Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Jane Austen's "Daisy of Love" Chapter 9


Daisy de la Hoya was of such an agreeable disposition, with a kind and generous heart and open emotions, that it was impossible for those who knew her well- and Mr. Rachtman, Daisy’s faithful servant and confidant certainly considered himself someone who knew her well- to not see the lugubriousness of spirit that had recently overtaken her. For this reason, Mr. Rachtman had endeavored to make his attentions toward her all the more overt and careful, with especial attention being paid to those moments in which Daisy displayed her heart at its most unguarded. It was in these moments that her tongue was at its most free, and it was in these moments that she was most often heard to remark,

“I wonder what London is doing right now?”

Since the departure of the gentleman known as London, Daisy had not at all been herself. There were those among the people of the town who, motivated by brazen jealousy, had been heard to remark that this was not so bad a thing, but to Mr. Rachtman, it was agonizing. It was owing to this state of affairs at the estate of Daisy de la Hoya that Mr. Rachtman was particularly receptive when he found, amongst his correspondence, an item addressed to his attention from the gentleman Joshua Lee, AKA London.

Mr. Rachtman did not dispose of the envelope. He dutifully opened it and therein he discovered a heartfelt letter, which he dutifully read.


THE disagreement subsisting earlier, between myself and situation at the estate of the most lovely and gracious Daisy de la Hoya has been much on my mind. At the time of my exiting the estate, I began to feel toward the lady certain feelings that, in all honesty, distracted me with their intensity. As I am sure you are aware, the estate of the lovely Daisy is a place of extremity and intensity, and I am much ashamed to now admit that I did not trust the ardor I felt while ensconced in that estimable place.

Having been away now for several weeks, I can faithfully and in good conscience and candor tell you that, honestly and earnestly, the feelings with which I suffered while at the estate in my previous stay have not subsided. On the contrary, the passions I felt have only intensified.

I have felt compelled to address to you this letter, dear sir, owing to the skepticism you have shown toward my intentions in the past. I wish only to assure you that my intentions toward the young woman in your charge are true in the truest sense of the word “true,” which is to say very true indeed. I wish to impress upon you the fact that I am of one solitary mind on this subject, the subject of Daisy, and of furthering my romance with her.

For this reason, I humbly solicit your advice on how to proceed. I remain on this subject your most humble servant and eager awaiter of your kind and generous counsel,

JOSHUA LEE, aka “London.”

Upon completing the reading of this letter, did Mr. Rachtman retire to the servants quarters, where he engaged in a game of whist with the cooks who had helped the gentlemen to prepare their wonderful five-course dinner for Daisy’s benefit and entertainment. Distracted, he missed four tricks in one hand, and it was at that point that he decided that the letter should have been disposed of without being read.

However, having been read, it should now be replied to, if only to test the veracity of the sentiments expressed therein. For Daisy’s sake.

Ever since London left the show, Riki and London have been corresponding behind Daisy's back. The betrayal is breathtaking. Not of Daisy, but of us, the viewers. We should have been told of this before. Jane Austen would not have just "sprung" something like this on us.

Dave, formerly known as 12 Pack, having no inkling of the continuing correspondence between Mr. Rachtman and his nearly-forgotten rival London, felt little worry as he surveyed the remaining gentlemen who were his current rivals for Daisy’s hand. There was no question that, between himself and Flex, and Sinister and Chi Chi, he was the clear frontrunner. For one thing, he had proved himself able to wear a lady’s size zero pair of underpants. For another, he had not quit the show and left the estate.

For his part, Chi Chi had similar sentiments.

As did Flex.

If someone had thought to ask Sinister, he too would likely have agreed, most heartily, that he was the perfect match for Daisy.

Daisy, having grown tired of offering the gentlemen contrived challenges in which they would prove the level of their ardor by having to “fight” or “sing” or “dance” their way into her heart, decided that from this point onward, there would be only romantic engagements. To this end, she first called Flex and Chi Chi for an afternoon of frolic and gamboling in the sandy paradise outside the city.

