Sunday, August 16, 2009
Ayn Rand's "Megan Wants a Millionaire" Part 3
Following the previous elimination, Joe was feeling unsure and irrational. He’d barely redeemed himself in Megan’s eyes, thanks to his inimitable kissing skills, honed from years of solitary practice. As a result, his level of attractiveness was waning with each second that passed.
His fellow millionaires, even those worth considerably less than he, could sense this. To that end, they offered him advice.
“You need to move from the friendship barrier,” declared David.
“I know,” Joe nodded.
“You are but a boy,” David thought. “Lacking in experience, such as I have accumulated.”
“I have a plan,” Joe asserted, winking. The same determination he’d given to the development of his kissing style would serve him well in his pursuit of that most magnificent of structural objects, Megan Hauserman. “I will win the next challenge,” he thought. “Whatever it may be. And I shall do so in a most impressively rational manner.”
The next day, Ryan offered his unsolicited advice on what he considered the three types of women: Princesses, Betties, and Players. “I am working on a book in which I will describe the ways in which these women can be won,” he told the others.
“I am certain to make a few sales from amongst these millionaires,” Ryan thought, irrationally. Because all women are individuals, his book idea was meaningless. What is a Betty? What is a Player?
The man who loves all types of women with equal fervor is hateful. To say that a “Betty” is just as good as a “Princess” is like saying Mickey Mouse is as good as the Venus de Milo. It is an absurd irrationality. The person who feels equally at home with all these types is in fact a hater of mankind. Ryan would have to be taught.
Megan set forth for the millionaires a uniquely difficult challenge: To turn her mentally damaged Chihuahua, Lily, into “a million dollar doggy.” As much as Megan appreciated her dog, she understood that a rational man would not waste time with such an endeavor. The first one to refuse, and walk out of the room, would win the game, and the show would be over.
None of them did.
Here's a surprise: A picture of Megan in which she appears to be trying to remove her panties.
Sighing, Megan declared that the millionaires would be divided into teams, of three each with a team leader. The leader of the winning team would get a single date with Megan, while the other two members would get a two-on-one.
Megan understood that the millionaires must be judged.
Because at this point it didn’t matter, as none of the millionaires had walked out of the room, Megan assigned teams at random: Team 1 was Al, Punisher, and Francisco. Team 2, TJ, Mike, and Ales. Team 3, Dave, Corey, and Matt. Team 4- David, Joe, and Ryan.
Al’s background in marketing gave him the confidence to accept a leadership position. His idea for Punisher and Francisco to create a dog fitness video gave Punisher the confidence to assume the leadership position, and pitch to the others the idea of a spa treatments for dogs.
Ryan sold David and Joe on a line of expensive and exotic dog food. David and Ryan were both pleased, and David turned to Joe and reminded him of how lucky he was to be on their team.
“I know,” Joe said. “I don’t know how I will contribute to any of this,” he thought, miserably and uselessly.
Mike suggested to his team a dog sports drink. “Dog water,” he said. TJ was not sold.
“What a dork,” Mike thought. Had he not given Megan the dress she’d worn to elimination the night before?
TJ then came up with the idea for spa treatments for dogs.
Corey told Dave and Matt “We need to come up with an idea that is so high-end that no one can afford it.”
Matt nodded in agreement. Dave was in disagreement. “How irrational,” he thought. “That is no idea at all.”
Ryan and David created sales and manufacturing plans. Joe watched them, nonplussed. "I feel quite foolish," he thought. "Because I lack the business acumen to join them in their endeavor to create a line of organic foods for mentally impaired toy dogs."
For judging, Megan brought in Robin Antin, founder of the Pussy Cat Dolls, a group of structurally sound and uncompromising singers of popular music who frequently appeared in varying states of undress, and Rob Frankel, a man who had been called “the best branding expert on the planet” by lovers of humanity. “These people shall be advising me as you make your pitches,” Megan said. She was wary of meeting people whose work she admired, which was why she’d chosen these two particular people to “advise” her.
Megan brought in the creator of the PUSSYCAT Dolls to judge a challenge related to her DOG. That makes absolutely NO SENSE. She should have brought in the creator of the BITCHYDOG DOLLS. (That happens to be me. I just now created the Bitchydog Dolls.)
Again, she would have left with the first millionaire who refused to allow himself to be judged. Alas, none did. Clearly, all of the millionaires needed her guidance.
Team 2 pitched their spa for dogs as a non-profit. This was completely irrational.
Team 4’s spa for dogs pitch bored everyone.
Team 3’s pitch confused everyone.
Team 1 pitched their line of gourmet, organic foods for toy dogs. Joe stumbled through his part of the presentation nervously. Ryan and David stepped in and rescued him, and for their truth were declared the most effective by Megan.
