A miserable piece of human waste called Mark Whicker- who is apparently a regular columnist for the Orange County Register- has written a column that is in fact one extended rape joke.
I am not kidding.
It doesn't sound as if Jaycee Dugard got to see a sports page.
Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.
She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn't high-fived in a while.
Those are the first three paragraphs of this horror. I am not kidding.
In case you haven't heard, Jaycee Dugard is the young woman who was kidnapped 18 years ago, and was only recently rescued. A couple, Phillip and Nancy Garrido, have been charged with the crime. From msnbc:
Phillip and Nancy Garrido have pleaded not guilty to kidnap, rape and imprisonment charges related to Dugard's 1991 abduction. Police say Phillip Garrido fathered Dugard's two daughters and lived with them in a backyard encampment of tents and sheds.
So, from 1991 to 2009, Jaycee Dugard was kept in a "backyard encampment," and bore two children "fathered" by one of her kidnappers.
And, some motherf*cker sports columnist thought it would be funny to write a column about all the sports stories she missed in that time. You know, when she didn't get to "high five" anyone.
As bad as the first three paragraphs of the column are, the next two are even worse. They are so inexcusably awful and mind-bendingly inappropriate and insensitive that I almost don't want to cut and paste them- my computer deserves better.
And yet, I just can't help myself. You have to read it to believe it, I guess.
She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.
Now, that's deprivation.
That's deprivation. You know, she was so busy being raped by her kidnappers that the poor kid never got to hit a ball.
How oh how does this piece of vermin still have a job? Who was the editor who approved this column?
Time and effort were put into composing this thing. He sat down and said to himself, "This Jaycee Dugard rape thing is in the news right now; this'll be a good excuse for me to write about some things that have really been bothering me about the sports world."
Like, for instance, that darn Barry Bonds and his steroids, and his "tainted" home run record. Because, you know, not enough's been written about particular story:
•Barry Bonds, who was just leading the Pirates to their second NL East title, wound up breaking Henry Aaron's home run record. How did such a skinny guy manage that? We'll deal with that later.
Isn't that "we'll deal with that later" bit hilarious? You see, poor Jaycee has been in captivity for 18 years. Actually mentioning the steroids might be too much for her process right now.
And those drugs that these players are taking aren't the only things on the old motherf*cker's mind:
•Well, actually, some baseball players began taking drugs in order to hit more home runs and throw faster fastballs. Football players, who had cornered the market on most of their drugs, began driving drunk, slapping their wives, selling drugs, and killing people. The baseball players caught more grief.
Isn't it so unfair the way the baseball players have been treated, in comparison to those drunk-driving, wife-slapping, drug-selling murderous football players? That is a lot for Jaycee to take in- the patent unfairness of it all!
And, in case Jaycee Dugard was wondering about stadiums during her stay in the backyard compound of a madman:
•Domed stadiums, like the ones in Houston and Minneapolis, are considered obsolete, or at least unfit for baseball.
The economics of stadiums! What is a kidnap and rape victim to do, when she's found herself thrust back into the big, complex world, full of- sport finance?
There are dozens of bullet points, and it's both tedious and depressing to list them all. Basically, every single one of them says the same thing.
I am a motherf*cker.
This is a mainstream newspaper. One of the dying newspapers that are so necessary for the republic, and need a bailout.
Maybe this column alone will be enough to make lawmakers kill any newspaper bailout plans? Should we thank this motherf*cker for writing it, and saving taxpayers a few bucks?
Happily, a large number of people have expressed their disgust with this motherf*cker, and he has issued an apology that is--
For Tuesday's Register, I wrote a column that clearly offended and outraged large portions of our readership.
It was not my intention to do so. But it's obvious that I miscalculated the effect the column on Jaycee Dugard, and the events that she might have missed during her captivity, had on those who read, buy and advertise in our newspaper.
How on earth could one person be so insensitive, cynical, and utterly lacking in basic human decency to not realize that joking about rape and kidnapping in the context of one of those "isn't-the-sports-world-full-of-some-crazy-sh*t" columns might offend people? After all, he was just trying to provide a service to the poor girl who'd been kidnapped and raped for 18 years.
By catching her up on all the things about sports that have irritated, amused, and bewildered a pampered motherf*cker.
For 22 1/2 years at The Register, I feel like I've had a good and direct relationship with our audience and I think most of the regular readers know how I go about reporting and commenting on sports.
This column appears to have disconnected that bond with at least part of our readers. For that I apologize.
Oh, most regular readers know what a swell guy this motherf*cker really is. "Part" of the newspapers' readers just don't get it. That he was trying to perform a service for this girl.
What is it about these uptight jerks who clearly don't regularly read his insightful reporting and sports commenting? Those people just don't get it for crying out loud! They are ruining everything with their overreaction!
It's impossible to unring a bell or to bring back a column that has already been transmitted. In many ways the damage is done. I'm hopeful that I can be forgiven for this lapse of professionalism by those who were affected most profoundly.
I'll try to earn back the trust of those customers in my future endeavors.
Again, I regret this incident and apologize to all concerned.
Yes, in many ways the damage is done. The damage is done by those who aren't regular OC Register readers. They just don't get it.
After 22 1/2 years, this motherf*cker is capable of producing something like this. And now he wants another 22 1/2 years to try to earn back the trust of customers.
If you are capable of producing something like this column, after 22 1/2 years of writing, you are not worthy of another chance. I don't care if you wrote the Magna f*cking Carta, you're not worthy of another chance to earn back anyone's trust.
If the editor had to let this column go through, he should have changed the title: Many Odd Things Have Happened Since Mark Whicker Became a Total Motherf*cker.