Upon seeing the awaiting horseless dune buggy, Flex had a premonition of dire consequence. “Thus far on my quest to win Daisy’s heart,” thought he, “I have endured a sprained ankle and wrist, been burned, and punched. What could possibly await me in my dune buggy ride?”

For all his concern, Flex was brave when he and Daisy entered the dune buggy together. His driving was wild and carefree, with an eye more toward the excitement and fun promised, than safety.

It's always nice to see Daisy having fun. She works a lot, and her life is tough.

Daisy could feel herself getting wet. “Flex is crazy,” she thought, as the buggy bounded over the small sand hills. “Adrenaline is the same to me as that moment of climax during the act of intercourse.” It was apparent to her that she was feeling much in the way of adrenaline while Flex handled the wheel.

Chi Chi was the opposite. He was a gentleman given over to a more contemplative spirit, concerned for Daisy’s safety for, how could she have fun if the dune buggy crashed? There was little chance of that happening, the way Chi Chi drove.

“Chi Chi is sweet and attentive,” Daisy thought. “But his driving is not exactly causing a rush of adrenaline.”

One hand on her lap was, for Chi Chi, a move most bold. He smiled at her, as the dune buggy ambled along at a leisurely pace. “I will protect your lap,” he said, with a provocative wink that Daisy could not see, for the goggles he wore over his eyes.

Later, as Daisy drove both Flex and Chi Chi, Flex’s premonition of painful danger seemed to come to fruition, as she, taking a page more from Flex’s book than Chi Chi’s, caused the dune buggy to overturn.

“I must be injured,” Flex thought, laughing.

“This proves Daisy and I belong together,” Chi Chi thought, staring amorously at the back of his beloved’s head. “For she drives too much like my rival Flex. She needs a gentleman of a more contemplative and careful disposition. That is, myself. Someone to help her control those outbursts of enthusiastic passion.”

“I wonder what London would have said about this,” Daisy thought, as she was extricated from the overturned buggy.

Upon their return to the estate, Daisy walked past Mr. Rachtman, whose face was a mask of concern for her emotional well-being, on her way to her room to try on petticoat-less dresses, in anticipation of her evening date with Sinister and Dave.

Flex and Chi Chi went back to their respective sleeping quarters, where Chi Chi was surprised to discover that his dear friend and long time roommate, Sinister, had removed himself from their room. “Oh no!” he exclaimed. “What has occurred in this place?”

Flex, having no idea of what had transpired while he was away, inquired of Dave if he knew what had so befuddled Chi Chi upon his return.

Dave could not help but to smile impishly. “I poured poison into Sinister’s ear,” said he. “I asked him, ‘Have you and Chi Chi never fought over a lady before?’”

“’Never,’ was his reply.

“’This must be a most difficult scenario in which you find yourself now,’ said I.

“’Indeed,’ was his reply.

“’I know not what I would do, in your circumstance,’ said I.

“At this point did Sinister conclude that he must remove himself from the quarters that he had hitherto up until this point shared with his dear friend Chi Chi.”

Flex could no longer contain his laughter.

“Divide and conquer,” Dave said, using trite cliché to express the essence of the strategy he shared with Flex.

When Sinister moved out of the room he shared with Chi Chi, Chi Chi made sure his new room was well-stocked with toilet paper. Maybe Chi Chi was playing a parody of the doormat character?

As Dave and Sinister sat at the table recently set up in the estate’s exterior garden, the two gentlemen drank a toast to one another.

“To you, Dave,” Sinister said.

“I appreciate your calling me by my true name, Sinister. And what is your name, if I may be so bold as to inquire?”

Sinister told Dave his real name. Not being truly interested, Dave did not listen. Instead, he gave his prepared reply,

“I thought your name was Joshua Lee,” “he said, smiling.

“What said you?” Daisy inquired, crossly.

“I apologize, my dear,” Dave said, smiling. “It was not my intention to hurt you, only to belittle Sinister as your ‘London substitute.’”

“He is not my ‘London substitute,’ as you so crassly put it,” Daisy scolded. “Sinister is his own person, and has remained at this estate at my leisure, as he amuses me on his own terms. I assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that he shares much in common with my former suitor, the very much lamented Joshua Lee, AKA London.”

