Sunday, August 9, 2009

Ayn Rand's "Megan Wants a Millionaire" Part 2



Megan had ensured that the house in which she and the millionaires were living contained a Business Center where they could continue to work, to engage in the positive, rational activities of giving value for value that had heretofore contributed to the success that had made them so appealing to Megan’s discerning eye.

While the millionaires worked, Megan spent the time in quiet contemplation of her ethics.

Later, she called the millionaires to the common room and said, without preamble, “My favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day. So for our first challenge, I’m going to allow each of you to provide me with a rational, and preferably expensive, gift. The three of you whose gift displays the most romantic- that is, the gift that shows gift giving in the manner in which it should be engaged- will win a special date with me.”

After causing Megan to spill her drink the night before, Al felt he had to make a much more positive, rational impression. To that end, he extracted his checkbook, and commenced inscribing upon one of the leaves.

Mike telephoned his friend Lloyd Klein, the world-renowned designer of highest fashion, and instructed him to hurry to Megan’s mansion. He was certain that Lloyd would create another impeccable masterpiece for display on Megan’s perfect form.

Shaun, discovering that Megan enjoyed sushi, decided that his own body would serve as the serving tray for sushi. However, displaying a lowly lack of confidence, he solicited the advice of TJ.

“It’s out there,” TJ said, in reference to Shaun’s idea.

“Too much?”

“Have you got anything else?”

Shaun was filled with the punishing doubt that plagues so many irrational men. Unfortunately, the mass of men are irrational. They allow themselves to be corrupted by their insecurities, easily manipulated by forces outside themselves.

In having the millionaires share her house, Megan was seeking to weed out such individuals.

The plumber Garth continued work on the song he’d ong been composing for Megan. As it sought to encompass the entirety of Megan’s beauty and perfection, he’d been working on it for two years. He performed part of it for Punisher, who was sifting through materials he hoped to use in the creation of a thoughtful and rational card.

“What’s it called?” Punisher asked, in reference to the song to which he’d only half-listened. He had his own gift to consider.

“Sex Mode”

“Sex Bone?” Again, Punisher was only half-listening.

“No. Sex Mode.”

Garth the Plumber moonlights as a songwriter. His inspiring lyrics encouraged the object of his affections, Megan, to take hold of his stick and shift into Sex Mode. That is some good writing, you've got to admit.

Punisher couldn’t see as either title was better than the other. Garth the plumber wasn’t exuberating sex appeal. Indeed, Garth would never exuberate sex appeal. Although he engaged in an honest, rational trade, providing for people an important service in exchange for just compensation, by soliciting the advice of another, he was displaying a crippling lack of rationality and incompetence. He was making a choice not to think.

Punisher said that Garth didn't "exuberate" sex appeal. He then put on his buttless chaps and showed Garth what real sex appeal was all about.

As for the gift-giving, Francisco, in red underwear and apron, presented her with the dish he’d cooked. Al, on a rational crusade to redeem himself in Megan’s eyes, presented her with a check for $8,000 worth of collagen and tanning at the exclusive establishment in Orlando, Florida, where Brandi had her chest enhanced. Alex gave her expensive lingerie that was unfortunately a bit big. Ryan gave her a drink and card. Joe gave her underwear with the word “Trophy Wife” written in crayon. Matt made her cupcakes which she, rationally, did not eat herself. Corey made her something forgettable in its esthetics. Punisher performed an exotic dance in buttless chaps and with a whip. Shaun, still plagued by palpable self-doubt, stripped to his underwear and had Megan, Brandi, et al place sushi on his body. TJ gave her his vodka. David gave her a passport stamped with the destinations where he intended on taking her. Mike presented her with the dress. Garth presented her with his dopest gift, dancing and performing his song.

“Grab my stick and shift right into sex mode,” he sang. His lyrics were hardly rational.

“I wrote it for you,” Garth said, as the music died down.