As the winner, Ryan won the opportunity to have dinner with Megan in the backyard; or, he could take her to a French restaurant in an Aston Martin. He was self-motivated enough to opt for the latter.
Joe and David buy her a watch and locket, respectively. In their room, David told Joe that he should he should let him do all the talking on their date the following day. “You should just keep your mouth shut,” David explained.
“I don’t know. I tend to get a bit irrational when I drink,” Joe said.
Ryan and Megan spent the evening admiring one another’s physical structures, each with vision unborrowed. Sensing that he would remain with her in the house for awhile longer, Megan decided to not use the opportunity of their date to make a long, pedantic speech about human nature. That she would save for a late chapter.
Instead, they drove to the top of the Hollywood hills and admired the structures that had been created by rational human beings. Then, they made out.
Ryan said in the first episode that he could not legally work in the United States. Yet he still devised a business plan for organic dog foods. The other millionaires should report him to immigration.
The next day, she accompanied Joe and David on a date to a winery in Malibu. David presented to her the watch he’d purchased, and then monopolized the conversation, discussing his hygiene habits, his exploits as a diver, and his witnessing of a whale birth.
“But,” Megan wondered, “can any of those things top the human achievement represented by architecture?”
Joe followed David’s lead in tasting the wine.
“I feel like I’m in Paris,” David said.
Megan admired the content of his bragging, if not the bragging itself.
“I like to travel,” Joe said. “I love to head down to Ft. Lauderdale.”
Megan was incapable of feeling pity. Joe made his own choices. “That sounds adventurous.” He, too, might need to be taught.
“Do you work at your family business?” Megan asked.
“Not really. My family asked me not to get involved so much,” Joe replied.
Now, Megan wondered if Joe could be saved. He seemed to be nothing more than a member of the bleating herd. He was the type of human who would resent Megan for disrupting the slothful routine of his daily life of mediocrity, and Fr. Lauderdale trips.
Still, to be certain of her assessment, she pulled Joe aside and the two took a walk. He presented her with the locket, into which he had placed photos of Megan’s two favorite people- herself and Lily.
“Oh, I love it!” Megan declared. “You’re the best.”
“No, you’re the best,” Joe corrected.
“You’re the best,” Megan said, ironically.
“No, you’re the best.”
The two kissed, and Joe once again displayed his unique, distinctive style.
Joe's kissing style has been honed from years of practice kissing literally tens of women. Or maybe he's just nervous about kissing Megan. Who wouldn't be?
“The way he kisses is strange,” Megan thought. “Still, there is much about it that is distinctive and uniquely his own. It shows that he has his own vision, and his own way of doing things. A man who kisses with his entire mouth could be a man who does everything uncompromisingly. He could be a man of strong convictions and determination. Or, he could merely be strange and awkward.”
“I love you,” Joe said. “Almost.”
Back at the house, Matt was planning to make a distinct impression upon her. By showing her some wrestling moves.
Megan was interested.
Matt’s plan was devious. As wrestling was by nature an intimate contact sport, showing her moves would bring the two into close proximity. Perhaps, as had happened with Matt in the past, kissing would result.
For his trouble, he did get some alone time with her.
“How do you see me fitting in with your wrestling life?” Megan asked him.
“I see you as a valet,” he said. “You would enter the ring between matches and entertain people. And I think that collectively, you and I could take over the pro-wrestling circuit.”
“Collectively?” Megan was aghast. Had he really just used the word “collectively?” “Matt, I am an individual. I fight against the collective every day. My entire existence is a defiance of the very idea of collectivism. A man cannot breathe for another man, Matt. I cannot inhale, and therefore fill your lungs with air. It is only by living for oneself can one achieve anything of lasting worth for humankind.”
“Thanks for the wrestling lesson,” she concluded.
Matt Riviera. How ironic that the collectivist should turn out to have been "The European Champion.
At the elimination, Megan sent him home. “You are a collectivist,” she declared. “Your philosophy is hateful to humanity. It is hateful to me.”
“You merely hate Arkansas,” Matt thought, totally missing the point. “But Arkansas brought the world Wal-Mart, Bill Cllinton, and rice.”
Next, she called up Joe. “Your unique style of kissing had me confused,” she confided. “But I believe that it is more of a friendship kiss than a kiss of passion. The type of kiss shared between a woman and a rough-hewn architect who is uncompromising in his desires.”
His credit card was cut and he, too, was sent home. There is no room in Megan’s world for the timid, or for collectivists. She needs an individual with conviction and rationality. Which of the ten remaining millionaires would fulfill her uncompromising requirements?
Joe and Megan kissing pic source.
Ryan pic source.
Robin Antin pic source.
Megan pic source.