“I wonder if my jest might have backfired,” Dave thought. “Perhaps her thoughts had strayed from London enough due to the length of his absence that my reminder was an unwelcome one, serving only to refresh her memory as to what she is missing.”

“I am here on my own terms,” Sinister said to Daisy’s lips. “I am here because I know what kind of man you want, and I know that I am just such a one as that.”

“That is quite the most assertive I think I have ever seen you,” Daisy replied. “And I this is the most attracted to you I have ever been.” At this point she turned her attention to Dave and asked, “Would you like to go back to my room for a nightcap?”

“Of course I would,” Dave said, placing upon her lips a tender kiss.

“Have fun,” Sinister said, earnestly.

As they left the table, Dave said, “I feel most privileged to be joining you in your private quarters.”

“You should,” Daisy said. “I might have left you at the table to share the company of Sinister.”

Upon reaching the top of the stairs to Daisy’s room, they encountered the awaiting Chi Chi. His look of concern would have been most touching to Daisy, were it not for the fact that her mind was distracted by engagements of an amorous nature, and her worry that Chi Chi’s attention was perhaps too ardent.

“Hello,” Daisy said.

“Are you enjoying your evening?” Chi Chi asked, as he shook the hand of his rival, Dave.

“We are most certainly,” she said.

“Well, I want you to enjoy your night,” Chi Chi said, as the two entered Daisy’s quarters. There he sat, awaiting the time when Daisy would ask Dave to leave. At that point, he would present himself to her, to show her the extent of his admiration which was, to his own mind, quite powerful and amazing.

“If nothing else, this is a most graphic display of the direct proportion of my happiness to my proximity to Daisy,” he said, placing his pillow against the door to her room and laying his head.

However, his intentions, pure as they were, elicited sneers of derision from his rivals.

“That is a most genius move,” Sinister said, mocking his best friend.

“I believe that is something I saw in ‘The Notebook,’” added Flex, in reference to a popular novel and film that displayed an excess of treacly sensibility.

The reproaches of his rivals did not deter him. However, having his head so close to Daisy’s quarters left him with an unusually clear mental image of the goings-on within and, being a gentleman, he removed himself from her proximity.

This was done with no small amount of reluctance. “I need to show her I am not immature,” he thought, carrying his blanket.

Then, Chi Chi camped outside Daisy's door, while she and Dave engaged in romantic frolic. This has got to be an act.

All the while did Mr. Rachtman continue to correspond with the gentleman that Daisy had dubbed London. Finally, at the culmination of this exchange, did Mr. Rachtman send his most insightful and heartfelt missive yet.


Come to the estate. Daisy has continued to display an inscrutable interest in your charms, such as they are.

Mr. Rachtman

It was on this morning that Joshua Lee did make his presence again felt at the estate. Greeting him at the door was Mr. Rachtman, who warmly embraced him like the mentor and advisor he had become.

“Your positive sentiment and agreeable attitude regarding my return to the estate has had a very salubrious effect upon my troubled psyche,” London told him.

“I think you are wrong for Daisy,” Mr. Rachtman replied. “However, she is much distracted by the manner in which you left the estate.”

He led the young gentleman up the stairs to Daisy’s quarters, where the young woman was distracting herself with thoughts of her next personal appearance, at a dancing establishment in a small burg known as Chino. She answered his knock with “Enter, kind sirrah, whomever you are!”

Mr. Rachtman said, “I have someone I’d like you to see. But I am not sure as to how you will feel upon seeing him.”

“You are scaring me,” Daisy replied. “And not in a fun, flip over a dune buggy way.”

Mr. Rachtman pushed the door open, and admitted London to Daisy’s quarters. Daisy, shocked, recoiled in horror as he stepped toward her.

“Hi,” London said.

“Hi,” Daisy said.

The two then spent the next seventeen minutes in mumbling, monosyllabic conversation that was equal parts charming and more charming, before Mr. Rachtman finally took his leave.

“Clearly, you have much to discuss,” he said.

“This is both awkward and weird,” one of them said. They were both a swirl of emotion.

Daisy's reaction to London's return. They must have had monitors in her room, so she could check herself out as she looked "shocked." She doesn't seem to be looking at London in this pic.