Sushi Shaun, Big Mike with the dress, and Al won the three-on-one date with Megan. An “amazing ski date.”

Dejected, Garth the plumber went to Megan’s door. “I’m wounded,” he confided.

“Why?” Megan asked.

“I worked on that song for two years.”

The two took a seat on Megan’s bed. She looked straight at him, while he stared at the bed. “My reaction to the song should have no bearing on your feelings toward it,” Megan said. “A man engages in any actions because he wants to do it. Because he is providing a service to himself and, by extension, to others. Because it makes him happy. A man doesn’t care what others think. Besides that, I wanted something less sexual and more romantic.”

To that end, Garth sang the song again, with a slower tempo. “Are you feeling me?”

“Sure,” Megan said. “Do you feel better now?” Megan could already see in Garth the beginnings of a lack of self-possession and rationality that she had difficulty suffering. She wondered for how much longer Garth would remain. She also wondered what, if anything, she could teach him before he left.


The winners of the date got the opportunity to purchase three items from the irritating concierge. Al and Shaun decided to purchase all three items together, consensually, while Mike took a more rational approach, deciding to get his own gift.

Al paid his half of the gifts in cash. Shaun attempted to use his credit card.

“Declined,” said the irritating concierge. The word was repeated twice more, as the concierge again swiped his card.

“Can I pick up the whole thing?” Al asked. He provided the concierge with the rest of the money, including a tip. He managed to subsume his exasperation beneath a veneer of calm rationality.

Garth called Dick Squiggles, his friend, and solicited his advice on whether or not he should come home after the disastrous reaction his two-year songwriting endeavor received. Dick Squiggles offered to travel to LA, to pick him up. Dick Squiggles understood that Garth needed to be guided. He was unsure of himself and he was not yet fully rational.

However, he displayed a glimmer of self-possession when he returned her credit card. “I’m denying your credit,” he said, before Megan and the assembled millionaires with whom she held forth.

Megan smiled wryly. He was displaying self-possession and rationality- exactly the qualities she was looking for, along with large amounts of money. But, was this his true nature, the stirrings of true rational humanity, or was he merely being petulant over her reaction to the song he’d created?

Back in his room, she confronted him. “Can we be adults about this?” she asked. “At least give me the decency to explain what’s going on.”

Sullenly, Garth took a seat on the bed. “I thought we might be compatible, based on what I saw of you on television. But now I’ve come to the conclusion, after having spent time in your presence, that you will throw me away like a silly melody from a dumb sex-related dance song.”

“You need to suck it up and be appreciative that you’re here,” Megan replied. She would need to teach him a lesson.

“Kiss me,” Garth said.

She did not. “You get a kiss when I say so. Calm down and remain in the house.”

“Until the end?” Garth asked, hopeful.

“If you’re lucky,” Megan replied.

“She’s like me in a dress,” Garth thought, inaccurately. His attraction for her grew exponentially.


Shaun made no effort to pay for his half of Megan’s gifts. Nor did he attempt to take credit for any of the gifts that Al had purchased. Irresolutely, he remained in the shadows, a cipher, flat as a plate on which sushi might be served. The same man who had solicited the advice of one of his rivals, the same man whose credit card had been declined for a purchase of less than $500, was now displaying irrationality and unreason.

Do you think this woman was treated to sushi served upon Shaun's body? Do you think he paid for that drink?

The suitors were taken to a ski resort, where once again Al presented Megan with a gift. And once again, Shaun made no effort to communicate with Al regarding their “agreement.”

Megan loved the jacket. She appreciated Al’s boldness in presenting it to her.

Mike presented Megan with a pair of gloves he’d selected on his own. She appreciated his taste and style.

Shaun had nothing.

Al is the man this week. Al, the guy who caused Megan to spill her drink last week. And all he had to do to redeem himself was to lavish upon Megan expensive gifts. So that's the secret to romance.

