positively inclined I feel toward him,” Daisy continued. “I feel a desire to help him. To protect and try to change him.”

Mr. Rachtman took Daisy’s hand in hers. “I have seen you make this mistake before,” he said. “Fox needs to help himself. He does not need to be around you. He is venal. He is unkind. He is dishonest. No matter his intention, he is dishonest.” He sighed, for he could see from Daisy’s pained expression that this was difficult for her to hear. “He is- I am sorry to have to say this- unworthy of your affections.”

With that, Mr. Rachtman took his leave, and Daisy was once again alone with doubts she could not shake.

At the elimination ceremony, Daisy told the men, “This is my estate. And as much as some of you might want to see one gentleman in particular sent home, the decision ultimately rests with me.”

The air seemed to leave the room.

“Flex,” Daisy said, “if Fox remains, will you stay with me?”

Reluctantly, Flex agreed that he would. “It is your estate. The decision is yours.”

Daisy demanded that each of the other gentlemen make the same pledge. Each gentleman, in his turn, did so.

“Fox, why should you remain with me?” Daisy asked.

Fox was rendered inarticulate by his desire for her.

Daisy finally decided to change the patterns of her life. She was tired of trying to change men who were bad for her.

Finally and dramatically, she said, “Fox, please leave the estate.”

There was much celebrating that night. All agreed that they’d witnessed the birth of a new Daisy, and all were gratified for it.

Eventually, even Daisy couldn't put up with Fox's stories, no matter how good looking she thought he was. (What if Daisy really changes? What if she suddenly becomes the person she thinks she is? What will happen to this show?)

Chi Chi reading his poem pic source.
Kermit pic source.
12 Pack pic source.
Sinister pic source.
Daisy and Fox pic source.
Riki Rachtman pic source.


shampoo said...

so, 12 Pack finally cast off the name 12 Pack and became again Dave. And Daisy learned the name! True love?

I haven't watched the episode yet, but I am sure reading this first will make it doubly hilarious.

Ricky Sprague said...

Many thanks, shampoo.

Is the televised adaptation of literature ever truly as good as the original?

A.Jaye said...

Oh Ricky Sprague. Is this what 10,000 hits a month can do to you?

Ricky Sprague said...

I'm, uh, actually still having Eurodata TV Worldwide crunch my numbers. It might actually be closer to 85 million.

That's an estimate, of course. To be safe, we'll estimate it down to 50 million. I don't want to be accused of hit inflation.

shampoo said...

you're welcome ... haha, it's true there were some parts of this that were better than the episode. people on these shows... it's hard to believe sometimes.

wow. daisy REALLY wanted to keep fox no matter what! it's sad to think that someone as dumb as fox has probably gotten away with similar lies so often. it's also weird to think that daisy named the dumbest guy there "fox."