“I want to save you,” London said. “I am sorry I made you cry. My leaving was selfish- I believed that everything was fake, and,” he handed Daisy copies of his correspondence with Mr. Rachtman. “These letter explain everything that I was feeling.”

Daisy took the 429 pages and placed them under her pillow. “I shall read them at my leisure,” she said, with a touch of annoyance in her voice. “I am glad you are here, but I am also scared. You have hurt me before, as you know.”

Mr. Rachtman returned. “Would you like to speak to me, Daisy?”

“Oh, yes, I would,” Daisy said, unrehearsed. “Please wait outside my door,” she said to London.

“What should I do?” Daisy inquired of Mr. Rachtman, once London had left.

“You should compare the recently returned London with the gentlemen who did not leave the estate,” Mr. Rachtman replied. “It is my earnest belief that you shall find him wanting.”

Daisy walked into a wall. Rubbing her bruised forehead, she said, “There is much wisdom in your words.” She then added, “Has anyone told the other gentlemen that London has returned?”

“No,” Mr. Rachtman said, solemnly. “I have left that for you.”

“Wonderful,” Daisy said, stumbling into the bathroom. “I need only to apply a dusting of makeup.”

As she placed lipstick on her eyelashes, she observed that since the return of London she had become much distracted.

Daisy and Mr. Rachtman called the gentlemen to the greatroom, where a shadow of fear and trepidation fell over the assembled. This sense of foreboding was only heightened by the stumbling way in which Daisy offered prelude to London’s return:

“Something unexpected, and overwhelming, and confusing has happened. Today I received in my quarters a visitor…”

“I hope it’s not yet another ex girlfriend,” Dave thought, imagining the most nightmarish scenario imaginable.

Most nightmarish, that is, until the gentlemen laid eyes upon the newly returned London.

“And now that he’s here, I shall return to my quarters, for I have much thinking to do,” Daisy said, elegantly returning back to the stairs from whence she came.

Dave, Flex, and Sinister did nothing to hide their displeasure.

“Why not bring all the gentlemen back,” Flex said, angrily.

“London seems like a fine gentleman, but he did pack his bags and leave Daisy,” Dave said.

“He is little more than a local cover band scoundrel,” Sinister said.

Abandoning his earlier, more measured response, Dave added, “I could have used a vacation at my own estate.”

“Daisy deserves someone who is not going to walk out, then return when he starts to miss the free food and servants of the estate,” Sinister said.

“Welcome back,” Flex said, with a tone of icy irony. “Perhaps Fox will return next week.” Finally, unable to trust himself not to challenge London to a duel, he removed himself from the room.

Sinister and Dave followed, leaving in their wake ill will and reproaches.

London took a seat beside Chi Chi, who had remained for the most part quiet during the troubling reunion. “I knew I would be walking back into a firing squad,” he said, wonderingly.

Chi Chi placed a comforting hand upon London’s shoulder. They were both gentlemen, both in search of the best for Daisy, and over this could they bond. This, and London’s shoes. “Let me show you where I put your shoes,” Chi Chi said. “When you left before, you forgot them.”

“You are most gracious,” London said, as they rose from the loveseat.

“I shined them for you,” Chi Chi added. Then, he realized that, with Sinister having left his room, he was now without a roommate. “Perhaps you would find it agreeable to bunk in my room?” he asked.

Chi Chi has London's back. I think this is the first time I've ever seen a reality show contestant play the doormat on purpose. It is kind of funny, I guess.

Having allotted herself a full fifteen minutes to process her reaction to London’s return, Daisy met him in the garden outside the estate. They walked along the lush pathway, pointing out mimosas and carnations; at first addressing their situation only obliquely.

“You see how that mimosa grows in that manner?” she said. “It is a perennial plant, meaning that it dies and then returns the following year.”

London did not correct her. “I see,” he said. She was making a point.

“The plant leaves, and everyone is most heartbroken that it has gone. Then, the following spring, it returns, and the gardeners know not how to react.”

“The gardeners should be pleased by the flowers’ return,” London implored.

“They should not be skeptical?”

“The plant doubtless did not mean to break the gardeners’ heart,” London said.