Al and Megan skied together, while Mike spent the time attempting to teach himself to ski. Megan admired the self-assured way he relied on no one else to teach him. Shaun snowboarded.

Megan spent time with Mike, who is the oldest bachelor. She was the perfect age for him, being as she was between 26 and 30. She sensed in him self-assurance, rationality, and protection. All of these were important qualities.

Al stated that the date could have been better if only it had been the two of them. He presented her with the third gift, then confessed that he felt remorseful over the fact that he and Shaun were going to split the gifts, but that Shaun had a problem with his card being denied.

“I guess that happens with some people,” Al said, diplomatically. “Never with me.”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound good,” Megan said.

Al then gave her a necklace. “Oh my gosh!” Megan squealed. “You are the best!” She felt further appreciation for Al’s rational humanity.

With Shaun, she inquired as to why he would be lacking in funds. “Apparently my assistant didn’t communicate with my banker that I’d be traveling,” he said.

“Oh, well, I just want you to know if there’s any problem with your funds you can always come to me,” Megan said, emphasizing her rationality.

“I think there’s an appropriate time for talking about finances,” Shaun said.

Megan was unsure about Shaun’s response. Was he merely attempting to rationalize his irrational behavior, or was he sincerely expressing a sentiment that Megan found to be irresolute?

Mike is strong, mature, has taste, and is wealthy. So why does he want Megan?

For the elimination ceremony, Megan wore Mike’s dress. She looked distinctly human and rational. That was a good sign for Mike, who received the second card after Al. This continued apace until Garth was called down. “You’re lucky to be here,” she said.

“So are you,” Garth pointed out, without conviction.

“Your luck has run out,” Megan said, cutting his card. “I made up my mind to eliminate you the night you attempted to leave. But you needed to be taught a lesson of rationality and objectivity. Do what you want to do, Garth. Be a rational human, and do not seek the counsel of others. And do not allow anyone, not even someone as strong-willed and self-assured as I, to sway your judgment. Be proud of your sex song. It is yours.”

Joe was told that they had more of a friendship than romantic connection, to which Joe replied, “Give me a chance, I know I can step it up.”

“Okay,” Megan said.

Joe opened his mouth wide, so she could experience his unique kissing style.

“For now, your credit is still good,” Megan said, feeling strangely satisfied.

Finally, Shaun was called down. It didn’t bother Megan that his credit card was declined. “What bothers me is the way you handled it,” she said. “Were you planning on reimbursing Al for the gifts?”

Shaun mumbled something. What he said didn’t matter anyway. It was irrational.

Megan cut his credit card. “I’m sorry, but your credit’s been denied.”

I need a man with a valid credit card, and a backbone, Megan thought. I need a rational man.

Garth pic source.
Al pic source.
Punisher pic source.
Mike pic source.
Shaun pic source.


shampoo said...

this is really good. :) I haven't seen this episode yet, but it sounds hilarious. I like how, in your story, megan attempts to teach garth. haha! I bet shaun never dreamed he'd actually be asked to buy things for megan. WHY he would think such a thing, I have no idea.

Lucydex said...

Yes, this show is worse than Daisy of Love and the guys are much much much much much more stupid than the ones chosen for Daisy, but hey, it's VH1, what where you expecting?

BTW, that kiss between Joe and Megan was sooooo wrong! You could tell he was trying very hard not to gag for having an open mouth kiss with a female, haha. Anyway, I give Megan props, she's got a lot of cojones to kiss most of these losers.

Ricky Sprague said...

It seems like she could have gotten rid of Joe and kept Garth the Sex Mode plumber. Something tells me he would have been more entertaining.

But isn't Joe worth more $?

Anonymous said...

Joe is worth the most money. I nearly passed out in laughter when Dick Squiggles was introduced to us, so thank you for the recap of their conversation.

As a side note, my mother used to date a guy who looks an awful lot like Garth. He never performed Sex Mode for us, though. What a shame.