The hygienic Blonde Baller begins the episode by complaining about the level of estrogen in the house- apparently the presence of Real and Chance, the camera crew, producers, and bouncers standing off camera isn’t enough to combat the presence of the lovable skanks with whom she is competing for Real’s and/or Chance’s affections. All of Blonde Baller’s friends are men, she tells us, and she misses them. She telephones her friend Dale:
“I am so irritated, like… You know me I don’t like females in the house.”
She’s really a laid back tomboy who doesn’t want drama. In that case, she’s in the right house, on the right show. Real and Chance have already kicked out two females for creating drama, in the very first episode. Unless this is foreshadowing, and Real and Chance are about to change their policy, she should be fine.
Does Blonde Baller have a boyfriend? Does that kind of thing even matter on these shows? Seriously, I'd be shocked to find out if these women DIDN'T have boyfriends.
Classy: “I definitely know that I’m a “Real Girl,” even though they haven’t claimed all the girls for their sides yet.”
That really is a classy way for a lady to refer to herself.
She reads the Stallionaire Mail (male?), which tells the women that they have to be down with the Stallionaires’ music career, and to that end, they’re given some clothes, and one hour to tramp themselves up. These women are experienced at this endeavor, and it’s inspiring to watch anyone who is very good at what they do, doing what they’re very good at.
Real and Chance tell the women that they’re going to release a viral video for one of their songs, the title of which I am sorry to say I missed. But I’m sure that the viral video will be out and very popular- in fact, it will probably have already been forwarded to me by email several times before I finish writing this blog post.
The women are introduced to Gloria Velez, who has worked with Jay-Z, Ja Rule, and Game, although we are not told in what capacity she worked with them. I myself have worked with Kelsey Grammer, Charlie Sheen, Chris Rock, Norm MacDonald, Angelina Jolie, and countless others. Of course, if you mentioned my name to any of those people their eyes would glaze over and they’d say, “Who?,” if they bothered to make any reply at all.
Gloria Velez is not a Real or a Chance girl. She is a famous person who has worked with other famous people. Still, I hadn't heard of her until today.
But Junk knows who she is. Apparently, she’s actually appeared in some music videos. So maybe Jay-Z would know who she was, if you mentioned her to him.
Be that as it may, if you ever ask Angelina Jolie what it was like to work with me, she would have no idea what you were talking about.
Gloria doesn’t want these Stallionaire music videos to be raunchy. She wants them to have sex appeal. She’s going to help “bring out the sexiness in y’awl.” She then says she’s going to put them through “Booty Camp.”
Junk: “That sounds like my kind of camp.”
Mine, too, Junk. Mine, too.
Women to be divided into teams. Winning team’s video will go “viral,” and the members of that team will “also being on dates with your boys later on tonight,” as Real explains.
He interviews: “We wanna see if these women can shake their hump and shake it tha right way bay-baaayyy.” Really, isn’t that what every man is looking for, whether he has a song to promote or not?
Gloria starts by teaching the women to “catwalk,” then do “the booty shake” (left to right, and sexy, not raunchy), then “grinding on a dude.” However, since there are no dudes available (as we’ve already seen from Blonde Baller, the camera crew, bouncers, producers, etc do not count), the women have to grind against each other.
Somehow, the producers manage to mess this scene up. All we get is Apple attempting to grind against Mamacita, and doing a quite poor job of it (she dances like me), and Pocahontas grinding against Baker. Pocahontas is into it, but she’s the woman who last week presented Real with a rosary, so at this point it’s kind of like watching your annoying scolding aunt grind against- well, Baker.
Gloria chooses the three captains, based on performance in Booty Camp: Baker, Lady, and Pocahontas.
Sassy: “I think Gloria was hatin’ a little bit, ‘cause she didn’t pick none of the real pretty girls. Like Sassy.”
Baker’s team will be putting together a routine in front of the mansion, Pocahontas’ team will be putting together a routine at the pool, and Lady’s team will be putting together a routine at the bar.
Lady’s team: Hot Wings, Classy, Doll, Blonde Baller
Baker’s team: Mamacita, Flirty, Aloha, PS.
Pocahontas’ team: Sassy, Junk, Spanish Fly, and Apple, who was chosen last. Apple, the writer of haiku, had complained during the Booty Camp that she could not envision a “real life” scenario in which she would ever use the skills she learned there.
The Booty Camp skills
Will serve you in your future
Apple is cute, and she wears smart girl glasses and writes haiku, but she had better hope one of the other contestants goes crazy- otherwise she runs the risk of elimination.
The women were then given an hour to work out their plans, and figure how they’re going to use the Real and Chance stand-ins. We do get a little of the drama that Blonde Baller was so concerned about, as only Lady’s team seems to have any real chance of putting together a decent video. The other two teams are plagued by lack of focus and infighting. Pocahontas’ team is being sauced by a sour Apple, who has no interest in performing in the video. In fact, she pulls Pocahontas aside and tells her, “I just, I really think that, I don’t want to do this, so… I’m not gonna do it… It’s just not me, like, I… look stupid, you know.”
Junk: “If you wanna mess up that’s your problem, but you better make it so that I can have my time with my man, and if you do anything to mess that up, I’m coming after you.”
Their team is the first to be judged. Real: “Poca’s team brings it, man.”