“But the plant did just that,” Daisy protested.

“I’m sure the plant will not do such a thing again.”

Finally, weary of metaphor, Daisy said, “You had better not,” and placed upon his lips a tender kiss. She then turned and fell into a rose bush. As she extricated herself, she fell into the mulberry patch. Next, she stumbled over the briar. Finally, she fell head first into a cactus.

London admired her graceful gait, as he watched her, slowly make her way away from him.

And the "winner" is-- I mean, Flex really has his work cut out for him now, doesn't he?

That night at the elimination ceremony, Daisy instructed London to stand apart from the remaining gentlemen. He was still not yet a full member of the estate; of this Daisy was seemingly determined. She walked into the ceremony room with confidence borne of being determined that London was still not yet a full member of the estate.

“London is standing apart from the rest of you because he is still not yet a full member of the estate,” Daisy insisted. “I wish to hear your opinions on the subject. Flex, I shall start with you. How feel you about London returning?”

Flex snarled. “I can take him,” he said confidently.

“Chi Chi?”

Chi Chi shrugged. “We need to take care of the ‘London situation’ now, rather than later,” he said.


“It’s up to you,” Dave said.


Sinister’s face displayed the most determination. “I have fought to be here,” he insisted. “If you do not feel I am more devoted to you than London, then I deserve to lose your affections.”

London was allowed to remain.

Chi Chi was sent home.

“You are an amazing friend, and always there for me,” Daisy said. “Unfortunately, those are most undesirable traits in a romantic partner. I hope we can be friends.”

“Of course we can,” Chi Chi said, smiling softly. “It hurts because we could have been so much more than friends, and I would have treated you as a princess. But I am most happy to abide by the felicities of your wonderful, big heart.”

The two shared a tender embrace, and Chi Chi left the estate.

Poor Chi Chi never had a chance.

Last Chi Chi pic source.
Other pics source.


shampoo said...

Yay! I have been looking forward to this one. The mimosa breaking the gardeners' hearts was hilarious. One day I hope ChiChi tells us what in the world was going on in his head this episode. I wonder how London will react to the news that one of Dave's new responsibilities is helping Daisy into bed.

A.Jaye said...

You saw my 'Achtung' post friend? You're holding the torch all by your talented self. It's BB UK and Re/Made until 24th July God willing.


shampoo said...

Hasten now to VH1's site to read ChiChi's farewell! He didn't try out for the show! He drove Sinister. Then when he met Daisy he told her this and that she was "cute."

Ricky Sprague said...

Thanks for the head's-up, shampoo. I liked the bit in the interview about Chi Chi "escaping" through the bathroom window, and the way the dune buggy scene was edited. It all goes to show just how- shall we say dishonest- the producers can be:

"What happened?

I broke out of the bathroom window and left. I got intoxicated again, and Daisy was showing attention to all these guys so I just broke out and left.

You just wanted to leave the show?

Yeah. And then I was watching the show the other day, about the dune buggy thing. I used to be a semi-truck driver, and I had dune buggies and bikes all my life. Like, that was me. I rocked that s***. I was doing the jumps. Flex stalled like five times and they had to rescue him. He didn’t know how to drive the thing. And they edited it like it was me to make him look cool. Haha, I was like, “Whatever.”"

I'm wondering now if VH1 should give him a show.

A.Jaye said...

Hey Ricky, what makes you think that Chi Chi one isn't a lying bastard?

I thought the deal with the TV and Movie industry was to cash your cheque and keep your mouth shut.

Imagine if us writers told everyone where we got our material from.

Ricky Sprague said...

I don't know what to believe anymore. Chi Chi seemed so sincere, the way he was lying in wait outside Daisy's door like that. But I'll say this: I believe Chi Chi before I believe the producers.

I get my material from reality shows.

A.Jaye said...

Oh I already know the producers lie on their bellies like the serpant.

I can't trust a Chi Chi who'll let another man buy his missus a drink without getting a kickback for it.

Jane Austin didn't watch telly.

Ricky Sprague said...

You're right- I'd forgotten about the "letting other guys buy her a drink for her self-esteem" thing.