Chance: “But, uh, Apple, man, you so quiet man, you look like an 89 year-old lady.”
I think that Real and Chance are being too kind.
Next is Lady’s team at the bar. Real and Chance liked it, but complained that they couldn’t see enough of their stand-ins. Chance: “I’m bein’ blocked by kneecaps an’, an’ cankles an’ ankles, man.”
They did very much like the ending of the bar scene, in which the five women pulled the Real and Chance stand-ins down behind the bar for “a little ménage-a-tois,” as Real put it.
Last is Baker’s team, outside the mansion, with Real and Chance sitting on motorcycles.
Chance: “I see them walkin’; it seemed like these girls really listened to the lyrics.”
Gloria: “Very sexy, not raunchy.”
All the teams did a good job, but the team that did the best and had it all together was Baker’s.
Hot Wings starts to cry. “I feel like I lost more than just a date… It’s more than just a date, it’s time with you guys, it’s valuable.”
Naturally, this sentiment impresses them. Chance: “One thing I love is the love.” But she doesn’t get to go on the date.
Chance appreciates Hot Wings' sentiment.
To the Hollywood Park racetrack. Nothing says romance like horse racing. This is what Real and Chance do for fun in their spare time. PS is into it. “It’s cool, it’s fun, it’s different.”
It’s also a good reminder that the second season of Animal Planet’s show “Jockeys” begins this Friday. Seriously, VH1, you missed an opportunity to make some money on a cross-promotion here.
Mamacita: “I feel like a sexy cat, and Chance is like, you know, my scratching post.”
Flirty does some leg stretches in her seat, in an attempt to catch Chance’s attention.
PS is starting to become disenchanted with Chance. “That’s not my scene, it’s just, it’s nasty to me.” So she’s deciding she’s there for Real.
Aloha doesn’t appreciate the way the other women are “flaunting the goods,” i.e., doing leg lifts at the table, and so she decides to take a different tack. She opens up to Real: “You know what’s crazy? My last boyfriend was a ‘stripper pimp.’…He took my money, beat me up, drove me to the desert, and left me there to die.”
Real: “Like a R. Kelly video?”
At that, Aloha starts to cry. “It’s not funny.”
Real interviews: “I couldn’t believe it. I became Dr. Phil at the damn horse show.”
Chance: “Race track. Horse track.”
Back at the table, Aloha says, “He left me at my house to starve for four days, and my cats. That’s when the line was crossed, ‘cause, I was feeding them rice, you know?”
At least Aloha has a line.
Real: “All I can say is, ‘wow.’”
Back at the house, Junk is feeling bored, so she’s looking for some trouble to get into. She catches Blonde Baller on the phone, and overhears something about her “best friend” Dale. “It’s not sexual.”
Now Junk is suspicious. If it’s not sexual, why do you have to keep reiterating that? “Is this girl dumb? Chick, you were on the phone with your boo from back home.”
Junk, a student of human nature, understands that when a woman insists a man is her "best friend" that he's really her boo.
When the women return from the date, Junk airs her suspicions about Blonde Baller. The next morning PS calls out “Blonde Baller’s got a boyfriend!”
Chance: “Wow… I don’t mind a girl that got guy friends, but how many guy friends? How deep are your friends?”
Those are important questions, and Blonde Baller leaves the poolside to consider them. Chance follows her to get her side of the story. Chance says he might have to bring a polygraph in.
Clearly he doesn’t read my blog- otherwise he would know that polygraphs are bulls hit. (Also, and more thoroughly, Penn & Teller’s Bulls hit did an episode about them this season.)
Later, when the women are asked to cook for the men (Chance, especially, wants a woman who can cook), Aloha opens a package of salmon and starts eating it raw.
“That’s Hawaiian style,” she says. “You just grab it from the ocean, break the spinal cord, and then you just start chomping on it.”
Real: “You gotta learn to domesticate yourself.”
Aloha: “That’s f*cked up.”
Real: “No it’s not. Stop being so sensitive.”
Aloha goes crying to Flirty for support. Unfortunately for Aloha, Flirty kind of agrees with Real’s assessment of her. “Honey, you kind of do need to…”
Apple: “It’s really scary to see such a pretty girl… turn into such a raging lunatic.”
That is not the title of the story of my life, but it is definitely the title of one or two of the chapters.
Chance: “But you know what? Her craziness turns me on.”
And that would also have to be the title of one or two of the chapters.
Was Aloha a victim of editing? Was she driven to madness by living with Real and Chance and the women they're dating? Or was she just a little bit off somehow?
Aloha tells Chance she can relate to him because they share a mental illness.
Tonight at eliminations, the women will be getting “Real” and “Chance” chains.
Chance gives chains to Baker, Hot Wings, Spanish Fly, Flirty, Mamacita, Junk, and Blonde Baller
Real gives chains to Doll, Lady, Pocahontas, PS, Classy, Sassy, and Apple. Apple has Aloha to thank for that. As Real says, to Aloha, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this… You just eliminated yourself.”
Aloha: “There’s a difference between being crazy and being scandalous, and I am not scandalous whatsoever.”
Blonde Baller pic source.
Gloria Velez pic source.
Apple pic source.
Hot Wings pic source.
Junk pic source.
Aloha pic source.